Saudade Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Hey guys, I could really do with some help I will keep it has brief as possible. I've been with my partner for 10 months - everything is perfect, we were even talking about moving in together after christmas. Three nights ago we had a massive argument and said some unforgivable things to each other. I told him to get out of my house, he refused as he'd been drinking and didn't want to drive back, all the time he was smirking at me. Eventually he left and since then I've heard nothing. I texted him the next day to say 'I didn't want to lose him' but nothing The argument happened because he wanted me to go back with him (he lives 2 hours away) even though he was going away for the weekend drinking. I said I'd stay on at mine and catch up with an old friend instead of being on my own at his. He then called me a liar and said that we didn't want the same things in life, he said some horrible things and so did I. It all feels like such a mess. I feel like I've messed it all up - I wish I'd just gone with him. Now he's going on this big weekend out and I'm sure he'll go with other women. I'm so scared this is the end. What should I do?
Cee Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 He was drinking, said horrible things to you (granted you said horrible things), hasn't spoken to you for three days, and is spending this weekend to go drinking. I don't know the whole story, but the fight sounds like a blessing in disguise. I don't think I'd want to marry a guy who considers drinking a legitimate hobby. Drinking & not talking to you for 3 days sounds like two giant red flags to me.
LostInTurn Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Your situation sounds similar to mine. Can I ask why you didn't want to go with him for the weekend? One thing you need to remember, people say things they don't mean. It happens. If he had been drinking, sure he was more inclined to say things. I don't know what was said, but anger does that. We can usually forgive someone over time. My ex used to not be able to deal with life unless he smoked. I ignored it, but red flag! My ex and I also discussed living together. You really need to assess. I don't know your situation, you may be very happy. But you need to look at all aspects. I started to not go back home with my ex because I didn't want to hangout or partake in whatever was going on. That was a change for me because I always went. Do you want to be with someone who goes drinking for the weekend? Is this what you have to look forward to? You need to ask yourself these questions. People get angry and at times need space. I understand that; however I don't agree with it necessarily. One thing you should not think is that you messed it all up. I didn't go away with my ex for a weekend, and I don't look back and think I messed it up. I did at one point, but I don't anymore. I don't because I have had time to think about things. I've made sense of some things. It's easy to take blame. Don't take blame.
Author Saudade Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Thank you for helping me out. I didn't go and stay at his because I would have been on my own why he was out in another town having a good time. I don't want to make out he drinks a lot, he had planned this weekend away with friends ages ago. I thought it was unfair that I should wait around playing wife when I could be catching up with my life and friends. I am in shock that it has got to this point. I wish I had remained calm in the argument, I regret saying the things I did. I did text to say I didn't want to lose him but as I said - nothing.
Don Ho Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I understand that you don't want to lose him, but this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I wouldn't even consider marrying him if I were you. Let me ask, do you want to be 10 years down the road with two kids and find out he is an alcoholic, physically and emotionally abusive and that you're trapped and can't get out? Not what you want to hear, but cut your loses and move on to a better guy. And don't tell us "but I love him" or I'm gonna slap you.
LostInTurn Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 You have to remember you cannot take back anything you said. Anything you said out of anger or upset, is just that. Something said as a reaction. Don't fault yourself for that. If we all did, we'd be in serious trouble. You can't. You need to look at the big picture. You sound like a nice person. You're taking the blame and probably telling yourself everything is your fault, not just this one instance. You cannot do that. You cannot take ownership of this. Like I said, your situation sounds similar to mine, and I'm saying the one instance. Our situations could mirror each other more if I knew more. Chasing someone is the worst thing that you could do. Because you want to live together, you're even more invested. I get it! I was there! But stop. We have all felt the way you feel right now. You need to make a choice for yourself based on the best decision for you. You cannot dwell on this. You cannot replay it in your mind. That's not going to help you. What you need to do is breathe. Take a step back and breathe. Can you tell us about the relationship? Maybe that will help us, help you to see things more clearly?
Author Saudade Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I really am so touched you've all taken the time to write back to me. We have an up and down relationship, when it's good it's out of this world, but he does have a dark side which I have tried to help him with. He can be very cruel sometimes with his words and yet be so loving and caring the next. I do not want to paint him out to be a complete monster, more of a Jekyll and Hyde. Should I not get in touch with him and see what happens? My fear is that this is it and it's ended over something so silly with no closure.
LostInTurn Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Closure. That's a tricky one. I don't know what he is thinking. None of us do. The best thing you can do, is go NC. You can't go wrong with that method. You're confused, sure. I understand. But you don't know what's going to happen. The world will not fall to pieces of YOU disappear for awhile. Please believe that. You may see that he does not call you. Then you need to start thinking about closure. Many of us never get closure. Some people are too confused to even know what they are thinking. Some people need a lot of time. You need to take one day at a time and not think so much about tomorrow. That's probably the most difficult aspect. We all think about what will happen tomorrow and that's when we fall. My ex was great when he was great. There were red flags, but I chose to look past them because I loved him so much. I thought he was the love of my life. However, yesterday someone made a point... they said... imagine you're with someone who does all the things he did that you loved, but without the things that concerned you. Good point. I can't imagine though because I looked past them for so long. See what I mean? We compromise so much of ourselves for other people. You're doing that and that's how I can say you're a good person who probably gave her all. Remember, it's ok to disappear for a little while. The world will not end and you certainly will not feel any worse. You'll see what I mean if you can stay strong and disappear for a bit. When someone knows how much we love them, regardless of what hurtful things we may have said... they only way they may see this is if we disappear. This will make them see what life is like without us. Keep posting! It helps.
Author Saudade Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 NC it is then I guess most of all I am worried he will use this weekend away to meet other girls - I know I can't control it. I worry he will confirm who he really is. I've been through break ups twice before and if anything they seem to get harder rather than better.
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