Two months in and the OM is still attempting contact

[thinkfast444]

I am so sorry for your pain.It sounds to me as she is calling most of the shots

show her where the bear ***** in the woods.Is this guy married? Find this out

and if he is go to his partner.Bring it in to the open and let her face the music.

Good Luck!

 

The OM is unhappily married and threatening to expose him is not much of a threat. He and I got into on the phone and it almost escalated into a brawl but I'm still trying to keep this quiet for my own sanity and getting the police involved wouldn't further that goal.

 

I've got two teenage kids whom I'm trying to protect from all this ugliness. I don't really want them to know their mother was sleeping with some other guy. After two months of red eyes and whispered conversations I'm sure they know something's afoot.

[2sunny]

Thanks. In some ways I've reverted to a teenager (wild emotions, selfishness, doing whatever I want, smoking, boozing) but I know I have to act like a responsible middle aged man.

 

I've started to put together a plan to generate revenue and get back to a reasonable working life. Previously I worked 15 hour days for a couple of years straight and I know that wasn't working for me, her, or us as a couple.

 

As for her, she just received word that she now has a second job and will be working 6 days a week until she can depart from her first job in a few months. The new job is in her "primary career" so she will now be the primary breadwinner. Funny how life throws you curveballs.

 

YOU covering up for her makes it easier for HER to continue without any consequences. expose her and the truth... she needs consequences in order to make her uncomfortable enough to make it different.

 

SHE created this - let her bear the brunt of what SHE created... it's not productive to go on pretending - that is a form of lying... do you want to lie to your children?

[thinkfast444]

he's still attempting contact because she allows it.

 

YOU can't make her do or not do anything. since she isn't willing to cut him off - she is sending you a clear message that she still wants him.

 

This morning I laid down the law. Her cell phone number is now changed. I now have the FB password. What was in there was about what I'd expect...him trying to get her to see him. No responses from her though. He will be blocked from her FB. I'm not doing it however, it has to be her that does the blocking.

 

I'm planning on sending him a NC email. Problem is I don't have any leverage over him.

 

TF

[thinkfast444]

YOU covering up for her makes it easier for HER to continue without any consequences. expose her and the truth... she needs consequences in order to make her uncomfortable enough to make it different.

 

SHE created this - let her bear the brunt of what SHE created... it's not productive to go on pretending - that is a form of lying... do you want to lie to your children?

 

I can't see what benefit there is to exposing my kids to this. They are 100% innocent in this. LSers, what do you think?

[2long]

The OM is unhappily married and threatening to expose him is not much of a threat. He and I got into on the phone and it almost escalated into a brawl but I'm still trying to keep this quiet for my own sanity and getting the police involved wouldn't further that goal.

 

Bull feathers! This "unhappily married" excuse is used by all waywards. I would advise you consider this a lie.

 

You don't expose the affair 2 the OMW out of vengeance, you do it because it's the truth and it's the right thing 2 do. Don't threaten or warn either the OM or your W that you're going 2 do this, just do it.

 

I've got two teenage kids whom I'm trying to protect from all this ugliness. I don't really want them to know their mother was sleeping with some other guy. After two months of red eyes and whispered conversations I'm sure they know something's afoot.

 

You'd rather they make assumptions like "mom and dad are fighting all the time because of US!" than give them the truth? What about the message you send them when they are old enough 2 have committed relationships of their own? Do you want them 2 think that it's okay 2 cheat on their SOs so long as they lie about it?

 

-ol' 2long

[reservoirdog1]

I can't see what benefit there is to exposing my kids to this. They are 100% innocent in this. LSers, what do you think?

I wouldn't tell them either. For all her flaws and shytty behaviour, she's still their parent and has to retain some semblance of moral and parental authority and guidance over them (even though realistically she's lost her claim to moral authority). Harder to do when they know the truth.

 

The only time I'd sugegst deviating from that would be if she starts poisoning them against you, telling them lies about you or what happened, or anything like that. Then, the gloves come off and you have the right to defend your good name to your children.

 

On one other point -- DEFINITELY expose the OM to his wife. It doesn't really matter that they have a shytty marriage; obviously it has problems, or he wouldn't have boned your wife. You may not get leverage over him, but you WILL, hopefully, get the OM's wife watching him like a hawk. You can't trust worth a damn anything either the OM or your wife tell you about the state of his marriage -- their words are invariably self-serving. There's a pretty good chance that his wife is as much in the dark as you were, unhappy marriage or not. It'll be harder -- not impossible, but harder -- for him to continue trying to contact your wife if his own wife is onto his crap as well. Remember, cockroaches hate the light. Shine the light on them, and they scatter.

 

And, pay no mind to those (including your wife!) who may tell you that you'll be causing the OM's wife pain by exposing things to her. That's crap. THE OM HAS CAUSED HER PAIN -- SHE MAY JUST NOT KNOW IT YET. You'll only be the messenger, not the wrongdoer.

 

In fact, don't tell your wife that you're contacting the OM's wife, until you've already done it. You don't want her to have the opportunity to talk you out of it.

 

Good luck man...

Edited August 26, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[U2RockZz]

first,you are out of mind to be with her and you must be the dumbest to believe her when she says things about her A or anything

 

why did you leave the job....if i was you i would be working 24/7 so that at least my financial/social life would not be disturbed ......what i don't understand is why would you give up your career for anybody

 

either your W is not that interested in saving the M or your threats must have been too shallow to believe......anyways why do you want to be with a cheater so desperately......i would give a rat's A$$ about whether she follows NC or not....why would you waste your time on worthless things/people....get a good lawyer .....get the divorce....

[carhill]

I'm planning on sending him a NC email. Problem is I don't have any leverage over him.

 

That's a positive move. Another would be to go large if evidence of NC breakage occurs. This would leverage your respective social circles in the best interest of your family. His participation in that dynamic is irrelevant and outside his control. Leave room for recovery but have boundaries like concrete walls.

 

I would recommend becoming apprised of your legal options. Hope for the best and plan for the rest. Good luck

[thinkfast444]

first,you are out of mind to be with her and you must be the dumbest to believe her when she says things about her A or anything

 

why did you leave the job....if i was you i would be working 24/7 so that at least my financial/social life would not be disturbed ......what i don't understand is why would you give up your career for anybody

 

either your W is not that interested in saving the M or your threats must have been too shallow to believe......anyways why do you want to be with a cheater so desperately......i would give a rat's A$$ about whether she follows NC or not....why would you waste your time on worthless things/people....get a good lawyer .....get the divorce....

 

I was a small business owner with a computer consulting-type business. The majority of my time was spent running around doing quotes and other freebie work that didn't ever work out. The last year was particularly horrid and I was miserable. I should have bailed out over a year ago. I'm glad that phase of my life is over and I can move on to other things.

 

As for threats, I really haven't made any up to this point. She had me convinced to not be angry at her for the OM's attempts to contact her. After numerous inbound messages that kept sending me on the emotional roller coaster I said enough.

 

Today she defriended and blocked the OM on FB. His emails now go into a black hole and she has a new phone number like it or not. We got in a pretty good fight about her reluctance to change her phone number and my message to her was tough luck.

 

Thanks,

 

TF

[thinkfast444]

TL;DR I'm laying down the NC law, getting tested for STDs, and happy I left my crappy work. Not telling the kids, will tell the OMW if the OM doesn't go away.

 

Thanks for the backbone support.

[lkjh]

Dude no offense but your wife bangs a guy in your bed, refuses to cut him off before you forced this on her and really hasn't done anything to show that she wants your marriage let alone you.

 

Maybe its time you get a little tougher like exposing her to everyone and separating from her. If she tries to get you back than great, if not than at least you can move on with your life

[FryFish]

You need to tell the OMW anyways man. It isnt a matter of having something to hold over the OM... Its a matter of being a good person. She deserves to know.

[jenifer1972]

It is clear from your wife's behaviors after being caught, that she only stopped this relationship because she got CAUGHT. I have read nothing that would suggest true remorse or change of heart. If you hadn't caught her red handed, are there any signs that she would have stopped on her own? I am not reading any in your posts.

[You Go Girl]

MC is an absolute must.

 

Arguing over the cell phone is not a good sign. I'm not sure she's done with him. She may be wondering when they are going to talk again or see each other. Even if there's no ongoing PA.

 

Tell that man's wife! She has a right to know what is going on in her own life! Do it for her! Call it charity if you want!

Had it been that she had found them in her home, would you have wanted his wife to keep quiet and not tell you?

[Cobra_X]

I was a small business owner with a computer consulting-type business. The majority of my time was spent running around doing quotes and other freebie work that didn't ever work out. The last year was particularly horrid and I was miserable. I should have bailed out over a year ago. I'm glad that phase of my life is over and I can move on to other things.

As for threats, I really haven't made any up to this point. She had me convinced to not be angry at her for the OM's attempts to contact her. After numerous inbound messages that kept sending me on the emotional roller coaster I said enough.

Today she defriended and blocked the OM on FB. His emails now go into a black hole and she has a new phone number like it or not. We got in a pretty good fight about her reluctance to change her phone number and my message to her was tough luck.

Thanks,

TF

 

Hey.... if you want the guy to stop. Have you considered asking her to file a restraining order?

[U2RockZz]

what you will do if your W creates another email A/C....access it from her workplace....would you follow her around......

 

"your W blocked OM in FB".....ya....you conquered mount Everest..

 

some how your priorities seems to be messed up....go get a job,get the divorce.....get happy

 

i don't think you have to ask/say things to your W if your W IS so much interested saving M.... i can't really see it from your writing....i would rather waste my time on your crappy job than your W.....

[thinkfast444]

MC is an absolute must.

 

Arguing over the cell phone is not a good sign. I'm not sure she's done with him. She may be wondering when they are going to talk again or see each other. Even if there's no ongoing PA.

 

Tell that man's wife! She has a right to know what is going on in her own life! Do it for her! Call it charity if you want!

Had it been that she had found them in her home, would you have wanted his wife to keep quiet and not tell you?

 

At this point I'm near the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy (food, home, friends, self esteem, self actualization). Telling the OMW might be the right thing to do, but if it doesn't further my goals then I'm not doing it.

 

That said, the OM has now responded to the block on FB by saying he is going to show up at her work. If he does show up I will have her go file a restraining order. Anyone know what level of harassment is normally required to get a RO?

 

My plan is to let the OM know I will tell his wife if he shows up at my wife's work. I agree with the other LS posts that says the OMW will be watching the OM like a hawk -- and as long as she is with him I think the OMW will keep him away from my Ws work.

[thinkfast444]

what you will do if your W creates another email A/C....access it from her workplace....would you follow her around......

 

"your W blocked OM in FB".....ya....you conquered mount Everest..

 

some how your priorities seems to be messed up....go get a job,get the divorce.....get happy

 

i don't think you have to ask/say things to your W if your W IS so much interested saving M.... i can't really see it from your writing....i would rather waste my time on your crappy job than your W.....

 

Yes, W is trying to save our M. The break with the OM wasn't as clean as I'd like it to be, but I'm convinced that W is not hiding things from me. She is a bit reluctant because everytime a message came in from the OM I hit the ****ing roof and by her nature she doesn't like conflict. That said, she's made huge changes to her own life and if I can find a way to live a balanced life we should be able to be pretty happy.

 

Of course, I'll always know that she had an affair. I'm sure this will rear it's ugly head from time to time. Reading through emails on LS I see that I will probably be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

[thinkfast444]

It is clear from your wife's behaviors after being caught, that she only stopped this relationship because she got CAUGHT. I have read nothing that would suggest true remorse or change of heart. If you hadn't caught her red handed, are there any signs that she would have stopped on her own? I am not reading any in your posts.

 

None other than the fact I know that having an affair was tearing her up inside. Some people aren't built for compartmentalizing their life, and she is definitely one of them. Of all the people I know on this earth she is the least capable of pulling something like this off. But she did it and I can tell it was tearing her apart from the insides out.

 

I did catch her red handed and the ramifications of that to me (and her) are much greater than if I just heard about it. I don't have to imagine finding some OM's vehicle at my house in the middle of the day, having to unlock my own door, walking inside to find no one around and then finding them upstairs. It was god awful and it will take years for me to get over.

[RobD70]

Telling the OMW might be the right thing to do, but if it doesn't further my goals then I'm not doing it.

It may get the OM off your W's back. If the OMW knew what was going on I'm sure she would make some effort to try to stop his communications. It would at least distract him some.

[reservoirdog1]

It may get the OM off your W's back. If the OMW knew what was going on I'm sure she would make some effort to try to stop his communications. It would at least distract him some.

YES. What he said.

[Maladjusted]

Of all the people I know on this earth she is the least capable of pulling something like this off. But she did it and I can tell it was tearing her apart from the insides out.

 

I said the same exact thing once. Now, I don't know what to think.

[Maladjusted]

It may get the OM off your W's back. If the OMW knew what was going on I'm sure she would make some effort to try to stop his communications. It would at least distract him some.

 

While I get the feeling that the OM doesn't care, I do agree that he will be distracted. I will tell you this: I never told the OM's wife and I still regret it. In this situation, I think you should tell her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This affair isnt over you need to expose to his wife!