Two months in and the OM is still attempting contact

[thinkfast444]

Two months ago I came home and found my wife of 16 years upstairs with another man. It was devastating to say the least.

 

The OM was someone who frequents her place of work and it appears as though she had an emotional relationship with him that turned sexual and went on for about 4 months.

 

It's been a rocky road to say the least. I was a workaholic and this was at the core of our problems together so I quit my job immediately. In the past two months I've hardly looked for work and frankly I think my work ethic is totally destroyed over this. Since 70% of our income was generated by me living off unemployment is pretty stressful for her. I'm seriously depressed so I don't really care one way or another as I feel nothing worse can happen to me in my life.

 

When this happened I immediately laid down the law and told her and him that there was to be no contact. Because the OM refused to get out of the picture I gave my wife a bit of leeway to go and talk to the guy and convince him to not show up at her place of work. From what I can tell my wife has followed my NC rules pretty well. The OM still sends messages claiming that he loves her in stomach turning prose.

 

We're working on things, but I'm an emotional wreck. I've called her some nasty names the last few days and probably have hurt our relationship. Last week I destroyed her cell phone when borrowing since it had a couple of pictures on it from him (she had told me they were there). I'd like her to change numbers so that he can't send messages to her. My wife is a bit bent out of shape at the idea of changing numbers, but I've explained how I feel whenever the OM sends her messages and the fact that I just want him to go away. Emotionally we seem to do fine until the OM sends a message and I blow up (unproductive I know!)

 

I love my wife and was totally surprised by this. I know her to be the person least equipped to carry on an affair. She has promised me that she wants to work things out with me. I understand that I'm in transition in my life and we both don't really know where this will end up.

 

I've asked my wife to delete and block the OM from Facebook and email. Up to this point she has resisted, giving the excuse that she wants to leave a line of communication so that he doesn't just show up at her work and explode this situation for all of us.

 

Need some advice on how to make this pain stop.

 

Thanks,

 

TF

[FryFish]

Your bitch of a wife needs to understand that she CANNOT LEAVE ANY LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN! Tell her to change her number and to get a restraining order if the guy doesnt go away. You have all of her passwords at this point right? She is a cheating .... and does not deserve ANY privacy at this point. Why does she keep pictures he sends her?

 

Are you sure that she has stopped seeing him?

[thinkfast444]

I'll never be 100% sure about anything in life now.

 

I have her email password and have set all messages from him to forward to me automatically so I'll know if there is anything from him.

 

She changed the Facebook password to something I don't know about a month ago. The reason stated was that she didn't want me freaking out in that account. My BS detector is only slightly elevated as she is terrified that Facebook is public messages somehow and the inbound communication seems to always be through email.

 

Tomorrow I will make sure I know the FB password.

Edited August 26, 2010 by thinkfast444

[Cobra_X]

I'll never be 100% sure about anything in life now.

I have her email password and have set all messages from him to forward to me automatically so I'll know if there is anything from him.

She changed the Facebook password to something I don't know about a month ago. The reason stated was that she didn't want me freaking out in that account. My BS detector is only slightly elevated as she is terrified that Facebook is public messages somehow and the inbound communication seems to always be through email.

Tomorrow I will make sure I know the FB password.

 

Seriously guy... if she cared about you at all then this stuff would be a no brainer. She would cut communication with him 100% without having you push her.

 

I would strongly bet that she continues to see him a lot when she is at work. Look for any time she spends out of your sight and be VERY suspicious of it.

 

Also... I don't think it's healthy at all to blame this on your work habits. She could have divorced you... or a million other things. Instead she chose to go behind your back with another man. That doesn't say good things about her.

[Bryanp]

Your wife not only had been sex for 4 months with another man and put your health at risk for STD's, but apparently had so little respect for you that she had sex with him IN YOUR HOME behind your back and you actually caught her in the act. How many times has she taken him into your home and bed? I assume she probably had sex in your bed also. She clearly has nothing but utter contempt for you and your relationship to humiliate you in such a horrible way. The both of you need to get tested for STD's. If the roles had been reversed do you think that she would have been so accepting as you have been? It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

How can you be sure it did not last longer than 4 months and how can you be sure that it has not happened before with other men. The fact that she would have sex with him in your home is very very symbolic and shows the total distain she has for you and your marriage. Why would you be proud to have her as your wife? Why would you want to stay married to her? Clearly she now knows that that apparently that you will accept all types of humiliation to remain married to her. You deserve better than this.

[hunnybea]

When I found out about my husband's affair, he confessed and when she tried contacting him again, he changed his number. On his own, I didn't push it. IMO, If she wants the relationship to work, she would change her number and stop all lines of communication WITHOUT being pushed to do it.

 

The fact that she isn't willing too should be a huge red flag. She still wants the contact.

[RobD70]

In situations like this, the first thing I would do is file for a divorce regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not. It shows you are take this seriously and puts the fear of god in them even though technically it doesn’t do anything. Here in Texas you file for a couple of hundred bucks then it gives you the opportunity to actually divorce 61 days later which you can simply ignore (this happened to me).

 

If it doesn’t end up working out you will had wished you filed at the beginning (I wish I had and I did work things out in my case). You lose a lot of self respect later on when it hits you that you tried so hard to stay with someone who cheated on you. It’s not your job to fix the marriage, it’s hers now.

[Bryanp]

Your wife is bent out of shape about changing cell phones so he can't continue to send her pictures? Your wife is against giving you the password on her facebook page where he can contact her? You have got to be kidding me. She was cheating on you for at least 4 months and screwing this guy in your house and she is dictating terms to you? Her actions speak volumes. I think part of the reason she was doing this is that she knew there would not be a lot of consequences to her actions. She knew that after all of this humiliation you would never even threaten to divorce. Therefore she had nothing to lose by screwing another man behind your back because she knew that you would forgive her for whatever humiliation she brought to you. Her attitude indicates that she still wants to receive pictures and messages from him.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what women would respect a man that would accept all of this humiliation and disrespect that your wife did to you. I am sorry but nobody respects a doormat. If she feels that she would never have to worry about a divorce then there really is no reason for her to respect you at all which her actions clearly indicate.

[carhill]

Seems like the wrong person quit their job. Oh, well, time for some positive moves. What do you suggest, OP, as one you can make today?

 

Counseling should help with the pain. Drinking, not so much. Contact a few trusted friends and find some support. My sympathies.

[2sure]

Your wife should have been the one to quit HER job since that is where she sees the OM. Her continuing to work where they can see each other is nonsense.

 

Her contact with the OM, her availability, and her great need for privacy are not only going to prevent the two of you from reconciling but also will allow her to continue inappropriate behavior.

 

You say that your being a workaholic contributed to creating distance in the marriage which led toward her behavior...so you quit your job...but now that you have the hours opposite of a workaholic...she is still continuing to reach outward from the marriage. Thats not good.

[Spark1111]

Two months ago I came home and found my wife of 16 years upstairs with another man. It was devastating to say the least.

 

The OM was someone who frequents her place of work and it appears as though she had an emotional relationship with him that turned sexual and went on for about 4 months.

 

It's been a rocky road to say the least. I was a workaholic and this was at the core of our problems together so I quit my job immediately. In the past two months I've hardly looked for work and frankly I think my work ethic is totally destroyed over this. Since 70% of our income was generated by me living off unemployment is pretty stressful for her. I'm seriously depressed so I don't really care one way or another as I feel nothing worse can happen to me in my life.

 

When this happened I immediately laid down the law and told her and him that there was to be no contact. Because the OM refused to get out of the picture I gave my wife a bit of leeway to go and talk to the guy and convince him to not show up at her place of work. From what I can tell my wife has followed my NC rules pretty well. The OM still sends messages claiming that he loves her in stomach turning prose.

 

We're working on things, but I'm an emotional wreck. I've called her some nasty names the last few days and probably have hurt our relationship. Last week I destroyed her cell phone when borrowing since it had a couple of pictures on it from him (she had told me they were there). I'd like her to change numbers so that he can't send messages to her. My wife is a bit bent out of shape at the idea of changing numbers, but I've explained how I feel whenever the OM sends her messages and the fact that I just want him to go away. Emotionally we seem to do fine until the OM sends a message and I blow up (unproductive I know!)

 

I love my wife and was totally surprised by this. I know her to be the person least equipped to carry on an affair. She has promised me that she wants to work things out with me. I understand that I'm in transition in my life and we both don't really know where this will end up.

 

I've asked my wife to delete and block the OM from Facebook and email. Up to this point she has resisted, giving the excuse that she wants to leave a line of communication so that he doesn't just show up at her work and explode this situation for all of us.

 

Need some advice on how to make this pain stop.

 

Thanks,

 

TF

 

You both must insist on NC, together...with this OM.

 

Your wife is still experiencing affair fog; she still wants both you and he, or at least his communication.

 

Block him on FB, change cell numbers, and together tell him in no uncertain terms he is no longer a participant in your marriage. If he stops by her work, she is to inform you immediately!

 

Insist upon it. Until all contact and avenues of contact stop between your wife and this OM, the affair, or the feelings it provokes in her, will remain, thus keeping it alive.

 

As long as she can turn to him, she is turned away from you.

 

This will invoke the mourning phase....she will mourn the loss of her AP, more likely, the way he made her feel.

 

If she has continued contact, Pack her bags and tell her to go be with him. Then YOU have no additional contact with her.

 

This is all pretty normal...sadly.

 

And now the hard part of putting your marriage back together, or not, begins.

 

Good luck to you. This takes a lot of courage, no matter what you decide to do.

[bestplayer]

I'll never be 100% sure about anything in life now.

 

I have her email password and have set all messages from him to forward to me automatically so I'll know if there is anything from him.

 

She changed the Facebook password to something I don't know about a month ago. The reason stated was that she didn't want me freaking out in that account. My BS detector is only slightly elevated as she is terrified that Facebook is public messages somehow and the inbound communication seems to always be through email.

 

Tomorrow I will make sure I know the FB password.

 

My friend your wife after humiliating you in the worst possible manner

is still fooling you . i dont mean to be harsh but If she can't cut off all contacts from OM all at once that means for her you are nothing more than a doormat .

BTW what makes you think that she wants to work things out with you when she isn't willingto change her phone number ?

[In_Repair]

Go change her cell phone number yourself, if you can. The refusal to change numbers and email accounts is a way for them to downplay any new discoveries you might make. Right now, you could stumble upon any sort of communication from him to her, and she can play it off by saying that he just won't stop. If her cell phone number were to change, and THEN you found a text from him.... it would be obvious that SHE gave him the new number.

 

Even then, a prepaid non-traceable throw away phone is the cheaters best friend after D-day. So keep an eye out for one of those also.

 

Then the email accounts... really? Skip the password hacking and install a reputable keylogger on the computer. I have five different email accounts myself, and each one has a different password. This comes straight from the pages of "Cheating for dummies". A keylogger will not only tell you her passwords, it will also track her usage history and clue you into any additional accounts she may have. You also have the ability to read every email she composes, even if she deletes it, because the keylogger records every key stroke.

Edited August 26, 2010 by In_Repair
.....

[Maladjusted]

 

Need some advice on how to make this pain stop.

 

My gut reaction would be to beat the crap out of the OM (especially since he's been caught and keeps pursuing) but that probably isn't the healthiest thing to do.... I've been where you are and I know how you are feeling.

 

What you can do to make the pain lessen (because you can't make it stop right now) is to make sure you are getting some exercise and taking good care of yourself through these trying times.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've asked my wife to delete and block the OM from Facebook and email. Up to this point she has resisted, giving the excuse that she wants to leave a line of communication so that he doesn't just show up at her work and explode this situation for all of us.

 

she is full of s##t. she doesn't want him to go away.

 

get rid of her.

 

 

Need some advice on how to make this pain stop.

 

get rid of the source of your pain....your wife.

 

and no, this isn't knee-jerk. she doesn't want to honor your absolutely reasonable request because she still wants him around in some way.

 

you have a wife that wants another man, so unless you are willing to be a cuckold, she needs to know that you are ready to ask her to leave.

[YellowShark]

Hi thinkfast444,

 

I have been down this exact road and here's what I learned.

 

1) She should have quit HER job, not you.

 

2) You and your wife are each 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage, but SHE is 100% responsible for the affair. NEVER EVER forget that equation.

 

3) SHE needs to go full NC with her affair partner. Shut down Facebook 100%, change her cell number, etc. Any failure to do so is EVIDENCE that she is not willing to end the affair and is disrespecting you.

 

4) The pain is HUGE. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It will take years to repair the damage SHE has caused.

 

5) Both of you need to seek marriage counselling ASAP. And SHE should pay for it as a consequence for her infidelity. Additionally, if she is truly remorseful and wants to fix things between you two, then she will not bat an eye at immediate marriage counselling.

 

It is up to her to move mountains now to repair the marriage thinkfast444, any backpedaling is a sign she is unworthy of your companionship. You also need to stand your ground, and not allow her to turn you into less than a man.

 

Best of luck.

[Distant78]

Two months ago I came home and found my wife of 16 years upstairs with another man. It was devastating to say the least.

 

The OM was someone who frequents her place of work and it appears as though she had an emotional relationship with him that turned sexual and went on for about 4 months.

 

It's been a rocky road to say the least. I was a workaholic and this was at the core of our problems together so I quit my job immediately. In the past two months I've hardly looked for work and frankly I think my work ethic is totally destroyed over this. Since 70% of our income was generated by me living off unemployment is pretty stressful for her. I'm seriously depressed so I don't really care one way or another as I feel nothing worse can happen to me in my life.

 

When this happened I immediately laid down the law and told her and him that there was to be no contact. Because the OM refused to get out of the picture I gave my wife a bit of leeway to go and talk to the guy and convince him to not show up at her place of work. From what I can tell my wife has followed my NC rules pretty well. The OM still sends messages claiming that he loves her in stomach turning prose.

 

We're working on things, but I'm an emotional wreck. I've called her some nasty names the last few days and probably have hurt our relationship. Last week I destroyed her cell phone when borrowing since it had a couple of pictures on it from him (she had told me they were there). I'd like her to change numbers so that he can't send messages to her. My wife is a bit bent out of shape at the idea of changing numbers, but I've explained how I feel whenever the OM sends her messages and the fact that I just want him to go away. Emotionally we seem to do fine until the OM sends a message and I blow up (unproductive I know!)

 

I love my wife and was totally surprised by this. I know her to be the person least equipped to carry on an affair. She has promised me that she wants to work things out with me. I understand that I'm in transition in my life and we both don't really know where this will end up.

 

I've asked my wife to delete and block the OM from Facebook and email. Up to this point she has resisted, giving the excuse that she wants to leave a line of communication so that he doesn't just show up at her work and explode this situation for all of us.

 

Need some advice on how to make this pain stop.

 

Thanks,

 

TF

 

There are too many red flags about what you presented here, so I suggest divorcing her and find another job. You should confront the OM since he doesn't know when to stay out of other's business. I hope you did when you found him in your home. She has no respect for you, has committed the ultimate betrayal inside your marital home on more than one occasion (with probably more than one man), refuses to stop having contact with the guy and continues to cheat on you. Don't blame her problems on your persistence to put food on the table and provide security for her.

[2sunny]

she's not willing to let him go. so let HER go.

 

then, go to your old job and beg them to take you back... regain some consistency and start rebuilding your life without her. she has priorities = it's not you.

 

since you can't MAKE her want you and the M - make yourself and your future your priority.

[reservoirdog1]

I'll never be 100% sure about anything in life now.

 

I have her email password and have set all messages from him to forward to me automatically so I'll know if there is anything from him.

 

She changed the Facebook password to something I don't know about a month ago. The reason stated was that she didn't want me freaking out in that account. My BS detector is only slightly elevated as she is terrified that Facebook is public messages somehow and the inbound communication seems to always be through email.

 

Tomorrow I will make sure I know the FB password.

You shouldn't HAVE TO twist her FB password out of her. Nor should you have to fight with her about changing her email address or cell number. If she's actually committed to repairing the devastation she's caused, she should be doing those things willingly. Her unwillingness to do so speaks volumes.

 

"Leaving the lines of communication open", my ass.

 

You need to be firmer with her. You need to tell her that there are certain things you require from her if you're going to consider reconciliation with her, and that they're non-negotiable. Those things include that she changes her cell number and email, and gives you unlimited, anytime access to her home PC internet history, and all of her passwords. Her refusal to do so should tell you everything you need to know.

 

God, I see red when I hear about supposedly repentant cheaters pulling shyt like hers.

 

then, go to your old job and beg them to take you back... regain some consistency and start rebuilding your life without her. she has priorities = it's not you.

I agree with this. If you had good relationships with your superiors there, I'll bet they'll at least hear you sympathetically and consider bringing you back. Especially when you tell them the mountain of personally devastating shyt you've been dealing with.

 

Then, once you're employed again, she should quit HER job.

[2sunny]

he's still attempting contact because she allows it.

 

YOU can't make her do or not do anything. since she isn't willing to cut him off - she is sending you a clear message that she still wants him.

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for your pain.It sounds to me as she is calling most of the shots

show her where the bear ***** in the woods.Is this guy married? Find this out

and if he is go to his partner.Bring it in to the open and let her face the music.

Good Luck!

[thinkfast444]

Your wife not only had been sex for 4 months with another man and put your health at risk for STD's, but apparently had so little respect for you that she had sex with him IN YOUR HOME behind your back and you actually caught her in the act. How many times has she taken him into your home and bed? I assume she probably had sex in your bed also. She clearly has nothing but utter contempt for you and your relationship to humiliate you in such a horrible way. The both of you need to get tested for STD's. If the roles had been reversed do you think that she would have been so accepting as you have been? It is clear that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

How can you be sure it did not last longer than 4 months and how can you be sure that it has not happened before with other men. The fact that she would have sex with him in your home is very very symbolic and shows the total distain she has for you and your marriage. Why would you be proud to have her as your wife? Why would you want to stay married to her? Clearly she now knows that that apparently that you will accept all types of humiliation to remain married to her. You deserve better than this.

 

While I didn't catch them in the act, I did catch them upstairs together. They made up a bull**** excuse why he was there that I saw through in an instant. When he left I confronted her, she confessed and I made her call the OM back so I could tell him to get the hell out of our lives. Immediately the mattress was replaced and I made my wife go explain things to her family and mine. Only a limited number of friends know and neither one has gone to counselling, although I plan to ASAP.

 

I though about STDs on DDay+2 and basically decided that my exposure was probably minimal and whatever he may have I already had it since my wife and I had sex during the four month affair. As a way of reclaiming my life I'll go get tested.

 

I'm pretty sure it never happened with another man.

[Bryanp]

Many STD's will not show up for at least 6 months. You both need to be tested. How in the world did she justify bringing the OM into your home? Your wife does not sound remorseful enough in the fact that she is still fighting you on being open and transparent to you.

[thinkfast444]

Seems like the wrong person quit their job. Oh, well, time for some positive moves. What do you suggest, OP, as one you can make today?

 

Counseling should help with the pain. Drinking, not so much. Contact a few trusted friends and find some support. My sympathies.

 

Thanks. In some ways I've reverted to a teenager (wild emotions, selfishness, doing whatever I want, smoking, boozing) but I know I have to act like a responsible middle aged man.

 

I've started to put together a plan to generate revenue and get back to a reasonable working life. Previously I worked 15 hour days for a couple of years straight and I know that wasn't working for me, her, or us as a couple.

 

As for her, she just received word that she now has a second job and will be working 6 days a week until she can depart from her first job in a few months. The new job is in her "primary career" so she will now be the primary breadwinner. Funny how life throws you curveballs.

[thinkfast444]

Many STD's will not show up for at least 6 months. You both need to be tested. How in the world did she justify bringing the OM into your home? Your wife does not sound remorseful enough in the fact that she is still fighting you on being open and transparent to you.

 

Thanks for the info. I'll get tested now and do a follow up.

 

TF