Do dumpers need acceptance?

[EthanH]

A really simple question to those on here who have dumped, did you feel you needed acceptance from the other person to fully move on? I won't go into my whole situation, but from what I can gather, my ex couldn't make up her mind if she really wanted to end things with me for good. She fought me trying to get her back for a while, but has told friends she only did that as she concentrated her anger on my inability to decide that I didn't want to be with her. For most part I backed off, and yet she knew I still liked her, I just wasn't begging her to get back with me. When I finally did decide I needed to show myself more self respect, I emailed her to say for her to leave me alone until she knew what she wanted. Friends have told me that this took her by surprise, that she had spent so much time being annoyed that I thought she still liked me, that I still had feelings for her, that she ironically swept the fact that she did still like me under the carpet. And now, after pushing for me to give her space and accept it, they say she is kinda resigned to just continuing with the same status-quo as she knows she would feel hypocritical to go back on that, and guilty that her feelings could change again, messing me around. It's like she is able to remove all guilt and kinda reassure herself that even if she did like me, i have moved on now, so it's pointless to think that.

 

so to dumpers, did you need your ex to fully, outwardly accept it before you were able to move on?

[skydiveaddict]

I've got bad news for you Ethan, the dumper has no more feelings for you. She has already moved on. That is why you got dumped.

[LostIsMyFav]

In your situation, I would say move on dude. If anything this girl is playing you and I would really hate to say it like that but I'm in the same boat as you with my ex BF he didn't know what he wanted. Sometimes you have to listen to yourself and concentrate on you and not always be feeding off of what the person you like wants because you will make yourself miserable and will find that you spend too much time paying attention to someone who didn't even deserve your attention.

Personally, I need closure from the other person that it's really over so that I know whether to move on. But some people are fine with leaving it how it is. Either way you should come to SELF acceptance and find a way to accept that it's over. If it's meant to be it'll happen.

[PrettyPoppy]

I don't think there is singular "dumper" type any more than there is one type of "dumpee". Human beings are complex creatures and tend to vary a great deal.

For purpose of dialog, I will opinion that those who piggyback relationship or cheat usually are anesthetizing themselves with relationship. The "they don't feel anything" is mostly applicable and the person has such enormous intimacy issues that they are unaware of, it is pointless to bother with them and I would go NC to both save your own ego and not feed into theirs. No easy task.

 

Chronic substance abusers would fall under the same umbrella, as that is the point and they are unavailable until they sober up and will only string it along until the person who is attempting to have a relationship with them is but a shell of their former self. NC is downright the only solution (including mothers and children) and is the most loving thing one can do with this sort. This is well documented.

 

The narcissistic type (or downright narcissist) is basically the only person who are hideous humanoid "dumpers" that fit the common LS description of ego feeding, soulless x's. That makes sense, as they are the most baffling and it takes anyone who has tried to love this sort sometimes a lifetime to recover from the confusion. Usually they often have all of the above traits and will never change. That is what is difficult to accept and they like to vampire off compassionate/codependent sorts.

 

So those dumpers being noted, the rest are truly situational. I am currently the dumper. I am, however, not cold and the dumpee is the one who tends to be the distancer. This is why I dumped him. If he had done any of the begging/crying etc gestures, we would be together. For him, that range of emotion would mean he was capable of changing and working on himself, or even desired to. His deep freeze NC post the breakup, in my situation, has simply made me move more and more into validating I made exactly the right decision.

 

Now, some seem to believe dumpers know 100% or should, prior to dumping. Uh, last I checked this was not accounting and was a human relationship, involving very unpredictable creatures. Human's have a hard time choosing a new car and believing it is the right choice for more than a week. I could go on. Usually there are doubts, but the dumper has hit a wall, of some sort, many times and has to revert to the basic: can this work out? They make the best of this choice with all sorts of second guessing etc. Sometimes this means a dumper dumps in full acceptance that they still love the person, but that it is getting to be just a mess and seemingly not changing anytime soon. This is not always just the dumpee's fault. In my case, my own behavior was a huge motivation to leave, I was not reacting well to many of the scenarios and accept that I was part of the problem. In most breakups everyone is both wrong and right, victim and persecutor. I personally don't find it very helpful to focus on pigeonholing, no matter what side of the equation I'm on.

 

Far more productive to focus on what I want, need and can handle at the time v. just trying to pin the blame on self or other.

 

So look at yourself and share what you need to sort through. Your specific situation is important for the reader to know to respond with anything of value. Ask questions, like you just have, often it can shed light on many things and broadens your perspective (always a good thing, IMO)

[Ronni_W]

so to dumpers, did you need your ex to fully, outwardly accept it before you were able to move on?

The decision to move on is an "inside job", not controlled by external factors. One person can never "hold back" another's growth/moving on by withholding acceptance of the break-up, by not validating the reasons given for the break-up, or by doing/not doing whatever else.

 

We don't have power to be able to prevent others from doing what they want or need to do in their lives/for themselves: You can't force/manipulate her to NOT get over you or to take a really long time getting over you...same as she can't influence/control you to get over her any faster.

You're both gonna take however short/long you're gonna take...without the other's "acceptance" or lack of acceptance.

[kristinpea1979]

The decision to move on is an "inside job", not controlled by external factors. One person can never "hold back" another's growth/moving on by withholding acceptance of the break-up, by not validating the reasons given for the break-up, or by doing/not doing whatever else.

 

We don't have power to be able to prevent others from doing what they want or need to do in their lives/for themselves: You can't force/manipulate her to NOT get over you or to take a really long time getting over you...same as she can't influence/control you to get over her any faster.

You're both gonna take however short/long you're gonna take...without the other's "acceptance" or lack of acceptance.

 

 

Well said. This is exactly how I have been thinking about my recent break-up...

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and he still has not accepted it. I know I need to move on regardless, and while the way he has handled it (begging, pleading, threatening, name-calling - he's all over the board between nice/mean) has been less than ideal for me, the best thing I could do and have done is to not give him ANY sort of false hope. It needs to be over, no contact, no false promises from the dumper. He calls me, saying he will change, that he is sorry for taking me for granted, that he "deserves" a chance to change (our relationship WAS the chance), and while these comments make me feel bad occasionally, I still know I made the right choice for ME. So, whether or not he chooses to accept it, I am not letting it hold me back from moving on. I do not say things to appease him, to get him to shut up. He will call, act all nice, say things about loving me, missing me, not wanting to lose me, and I have to bring him right back down and tell him I feel the way I feel and that is not going to change over night, and probably not ever, just because he makes these bold statements. Once I say the reality of it, and he realizes that his comments/efforts did not manipulate me into reversing my decision, he reverts to the name calling/anger. It would serve no purpose for me to even give him a glimmer of hope that I may change my mind. I know he hasn't accepted it, and while I wish he would, I know he WILL, in time...all I can do is move forward with myself, and be nice without giving false hope.

[EthanH]

Well said. This is exactly how I have been thinking about my recent break-up...

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and he still has not accepted it. I know I need to move on regardless, and while the way he has handled it (begging, pleading, threatening, name-calling - he's all over the board between nice/mean) has been less than ideal for me, the best thing I could do and have done is to not give him ANY sort of false hope. It needs to be over, no contact, no false promises from the dumper. He calls me, saying he will change, that he is sorry for taking me for granted, that he "deserves" a chance to change (our relationship WAS the chance), and while these comments make me feel bad occasionally, I still know I made the right choice for ME. So, whether or not he chooses to accept it, I am not letting it hold me back from moving on. I do not say things to appease him, to get him to shut up. He will call, act all nice, say things about loving me, missing me, not wanting to lose me, and I have to bring him right back down and tell him I feel the way I feel and that is not going to change over night, and probably not ever, just because he makes these bold statements. Once I say the reality of it, and he realizes that his comments/efforts did not manipulate me into reversing my decision, he reverts to the name calling/anger. It would serve no purpose for me to even give him a glimmer of hope that I may change my mind. I know he hasn't accepted it, and while I wish he would, I know he WILL, in time...all I can do is move forward with myself, and be nice without giving false hope.

The thing is, and I read your post. I understand totally why you are doing what you are doing, and tbh, I think you are doing totally the right thing. I think there are a few differences between our situations > I haven't been 'mean' as your ex has, yes for about a week, i did 'beg' her, and there were times when I guess I did it after we hooked up for a few days, but ultimately, the worst thing I have done is not specifically say to her 'leave me alone, I don't like you anymore'... I did what i felt, I didn't pretend, I just allowed myself to act how I felt. I still moved my life on, it was tough, but if anyone, including her, asked me if i liked her, i said yes, because i did. The change came when I realised that the very fact i was waiting around was what was stopping her from having to make a choice.

 

She did mess me around, but I don't think it was her just being 'nice' she wanted me back, and she admitted even when we last spoke, when things were pretty negative, that she had fought her instinct to get back with me for the entire break-up as she felt it was what she 'ought' to do. She believes there is a certain way you act when you break up with someone, you don't give hope, you get over the pain. She told me that for the most part, in the months after we split, she didn't even allow herself to think about getting back with me, sure she missed me, but she focussed her frustration on my apparently stubbornness not to be angry at her and tell her i didn't like her anymore. Then when I finally got to showing some more self respect, she was left kinda lost, there was no conceivable way she could go back on her decision after slagging me over and over for months to let go.