Disastrus Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I am the H in an 18 year marriage. We currently have 3 teen children. I guess like many other marriages, the sex started off pretty frequent, but has tapered off. In 2004 we had a scare when she got pregnant, and miscarried. This was a pretty devastating event for her, but I thought I did a good job of being there for her during this time. That was a catalyst of sorts for me to get a vasectomy. We already had 3 kids, and I was really concerned about harming her health and sanity if another miscarriage happened. Before getting the procedure, she painted this grand picture of us having unrestrained hot sex. I believed her. I went through the process and had some complications that were pretty painful to say the least. A few years ago, she had an issue with my family (my mother), but I was with my wife about it and completely took my wife's side on the issue. As a result of that, I went from the hero to the goat. She cold-shouldered me for close to a year and during that time sex was pretty much her rolling her eyes at me and motioning for me to hurry up and get it over with. When I tried to initiate some kind of dialogue, she disgustedly told me that I was a big wimp for wanting to talk about "feelings". Now, during this time, I did notice that I had let myself go a little, so I went on a pretty hardcore regimen of exercise and diet and lost 90 lbs. So far, I think I look pretty damn good. She, however, is still struggling with weight and refuses to exercise. Anyway, I finally had to know what the bloody hell I was doing wrong. She explained that I was not enough of a he-man and I should initiate sex more. OK, fine, I did and it devolved into the eye-rolling "hurry up" sex. I tried to ask again, and she said I needed to tell her dirty stories so she could get turned on. Ok, but when I did this, she came up with other excuses, she's tired, worried about the house, money, she has to pee it's always something. Lately, I have been having to get her drunk in order to have any kind of real sex besides the hurry crap. Her big thing now is wanting to be with a woman, and she wants me to have sex with another man. Also, She has been masturbating to videos of women's breasts and also seems to have a crush on Christina Applegate (yes she masturbates to videos of her). I think I am close to an end for this, because I get an excuse, so when I try to fix or overcome the obstacle, she comes up with another one. I am so very damn tired of having to masturbate. It also really sucks that I have to masturbate to fantasies of someone actually wanting to be with me. I get hit on all the time, and sometimes when she is right there with me. I am so very very confused at this point, and I am afraid that this is what the rest of my life is going to be.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Im really sorry for what your going through...I know how tough getting in over your head and not knowing how to swim back out can be. I would suggest that you find some kind of therapy that would work for you and your W if that doesnt work you will have to tell her that you are not happy with the inability to figure out and work on the problem and it might be best to seperate...but I dont know...I just feel really bad for you after reading your post.
Woggle Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You are doing nothing wrong. For some women it does not matter what you do because it will never be good enough for them. It sounds like you are married to one of them. You will kill yourself trying to please her and it won't make one bit of difference. Stop worrying about it and stop caring what she thinks.
aerogurl87 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I gotta agree with Woggle. For some people (women as well as men) whatever their partner does will never be enough. She's running out of excuses now, so she's making stuff up that she knows you won't want to do. I don't really know what to tell you but try therapy and if that doesn't work tell her you're unhappy with your sex life and you can't take it anymore, then separate. Sad it may come to this, but the only person who you can rely on in life to make you happy is you. And sometimes you have to just look out for the star player when the team doesn't want to cooperate.
Author Disastrus Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Looking back somewhat. She was abused by her mother, who had a terrible temper. My W has a temper, but for her, it's more of emotional and verbal abuse she metes out. I notice it gets worse when she starts getting insecure about something. Like, let's say I get tired of the house being a mess, so I start cleaning up after I get home from work (she has not worked in 17 or so years) Well, apparently that makes her feel bad about herself, so she lashes out and "punishes" me for "making" her feel bad. I have decided to not play that zero sum game any more. She will be cordially invited to leave the house I am working to pay for, and move back in with her parents. I have had the final straw, and will take care of my own needs somewhere else.
KikiW Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 Agree with above poster, you need to speak to an attorney. Because she has not worked in 17 years, she will be ill-equipped to go back into the workforce, and will demand (and likely get) a fat spousal support check. She may even demand to take the children, your house, your car. Unless you decide to fight to keep your kids and the house (I think it's fair to go before a judge and tell him you want custody and to stay in the house since YOU are able to provide and she does not take care of the house anyway). Again, speak to an attorney.
Distant78 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I am the H in an 18 year marriage. We currently have 3 teen children. I guess like many other marriages, the sex started off pretty frequent, but has tapered off. In 2004 we had a scare when she got pregnant, and miscarried. This was a pretty devastating event for her, but I thought I did a good job of being there for her during this time. That was a catalyst of sorts for me to get a vasectomy. We already had 3 kids, and I was really concerned about harming her health and sanity if another miscarriage happened. Before getting the procedure, she painted this grand picture of us having unrestrained hot sex. I believed her. I went through the process and had some complications that were pretty painful to say the least. A few years ago, she had an issue with my family (my mother), but I was with my wife about it and completely took my wife's side on the issue. As a result of that, I went from the hero to the goat. She cold-shouldered me for close to a year and during that time sex was pretty much her rolling her eyes at me and motioning for me to hurry up and get it over with. When I tried to initiate some kind of dialogue, she disgustedly told me that I was a big wimp for wanting to talk about "feelings". Now, during this time, I did notice that I had let myself go a little, so I went on a pretty hardcore regimen of exercise and diet and lost 90 lbs. So far, I think I look pretty damn good. She, however, is still struggling with weight and refuses to exercise. Anyway, I finally had to know what the bloody hell I was doing wrong. She explained that I was not enough of a he-man and I should initiate sex more. OK, fine, I did and it devolved into the eye-rolling "hurry up" sex. I tried to ask again, and she said I needed to tell her dirty stories so she could get turned on. Ok, but when I did this, she came up with other excuses, she's tired, worried about the house, money, she has to pee it's always something. Lately, I have been having to get her drunk in order to have any kind of real sex besides the hurry crap. Her big thing now is wanting to be with a woman, and she wants me to have sex with another man. Also, She has been masturbating to videos of women's breasts and also seems to have a crush on Christina Applegate (yes she masturbates to videos of her). I think I am close to an end for this, because I get an excuse, so when I try to fix or overcome the obstacle, she comes up with another one. I am so very damn tired of having to masturbate. It also really sucks that I have to masturbate to fantasies of someone actually wanting to be with me. I get hit on all the time, and sometimes when she is right there with me. I am so very very confused at this point, and I am afraid that this is what the rest of my life is going to be. She has multiple issues, coupled with her wanting to sleep with other people (specifically women), and wanting you to sleep with men. She tells you to hurry up as she rolls her eyes during sex? Red flags everywhere. I'd say divorce her because she's unwilling to change and she may have cheated on you or currently is.
TinaniT Posted September 4, 2010 Posted September 4, 2010 If she is unwilling to go to counseling, you may want to look into divorce. No one deserves treated like that and she obviously has issues she needs to deal with. You need to recognize that and not expect you can just give more and more and fix it that way (fighting for your marriage is good, but not losing yourself to a cause you are not in control of) Whatever happens going forward, good luck finding more happiness.
Author Disastrus Posted September 8, 2010 Author Posted September 8, 2010 Ok. I have to say that a lot of this is my own fault for being an enabler. When we first got together, I was working 7 days a week, 10 hours a day and would be exhausted when I finally got home at night. Admittedly, I was not the best at doing the housework, but I was tired. She had a friend telling her that I was a big a**hole for sometimes forgetting to take out the trash, and SHE would never put up with that. Well, I found out recently that she had a dream about that, and she DREAMT that I said something like "Well, you are the woman so do the woman's job" but the crappy thing is, she yelled at me for it and she has held on to this resentment for years. Apparently there are other things that she says I did or said that I do not remember. I have a near eidetic memory and can remember things from when I was a toddler. She has admitted to having a poor memory, but yet these things I "did" are so out of character for me. I am starting to think that I am screwed and not in the good way over all this, and even if I did initiate a divorce, I would lose everything I have been working for, and she would continue to sit on her ass all day on facebook in a house I am ashamed to invite anyone to because of the goddamn mess. Now I *could* just do what needs to be done around here, but then there are her snits and tantrums where everyone has to walk on eggshells because she is a spoiled little *******. I have decided that I need a girlfriend. If I am to be punished, I might as well have fun too.
DaisyLeigh Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Demand counseling. Tell her that it is a condition of staying married. If she refuses, then seek the advice of a good attorney. It sounds to me like she is one messed up puppy.
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