Ex is reaching out slowly

[LizS]

Hello, everybody!

 

So, I've got a bit of a development that I'd like some opinions on.

In short, my ex and I dated for a year and a half, we broke up 2 months ago, and he's been dating another woman for a month. The breakup was not very messy, we had a good relationship, no cheating or fighting. We had some slight problems that could have been fixed, but I believe he became bored/tired with me, saw another girl, and went for the opportunity. After we broke up, he was wishy washy, always sending mixed signals. One day he'd want to cuddle and said he missed me, the next day, he would be cold. He seemed to be confused with what he wanted and not ready to let me go. This made me very confused and annoyed, so about 4 weeks after we broke up, I deleted him off facebook and started no contact. He then started a relationship with the new girl. We have not spoken face to face or seen each other for 6 weeks. The last I had heard anything from him was 3 weeks ago when he tried to make conversation with me on gmail chat [this has always been our way of talking to each other throughout the day], except for last week.....

 

We were both invited to a mutual friend's BBQ. I went with my friends, and my ex and his friends were already there when I showed up. My ex's new girlfriend also eventually showed up. At this point, I'm feeling kind of indifferent about my ex and wasn't nearly as bothered as I thought I would be to see him and his new girlfriend. She was pretty quiet and just kind of sat there all night, and my ex didnt pay that much attention to her. I kept my cool all night, mingled, had fun, laughed, and was happy. Typically, when I was dating my ex, I was much more reserved and quiet in social situations, for various reasons. My demeanor at this BBQ was much more fun and laid back than my ex was used to. My ex and his friends ignored me, until he came over to my group of friends and said he was leaving. We made eye contact, chatted very very briefly [he just had a question about a piercing place my friends and I went to that day], and then he just turned around and left. That was strange for him, normally he requests a hug from everyone and takes forever to say goodbye.

 

Anyways. Him and his friends left and that was that. I was almost certain I would be hearing from him later that night or the next day. And sure enough, literally 30 seconds after I signed on to gmail chat the next morning, his status went from "idle" to "available". So he was waiting for me to come on to talk.

He said "it was nice to (kind of) see you last night. Maybe next time we can actually talk?" I said "sure, sorry I was too busy with my guys." He said "No worries. Was just a little nervous/excited to see you, and then disappointed when it seemed like you were avoiding me." [this is funny to me, since he was avoiding me too. We both just mingled with our respective groups of friends]. Then we just made small talk about my job, and he kept telling me how cool it was. I said I had to go and we said bye and that was it.

 

Any insight on what in the world he's up to, if anything? I was very surprised he admitted to me that he was nervous/excited to see me. He was much more phased by my presence than I was of his. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't really care what he's up to and I'm much less worried about if he comes back to me or not. But I do still want to get back with him at some point in the future, months or a year or two down the road. He either genuinely wants to be my friend or he's feeling me out as a back-up plan. I have decided that I will not be buddies with him, at this point at all, as long as he's still with his new girlfriend. I'm just genuinely curious as to why he's so interested in what I'm doing. I feel like he shouldn't care what I'm doing at this point, especially since he has a new girlfriend to distract him. And I told him when I went no contact that I wouldn't be speaking to him for a few months. And he also told me that it would be awhile before he would be comfortable with me as a friend.

 

So what's up? Clearly he misses me, and I'm not sure he would have contacted me if I would have sulked all night. I feel like I am in the position of power now, and I'm looking for advice on where to go from here.

[Don Ho]

Great job Liz in handling the BBQ just right! I hope some other members will take note of what you did and how you acted before they run into their Ex! His reaction was exactly what you would have wanted. However, I would not read into him sending you an IM the next morning, i.e. it does not mean contact him. I think if I were you I would play it cool the next couple of weeks and continue NC. He may have started getting re-attracted to you at the BBQ because of the way you carried yourself. He might be questioning if his current GF is really working for him. Either way, I would lay back and wait. I don't think I would do any more chatting on IM with him, you don't want him to get in the "comfort" or "friend zone" with you. Maybe you should set it to "off line" or private even when you are on line so he doesn't IM you and you don't get tempted to IM him because he saw you online.

[LizS]

Well, thank you, Don Ho! Things really have been going as well as I could have ever expected them too and exactly as I predicted. He is very predictable. I feel as though he's just trying to keep me on the back burner, which I'm not ok with. I'm also not ok with his behavior after we broke up. He toyed with my emotions alot and went back and forth and I don't agree with his decision to date the new girl when he was clearly still pretty torn up about me. It just screams neediness and disrespect [to himself and her] to me. I definitely don't want him getting the idea that things are all fine and dandy just because I'm speaking to him and polite.

I'm definitely ok with some low contact that he initiates, it doesn't hurt me. But I know at one point he'll want to meet up and its going to be very hard for me not to get pushed into a "friend zone."

I think his girlfriend is working out fine for him, after all, they're still in the honeymoon phase and been together a little over a month. I have heard that they have trouble seeing each other, though. He works during the day, while see works at night. It is nice to know that he does miss me. I'm still pretty shocked that he would be vulnerable enough to mention that he was nervous and excited to see me. He totally ignored me at that BBQ and I thought he didn't give a crap about me, so it was interesting to know that beyond his exterior, he cares. I am trying not to read too much into what he says, though. I know he doesn't want to be with me right now, and that he's just trying to keep tabs on me.

 

He actually sent me another IM yesterday, just reminding me of the last book in a series we used to read that recently came out. After about 10 minutes of no response from me, he sent "you can borrow mine after I'm done, if you don't already have it." I responded an hour later with "ah, well I'm already almost done with it. I'm off for the day, later!" Again, looks like he's prodding me to see what I'm up to or to meet up, since of course, if he were to give me his book, we'd have to meet up.

 

Sigh. I know I've got a chance with him in the future, but I feel like there's going to be some mess involved, it's not going to be easy for anyone.

 

Any more advice? I mean, I guess all I have to do now is be cool and happy and I know he'll be re-attracted. I just don't want to be too available to him or be friends with him.

[Don Ho]

You're playin it right Sista. What advice do you need? Sounds like you've got your emotions under wraps and you're in control of the situation. Well you think everything is ok with his new GF. We'll see. I don't think he's going to like her working nights instead of being with him for too long. Yep keep playing it cool. Did you say if you had the opportunity you would take him back or not?

[LizS]

Well, I told him when we broke up that I wanted to work things out. But that was two months ago. If he dropped everything and came back to me right now, there would have to be many conversations and we would have to take things very slow for me to be ok with everything. But him coming back to me anytime soon is very unlikely, I think. We'll see, though.

 

Strangely, he sent me a random text last night, just to tell me he'd just finished the book he was reading. It was weird because I had already told him I didn't need to borrow his book and had my own copy. I was so surprised to see his name come up on my phone, since we haven't texted at all since the end of June, and it just seemed like such a strange thing to send me.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what I should do if he wants to meet up. Should I give in to his invitation right away the first time or make him work for it? I'm just not sure how to navigate it, since he has a girlfriend. I don't want to play too hard to get, since he might just get annoyed. I also don't want him to get the idea that I still want to be his friend. I told him I was ok with being "friends" when we broke up, because we were still essentially together, and I thought we'd be working things out. But I'm not sure he understands now that I don't want to be friends with him at all as long as he has a girlfriend. But I also don't want to straight out say "I do not want to be friends, unless you want to get back together with me, stay out of my life." I feel like that would definitely push him away right now. I think it's too early on to be giving him ultimatums like that. But maybe a few months down the line, when he gets to know me again, I'll have to give him that ultimatum.

[Don Ho]

"Play too hard to get". Yes, you should play hard to get. THAT will make him interested if he really is. Um, no. Do not give an ultimatum. Not now or later. Play it cool. See what he does. I wouldn't even respond to his text.