Nikki Sahagin Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I think as more time passes, the only thing that saddens me is that things couldn't end nicely and that it eventually had to degenerate from best friends into such an awful mess. I really do think in time, if only he could have been mature enough, we could have returned to being friends. I know on loveshack NC is the way forward, but in real life I know many people who have had smooth endings with exes and in the future have managed to maintain real friendships with them. I think eventually we could have had that. I feel quite cheated that I didn't get the nice, neat, smooth ending. I feel cheated I wont get that friend back because of silly things. I think its a real sad shame. I envy people who had 'happy endings' as far as the ending went. I really wish i'd had that.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I could have written this myself about my situation. My heart goes out to you, know out there is someone who is also trying to cope under similar conditions.
mickleb Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Don't you envy people who have gained closure, Nikki? (It's well within your reach, if you really want it.) x
PegNosePete Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I don't think the NC we advocate here is meant to be permanent. It's only to heal. When you are at a stage where you can quite happily see your ex with another woman, and he can quite happily see you with another man, then you can stop the NC and be friends again.
DenverBachelor Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I think as more time passes, the only thing that saddens me is that things couldn't end nicely and that it eventually had to degenerate from best friends into such an awful mess. Temporary extreme pain for an eventual permanent great source of strength -- sometimes it takes the most difficult experiences in our lives to break us out of our shell and really become the person we always had the potential to be.
single Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 No such thing as a happy ending there is always someone hurting they just don't always show it. As for closure well i have came to the conclusion that you never really get it, you just accept it and move on or try.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I don't think the NC we advocate here is meant to be permanent. It's only to heal. When you are at a stage where you can quite happily see your ex with another woman, and he can quite happily see you with another man, then you can stop the NC and be friends again. I don't think me and my ex would ever have that, not because of me, but because of him. Thats what bothers me.
Cee Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I have a girlfriend who is good at being friends with her exes. In fact, three of them were at her wedding. It takes maturity on both sides for this to happen. And my girlfriend was never a jealous person, nor were her exes. That helps a lot. Also, to be friends with exes, you can't process your pain and the past with the ex. The reason things fall apart is exes turn to each other for "closure." That's not healthy. Closure is something people gain by themselves with the help of platonic friends, good cries, and sometimes therapy. I never expect a friendship from any ex. Because I don't force the issue, it sometimes happens on it's own. Usually, it takes a long time (years) and that's ok because I am a patient person. If a friendship is worth having, it's worth waiting for.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Don't you envy people who have gained closure, Nikki? (It's well within your reach, if you really want it.) x I do yes, but I am struggling with it. I have closure about the relationship but not about our friendship.
mickleb Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I have closure about the relationship but not about our friendship. Presumably, everything other than the sex was part of your 'friendship', within the relationship? Everyone coping here is grieving the friendship they had with their ex. Also, to be friends with exes, you can't process your pain and the past with the ex. The reason things fall apart is exes turn to each other for "closure." That's not healthy. Closure is something people gain by themselves with the help of platonic friends, good cries, and sometimes therapy. Extremely well said, Cee. And this is exactly what you did, Nikki - insisted you needed him to find your own closure. It led to more questions and more pain and now you feel bad because there's so much water under the bridge, you can't be friends with him. We do find our own closure and a good way to do that is via Cee's suggestions, above. We need to make a conscious decision that we will not continue to let them hurt us, anymore. Part of that process is often choosing to not allow thoughts of them to 'get inside' us. Continue working on your depression, learn to trust yourself and you will have a better friend than he could ever be. You. Every minute have you spent thinking about him could have been time you spent making yourself happier, improving your life. What a waste of your precious time. x
PegNosePete Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I don't get this "closure" thing. What is it, exactly? What exactly happens in this imaginary scene that will make it feel all better?
bboy Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) I find "closure" to be a funny thing. It is about closing the relationship and continue on with your life without this person. So it's actually a being in a state of mind where you decide you continue on with your life. I find "closure" also be something many use as an excuse to meet one final time, sob and say how sad things are. Sure, it could perhaps serve as a way to separate in a neutral state. I do however not think it has anything to do with how to cope with the loss. The loss is a loss and will continue be a loss, no matter of closure or not. Some use "closure" to just spew anger against the other person and try to insult them and tell them what an idiot they are and that they never wanted to be with them anyway. Well... that's sorting of a way of getting back at someone. But it hasn't got j*ck sh*t to do with the coping. Since your feelings are probably the same 48H later.. Real closure to mind can't be done in less than 2-3 months when you have calmed down and started to see the relationship as it was from the start to the end. I personally get closure when I can feel that this person who I'm not with anymore, I wish the best of luck and a great life without me. When the future of this individual doesn't really apply to me more than that I once chose to be with this person. In other words, I wish this person good because of the good things we had and because it's another human being. Compassion sort of - that doesn't take its toll on me anymore. Edited August 26, 2010 by bboy
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I don't get this "closure" thing. What is it, exactly? What exactly happens in this imaginary scene that will make it feel all better? I think this is what I struggle with. I don't understand how closure can truly be gained where loss of any kind is concerned. I mean...if a mother loses a child, does she ever find closure? I know the end of a relationship is nothing like that and its almost offensive to compare it, but the lose of certain people I think never comes with closure exactly. Its hard to explain. I know I can accept that its over (I know that sounds silly because I'm complaining yet I've accepted it), but I do miss our friendship. Some days are easier than others. Deep down I know a huge part of me is really hurting over this.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Presumably, everything other than the sex was part of your 'friendship', within the relationship? Everyone coping here is grieving the friendship they had with their ex. Extremely well said, Cee. And this is exactly what you did, Nikki - insisted you needed him to find your own closure. It led to more questions and more pain and now you feel bad because there's so much water under the bridge, you can't be friends with him. We do find our own closure and a good way to do that is via Cee's suggestions, above. We need to make a conscious decision that we will not continue to let them hurt us, anymore. Part of that process is often choosing to not allow thoughts of them to 'get inside' us. Continue working on your depression, learn to trust yourself and you will have a better friend than he could ever be. You. Every minute have you spent thinking about him could have been time you spent making yourself happier, improving your life. What a waste of your precious time. x I understand what you are saying about just not thinking about him, but its kind of like saying 'don't think of elephants.' I can say I don't mean to think about him, though I obviously choose to dwell and mull over thoughts. I'm caught up currently in the idea that I don't feel I did anything to deserve this. I have friends who treat their partners horribly and say and do AWFUL things, yet there partner stands by them. I didn't even do anything and my ex has believed a lie about me and will never talk to me again. Its all just so unfair. I'm getting very woe-is-me because I just feel...i've done nothing, I don't deserve his anger and his hate, I don't deserve his cruelty or to be cast aside, I find it hard to let it go because I basically feel i've been wronged and I was hoping we could be friends. To see other people able to achieve that is so hard. I'm just struggling with how unfair it is. I know that no-one said life was fair, but people did tell me that if you were a good person and pleasant and honest, you would get where you wanted to be. I'm honest - he thinks i'm a liar. I'm a good person to him - he hates me. I'm pleasant - he is horrible to me. Its just so unfair. I'm learning the hard way that its just not enough to be 'nice.' I'm really just sad that I feel he is punishing me for nothing. And I know I'm prolonging my own pain. I don't mean to. I'm just caught in this cycle it would seem. Its hard to let him go when I would fight for him, and the way things ended...yes I have walked away and left it now, but its still hard, to leave things in the dirt like that, when if we could just TALK maturely things could have been more bearable at least. If only i'd seen this coming.
GrayClouds Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Your already having hard time moving on, if it ended nicely you would be suffering forever and never move on. Nikki, your thinking is about how to make the past better rather then pushing yourself to think about how to make here and now better. You are more then your sadness. .
Shakz Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Nikki, your thinking is about how to make the past better rather then pushing yourself to think about how to make here and now better. That's the crux of it. I think that when we define ourselves as part of another it is very difficult to redefine ourselves when that other is removed. Take some time to really get to know yourself now. Focus on you and what it is that you like and what makes you tick. Then, when you have a better idea of who you are, allow yourself to invest in another relationship. You will feel like less part of you has been lost if it doesn't work out, and you might actually grow positively from the exxperience. Who knows, you might find someone to grow together with for a lifetime.
tornandmarried Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 im willing to bet he misses u just as much, and hes kicking himself for acting harshly about the break up....give it time, few years and theres a good chance friendship will just start happening on its own
GrayClouds Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 im willing to bet he misses u just as much, and hes kicking himself for acting harshly about the break up....give it time, few years and theres a good chance friendship will just start happening on its own WTF, if a EX did "misses u just as much" they would not be an EX. Do not fool yourself most can easily rationalize behavior no matter how ugly it is and then never think twice about it again. .
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