Hazyhead Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Ah, another KISA. BA, I agree with 2Sunny, back away from him. I went through the flip-flopping and it's absolutely crippling, emotionally. By backing away from him, you force him to confront the situation alone. If he doesn't and continues to do the breaking up and getting back together then you are well away from it. It's the hardest thing to step away as you'll worry that he'll just say 'Oh well, may as well just stay with the wife then,' but if he does this then maybe he's not a strong enough man for you.
Author BurriedAlive Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 besides - YOU are his SECRET! why be that? aren't you valued more than being a secret? IF he is getting divorced why does his intend to hide you? maybe he doesn't actually intend to get divorced? No I am not his secret. In fact last night we went out to the mall together, diner and got a movie together in public. He didn't even care. We actually ran into someone he and his wife knew at the mall and his reaction was "oh $hit...I wonder how long it takes to get back to W..Oh well." It was a great night. We talked alot about the end of his M and what he is going to do. He does seem very focused on his children which I think is the right thing. I asked him if I had anything to do with his decision to end the M and he said no. He actually joked and said "well you told me you wouldn't be my OW." He has also said that he knew that he could never be faithful to W and that it wasn't right staying in the M. Of course then we had the conversation about which needs W was meeting and which needs I am meeting. By the sounds of it being the mother of his children was the only one. I am doing my very best to stay disconnected. I have no idea if there is a future here or not. I enjoy his company and at this point, that is all I am interested in. If things are meant to be for us then they will happen on their own...
jennie-jennie Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I think I could start a spinoff thread on this subject. I think it is a trend for most MM. They like the W to be needy and they like the OW to be strong. That way, they can always convince themselves that the OW can take the bus accident on D-day whereas the W would simply fall apart (in his mind of course). As long as we are 'strong' they don't have to feel so guilty about throwing us under the bus should a D-day occur. I'm not sure it is so much about strength. More about honesty I think. I asked my MM why he has no problems hurting me when he doesn't want to hurt his wife. He responded that it was because he has decided to tell me the truth at all costs. If I wanted to, he could protect me from hurt by lying to me just like he lies to his wife. I rejected the offer of course. When the MM throws the OW under the bus on Dday, he is again being dishonest with his wife, trying to minimize her hurt.
White Flower Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm not sure it is so much about strength. More about honesty I think. I asked my MM why he has no problems hurting me when he doesn't want to hurt his wife. He responded that it was because he has decided to tell me the truth at all costs. If I wanted to, he could protect me from hurt by lying to me just like he lies to his wife. I rejected the offer of course. When the MM throws the OW under the bus on Dday, he is again being dishonest with his wife, trying to minimize her hurt. You bring up a good point. We must remember there are two (maybe even more) kinds of D-days; the kind where he really makes a choice to stay M and cut off the OW and the kind in which he buys time to figure out what he really wants and can feasably pull off. If it is the latter, and he is completely honest with the OW, you are correct...and his W continues to hurt, and oftentimes without knowing it.
JustJoe Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 But is it a TRUE D-day if any one of the principles are still in the dark?
silverplanets Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 So should we pretend to be a damsel-in-distress? Just a thought. Either way we're doomed to stereo-types. If I'm strong I'm a cold-heart b****, tough as nails, who can handle anything. Further, I'm so almighty powerful, that like a tornado I can manage to destroy a M all on my own. Conversely, If I am weak and needy I play on MM's need to be the knight in shining armor, using that tactic to ruin his M. Sorry, guess I went off-topic. Back to MM being on the fence... If, in his mind, he already has one of these (his W) to his name then why would he want another. He can get needy when he goes home... I suppose weak and needy would work if his wife was independant and didn't need him ... just chillin .. Chris
someday Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Buried Alive, I’m a former BW, I’m a potential OW (probably not tho) and I’ve got to tell you to be careful of this situation. The MM may or may not get D’ed, he may or may not continue to be focused on the D, he may or may not remain out of his marital home. It’s all up in the air. From my own experiences as a BW I’ve learned that anything is possible. Anything. When I asked my H to leave the house he went to his xOW. She was of course ecstatic, and let me know….several times. He told me point blank that he didn’t love me, he was never coming home and we would be D’ed. And all that bravado of his was meaningless because he didn’t believe it and he didn’t want it. So as it happens we are still M’ed and she’s long gone. Just a thought on stereotypes. I’m the W and I’m the strong one, the one who is not needy. xOW was the weak one, the needy one. In fact that was one of H’s motivations to get to know her, because she was needy- he said ‘she needs me.’ So maybe you’re on to something with the thought but, as with most things in life, stereotypes don’t fit very well. I’d highly suggest that you not allow him to use you as his sounding board during the end of his M. I think that would be a very hard place to be. When my H and I were separated he used me as his sounding board regarding his relationship with his OW, well, the ending of the relationship. It got to the point that I just didn’t want to hear it from him anymore. They tried to drag me into it. Hell no. Don’t kid yourself about not being party to the end of his M, you do yourself a disservice. And probably add years onto the unraveling and understanding of this situation. Accept it, own it, learn from it and move on.
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