Hyper-Parenting--Too Much of a Good Thing?

[candymoon]

So, I had a conversation with a work collegue and our daughters are the same-ish age (4 and 5). We almost got into an argument because he said his daughter had "played enough this summer and it was time she buckle down and get to WORK." This kid has some neurological disorder that has not yet been diagnosed, which causes series of seizure-like symptoms and is sometimes confined to a wheelchair.

 

Hmmm.

 

He and his W sent her to FOUR, yes FOUR summer camps, each dedicated to different disciplines...science, arts, reading, gymnastics. Each one was several weeks long. After these day camps, the nanny takes her to a "structured play" day care. Now I'm thinking, to a kid that age, that IS work...fun, yes, but they are learning so many different things, especially in focused camps, as well as learning to socialize within each group with different sets of children each time.

 

So now, the girl has to work because she forgot the difference between a dime and a quarter. "She is losing her education," he says. So now she goes to yet ANOTHER camp, because she can't remember to count change... she is FIVE. I said, when she has to apply the use of money in the real world, she will remember like the rest of us. He shrugged and said, "No, she has to remember NOW." Wow.

 

She starts first grade and will also have an educational thing after school, and mind you some other extracurricular activities, I'm sure.

 

Hyper-Parenting, it's called when I started to do my research. I think we ALL need times of quiet and to slow down to reflect, to observe, and to absorb what we have learned. Filling up every minute can stunt this and we have overanxious, depressed, teens and adults who have trouble coping with life. I know that's simple, there's way too many social and familial factors that contribute, but I think at the early stages, time to reflect and learn who they are is important. I think this is a middle to upper-class phenomenon, this hyper-parenting style.

 

I told him she is young and there are only a few summers where she can be free and learn who she is. Once the puberty years kick in, these summers of innocence that she will remember her whole life, will be gone forever.

 

IDK. I send my kid to pre-school and she goes to tumbling class once a week. Spends the rest of the time with her family and parents and small outings with mom or dad. I don't think every minute needs to be filled up. When I have to keep our schedule tight for whatever obligations, DD hits critical mass and life becomes difficult for everyone. But that's my kid's temperment.

 

I found this article on "Hyper-Parenting": http://www.consistent-parenting-advice.com/hyper-parenting.html

 

Perhaps I am too old school in parenting style and need to modernize a bit? What do you think?

[threebyfate]

It depends on the child. Some need to be hyper-parented, others don't. Some are extroverted while others are introverted.

 

Some of my friends have two kids, who are vastly different in personality types. They've chosen to parent each child in a different way where one blossoms with more stimuli and the other, retreats from it.

[candymoon]

I assume that, yes, but when is it too much? And are some parents trying so hard to compensate for something they missed as children? Do they want kids whose achievment they can brag about all the time? I wonder how much is this hyperparenting more about the parent than the child

[threebyfate]

For some children, there's no limit. As long as they're emotionally healthy and happy, what difference does it make how much they're being stimulated?

 

My parents began stimulating our minds towards investments when we were all prepubes. They made us create imaginary investment portfolios to administer by reading research reports and following the market. Gains and losses were tracked. Can't say enough about how much this has helped us as adults. But there were some parents who found this appalling.

 

So, gauge by your child. If she becomes overstimulated at a particular level, then cut back. But don't forget to challenge her to a reasonable degree outside her comfort zone. Sometimes people's comfort zones need to be challenged so they don't stagnate.

[candymoon]

I am not worried about the stimulation level of my own child as I think we pretty much have it down for HER.

 

But I wonder about this phenomenon in general. Kids have 6-7 hour school days five days a week, an extracurricular club, add a sport, and maybe something ELSE on saturdays, like dance. That's quite a lot. That would keep the entire family dizzy, esp if there were more than one child with such a schedule. Quoted from the article:

"...children today appear to have lost a lot of the wonderful opportunities for free play and a sense of wonder, by a parenting style...."

I think I agree!

[GorillaTheater]

Quoted from the article:

"...children today appear to have lost a lot of the wonderful opportunities for free play and a sense of wonder, by a parenting style...."

I think I agree!

 

I do too. I think it's important for kids to have enough time to simply play, pretend, look at bugs, build forts out in the backyard, and throw dirt clods at each other. You know, being a kid.

 

But you know that it's this father's right to raise his daughter as he sees fit, whether or not you or I may see it as unduly burdensome on the daughter (which it probably is).

[quankanne]

This kid has some neurological disorder that has not yet been diagnosed, which causes series of seizure-like symptoms and is sometimes confined to a wheelchair.

 

do you think the hyper-parenting stems from the thought that their child isn't "perfect," so they must do everything they can to make her "superperfect"? Because it sure sounds that way to me ...

[sb129]

I assume that, yes, but when is it too much? And are some parents trying so hard to compensate for something they missed as children? Do they want kids whose achievment they can brag about all the time? I wonder how much is this hyperparenting more about the parent than the child

 

Many parents want to give their children what they feel they themselves "missed out on" as children.

 

For some that is lessons, classes, activities, holidays and opportunities. Some children thrive on it, others don't.

 

I don't really want to mould my daughter, but I imagine that we will to a point even if it is subconsciously. I already read to her in the hope that she will be a confident reader early in life. She loves music, so we sing lots of songs and I have bought her musical toys.

 

I think being in tune with your child/ren is the key here, and not treating them all as if they are the same.

One child may love piano lessons, another may despise them- listening to and communicating with your children and not comparing them to other children is key IMO.

 

Easier said than done it would seem.

[DaisyLeigh]

Maybe he is having trouble accepting his daughter's issues. I have a child who has Autism and it can be difficult before and right after diagnosis.

[Dooda]

It's parents like these that create over-stressed out, anxious adults that are unable to cope with the outside world because they feel that they always have to overachieve.

Their parents expectations will cause them to believe that nothing is enough, and that he/she always has to do better. He will always be expecting that his mother/father be satisfied with him and will never find satisfaction from within.

Modernize, but with a bit of moderation.

[Clep]

I see much of what you are saying all the time in my profession. I have children in my care going to Montessori preschool at two years old. I see parents living through their children, wanting to be able to say "look at how advanced my child is".

 

It is sad for a child to have this much going on. How exahusting that must be for that child. I think we need to read our children and be able to recognize when they need stimulation and when they need down time to just be a kid and have free play.

 

From what you are describing, there is no way I would believe this child is getting their needs met. More like their parents are at the expense of the child.

[candymoon]

Yees, I was just using this family as an example. Though I do wonder if the kid were actually healthy, how much more stringent her routine would actually be!

 

I think this kind of parenting is has been epidemic since the 90s. That was during the boom years. I doubt in this day and age with the economy the way it is that most who parented this way can afford it now. However he can, and so can and do several of my other collegues. These classes and camps all cost $1,000 or more per 4-6 weeks. They so love to complain about how expensive kids are!

 

I think these parents are also related to the crazed parents who start brawling and fist fighting on the soccer fields during their kids' games. Only kissing cousins, I would think.

[sb129]

Yes and many of the children of the 90s have grown up to be spoilt, and lazy with over inflated senses of entitlement! Either that or turn out like dooda described.

 

I don't have a spare $1000 for extra camps etc. I have never been to summer camp and I turned out OK.

[candymoon]

Yes and many of the children of the 90s have grown up to be spoilt, and lazy with over inflated senses of entitlement! Either that or turn out like dooda described.

 

I don't have a spare $1000 for extra camps etc. I have never been to summer camp and I turned out OK.

 

No *****, sb! I have seen these 90s kids come into the workplace and ask for raises/promotions within their 1st year--and still with mom's milk on their breath and no prior work experience! Talk about entitled.

 

An extra $1000? Ha! That's PER camp. These parents I personally know are sending their kids to 3 or MORE of these $1K camps. So that's $3000 minimum for just this SUMMER. Doesnt even include winter clothes, new toys, etc. There's someone's university tuition for a semester right there, ffs.

 

My parents sent me to camp once in my life... it was nothing to write home about.

[KikiW]

It's parents like these that create over-stressed out, anxious adults that are unable to cope with the outside world because they feel that they always have to overachieve.

Their parents expectations will cause them to believe that nothing is enough, and that he/she always has to do better. He will always be expecting that his mother/father be satisfied with him and will never find satisfaction from within.

Modernize, but with a bit of moderation.

 

THIS.

 

@Clep, I was a Montessori child, and I think it's fine if they go to Montessori at 2 years old, provided the program follows the actual Montessori method. I had to move to public school at 2nd grade and it was a very difficult adjustment for several reasons, but I truly think the Montessori method is the best out there. I wish I was able to send my own daughter there, since I think she would greatly benefit from the teaching style, but was hesitant because the school I attended seemed to drift from the actual method.

 

But overall I agree, this hyper-parenting is getting out of hand. I give my daughter a couple of choices of activities to be involved in - whatever strikes her fancy at the moment (dance? karate? Girl Scouts?). She is told whatever she chooses to do she will have to stick with through the end of the session, and she can choose to go further or stop at that point. She has experienced a lot of different activities, but has not found one she wants to stay with long term. Should I make her take piano lessons whether she likes them or not? Should I make her play soccer whether she likes it or not? No, that doesn't jive with me, and she's almost 10 years old. I cannot imagine being a 4 or 5 years old and not being able to say no to all that.

[Clep]

THIS.

 

@Clep, I was a Montessori child, and I think it's fine if they go to Montessori at 2 years old, provided the program follows the actual Montessori method. I had to move to public school at 2nd grade and it was a very difficult adjustment for several reasons, but I truly think the Montessori method is the best out there. I wish I was able to send my own daughter there, since I think she would greatly benefit from the teaching style, but was hesitant because the school I attended seemed to drift from the actual method.

 

But overall I agree, this hyper-parenting is getting out of hand.

 

I used to see that child stressed all the time. We have education daily for twelve years without university. Sending a child to Montessori at 2 is ridiculous imo. What is the point?

 

Yes, it is getting out of hand. Nice to see a parent engaging their child on a child's level.

[threebyfate]

There are elements of feeling threatened in this thread.

 

Some questions to ask are:

• Am I or have I been a good parent?
  
• Why do my children need more than I had, after all, I'm okay aren't I?
  
• Am I being a competitive parent where if the Smiths have done more, since I can't afford the money and/or time to do the same, I need to judge their actions as detrimental?
  

[Dooda]

There are elements of feeling threatened in this thread.

 

Some questions to ask are:

• Am I or have I been a good parent?
  
• Why do my children need more than I had, after all, I'm okay aren't I?
  
• Am I being a competitive parent where if the Smiths have done more, since I can't afford the money and/or time to do the same, I need to judge their actions as detrimental?
  

 

I doubt that candymoon is being a 'competitive parent'.

He was just asking whether or not certain parents' hyper attentiveness towards their children can be detrimental to the child's mental health and stability. And, in all honesty, I think it is.

Some parents, as candymoon stated, think that money=I care for my child, which is total bull****.

My parents paid 10s of thousands of dollars to send me to military school to 'fix me up', but all it did was make me more of a self-destructing and angry person. The best it has taught me is that life is hard and some parents are just downright awful at making what they believe to be good parenting decisions.

Over stressing your kid either mentally, physically, emotionally (on any level) is just wrong.

[threebyfate]

I doubt that candymoon is being a 'competitive parent'.

He was just asking whether or not certain parents' hyper attentiveness towards their children can be detrimental to the child's mental health and stability. And, in all honesty, I think it is.

Some parents, as candymoon stated, think that money=I care for my child, which is total bull****.

My parents paid 10s of thousands of dollars to send me to military school to 'fix me up', but all it did was make me more of a self-destructing and angry person. The best it has taught me is that life is hard and some parents are just downright awful at making what they believe to be good parenting decisions.

Over stressing your kid either mentally, physically, emotionally (on any level) is just wrong.

You are one kind of child. There are many others. Some do well with a lot of stimulation, others don't do so well.

 

It's assumptive to state that because of what you went through, it's a bad thing for everyone.

 

It's also assumptive to state that hyperparenting is bad for all or even most children. There are more factors at work than stimulation when it comes to parenting. Supportive parents who encourage their children to excel are awesome, as long as their children are the type who can handle a lot of stimulation.

 

Understand?

[threebyfate]

 

 

Some questions to ask are:

1. Am I or have I been a good parent?
   
2. Why do my children need more than I had, after all, I'm okay aren't I?
   
3. Am I being a competitive parent where if the Smiths have done more, since I can't afford the money and/or time to do the same, I need to judge their actions as detrimental?
   

Another question to add to this list is:

 

Am I afraid that my children will get left behind?

[candymoon]

There are elements of feeling threatened in this thread.

 

Some questions to ask are:

• Am I or have I been a good parent?
  
• Why do my children need more than I had, after all, I'm okay aren't I?
  
• Am I being a competitive parent where if the Smiths have done more, since I can't afford the money and/or time to do the same, I need to judge their actions as detrimental?
  

 

Dooda is actually right, tbf... and while we're at it I CAN afford to send my kids to these things... I choose not to.

 

My kid does need more than I had, which is what I'm providing her and will always provide as long as she is dependent on me, though I am not going to do that at the cost of her sanity, or mine or her dad's at such a breakneck schedule. What if someone has a second or a 3rd child? Who can keep up with 2 or 3 activities/events for 2 or more children per day and still work full time? That's insanity in itself. At that point maybe the nannies, au pairs, teachers, and instructors are raising them.

 

With such a schedules to juggle for years straight, a marriage could suffer from lack of attention being that all attention is going elsewhere. When they are gone 20 years later...massive empty nest syndrome maybe? Perhaps divorce as there might not be anything left in common (which is the case a lot of the time)?

 

Perhaps such schedules are ways to avoid problems & resentments in the adult relationship which might be above and beyond living precariously through one's child.

 

Just thoughts I'm posing... my opinions. No need for judgment. We all know what opinions are like.

[threebyfate]

Dooda is actually right, tbf... and while we're at it I CAN afford to send my kids to these things... I choose not to.

 

My kid does need more than I had, which is what I'm providing her and will always provide as long as she is dependent on me, though I am not going to do that at the cost of her sanity, or mine or her dad's at such a breakneck schedule. What if someone has a second or a 3rd child? Who can keep up with 2 or 3 activities/events for 2 or more children per day and still work full time? That's insanity in itself. At that point maybe the nannies, au pairs, teachers, and instructors are raising them.

 

With such a schedules to juggle for years straight, a marriage could suffer from lack of attention being that all attention is going elsewhere. When they are gone 20 years later...massive empty nest syndrome maybe? Perhaps divorce as there might not be anything left in common (which is the case a lot of the time)?

 

Perhaps such schedules are ways to avoid problems & resentments in the adult relationship which might be above and beyond living precariously through one's child.

 

Just thoughts I'm posing... my opinions. No need for judgment. We all know what opinions are like.

And you've stated your position in a nutshell. It's for what you believe to be the sanity of the family unit, which includes self-interest, that in some way, you feel threatened by the number of activities this child is experiencing.

 

I really feel it's a per child issue. Parenting isn't cookie cutter. As an example, a friend has two children. Her first one she had in too many activities to suit her personality type so now, as a teenager, she's using passive-aggressiveness to offset control and pressure. Her second child is dying for stimulation and doesn't feel the amount of activities she's in, is sufficient to keep her stimulated, even though it's the same amount as the first child. The second child is scary bright, laps up challenge and is also, physically active. The first child is average and has always preferred the aspects of socialization over challenge.

 

Differences.

[candymoon]

I doubt that candymoon is being a 'competitive parent'.

He was just asking whether or not certain parents' hyper attentiveness towards their children can be detrimental to the child's mental health and stability. And, in all honesty, I think it is.

Some parents, as candymoon stated, think that money=I care for my child, which is total bull****.

My parents paid 10s of thousands of dollars to send me to military school to 'fix me up', but all it did was make me more of a self-destructing and angry person. The best it has taught me is that life is hard and some parents are just downright awful at making what they believe to be good parenting decisions.

Over stressing your kid either mentally, physically, emotionally (on any level) is just wrong.

 

Thanks Dooda. You get my point.

 

As a matter of fact, my own parents were of the "money = I care" camp. So I get it from the kid's perspective! No my parents did not send me to camps and such during summer, but there was a 'must succeed' attitude with everything. And not JUST succeed, but to excel three-fold.

 

That lifestyle--so much pressure to succeed! I thought I was bad, with stressing over every single play in a game, scrambling over every point on a test score... there were kids who were total basketcases, like crying in the bathrooms because they got a 98 on a test...it wasnt 100, whose parents were earlier versions of these "hyper-parents".

 

These are the parents I'm talking about (extremists)--I mean, is it really important that a 5-year-old know how to count change by the time she starts 1st grade? Most can't even count to 100 at that age!

 

Perhaps hyper-parenting creates not only anxious people, but driven individuals who strive to succeed at all costs, with no thought to much of the human element of things. Success = money. A zillion classes does not equal the warmth and comfort and self esteem caused by a mother's hug and kiss before bed. Or a dad's sitting down and reading to his child for storytime. Those things build true character and self-esteem, even after career burnout has set in 30 years later.

 

IMHO, *some* of these parents are not in-tune with their kids at all.

[candymoon]

And you've stated your position in a nutshell. It's for what you believe to be the sanity of the family unit, which includes self-interest, that in some way, you feel threatened by the number of activities this child is experiencing.

 

LOL. Threatened? How on earth could I feel threatened by the number of activities a child is doing? I'm certainly curious about this phenomenon in general and perhaps even concerned for a sweet handicapped girl and others like her.

 

This family is just a recent example I have. It could have been any. Maybe it is you who feels threatened here?

[threebyfate]

LOL. Threatened? How on earth could I feel threatened by the number of activities a child is doing? I'm certainly curious about this phenomenon in general and perhaps even concerned for a sweet handicapped girl and others like her.

 

This family is just a recent example I have. It could have been any. Maybe it is you who feels threatened here?

Interesting how you highlighted this portion but neglected to respond to the balance of my post.

 

Anyways, I wish the best for the little girl. If she's blooming with these activities, then she's going to have some advantages in life. If these activities are too much for her, then I hope her parent(s) cut back so she's not feeling overpressured. The child's welfare is tantamount.