Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 My ex broke up with me a month ago. I get an email this morning from her. In the email she is asking me to forgive her so she can move on with her life. Also in the same email she is telling me all the things I've done wrong. She ends the email with I am excited to see what the future holds for the both of us. What should I make of this email? I am getting mixed signals from this email. Should I even bother to respond?
whatadeer26 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Forgive her!!! F that. Don't respond. I can't believe she would write for forgiveness and include what you did wrong. Personally, I would just delete it and forget she even sent it. It is selfish and immature of her to ask this of you. Stick with NC. 1
Nappeal Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 She's contacted you only to relieve her own guilt, not for any other reason. Nothing good would happen for you if you respond, so don't.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 I know every situation is different but do emails like these suggest she wants me back in her life? By me responding it would show I care, right?
Buccaneer55 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Forgive her!!! F that. Don't respond. I can't believe she would write for forgiveness and include what you did wrong. Personally, I would just delete it and forget she even sent it. It is selfish and immature of her to ask this of you. Stick with NC. I have to agree with this. She only wants your forgiveness so that she can feel better about this decision, it's not because she cares. By pointing out all the "wrong" you did she's still trying to justify to you why it's over. I wouldn't give her the slightest satisfaction of a response to that e-mail. Delete it, and start to move on. I don't think you should contact her at all.
Buccaneer55 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I know every situation is different but do emails like these suggest she wants me back in her life? By me responding it would show I care, right? The future that she's excited about is by you both moving on. It appears she doesn't see any hint of a relationship between you two. She may want you in her life as a friend, but is that what you want? If you still want to be in a relationship, and you respond and she doesn't you're just going to fall back to step 1 and start all over.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 If would like to elaborate a little. The reason we broke up was because I didn't propose to her. She brought that up in the email.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 The future that she's excited about is by you both moving on. It appears she doesn't see any hint of a relationship between you two. She may want you in her life as a friend, but is that what you want? If you still want to be in a relationship, and you respond and she doesn't you're just going to fall back to step 1 and start all over. I am 50/50 about going back. We were together for over 6 years. She broke with me according to the email because I never proposed to her. I think that shows something. What, I do not know. I really appreciate the advice guys, Thank You!
LostInTurn Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 She left you. She may have emailed you, but that doesn't matter. Who went NC? Maybe she wonders why you haven't contacted her. I don't know what she is thinking. However, my ex supposedly wanted all the things I wanted and look where that got me. So, no. Don't email her. You cannot worry about whether or not it seems like you care. That's not right. Did she care when she left you and hurt you? Where the h*ll was she? And now, one month later she contacts you? Not ok.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 She left you. She may have emailed you, but that doesn't matter. Who went NC? Maybe she wonders why you haven't contacted her. I don't know what she is thinking. However, my ex supposedly wanted all the things I wanted and look where that got me. So, no. Don't email her. You cannot worry about whether or not it seems like you care. That's not right. Did she care when she left you and hurt you? Where the h*ll was she? And now, one month later she contacts you? Not ok. I started the no contact. She contacted me exactly 30 days later. Last time we saw each other to exchange belongings she was very flirty ( touching me, leaning on me, calling me honey, etc...) Last thing she said was we need time apart. I told her I loved her and still wanted to marry and she responded with we need time apart. I was doing very well with the break up recently and then the email hits and I am back to step 1.
Buccaneer55 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I am 50/50 about going back. We were together for over 6 years. She broke with me according to the email because I never proposed to her. I think that shows something. What, I do not know. I really appreciate the advice guys, Thank You! I feel your pain, my relationship that just recently ended was almost 6 years as well. I'm not gonna lie, I have very weak moments and I've given in to them and contacted her. It hasn't helped me at all, and I wish that I hadn't. She wants me to still be her friend, but is there no way I can handle that after a 6 year relationship especially if she starts dating someone else. I have slowly come to terms that were not getting back together anytime soon, and what we really need is time apart so that I can heal and move on, or so we can both make changes to have a better relationship if it were to present itself again. If you're only 50/50 on the idea I'd recommend not talking until you can decide either way what you want.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I want to ask a couple of questions, if that is ok? I just want a little clarity on a few aspects prior to my 2 cents (for what it's worth) Did she mention wanting to marry at times during the relationship or was this the first "confession" that she had been waiting for a ring? Is she 30+ and starting to think of her biological clock and you know she sees her life with eventual marriage/children? Do you have a basic tenant against marriage and/or know she is not "it" and want to still what is out there?
Don Ho Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 No don't contact. It was all about her. It' not like she said "I miss you & made a mistake". Continue NC bro.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 I want to ask a couple of questions, if that is ok? I just want a little clarity on a few aspects prior to my 2 cents (for what it's worth) Did she mention wanting to marry at times during the relationship or was this the first "confession" that she had been waiting for a ring? Is she 30+ and starting to think of her biological clock and you know she sees her life with eventual marriage/children? Do you have a basic tenant against marriage and/or know she is not "it" and want to still what is out there? She is 27, we talked about marriage seriously for the past 2 years. Prior to this happening I thought she was the one and wanted to marry her. We also talked about "our" future kids all the time.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 First off I want to say that I don't find all this "dumper bad/you good" stuff all that helpful. I think most of us on either side of the fence know it just isn't all that easy to have a relationship end. So, I'm gathering you are not yet sure if she is the "one" and hence have not proposed. I can see how that would eventually, after 6 yrs, become painful to a girl who has her heart set on marriage/family. That doesn't mean she is mean and more than likely means she was ready to marry and was protecting herself from resentment due to hurt/frustration. There are many reasons people end it. My guess is it is also painful for her and she still has a great deal of love for you. I also think she is giving, what can be construed as an ultimatum. This happens a great deal on both sides of Men/Women either due to "marry me" or "baby me" it is a clash of what each person wants in life and if they want to compromise/wait any longer to obtain it. It is no more wrong of her to want a marriage in the works after 6 yrs than it is for you to be smart and say "whoa nelly, I have my doubts" So really it's your ball and I caution you. If you KNOW she is not going to get that ring, you need to be honest and tell her that. It's going to hurt her. If you are on the fence (it sounds a bit like that) you may want to ask her if she can wait, but you are willing to get counselling to figure "stuff out" Stuff being: do you have intimacy/commitment issues or is she really "not her" I will gather that she will not just wait whilst you 'think a bit' but will only agree to waiting apart if you have a visible commitment to come to a decision. I'm not sure at this juncture it really sounds to me (heretic I am) that NC is the solution and there is more to "say" Now, if she is "not her" go NC for her sake, it's super painful to hear that in life when you love someone and had high hopes. My 25 cents
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 One last thing. Thinking about and proposing are two very different things. I've seen men and women "think about" this for over a decade and then leave. Though we live in a so-called modern feminist world, it is still really hard for women to be direct about "ring now or beat it" and they can do all sorts of mixed message things to try and avoid brow beating someone into a proposal. This is, as I'm sure you can guess, sort of ruining it all for life if one has to get to that point for a proposal. That is what I meant by "avoiding resentment" most girls have a vision of "that moment" all their lives and it doesn't include "ring or beat it" in the narrative
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 First off I want to say that I don't find all this "dumper bad/you good" stuff all that helpful. I think most of us on either side of the fence know it just isn't all that easy to have a relationship end. So, I'm gathering you are not yet sure if she is the "one" and hence have not proposed. I can see how that would eventually, after 6 yrs, become painful to a girl who has her heart set on marriage/family. That doesn't mean she is mean and more than likely means she was ready to marry and was protecting herself from resentment due to hurt/frustration. There are many reasons people end it. My guess is it is also painful for her and she still has a great deal of love for you. I also think she is giving, what can be construed as an ultimatum. This happens a great deal on both sides of Men/Women either due to "marry me" or "baby me" it is a clash of what each person wants in life and if they want to compromise/wait any longer to obtain it. It is no more wrong of her to want a marriage in the works after 6 yrs than it is for you to be smart and say "whoa nelly, I have my doubts" So really it's your ball and I caution you. If you KNOW she is not going to get that ring, you need to be honest and tell her that. It's going to hurt her. If you are on the fence (it sounds a bit like that) you may want to ask her if she can wait, but you are willing to get counselling to figure "stuff out" Stuff being: do you have intimacy/commitment issues or is she really "not her" I will gather that she will not just wait whilst you 'think a bit' but will only agree to waiting apart if you have a visible commitment to come to a decision. I'm not sure at this juncture it really sounds to me (heretic I am) that NC is the solution and there is more to "say" Now, if she is "not her" go NC for her sake, it's super painful to hear that in life when you love someone and had high hopes. My 25 cents The break up came out of nowhere and really took me by surprise. I told her I still want to marry her. She was the "one" and I was really devastated for a while. Less than a week prior to the breakup she was talking about me buying an engagement ring. I told her its coming soon just have to take care of a few things first. So overall its been pretty tough on me losing that special person I shared so many good times and memories with.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 So did she not believe you were going to propose or were stringing her along? If you had intended to buy ring and she knew that, then what was her issue in the email regarding proposals?
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 So did she not believe you were going to propose or were stringing her along? If you had intended to buy ring and she knew that, then what was her issue in the email regarding proposals? She said she was upset that I never proposed over the course of the relationship. Thats really her only legitimate beef with me.
LostInTurn Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I don't know how long the 'proposal' talk was happening, but I can tell you this... Sometimes, when someone asks you something enough they start to lose faith. An example of that would be a life decision and someone either prolonged it happening, said it would happen at a certain time and pushed the time frame back, etc. This can be detrimental in a relationship. I can tell you from experience it was in mine. I just started to not believe anything my ex had said because of the one situation he kept telling me he was ready, would happen, give it time, etc. My point is, I can sit here and tell you to go out, buy a ring and show up at her door tomorrow, but honestly is that the right thing to do? No. My ex broke a lot of my confidence in him along the way which led us to where we are today. Whether or not you were actually going to propose one day or not is irrelevant at this point. What is relevant is everything going forward. One thing that I don't like is how she wrote you asking for forgiveness and blamed you for things. She should be apologizing. If you were in any way 'mean' to her, quite honestly, I don't care. She broke up with you. You had the right to react. It's called emotions when your life is turned upside down. The people that leave us need to start realizing this BS and understand that. You were hurt and devastated. You're not in the wrong. Ultimately, this is your life decision. Once people start talking about taking the next step in relationships, things get tricky. I can attest to that. You need to think about it she is the 'one' for you. Why didn't she stay by your side and know that it would happen? Did you give her that much doubt? You may have had all these wonderful memories with her, but what about now. Are you going to be able to trust that she won't just leave you again down the road when? She should buy you a ring and ask you to marry her.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I don't know how long the 'proposal' talk was happening, but I can tell you this... Sometimes, when someone asks you something enough they start to lose faith. An example of that would be a life decision and someone either prolonged it happening, said it would happen at a certain time and pushed the time frame back, etc. This can be detrimental in a relationship. I can tell you from experience it was in mine. I just started to not believe anything my ex had said because of the one situation he kept telling me he was ready, would happen, give it time, etc. My point is, I can sit here and tell you to go out, buy a ring and show up at her door tomorrow, but honestly is that the right thing to do? No. My ex broke a lot of my confidence in him along the way which led us to where we are today. Whether or not you were actually going to propose one day or not is irrelevant at this point. What is relevant is everything going forward. One thing that I don't like is how she wrote you asking for forgiveness and blamed you for things. She should be apologizing. If you were in any way 'mean' to her, quite honestly, I don't care. She broke up with you. You had the right to react. It's called emotions when your life is turned upside down. The people that leave us need to start realizing this BS and understand that. You were hurt and devastated. You're not in the wrong. Ultimately, this is your life decision. Once people start talking about taking the next step in relationships, things get tricky. I can attest to that. You need to think about it she is the 'one' for you. Why didn't she stay by your side and know that it would happen? Did you give her that much doubt? You may have had all these wonderful memories with her, but what about now. Are you going to be able to trust that she won't just leave you again down the road when? She should buy you a ring and ask you to marry her. She is going to have to rebuild my trust. Like I said earlier she said in the email she was looking for closure. The things she wrote I got mixed signals. She was excited to see what the future holds for the both of us. If I am not in her future how would she know? Other's have commented that it means best of luck you go your way, ill go my way.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I just think it sounds like neither of you are particularly clear on what happened and why. I sense hurt on both sides, prob bad behavior too. I usually advocate NC if either party cannot deal with the other without risking serious further injury emotionally. Another possible way to answer this email is: Look, I'm still pretty hurt by the breakup and don't want either of us to say stuff to further blame or injure one another. I think it is too soon to discuss this now, but would like to revisit that possibility in another month when we both have had a bit of time to reflect upon what led us to this point. Or stay NC and accept it's over.
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Do you think waiting a few days to reply or call is a bad thing?
PrettyPoppy Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I think it's smart and prob a good idea to wait- but honestly, don't wait too long if you want to respond at all. The thing about hurt, I've discovered in myself, is there are all sorts of yucky things I do to cover it up with defenses. This is not conducive to clarity. It hurts anyone to reach out to someone after being cut off, she just risked that and personally, from what you have said I'm not hearing a philanderer or a substance abuser, so my guess is she is feeling her feelings quite a bit right about now. Something I've used in the past is this: I use this 5 things system. I have to narrow down to 5 things I need to say/explain/ask for/apologize for. Only 5 total. It can be hard to do when big things are in the brew, but then you avoid ranting or reacting. Also keep in mind "is this what I can live with as the last communication?" and get feedback prior to "send" key. Good Luck!
Author Pbr1986 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 First off I want to say that I don't find all this "dumper bad/you good" stuff all that helpful. I think most of us on either side of the fence know it just isn't all that easy to have a relationship end. So, I'm gathering you are not yet sure if she is the "one" and hence have not proposed. I can see how that would eventually, after 6 yrs, become painful to a girl who has her heart set on marriage/family. That doesn't mean she is mean and more than likely means she was ready to marry and was protecting herself from resentment due to hurt/frustration. There are many reasons people end it. My guess is it is also painful for her and she still has a great deal of love for you. I also think she is giving, what can be construed as an ultimatum. This happens a great deal on both sides of Men/Women either due to "marry me" or "baby me" it is a clash of what each person wants in life and if they want to compromise/wait any longer to obtain it. It is no more wrong of her to want a marriage in the works after 6 yrs than it is for you to be smart and say "whoa nelly, I have my doubts" So really it's your ball and I caution you. If you KNOW she is not going to get that ring, you need to be honest and tell her that. It's going to hurt her. If you are on the fence (it sounds a bit like that) you may want to ask her if she can wait, but you are willing to get counselling to figure "stuff out" Stuff being: do you have intimacy/commitment issues or is she really "not her" I will gather that she will not just wait whilst you 'think a bit' but will only agree to waiting apart if you have a visible commitment to come to a decision. I'm not sure at this juncture it really sounds to me (heretic I am) that NC is the solution and there is more to "say" Now, if she is "not her" go NC for her sake, it's super painful to hear that in life when you love someone and had high hopes. My 25 cents I was 100% committed to getting her the ring. I explained to her there was a few things that I had to take care of before I got her the ring. If she never broke up with me she'd have the ring by now.
Recommended Posts