To reconcile, is MC &/or IC necessary?

[Snowflower]

The only problem with this is that one of the most common "elements" in these situations is the devolution of the communication skills and a LACK of willingness to use them in the scope of their marriage.

 

It's kind of hallmark for most WS's that the communication is shut down.

 

And it typically doesn't resume on d-day. It resumes later, after the withdrawl and grieving of the loss of the affair relationship occurs.

 

By that time, the marriage and/or spouse is so damaged that there's no way that recovery can occur on it's own.

 

I personally think that in the vast majority of cases where recovery does occur (true recovery, not the head-burying kind), it's because there's a neutral third party who can help restore and facilitate the communication earlier after d-day.

 

I believe that our MC was critical in the success of our reconciliation, for this very reason.

 

I think the situation you described, Owl, is the most common scenario after d-day (at least from what I have read on LS ).

 

The WS has generally mishandled the situation so badly in the aftermath that MC/IC is absolutely necessary.

 

I agree with you Owl, within your own specific context. However, there are as many other scenerios, as there are affairs. IF.... the WS ends the affair (complete NC)and confesses (telling the BS everything) , and shows true remorse (not just guilt), doesn't this show the willingness to communicate? IMHO, true confession is the key to reconciliation, and this can be accomplished with or without counselling.

 

This was closer to my situation. We did start communicating immediately after his confession and then even more so once we reconciled.

 

It was about 6 weeks before we started MC and my H and I realized we had already done a lot of the work on our own by that point. MC almost seemed "elementary" in some aspects because we were ahead of the curve in some ways.

 

 

Good question.

 

And I would THINK that confessing on one's own and showing true remorse might mitigate the need for counseling.

 

But in all honesty I think there's still often a huge need to minimize...to not tell the complete truth...in order to "keep from hurting my BS further".

 

You could well be right...but I still feel that (at least in the vast majority of cases) most times MC (and often IC) is key to FULLY recovering, rather than just compromising and not healing the marriage. It's not the only factor...but a big one.

 

All good points. I would still recommend counseling after any case of infidelity. I can't imagine trying to do all the work without some guidance from a trained professional.

 

I've known some people who have gone at it on their own and worked on their marriage with the help of reading recovery books. It's not my place to judge whether they are successful or not, but reconciliation is so difficult and so emotionally charged that I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be without someone (the MC) at least there to guide the process.

 

However, I don't agree with the premise that a couple who doesn't get MC/IC is just sticking their heads in the sand regarding the affair. Their are many ways to reconcile and heal and since everyone is different, different approaches are needed.

[Owl]

IME...our MC was awesome. He insisted that there be no minimization and open communication on BOTH sides.

 

When she was talking...she had to be completely open and honest. AND...I had to sit, truly listen, and remain respectful no matter how much it hurt.

 

When it was my turn, the same rules applied.

 

He basically tried to help my wife WHY I needed the details...WHY I would ask the same questions over and over, and phrase them differently. (Basically, in order to forgive I needed to know exactly what I was forgiving...and I needed to TRUST those answers as truth after the deception).

 

My wife absolutely tried to minimize "to keep from hurting (Owl) more". It's a pretty standard reaction...no one likes to have to be that open about this kind of betrayal. Looking back, I don't blame her for that...now I know it's "SOP" for WS's. It's in the manual somewhere.

 

But that's also why I think that true open and honest communication is very often almost impossible right after d-day. The hurt on both sides is so strong that that kind of openness is extremely painful...and you need someone to help both sides work through that pain without inflicting more hurt.

[Owl]

However, I don't agree with the premise that a couple who doesn't get MC/IC is just sticking their heads in the sand regarding the affair. Their are many ways to reconcile and heal and since everyone is different, different approaches are needed.

 

I'll agree with you that it CAN be done.

 

But I'd still state that not using MC is going to lessen the odds of SUCCESSFULLY reconciling.

[JustJoe]

IME...our MC was awesome. He insisted that there be no minimization and open communication on BOTH sides.

 

When she was talking...she had to be completely open and honest. AND...I had to sit, truly listen, and remain respectful no matter how much it hurt.

 

When it was my turn, the same rules applied.

 

He basically tried to help my wife WHY I needed the details...WHY I would ask the same questions over and over, and phrase them differently. (Basically, in order to forgive I needed to know exactly what I was forgiving...and I needed to TRUST those answers as truth after the deception).

 

My wife absolutely tried to minimize "to keep from hurting (Owl) more". It's a pretty standard reaction...no one likes to have to be that open about this kind of betrayal. Looking back, I don't blame her for that...now I know it's "SOP" for WS's. It's in the manual somewhere.

 

But that's also why I think that true open and honest communication is very often almost impossible right after d-day. The hurt on both sides is so strong that that kind of openness is extremely painful...and you need someone to help both sides work through that pain without inflicting more hurt.

This must have been incredibly painful for you,OWL. As the former OM, I sometimes don't give full attention to the BS'S issues.

[Hazyhead]

Thank you Owl, that makes total sense. Hopefully then, it's the part that APs do not see, as in order for there to be true healing, they must be out of the picture. That, I respect and hope happens for all.

 

IME...our MC was awesome. He insisted that there be no minimization and open communication on BOTH sides.

 

When she was talking...she had to be completely open and honest. AND...I had to sit, truly listen, and remain respectful no matter how much it hurt.

 

When it was my turn, the same rules applied.

 

He basically tried to help my wife WHY I needed the details...WHY I would ask the same questions over and over, and phrase them differently. (Basically, in order to forgive I needed to know exactly what I was forgiving...and I needed to TRUST those answers as truth after the deception).

 

My wife absolutely tried to minimize "to keep from hurting (Owl) more". It's a pretty standard reaction...no one likes to have to be that open about this kind of betrayal. Looking back, I don't blame her for that...now I know it's "SOP" for WS's. It's in the manual somewhere.

 

But that's also why I think that true open and honest communication is very often almost impossible right after d-day. The hurt on both sides is so strong that that kind of openness is extremely painful...and you need someone to help both sides work through that pain without inflicting more hurt.

[Snowflower]

I'll agree with you that it CAN be done.

 

But I'd still state that not using MC is going to lessen the odds of SUCCESSFULLY reconciling.

 

Oh yeah, I agree 100%. I've heard of couples who don't don't use MC and try to suffer through on their own and then end up divorcing after a couple of years.

 

IME, couples who don't use MC aren't necessarily sticking their heads in the sand, it's just that they don't realize the enormity of what happened. I think very few reconciling couples just sweep the A under the rug. I hate that assumption. They might not know what to do but they aren't ignoring what happened either.

 

My H and I wanted to do it the right way...we both knew what he had done was HUGE and that it was too much to handle on our own.

[Owl]

This must have been incredibly painful for you,OWL. As the former OM, I sometimes don't give full attention to the BS'S issues.

 

It was. Also try to imagine nursing my wife through her broken heart/withdrawl after the end of the affair. I knew that once she got through that, we'd be able to take stock and see where our marriage was going to go...and I knew that the years prior showed me that it could be worth it to do so.

 

I knew that we had to get through the pain, get the communication and trust restored on both sides if we were to have a chance to stay together.

 

I can tell you that I've suffered PTSD twice in my life. The first was as a result of my military career/deployment. The second was as a result of my wife's EA. They were equally bad...the only difference was that I knew the symptoms the second time around.

 

Not blaming YOU by any means, JustJoe. Just stating that you're right...going through this is typically the most devestating thing that many people ever go through.

 

And I respect everyone's ability to talk about this kind of stuff on this site without trying to tear each other's heads off.

[JustJoe]

Owl, I'm with you about the PTSD. I was diagnosed after my last deployment/ wounding and was a major factor in my resigning my commission. While my affair has turned out well (my WW/AP and I are living together) had her H been as devastated as you were, IDK what I would have done, about the guilt. I had come to LS to learn the other (BS) side of the A equation, and am a better person for it. My respects.

[Dexter Morgan]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC?

 

 

nah, counseling is a load of crap.

 

reconciliation will mainly depend on the one doing the f#####g outside the marriage to stop. The rest can be taken care of with a frying pan;)