To reconcile, is MC &/or IC necessary?

[September]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

[pureinheart]

In this case I think MC or IC councelling helps work through deep rooted issues and teaches communication, proper communication that is that breaks down barriers.

 

Counselors are trained to see things in us that we can't, explain them in ways that are workable and make sense. They give us a tool box with various tools catering to specific needs.

 

I think it's a good idea, although any type of growing and learning works too, and is better than nothing:)

[jennie-jennie]

If your affair was a so called split self affair, IC is necessary for both spouses if reconciliation is to be successful.

 

Split self affairs are long term affairs with a deep level of emotional connection. Like yours?

[desertIslandCactus]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

 

I've never been to counseling, and never will.

 

The first time my H left, we did bury our heads in the sand upon his return. He left with another AP a few years later.

 

I believe there must be complete repentance on the part of the AP, and forgiveness on the part of the BS - and the BS to know their part in the A.

 

September, People on LS don't want to hear this: But I believe my M would have not ended had it had God in it (for both of us - or at least myself).

[OWoman]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

 

It would depend on whether or not they wanted a happy M, or a M at any cost. Some people are happy to sweep things under the carpet so long as no terrible upheaval followed.

[bentnotbroken]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

 

 

Your question seems to imply that it is an either or deal. It's not. Though some don't necessarily do counseling for whatever reasons(trusting an outsider, embarrassment or finances)doesn't mean that they ignore their issues or don't do the work to correct the issues.

 

There are numerous books( Love Dare, Love Must Be Tough, Not Just Friends), websites(Marriage Builders) and prayer. Making a decision to face facts, work on issues and change patterns isn't impossible without counseling, just maybe a little harder.

[bentnotbroken]

I've never been to counseling, and never will.

 

The first time my H left, we did bury our heads in the sand upon his return. He left with another AP a few years later.

 

I believe there must be complete repentance on the part of the AP, and forgiveness on the part of the BS - and the BS to know their part in the A.

 

September, People on LS don't want to hear this: But I believe my M would have not ended had it had God in it (for both of us - or at least myself).

 

 

I agree with you 100%. But I am curious what you think the BS part was in the A?

[JustJoe]

MC and IC aren't always necessary to reconcile, if both of you have the communication skills and the willingness to use those skills to evaluate all aspects of the M and A to discover thr reasons behind the A and the maturity to change (for the better) the marriage, to prevent re-occurance, to the satisfaction of both parties. And all in one sentence, too!

[September]

Thanks for your responses. In my situation, I have NO idea if he or they are doing MC or IC. I know that he used to say that he would never go to an MC if it was required. He is more the sweep it under the mat/bury your head in the sand type of person.

 

The reason I asked this question I suppose, is because reading a lot of threads, it appears to me that a lot of people or one party don't want to have counselling. I figure if you want to really make your relationship work, it can help - as long as you find the right person.

 

Personally, I had IC for a few months and found it very helpful (along with AD's!)

[herenow]

Thanks for your responses. In my situation, I have NO idea if he or they are doing MC or IC. I know that he used to say that he would never go to an MC if it was required. He is more the sweep it under the mat/bury your head in the sand type of person.

 

Avoiding issues with is wife and/or marriage may have been why he had an affair in the first place.

[September]

Avoiding issues with is wife and/or marriage may have been why he had an affair in the first place.

 

That's a BIG "yep" from me!

[crazycatlady]

I don't think it is required for recovery in all cases, I think its helpful in most though, and without it is very difficult to recover in a lot of them.

 

I don't believe in absolutes when it comes to dealing with people and their emotions and the situations people find themselves in. All are unique and different. I know in our case it was not needed. And we aren't burying our heads in the sand. But for most people, yeah its needed.

 

CCL

[seren]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

 

I don't think MC or IC is a must, but, to think anyone can resolve any problem without addressing why it happened is futile. me and H didn't have MC, but we dug up the whole dammed beach to resolve what had gone wrong in our marriage and then looked at why he had the A. I own my part in the marriage, NOT the A, totally separate. Burying your head in the sand doesn't work, at some point you'd have to come up for air and the problem would still be there. If you and MM are still seeing each other, then all the MC or IC in the world won't help. I cannot see how anyone can pretend an A hadn't happened, that is one massive elephant in a very small room - impossible to avoid.

[September]

If you and MM are still seeing each other, then all the MC or IC in the world won't help. I cannot see how anyone can pretend an A hadn't happened, that is one massive elephant in a very small room - impossible to avoid.

 

No, we don't have any contact as such anymore. I am not sure that he is 100% recommited emotionally to the marriage. He still does odd things to let me know he is around.

[seren]

If MM is purposely contacting you then he isn't committed to reconciling his marriage, so MC would be a waste of time.

[fooled once]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

 

Depends on the couple, depends on the issues, depends on how they choose to deal with those issues.

 

I do believe the person who cheats needs to examine their motives for cheating and not by saying "my spouse is a jerk, they don't talk to me, they don't want to have sex", etc. I think it goes deeper than that. Those are excuses, IMHO.

 

By burying your head in the sand, do you mean the spouse knows and refuses to acknowledge what their partner is doing? To simplify my own response, I am going to use the wife as the BS and the husband as the cheater. Does the wife accept that he cheated once? Does she accept he cheated long term? What did the Husband say was the reason for the cheating? Did he own up to it being more than a ONS? Did he have feelings for the OW and did he admit them to the wife? Lots of questions and I don't think there is a standard "yes they need counseling" or "no, no counseling required" answer.

 

Your question seems to imply that it is an either or deal. It's not. Though some don't necessarily do counseling for whatever reasons(trusting an outsider, embarrassment or finances)doesn't mean that they ignore their issues or don't do the work to correct the issues.

 

There are numerous books( Love Dare, Love Must Be Tough, Not Just Friends), websites(Marriage Builders) and prayer. Making a decision to face facts, work on issues and change patterns isn't impossible without counseling, just maybe a little harder.

 

I agree with Bent.... as usual

[White Flower]

In order for a successful reconciliation, must the couple go to MC or have IC? OR Does burying your head in the sand and pretending an affair didn't happen work?

It can go either way. They can pretend everything is okay and run the risk of falling back into the same behavior or they can do work on their own and have it be very successful.

 

I happen to believe MC is the way to go, especially if a long-term M has never seen good communication. It is very risky to confess everything, and a good MC is neccessary for proper mediation and a safe emotional environment.

 

My MM is in IC and his W thinks it's been helping the M all along while he's been seeing me. I suppose as long as he is home and fulfilling all his duties why would she think it isn't working?

[sadintexas]

It would depend on whether or not they wanted a happy M, or a M at any cost. Some people are happy to sweep things under the carpet so long as no terrible upheaval followed.

 

I agree with this.

[Silly_Girl]

It would depend on whether or not they wanted a happy M, or a M at any cost. Some people are happy to sweep things under the carpet so long as no terrible upheaval followed.

 

To some people the definition of a 'happy marriage' = a confrontation-less marriage. I think those marriages can last, but that's notvthe same thing as them prospering or being happy partnerships. It's about the marriage lasting at all costs.

[White Flower]

To some people the definition of a 'happy marriage' = a confrontation-less marriage. I think those marriages can last, but that's notvthe same thing as them prospering or being happy partnerships. It's about the marriage lasting at all costs.

Yes, the pathology of perfection. I think I'll write a book cause I like the title:cool:.

 

If MM stays with his W I see a future of both of them constantly looking over their shoulders...her snooping on him and him trying to get a moment to escape. This pattern will never end for them, sadly.

[Owl]

MC and IC aren't always necessary to reconcile, if both of you have the communication skills and the willingness to use those skills to evaluate all aspects of the M and A to discover thr reasons behind the A and the maturity to change (for the better) the marriage, to prevent re-occurance, to the satisfaction of both parties. And all in one sentence, too!

 

The only problem with this is that one of the most common "elements" in these situations is the devolution of the communication skills and a LACK of willingness to use them in the scope of their marriage.

 

It's kind of hallmark for most WS's that the communication is shut down.

 

And it typically doesn't resume on d-day. It resumes later, after the withdrawl and grieving of the loss of the affair relationship occurs.

 

By that time, the marriage and/or spouse is so damaged that there's no way that recovery can occur on it's own.

 

I personally think that in the vast majority of cases where recovery does occur (true recovery, not the head-burying kind), it's because there's a neutral third party who can help restore and facilitate the communication earlier after d-day.

 

I believe that our MC was critical in the success of our reconciliation, for this very reason.

[JustJoe]

The only problem with this is that one of the most common "elements" in these situations is the devolution of the communication skills and a LACK of willingness to use them in the scope of their marriage.

 

It's kind of hallmark for most WS's that the communication is shut down.

 

And it typically doesn't resume on d-day. It resumes later, after the withdrawl and grieving of the loss of the affair relationship occurs.

 

By that time, the marriage and/or spouse is so damaged that there's no way that recovery can occur on it's own.

 

I personally think that in the vast majority of cases where recovery does occur (true recovery, not the head-burying kind), it's because there's a neutral third party who can help restore and facilitate the communication earlier after d-day.

 

I believe that our MC was critical in the success of our reconciliation, for this very reason.

I agree with you Owl, within your own specific context. However, there are as many other scenerios, as there are affairs. IF.... the WS ends the affair (complete NC)and confesses (telling the BS everything) , and shows true remorse (not just guilt), doesn't this show the willingness to communicate? IMHO, true confession is the key to reconciliation, and this can be accomplished with or without counselling.

[Owl]

I agree with you Owl, within your own specific context. However, there are as many other scenerios, as there are affairs. IF.... the WS ends the affair (complete NC)and confesses (telling the BS everything) , and shows true remorse (not just guilt), doesn't this show the willingness to communicate? IMHO, true confession is the key to reconciliation, and this can be accomplished with or without counselling.

 

Good question.

 

And I would THINK that confessing on one's own and showing true remorse might mitigate the need for counseling.

 

But in all honesty I think there's still often a huge need to minimize...to not tell the complete truth...in order to "keep from hurting my BS further".

 

You could well be right...but I still feel that (at least in the vast majority of cases) most times MC (and often IC) is key to FULLY recovering, rather than just compromising and not healing the marriage. It's not the only factor...but a big one.

[Hazyhead]

Good question.

 

And I would THINK that confessing on one's own and showing true remorse might mitigate the need for counseling.

 

But in all honesty I think there's still often a huge need to minimize...to not tell the complete truth...in order to "keep from hurting my BS further".

 

You could well be right...but I still feel that (at least in the vast majority of cases) most times MC (and often IC) is key to FULLY recovering, rather than just compromising and not healing the marriage. It's not the only factor...but a big one.

 

 

Owl, in your experience (if it was even necessary), does the MC try to encourage the WS not to minimise details? Your post made me think that knowing my xMM it is highly unlikely that he would ever bare all. And I think that viewing things from the other side of the fence (the many OW left for roadkill), he would not be alone in this.

[JustJoe]

Good question.

 

And I would THINK that confessing on one's own and showing true remorse might mitigate the need for counseling.

 

But in all honesty I think there's still often a huge need to minimize...to not tell the complete truth...in order to "keep from hurting my BS further".

 

You could well be right...but I still feel that (at least in the vast majority of cases) most times MC (and often IC) is key to FULLY recovering, rather than just compromising and not healing the marriage. It's not the only factor...but a big one.

The attempt to minimalize would, to me , be taken as an indication of evasion. But I agree that it is freqently necessary in any dispute for there to be advocacy (IC) and arbitration (MC).