bboy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I have a little issue. My relationship ended after a huge fight about 2 months ago. I tried call her ONCE to settle some exchange of belongings. I sent her once flowers with a card basically saying "we tried, didn't work, but really appreciated the time". No sobbing stuff or so, just a polite exit. The florist called and said she got extremly angry, refused to take them and threw the card away. (!) We had no other contact, texting, calling or whatever so. There are no letters of broken love or cries of agony. It's cold as ice. FB and so is deleted, a friend swapped our stuff out. So everything is clear. One thing is bothering the hell out of me though. The ending was so abrupt and hostile that it feels we are like enemies. I don't want this. I want it to be neutral. I want to feel that no tension is in the air when or if people talk about us. We have friends in common and this ice is getting stupid. Question is - how to bury the hatchett? I know it might not be possible.
PegNosePete Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 You've buried your hatchet. You can't force her to bury hers. Just act normal around your mutual friends and if they are friends at all, they will realize that you don't harbour any grudges, and won't talk badly of you. How they talk of her, is irrelevant.
Author bboy Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 It's not just mutual friends, its our families that know each other too. It already come up some weird accusations and things. Everyone is a bit uncomfortable with this tension - including me.
PegNosePete Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Her family will naturally take her side, and yours will naturally take yours. That's normal. As long as you explain to your family what happened and show that you are calm and not out for blood, that is all you can do.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 keep your nose clean, have witnesses, and be pleasant. Make everything you do, think and say justifiable, and borne out of logic. If she wants to persist in this attitude, let her. In time, people will pick her up on it, and take her to task. You all the while, be relaxed, natural, and let it slide off like water off a duck's back. She's making a rod for her own back, so don't let it worry you. Actually, aren't you glad you're not with someone who can't let go of crap like this? For goodness' sake, isn't this what hurts people, here? Not being able to let go?
Author bboy Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 But this shouldn't turn into family/friends taking sides when there are other strong connections between. That is just crap and a result of unfinished business. I just as many others have a roller coaster ride of emotions. No doubt - I'm not fooling myself and I know what drew me to join LS. I know that getting back together is a bad idea. I probably will be more grateful in the future about this also.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 But this shouldn't turn into family/friends taking sides when there are other strong connections between. That is just crap and a result of unfinished business. Then tell them that. Awkward atmospheres only happen when people fail to address the elephant in the room. Tell them that there is obviously unfinished business, you'd like to address it, she won't, so you're stuck with having to deal with all this crap. It's not your fault. You are perfectly willing to sit and thrash whatever she sees as outstanding, but she won't give you that opportunity. Until she does, there's little you can do to redress the balance. Beer, anyone?
Author bboy Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Mmm, yeah... Done that.. Might have to settle with this..
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Mmm, yeah... Done that.. Might have to settle with this.. I get wanting to not have all the weirdness with extended family and friends. I simply don't want weirdness between my X and I...but: I have to wait for that to occur and so, it seems, will you. So I'll tell you what I have experienced with breakups of my friends. Usually one of the two I like better and hence I tend to distance from the other so I can be of support to my deeper friendship. It is also difficult to be in these situations and one thing I consistently have had to remind my friends when they are "being abandoned/blamed" by the other camp is that friends take things far less seriously than the main parties, but are also transitioning and don't like it much either. Often (and we see this on LS) there is a transitional need to lay blame and get very B&W about things. Eventually, the redistribution happens, the intensity of the two main players begins to wane and all weirdness starts to subside as life gets nicely gray again. Don't put the cart before the horse. For you, the main party, 2 months is a very long time. To outsiders, 2 months is barely any time and they have not been enmeshed in this round the clock. I give it 6 months. In the interim, I strongly recommend you not "fight for turf" via explaining yourself. I have seen that backfire far far too many times in social circles on people. People don't like that sort of thing and really appreciate the party who just goes on with no hoopla. Fair or unfair, that is usually the reaction I've observed. I also, as you know, understand "the freeze" which is really awful. In light of the pain of nothing, make sure you check yourself. You are just at the state where you may feel stronger than you are realistically. There is no rush. Give it 90 days, most 12 step groups give this number BECAUSE it is the time it takes to begin to solidify new habits and perceive yourself in a new light with a bit of hope. So give it 90 days and then you can revisit any solutions you might be hankering to do. Right now I'm calling my ex in early November according to this schema. I may not, but right now, in my compulsive want answers/something head,I am
DustySaltus Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 bboy, she's a runner and you have to let the runners keep running. Eventually, they'll get tired, look around and realize that they are all alone. Read some of my earliest posts here, I went through hell and back. All you can do is begin the healing process for yourself and stick to NC. By the time she comes back again you may be filled with that great equalizer called indifference. I know the shock and pain you are going through all too well. But the truth of the matter is that one day, they just left. Without any regard for anyone else. Traits like that don't go away. Who knows, maybe the person you fell in love with wasn't the person she truly was. That's what I realized....
Author bboy Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I have to wait for that to occur and so, it seems, will you. So I'll tell you what I have experienced with breakups of my friends. Usually one of the two I like better and hence I tend to distance from the other so I can be of support to my deeper friendship. It is also difficult to be in these situations and one thing I consistently have had to remind my friends when they are "being abandoned/blamed" by the other camp is that friends take things far less seriously than the main parties, but are also transitioning and don't like it much either. Often (and we see this on LS) there is a transitional need to lay blame and get very B&W about things. Eventually, the redistribution happens, the intensity of the two main players begins to wane and all weirdness starts to subside as life gets nicely gray again. You're right about this and I think I'm a little bit too keen to fast forward to this position. I'd love to see a situation where both players know that they can pick up the phone any time and say "Hey, I met your uncle and he asked me for something. Do you think it's good if I help him?" and at the same time see that there is point in having any real contact and just leave things be for what they are. Don't put the cart before the horse. For you, the main party, 2 months is a very long time. To outsiders, 2 months is barely any time and they have not been enmeshed in this round the clock. I give it 6 months. In the interim, I strongly recommend you not "fight for turf" via explaining yourself. I have seen that backfire far far too many times in social circles on people. People don't like that sort of thing and really appreciate the party who just goes on with no hoopla. Fair or unfair, that is usually the reaction I've observed. I feel like I should slap myself. This is such a valid point. I'm afraid I still have some spooks inside me that limits my vision of things at this moment. I also, as you know, understand "the freeze" which is really awful. In light of the pain of nothing, make sure you check yourself. You are just at the state where you may feel stronger than you are realistically. There is no rush. Give it 90 days, most 12 step groups give this number BECAUSE it is the time it takes to begin to solidify new habits and perceive yourself in a new light with a bit of hope. So give it 90 days and then you can revisit any solutions you might be hankering to do. Right now I'm calling my ex in early November according to this schema. I may not, but right now, in my compulsive want answers/something head,I am Poppy, I totally agree with you. And what a good idea to mark it in the calender. I will put a little "X" in November too and then I will contemplate then if I should do anything and meanwhile continue on with life as normal. Lets see what November has in storage. Perhaps I'll just shrug and avoid it.
Author bboy Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 bboy, she's a runner and you have to let the runners keep running. Eventually, they'll get tired, look around and realize that they are all alone. Read some of my earliest posts here, I went through hell and back. All you can do is begin the healing process for yourself and stick to NC. By the time she comes back again you may be filled with that great equalizer called indifference. I know the shock and pain you are going through all too well. But the truth of the matter is that one day, they just left. Without any regard for anyone else. Traits like that don't go away. Who knows, maybe the person you fell in love with wasn't the person she truly was. That's what I realized.... Thank you for your concern. I'm well aware of that this is not the person I'm going to build a future with. My main concern is rather that this person caused a mess that I will stumble upon later with a lot of unresolved issues and bad vibes. I don't like bad vibes - I prefer good vibes.
Author bboy Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 You're right about this and I think I'm a little bit too keen to fast forward to this position. I'd love to see a situation where both players know that they can pick up the phone any time and say "Hey, I met your uncle and he asked me for something. Do you think it's good if I help him?" and at the same time see that there is NO point in having any real contact and just leave things be for what they are. Ooopsss... missed a word there..
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