teacher1969 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Where do I begin? I met my wife online, she lived in Canada and I in the US. We flew back and forth and finally were married. We applied for her Visa which took about 1 1/2 or so. On the previous visit we had an argument and she left and stayed with a guy in town (only 1000 people) who I had had her email about her bipolar diagnosis. Anyway, we made up and went to Montreal and got her final interview. Her is the problem. I was chatting with other women online during this time (never meeting them in person) and she was hacking into my accts and reading all my emails, messenger conversations etc. I didnt know it at the time. She moved to the US, within about a week, she got upset and moved in with this guy. Supposedly there is nothing sexual there and I believe that. And like an idiot I put my profile on dating sites and chatted with some women (didnt meet any in person) because I knew she would monitor me by this time no matter what security I tried to put on my computer. So I did it to piss her off which is stupid. Anyway, we had a big fight. I said and grabbed her to try and make her be quiet. I had never done that before in any relationship. I did not hurt her. We have talked but she has been living there for months now and going through therapy. She wanted me to go through therapy. I dont think I had a problem with online chatting but did it mostly out of boredom, and nothing physical happened with anyone. She says it will be a long time before she can ever trust me again. She is gorgeous and been asked out by everyone from her doctor, eye doctor, (unprofessional) guys on plane, you get the picture. She says basically her therapist says leave me but she says she still loves me. I want her back to prove I am a good person. I dont drink, smoke, Im a teacher and coach, and do a lot for my community. We have one big conflict-(well other than this) she has two cats. I am allergic to cats and when she moved in she said the cats needed to adjust (we'd said they would stay in the basement) but they ended up everyone including the table and bed. This I didnt like at all. I had got her a little dog to try to not have cats but she is a huge cat lover and treats them as if they were children. Anyway, I love her and told her I would go to a therapist, and I did, but paying $120 an hour to have someone listen to you and try and help you decide for yourself what you want to do seems assinine. I have fallen into the trap, emailing her too much, she cancelled her text, and seems to have gotten comfortable getting to know the people in the community. She went to this guys class reunion with him and met all the people I used to hang out with, which is not big deal, but it was also without me. We had this long distance relationship for so long we both needed more time to adjust to one another but she is one to run away from a situation. I love her and miss her more and more everyday. I dont chat online, took my profile off all the dating sites. How long do I wait for her to get her issues cleared up and give me another chance? Im 41 she's 30, im not getting any younger. Neither one of us want a divorce I dont think yet i hate her renting a room with another guy at his house especially in a small town. I just avoid the subject with everyone. What the hell should I do? I am trying to be patient. She will call me and then I wont her from her for a week or more. How long should I continue this. Is being in love not enough sometimes? Should I suffer through a broken heart and move on? Or wait and be miserable for how long? I've rambled on but would love any advice from someone who had come from a long distance relationship. She is originally from the Phillipines. Thanks for your responses. Teacher in a small town:love:
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Teacher, Regardless of what she does, why in the world are you acting like this at 41? Even worse, you expect anything to work out in *any* relationship behaving in this fashion? Chatting with women on net: how old are you? *cough* FOURTY ONE!!! This sort of game playing is bad in ones 20's, at your age, totally bizarre. Just when I thought it couldn't get more immature... You put pictures on a dating site. Now you want to know why you have problems. Well for starters, uh be an adult. So, shock, you have a big 'ole dysfunctional game. Now I'm assuming that because you are teacher you are intelligent enough to follow a train of logic. As an attractive female, with friends ranging from late 20's to 40's who are duly attractive I'll strongly advise you to work this lunacy out and grow up. No one is ever going to stay with you as is. No one want's midlife man children. So get some help, lots and fast. You don't make enough money as a teacher for any woman to cope with your nonsense and you are going to be 50 in a blink of an eye.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 (edited) Cathy, I didn't see a standard posted, nor have I seen one in practise amid the posts which seemingly range in tone related to the reader/poster. I am, however, sorry if you felt somehow personally offended. The "tone" of my post is exactly what I would hope anyone would use if I was this out of it in my 40's and duly thinking I didn't need some professional counselling at this juncture. As far as judging this behavior? Why bother marrying or having anything but casual encounters when operating on this level? Why then go to a website and act like a victim? What is beating around the bush going to help him one iota? It's a tad ridiculous for anyone to think a relationship can work with both antics like this and just plain ridiculous rationalizations such as his post contained. Edited August 25, 2010 by PrettyPoppy clarity.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Well obviously you didn't offend me in any way. As I said I do agree with most things you say, and I also agree that teacher1969 needs to get his act together (see my post). I just don't see how not making much as a teacher is relevant for this discussion. His behavior is inexcusable, even if he were a multi billionaire. I completely agree that his finances are not the truly relevant issue. I just wanted to make no bones about it that pretty much any female, of any age group would find this unacceptable in a husband. I was trying to infer that even the gold digger won't bite (who wouldn't care about him, so hence could tolerate it) since he is not in that league financially. I can see how you would find that cheeky, since it was.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 The summary: Keep up the games,the online women etc and you are going to be 50 with no-one to blame but yourself.
Author teacher1969 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Well, I will not stoop to making my profession seem unimportant because we dont get paid a lot. That has little to do with anything. I will take your advice and thank you for your input. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis, I dont know. Well, not much else to say. I'm certainly not as evil as you make me sound but thats okay.
Author teacher1969 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I see you are online solving other people's problems, arent you wasting your time, chatting online, only in a different forum? Just remember when you point your finger at someone you have three pointing back at you. Dont think you need to be so harsh when explaining your thoughts. But anyway, I did see a therapist, I did not discourage her from doing so and she has been, obviously you know nothing about bipolar disorder and trying to be in a relationship with someone that is untreated, or refuses treatment. I have done a lot of positive things for this woman, albeit made mistakes talking to other women, but often about my situation and how they thought I should handle it. Much like this forum. Anyway, I dont want to argue. I do value your input.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 It is irrelevant what you were talking about and I'm not sure I even buy that since most people don't go to dating sites and put up pictures for relationship advice when married and telling single women that they are married and looking for help. Have some respect that most here have a brain. Regarding bipolar, I'm completely educated on this illness. The fact is you knew she had it, married her and moved her to the USA. Many men and women are married to all sorts of challenges: substance abuse/mental illness etc and don't go on dating sites. That is your stuff, own it and figure out why you make those choices if you want a happy life. Oh and lastly, I apologize for the teacher salary reference, I was using it to illustrate a point. Know, some of my best friends are teachers
Author teacher1969 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 I am being civil to you but you seem to try to assume that I am lacking in intelligence. The posting to the dating sites was immature and in spite for the hacking of my accts. The advice was on a chat forum. That point is clarified. Yes putting my profile on dating sites was a stupid thing to do. I highly doubt you have great experience on "Untreated bipolar" I put that in quotes because she was on medication and doing great UNTIL 2 weeks before she moved here, she thought she didnt need medication and stopped taking it , all without telling me of course. If you are very experienced in this you would know that considerable changes took place in a short amount of time and a whole new person arrived. Anyway, I did some stupid things, but I really can figure that out. She called me crying at 2 am two nights ago wanting to go back and if I would drive her. I said I would if that is what she wanted. The next day she calls back and says no she is making my hometown her hometown now. Do you see how quickly things change, you never know what is coming. Sometimes you run out of patience. You were so quick to criticize, maybe by clarifying myself you may get a little more accurate depiction of the situation. Perhaps not. At any rate, I had to reply and am glad you apologized to the profession of teaching and coaching, we are expected to almost be parents these days and we are underpaid but we do it because we care and love our profession. I dont want to argue with you but I would have preferred a more civil reply from an "intelligent" woman. I am not trying to be a jerk, if I come off that way, then maybe I need to work on my writing skills. Have a good one.
straycat99 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Lol Pretty Poppy! AMEN. Some of the stuff on this site is just...really insane. It's entertaining (beats admin work and refreshing facebook) yet pretty disturbing I have to admit.
Author teacher1969 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Glad you are amused! At least something good comes from this stupid forum.
GrayClouds Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I see you are online solving other people's problems, arent you wasting your time, chatting online, only in a different forum? Just remember when you point your finger at someone you have three pointing back at you. Dont think you need to be so harsh when explaining your thoughts. But anyway, I did see a therapist, I did not discourage her from doing so and she has been, obviously you know nothing about bipolar disorder and trying to be in a relationship with someone that is untreated, or refuses treatment. I have done a lot of positive things for this woman, albeit made mistakes talking to other women, but often about my situation and how they thought I should handle it. Much like this forum. Anyway, I dont want to argue. I do value your input. Why would you choose to marry someone bipolar and refuse treatment? I can only guess you thrive on drama but understand drama is not love. Possibly that is something you and yout therapist should discuss. You already fell and married a women you met on line so of course it make you "chatting" even more suspect they someone else.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Teach, I'm not sure if you notice you are not getting the "supportive" responses you may have been desirous of. One of the main reasons is you seemingly cannot give a straight story to save your life, don't take responsibility to correspond with both your marital status and your chronological age and seem to believe you are oddly unique in your victimization. So I'm going to give you a clue: if you want to get support, it helps if you don't have your arsenal of rationalisations at hand, let alone ones that are, well, lame and even better, full of blaming. Next point: it's rather silly to assume what others know about mood disorders, medication etc. When I say I am familiar, I mean it. If she were a geologist, you may be over my area of experience- not with anything having to do with a DSM. It really doesn't matter. What *does matter* is that you seemingly approach this situation as though you were hit by a satellite from Mars. Well guess what, you weren't, you got yourself where you are. So when you are ready to get honest, you may find this place helpful. Until then, not much many can offer.
Recommended Posts