Andrew1984 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Remember this. you are putting this down on paper so that you will remember this battle you fought on this moment in your life. She has just left, for the last time. She came over to pick up her coat, the only tie left to pick up before finality. It was your decision, your choice. You decided that you had to stick with your principals and your moral integrity rather than just give in and take her back. you just held each other for 15 min without saying a word on your back porch over looking the hay fields. it is a warm august evening while the sun is setting. The air is calm and there were no birds singing that you can recall. She came over, not to pick up her coat, but to say goodbye since the decision was made over the phone. you would have gone to see her if she hadn't come to see you first. walking in the door she could only bear to look you in the eye for a nanosecond before looking away. Shame and regret and sorrow consumed her. You know and have known for the last two days how sorry she is. right away you feel the need to help her, to be there for her, to back her when she needs you. this is the paradox. she has done what was unacceptable but you still feel the duty to remind her who she is. she is so filled with regret it is pouring out her eyes. this is who you are. you tell her you still respect her and its ok to look you in the eye. you reach for her chin but she pulls away while looking at the floor, saying "but how can you"? and you wonder how you can. But this is who you are. you admire her courage. you admire her resolve not to beg, not to plead for forgiveness. she knows she already has it. but this is the paradox. you can forgive but you cannot forget. you know it will never be the same. you know the trust is gone. you could cave, give in, be happy at the moment and back inside the bubble with your friend and your ego but the future would be grey and uncertain. Honor. Integrity. These are the ideals you have developed after much hardship and adversity. you know you must not give in. you miss her. you don't want to hurt her even though she has hurt you. you were humiliated, remember? you should hate her, so why don't you? you don't know. you aren't weak. you aren't a wussy. you are a man, who has learned from the past and you know that the most important thing now is to STICK BY YOUR PRINCIPALS. its cut and paste. very few words are exchanged, because both of you know there isnt anything more to say. so you both say things over again. "i just want you to know how sorry I am" even though she knows that you do. And you hold each other. "it wont ever be the same" you say. but she has known that from the time she was confronted two days ago. the sad part is how badly you want to tell her its ok. To tell her to sit down on the couch and watch a movie with you. TO laugh together. to make her supper cause she sucks at cooking for you. She loved your food. she wasn't a picky about anything, she always just ate it with a smile and gratitude. You will miss her. and you want her back. but you only miss the person that was two days ago. she knows this. finally, after staring at the hayfield for what seems like hours, she says "so what know?" "what do you mean?" you say, even though you know exactly what she means. The time has come to part. neither of you want it. "well I guess I'll go" she says. the battle inside you hits its climax. "don't go" you say on the inside. "stay, and lets eat together." but you remain strong. "one more hug" she says. and that is the hug that lasts for a quarter hour, all the while you fight to not give in. "I'm sorry this is so hard for you" she says. she knows what you are thinking. so much understanding. you break the hug and push her away. its your duty to do so. you look each other in the eyes and then to the floor, and again at each other. she turns quickly and runs down the stairs. full of shame and regret, and is gone. you wonder if you will meet again. so here you sit, writing this, so that you will remember always. this is who you are. this is who you have become. stay like this, its all you've got.
Author Andrew1984 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 I put this here because so many people on this site helped me though my last break up. I just want to say thanks, and I hope this offers some help to someone.
BiAxident Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Thats quite eloquent writing there, and it makes me hope that when my XXGF comes by to bring back my stuff, that I'm not around. http://tinychat.com/myrelationship
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