Saw the OW for the first time

[OWoman]

I know the feeling but I think the interpretation is not necessarily correct.

 

IDK - my H stuck with his xW all those decades because his self-esteem and self-image had been so eroded over the years by his xW so that he thought she and he were equally "mateworthy" and that I was completely out of his league. It took a great deal of hard work in IC for him to rebuild his self-esteem and to recognise his attractiveness, and to acknowledge that when people commented on how well we suited each other as a couple, they had grounds. If he took up with a dog, it would indicate to me that he thought he was worth nothing better than a dog, and that - by extension, since I was choosing to be with him - I was worth nothing better than a dog. (Sure, a dog might be so grateful to be shagging someone decent-looking she would no doubt make him feel like god, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he'd still see a dog when he looked down to see what he was shagging!)

 

Anyway, I'd far rather feel threatened by how attractive an OW was than feel grossed out at how disappointing she turned out to be... The former would make me feel competitive, spur me on to make more of myself, and act as a wake up call - while the latter would depress me terminally: If I was already the better option and he was still choosing to be with someone else, what did that say about me? What did that say about him?

 

This is all hypothetical, of course - I've never been in that position, and should I ever find myself in that situation I may well respond completely differently!

[WalkInThePark]

Anyway, I'd far rather feel threatened by how attractive an OW was than feel grossed out at how disappointing she turned out to be...

 

But that is exactly what I try to say!!! In my opinion attractive competition is actually flattering because it means that the guy has good taste. But if the competition does not seem very attractive, the following thought haunts: "She must have something that I haven't got but what the hell is it???" and "Maybe he is not the kind of guy I thought he was."

[pureinheart]

My H and the OW met at work. They haven't worked together since the affair, but it was just a matter of time before paths crossed again.

 

There was an industry function last night and OW was there. I had no idea she would be since we had been to many of these types of events and no OW. My H pointed her out and ask me if I wanted to leave. I declined and we stayed.

 

Seeing her didn't bother me since she was exactly what my H said she was. I think it made my H more uncomfortable since he had no idea how the OW would react. After the initial sightings and a few stares in both directions, I made a choice to be my usual self and enjoy the party. Not sure what she did the rest of the night as I wasn't watching.

 

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

 

 

Hi HN,

 

No, I don't think it's weird, most of my ex's OW were good people, and that did make me feel better about them and their choices.

 

Now exDM was "playing" around at work during his separation with a girl that I knew from back in the day (HS), she seemed to be more emotionally unstable than before...what bothered me the most was it was mainly a sexual attraction lacking in substance. There seemed to be a desire to "flaunt" rather than that self assurance one should have..I think you know what I mean.

 

I am curious though (bold) as to why he pointed her out....was it fear of what she would do? Does he still feel quilty?

 

Wow...that had to have been weird after all this time...it's been a few years now hasn't it? ...wow...you did good girl!

[OWoman]

But that is exactly what I try to say!!! In my opinion attractive competition is actually flattering because it means that the guy has good taste. But if the competition does not seem very attractive, the following thought haunts: "She must have something that I haven't got but what the hell is it???" and "Maybe he is not the kind of guy I thought he was."

 

IIRC there was an experiment carried out by a Psych dept in Texas where women students rated the attractiveness of various men in photographs. The men then appeared in photographs together with women partners of varying degrees of attractiveness. They found that the attractiveness of the woman partner impacted on the later ratings of the men - those men who were partnered with less attractive women lost attractiveness ratings, while those who were partnered with more attractive women gained.

 

In a slightly less superficial setting - how many times haven't we all reviewed our initially dismissive views of someone because someone we like and trust rates them?

[2sure]

I am positive that my H got a lot more attention in general, especially from women, after he met me. In fact, I think it is part of the reason he wanted to marry me.

 

Now, I'm not saying I am all that - besides, even if I were..it got me nothing.

[Dexter Morgan]

MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

 

everyone is attracted to other people and can appreciate a pretty face here and there.

 

but your husband acts on his attraction, therefore not making him fit for trust.

[pureinheart]

My definition of "looks" and "attractive" is personality, is the individual "kept", meaning clean and are they doing what they can to look the best they can. How they carry themselves, do they have class and so on.

 

Arrogance is a major "ugly" to me...

[herenow]

I am curious though (bold) as to why he pointed her out....was it fear of what she would do? Does he still feel quilty?

 

The question is, what excuse would he have to not tell me? Had we been in that room with the OW and I didn't know, that would have have kept me in the dark once again about the OW. We promised each other honesty. If he didn't point her out, it would have been a lie by omission of information.

 

Having said that, he told me because he wanted me to know exactly what was happening and he gave me the choice to leave. I think he was a bit uncomfortable when we walked in and saw her not knowing how she would react. But, it all turned out fine.

 

Telling me and giving me a choice to make my own decision about staying or not was all about the promise of transparency. It wasn't that big of a deal once we decided to stay and have a good time.

 

And, yes, I agree with those who say it's about how the OW makes the MM feel. But, men need to be attracted to a woman in some way in order for their parts to work. IYKWIM

Edited August 25, 2010 by herenow

[Summer Breeze]

Mine wasn't hot either.

 

I too, held my weight and appearance. Although my H always said he wasn't attracted to overweight women, there she was fat and matronly . It was puzzling to me when after the months of his saying they were just friends, there they were a couple.

 

I guess it doesn't matter what a woman looks like. Obviously her forward manner and audacity covered all.

 

Or maybe it had something to do with her personality?

[Silly_Girl]

Herenow, I think your husband behaved exactly as he should and as you have every right to expect. In your shoes I'd want to know, so I could make an informed choice of to stay or to go.

 

I also like to think I'd do as you did and stay, and have a good time. I'd not be too proud to fake it either, if it came to it

[herenow]

Herenow, do you think it would have mattered if she'd looked different, I don't mean necessarily less attractive or more attractive, but if she were just different to how you'd expected? I ask this in the light that you have recovered and your marriage is strong and healthy now.

 

I had to think about this in order to answer honestly. I think the difference would have been in how much of an impact it had later. Had she been significantly different, I think we would have talked about her after we left. That would have brought her back into our lives in a way.

 

The only discussion we had after the party was a sincere apology from my H for me ever having to be in that situation and a true acceptance from me.

 

And, I told him I would be posting this here as I thought it would be an interesting thread. To which he responded with a simple "OK". And we move on...

[herenow]

everyone is attracted to other people and can appreciate a pretty face here and there.

 

but your husband acts on his attraction, therefore not making him fit for trust.

 

Well that was certainly my first reaction. But, after a while apart and his admitting and working on his addictive personality, I started to see things differently.

 

I also had to take responsibility for the state of our marriage. I would never say I was to blame for his affair, that is 100% his doing. But, I did have to look inside myself to find the part of me that helped create our disconnect.

 

Our time apart assured me that I would be fine and my kids would be fine if we were married or not. That gave me the freedom to work on our marriage knowing that it wasn't out of fear, kids, finances, or anything else holding me back from a wonderful life either way.

 

MY H is committed to a 12 step program. I am 100% certain had he not gone that route, he would have continued on his destructive path. It was never alcohol or drugs. It was work, hobbies, the affair. Whatever he needed to get his fix.

 

Dexter, you and I agree on a lot of stuff and I'm not going to try and convince you that I can trust my H. The only person that needs to be convinced is me, and he has and continues to do a great job of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, you and I agree on a lot of stuff and I'm not going to try and convince you that I can trust my H. The only person that needs to be convinced is me, and he has and continues to do a great job of it.

 

 

well it made it sound like you were making excuses for him almost like you understood why he cheated.....because he found her attractive.

[herenow]

well it made it sound like you were making excuses for him almost like you understood why he cheated.....because he found her attractive.

 

Nope, there is no excuse for his cheating. This thread is about how I felt when I saw the OW for the first time. And the feeling was that of relief because she was just like I pictured her to be. Strange as it may sound, that is how I felt.

[desertIslandCactus]

Or maybe it had something to do with her personality?

 

Since xH is dead, I would have to go on what family members, H secretary, and numerous stepchildren have said, rather than an LS member.

 

But as for the 'come hither' approach, I have an idea on that one.

[White Flower]

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

Not weird at all. I think basically, even though we are spiritual beings, deep down we are human and animalistic. That basic side of us is very competitive even if our spiritual side reasons against it.

 

This makes perfect sense to me! I think if my H had to "affair down" I would feel completely insulted, as if it had somehow "cheapened my brand". (I'm aware of how shallow this sounds, but... I'd think, if he thinks that's what he's worth, he thinks that's what I'm worth too! )

Is it ok for an OW to feel the same way about the W? Because I have the same weird feeling you do.

 

I've seen countless pictures of MM's W. We are different in every possible way. She works out and stays fit and in fact is too thin by most people's standards. But her face is another story. I've always been kind about it, but when he buckled on D-day and made the NC call I felt the very sentiment you felt Herenow. Weird. Only, it wasn't a relief kind of weird.

 

I felt as though I was less than because he actually chose to stay with...I can't even say it...but her. He's always been careful to tell me I'm beautiful, intelligent, and sexy in a way that was not competitive such as, 'you're more beautiful than her' and I'm glad he didn't because I wouldn't want him to be mean. But he found other ways to tell me that. On D-day, I felt all he had ever said was a lie and I also wondered how on earth he could ever be with her in a physical way. Looking the way she does made me feel he was telling the truth when he said sex was practically non-existant.

 

But it wasn't, and he obviously stumped me when he chose to stay.

 

It doesn't ruin my self-esteem. I know I am easy to look at, intelligent, and sexy. But it did perplex me on a basic level for quite a while.

 

They are one of those couples that when you see them you wonder how on earth they landed up together. He's George Clooney and she's Rhea Perlman. (I love Rhea, btw, and have met her--nice lady). Just giving you a picture for comparison.

 

I will say that he feels she is classy and comes from a good back ground. On that he may feel we are on the same level. I guess that's something. All his OW, except for maybe one, had a touch of class and an air of sophistication.

[2sure]

When I was OW, I ultimately ended up seeing at least picture of a couple of the wives. I thought they were hot and also admired either their professional success or intelligence in some other way. When MM would occasionally share a story with me that included her...whether a good one or a bad one...I would think to myself: She sounds right, she sounds normal, etc.

 

Thats when I ultimately realized they were selfish , entitled, cry babys.

 

Obviously my hobby as OW took a nose dive. Its hard to have fun with an affair partner when the first thing you think of is: Your wife & I are both to good for you.

[turnstone]

I had to think about this in order to answer honestly. I think the difference would have been in how much of an impact it had later. Had she been significantly different, I think we would have talked about her after we left. That would have brought her back into our lives in a way.

 

That makes complete sense. Lies seem to always be eventually found out and they always, always, always prolong the period of recovery, which of course involves endless discussion, which of course will involve the OW in part.

 

Reading this thread makes me wonder if I have somehow skipped pertinent parts of being a BS, not that it matters now.

[herenow]

That makes complete sense. Lies seem to always be eventually found out and they always, always, always prolong the period of recovery, which of course involves endless discussion, which of course will involve the OW in part.

 

Reading this thread makes me wonder if I have somehow skipped pertinent parts of being a BS, not that it matters now.

 

There comes a point where you know all you need to know. Only you know when you have reached that point. I reached it long ago. I had enough of the puzzle to move on. Maybe that is why seeing her wasn't a bad or stressful experience. Just kind of a strange moment.

[OWoman]

I felt as though I was less than because he actually chose to stay with...I can't even say it...but her. He's always been careful to tell me I'm beautiful, intelligent, and sexy in a way that was not competitive such as, 'you're more beautiful than her' and I'm glad he didn't because I wouldn't want him to be mean. But he found other ways to tell me that. On D-day, I felt all he had ever said was a lie and I also wondered how on earth he could ever be with her in a physical way. Looking the way she does made me feel he was telling the truth when he said sex was practically non-existant.

 

WF, you should know well enough by now that his failure to act on DDay had nothing to do with you, or her - and everything to do with him. I'd say that was probably true in most cases - that whichever way the MM jumps on DDay, has little to do with either woman, and pretty much everything to do with him. Suddenly he is on the spot, a moment he's not prepared for, a choice he's not yet ready to make - and so he goes with whatever appears to him to be the easiest choice in that moment of panic. It's not a rational or long-term logical decision - if he were ready to make that, he'd have made it and acted on it. This is the caught-with-your-hand-in-the-sweet-jar moment when you have to busk to your mother to get out of it in a hurry.

[herenow]

WF, you should know well enough by now that his failure to act on DDay had nothing to do with you, or her - and everything to do with him. I'd say that was probably true in most cases - that whichever way the MM jumps on DDay, has little to do with either woman, and pretty much everything to do with him. Suddenly he is on the spot, a moment he's not prepared for, a choice he's not yet ready to make - and so he goes with whatever appears to him to be the easiest choice in that moment of panic. It's not a rational or long-term logical decision - if he were ready to make that, he'd have made it and acted on it. This is the caught-with-your-hand-in-the-sweet-jar moment when you have to busk to your mother to get out of it in a hurry.

 

Well, that is if you assume that all BW want their H's to stay. Many of us show him the door and he begs to come back. Believe me, leaving would have been easy for my H.

 

He choose to continue to pursue me, which I'm sure took much more effort than going to be with the OW. He could have every easily gone to stay with the OW. She begged him to stay with her, but he chose to stay at a hotel during our separation.

 

He choose to work on himself and figure out why he did what he did. He choose to make significant live changes to prove to me we should give our marriage another chance. Leaving to be with the OW would have been much easier.

[silktricks]

WF, you should know well enough by now that his failure to act on DDay had nothing to do with you, or her - and everything to do with him. I'd say that was probably true in most cases - that whichever way the MM jumps on DDay, has little to do with either woman, and pretty much everything to do with him. Suddenly he is on the spot, a moment he's not prepared for, a choice he's not yet ready to make - and so he goes with whatever appears to him to be the easiest choice in that moment of panic. It's not a rational or long-term logical decision - if he were ready to make that, he'd have made it and acted on it. This is the caught-with-your-hand-in-the-sweet-jar moment when you have to busk to your mother to get out of it in a hurry.

 

You are assuming that D-Day is a sudden discovery and he was "caught". Though that is often the case, it is not always. D-Day means discovery day for the BS. Sometimes that discovery day is because the WS chooses to tell the BS. That was the case for us. Very rational, long-term and acted upon.

 

Also, most BS' first reaction is to "throw the b*st*rd out" not try to keep him, so staying isn't necessarily the easiest choice nor one that is made in a "moment of panic". Quite often (usually?) it's a very difficult choice to pursue that takes a lot of energy and time - it's not easy.

[SidLyon]

My H and the OW met at work. They haven't worked together since the affair, but it was just a matter of time before paths crossed again.

 

There was an industry function last night and OW was there. I had no idea she would be since we had been to many of these types of events and no OW. My H pointed her out and ask me if I wanted to leave. I declined and we stayed.

 

Seeing her didn't bother me since she was exactly what my H said she was. I think it made my H more uncomfortable since he had no idea how the OW would react. After the initial sightings and a few stares in both directions, I made a choice to be my usual self and enjoy the party. Not sure what she did the rest of the night as I wasn't watching.

 

I found her to be attractive and, in a way, that made me feel good. It was a very strange feeling that I can only describe as relief. Like I said, she looked just like what my H told me. I guess my feeling is, if the OW wasn't an attractive woman, what would that make me? Maybe that's not the right way to feel, but it's the way I feel. I didn't know that I would feel that way until I saw her. MY H is attracted to attractive women. I would be surprise (and strangely hurt) if the OW wasn't attractive. Is that weird?

 

I have only met the OW once which was when I went to her workplace.

 

Prior to that I'd seen several photos of her on the internet (not on facebook, as it was before I went on there). In one she was so "dolled up" that to me she looked hard as nails but in the others she looked attractive but normal.

 

I met her at a bad time for her as it was the first anniversary of her H's death the day after (I didn't know this at the time, as I only ever knew the funeral date which was some weeks after his death because he died in another country and there was a delay in getting him here).

 

She had also undergone (presumably) a year of grieving for her H, having an ongoing relationship with my H and also the other MM leaving his BW for her about 6 months earlier (I didn't know this at the time either). This seemed to have aged her so much that I was surprised by her appearance. More recently another person put some holiday photos of her and the other MM on facebook, and she looked even older than when I last saw her nearly 18 months ago. I showed my H her recent photo and his comment was that she looked "jowly".

 

However I am not exactly beautiful either - I'm in my mid-50s so I know it's not really about looks anyway. It certainly helped me to see she wasn't incredibly beautiful but hurts that my H thought she was. He tells me I am beautiful too so I know he is biased.

[White Flower]

 

But it wasn't, and he obviously stumped me when he chose to stay.

 

It doesn't ruin my self-esteem. I know I am easy to look at, intelligent, and sexy. But it did perplex me on a basic level for quite a while.

 

 

WF, you should know well enough by now that his failure to act on DDay had nothing to do with you, or her - and everything to do with him. I'd say that was probably true in most cases - that whichever way the MM jumps on DDay, has little to do with either woman, and pretty much everything to do with him. Suddenly he is on the spot, a moment he's not prepared for, a choice he's not yet ready to make - and so he goes with whatever appears to him to be the easiest choice in that moment of panic. It's not a rational or long-term logical decision - if he were ready to make that, he'd have made it and acted on it. This is the caught-with-your-hand-in-the-sweet-jar moment when you have to busk to your mother to get out of it in a hurry.

I totally understand and do feel he was the deer caught in the headlights. When I asked him wth happened he reminded me of our October date and just felt he had more time to work out how to tell her, and wasn't ready to do so in December.

 

I posted on this thread mostly to point out the part BBM. I think it is the basic and animalistic part of our make-up that causes us to think about the MM's other person, their beauty, and how we relate that to ourselves. We are not necessarily being rational when we have these thoughts which is indicative of the OPs question.

 

Thanks for adding a new word to my dictionary-busk-which I've looked up. Yes, I agree, he busked on D-day.

[turnstone]

There comes a point where you know all you need to know. Only you know when you have reached that point. I reached it long ago. I had enough of the puzzle to move on. Maybe that is why seeing her wasn't a bad or stressful experience. Just kind of a strange moment.

What a great thing to say. Yes, there is an 'aha!' moment and I can see from your posts that you did indeed reach it long ago. I think I did too simply because I chose not to have my exH in my life anymore and therefore knowing he had cheated was enough information.

 

Well, that is if you assume that all BW want their H's to stay. Many of us show him the door and he begs to come back.

 

Yes, it seems that this part is often ignored by the OW.