*sigh* feel like his mother/housekeeper.

[Meadow Blue]

I'm generally satisfied with my relationship and happy with my SO.

 

Every once in awhile I start to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, taken for granted, pretty much over the same couple issues.

 

This is one of those times, and I just need to get this out.

 

SO and I both have full time jobs; he works a straight 40 hrs/week, but I usually work OT and work about 45-50hrs/wk.

 

We eat out 1-2 times per week, and he pays.

 

I buy groceries and cook dinner 5-6 times per week.

 

He is fairly neat about putting his things away and helping with the dishes. He has not once helped clean any of the bathrooms in our home, vacuumed, mopped, dusted, washed the windows, etc.

 

For every 10 loads of laundry I do, he does one load.

 

This summer he has mowed the lawn once. I have mowed it every other time. I do all the gardening, which I suppose is fair, since I'm the one who wanted a garden.

 

I almost always am the one who takes out the trash.

 

When we are running low or out of something (toothpaste, toilet paper, etc.) he waits for me to go to the store to get it. The last time he bought anything for the house was garbage bags, and that was 5 months ago, when I was at the store with him and pointed out we needed them.

 

When he is sick I make him tea and soup, and go to the store to buy cold medicines, cough drops, whatever I think he needs to feel comfortable. I check up to see if he is feeling better. When I am sick he only picks something up if I ask him to and tell him exactly what to get. I recently had minor, but very painful, surgery, which he drove me to, but then he never once asked me how I was feeling, or got me Motrin or anything for the pain. Yet I am still getting phone calls from a few close family members who know about the surgery to see how I am feeling, if there's problems, see if I'm feeling better.

 

We need to repaint every room in our home. We went to Home Depot and picked out paint together to do the first round of rooms; he bought the paint, but I'm the one spending my time scrubbing the baseboards, sanding and washing the walls, and painting them.

 

This summer when he has had people over (for a BBQ, small dinner party, etc.) I have "helped" him prepare by washing spare sheets and making up the guest room, and cleaning extra-well so the house looks nice.

 

A couple weekends ago I had a friend visit from out of town - when I asked if SO was okay with that before making for-sure plans he said "You're going to clean first, right?" He didn't help me clean. Worse, she was coming on a Friday evening, and when I got home from work I finished all the cleaning that needed to get done. When HE got home from work I could tell he was irritated, and when I pressed him about it he said (basically) that it was because he was expecting the house to look so nice when he got home from work and it looked like I hadn't done anything!

 

Last night I had my book club over (small group) because it was my turn to host and of course I cleaned the house, but didn't have time to clean the upstairs hallway, our bedroom and bathroom, which really need attention.

 

SO spent hours messing around on his computer, rather than taking 30 minutes to run the vacuum and scrub the sinks!

 

I feel like he is the one who gets to not come home after work (baseball game, HH, whatever) or to go away for a weekend with friends while I am the one who is left to take care of the animals and clean. The one time I was going away for a weekend (cleared with him months in advance) I ended up inviting him, with the understanding that I would pay for the weekend, since it was my thing, but he would pay for boarding of pets, since that was supposed to be his responsibility for the weekend - he paid the deposit when we dropped them off, then I was the one to pick them up (more flexible work schedule) and had to pay for the boarding! I'm also the one who had to find a place to board the animals, because after several reminders that he needed to do it, he still hadn't bothered to even think about it, and we needed to make reservations! I also am the one who always has to go to the vet and pay for those visits.

 

My sister has the same kind of relationship with her live-in bf, but he pays for basically all of their living expenses and when they go out, AND he buys her flowers randomly all the time, random gifts, and when he goes away for the weekend once in awhile and she's stuck with their pets he treats her to a day at the spa!

 

I contribute to living expenses, but not 50/50 with him, because we moved into HIS house and I can't afford to pay for half. What I pay is proportional to what I make. Just his utility bill every month is twice what I paid in rent at my last place.

 

I feel like this relationship is so one sided. If we weren't together I would spend less money, do the same amount of cleaning, spend less time doing laundry, and the only thing I would be missing is his company.

 

He goes away for a weekend and misses me so much, and I only feel resentful about the unequal division of labor, and don't miss him at all.

 

I hate that when I comment on not having gotten to cleaning a certain room or something, and his response is to reassure me that it's okay because I already did so much. What I want is for him to step up and say oh I'll do it, it's my turn!

 

Every single time we have needed someone to come over to the house in the last 6 months (getting the deck finished, satellite fixed, and so on) I am the one who has to be home to let that person in, since I have a flexible schedule and often work from home, as opposed to him taking time off from work. Instead he uses all his PTO and vacation time to take time off for the things he WANTS to do - while I don't have to use PTO or vacation time for these things due to my schedule, it does mean that I have to work longer days to make up for the time taken away to take care of these other things.

 

He took an entire week off of work recently (no vacation planned, just wanted to relax at home and get other things done), and didn't do ANYTHING except **** around on Facebook all day and go shopping for the entire week.

 

He wants to have a baby and all I can think about is how I already have two full time jobs, the one I get paid for and then taking care of him, our pets and our house. He has one full time job, and twice as much time as me to do the things he WANTS to do and to enjoy himself.

Edited August 25, 2010 by Meadow Blue

[hopesndreams]

*sigh* feel like his mother/housekeeper.

 

That's because you are.

 

Some men are with women they look at as their mothers. Some women are with men to be their mother.

 

But, in all male/female relationships, that I know of, and having been married twice, the woman does it all and feels overwhelmed and unappreciated. That's the reality! Unless you can change it. You can't change him but you can make him feel less comfortable and taken care of by slacking off a little bit in the housekeeper/mother role. Then see what happens.

[carhill]

Sounds like now is the time to adjust the workload for when that baby comes.....

 

Pick the one job which he ignores that frustrates the heck out of you and hire it out. Just one. I'd personally start outside, since I've got 5 acres to care for, and did when I was married. Hire a gardener/lawn service. You're the domestic manager. Take care of it. No comments from the peanut gallery (him). Write the check out of the household budget.

 

What you're going to find here is, as my signature line indicates, it will come down to who cares the least.

 

A very cynical POV is, with his current perspective, if you got tired of this and left him and cleaned him out, he'd likely feel he got his money's worth by having you slave over him for however long you've been married. That's infinitely better (to him) than doting on you and sharing all the chores and then you cleaning him out 'just because'. Some men actually look at it that way, though it might come across as wanting 'mothering'.

 

I remember stbx having to shove me out of the kitchen and the laundry room (and other aspects of 'chores') because I had always done those things for decades while single. I just soldiered on after getting married like nothing had changed. Big mistake I made. The fact that I still have her psycho cat is proof of that

 

IMO, take one thing and take a stand. Maginot Line. Buck stops here. Tough toenails.

 

He's a big boy and has fully formed male parts. He can handle it.

[hopeful1980]

If you don't want to feel taken advantage of, stop being a martyr. If you like to see your house squeaky clean, then clean it for yourself. If you like to have your toiletries stocked, stock them for yourself. If you like to see the lawn mowed, mow it for yourself. Get the picture?

 

Take him out of the equation and you wont feel taken for granted. If you are doing things for you and because they make you happy, you'll feel happy. If the dishes don't get done, they don't get done. If the trash doesn't get taken out, oh well. It's not the end of the world. No one will die.

 

You have to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to change, but you can. Run your house the way you want to run it and forget about him.

[2sure]

Make a monthly budget regarding groceries, dining out, entertainment and split it.

 

Hire someone to come in once every 2 weeks for floors & bathrooms.

 

Period.

[luvstarved]

I missed the part where the two of you had a rational adult conversation about this and he callously refused to participate any more than he already has.

 

Granted, it is clear that housework is not his thing. It is clear that he is not the most proactively thoughtful person out there.

 

It is not clear that you have really worked on any possible solution, and yes do seem to be playing the martyr somewhat. I think that a lot of men, maybe most, are not going to rock the boat and say "hey, can I help you clean the toilets?" when it's already being taken care of.

 

Most men I think will happily be mothered/caretaken but also think most will respond favorably to explicit requests for help. So what if they have to be explicit?

 

I am not sure what the best solution is. Is the problem more that you want to do less of this stuff (then hire it out) or that you want him to do more of it (then have a conversation with him and negotiate splitting things up more equitably)...

 

THis is btw a very common complaint with women. It's just true that in most households women take care of more than men do. Some don't mind and think of the positive things their man does for them, and some are galled by the rank injustice of it.

 

You need to decide what you really want from him, and then tell him. Nobody here can tell you what he is willing to do to step up. Only he can. But I would not expect perfect compliance on a verbal agreement to do more...and I would not necessarily expect him to be more "sensitive" either. If you really care about each other, though, I think he would try harder to give you what you want and you would accept the fact that you may have to explicitly tell him what that is until he "gets it".

 

My guess is that he probably barely has a clue of how you feel about this. If what bothers you is that he didn't figure that out all on his own, then you're either being unfair or he is just not the man for you...

[Meadow Blue]

Thank you for the responses, and I'm sorry I don't have time to thoughtfully respond in kind.

 

I do want to say that I think there is something inherently wrong in the assumption that if I don't want to be my SO's mother, and I don't want to do 110% of everything, I should have to ASK him to help out (which, by the way, only turns into nagging, aka mother-behavior).

 

Even if as a man he doesn't think he needs to clean the bathroom, since he can't actually SEE mold, or in some other way (aside from common sense) tell that it needs to be cleaned, there are other things he should be able to figure out and take care of without being told.

 

If there's no toothpaste, toilet paper, dish soap, garbage bags, whatever, do you really need someone to tell you that the logical thing to do is go get some more?

 

We actually had an argument about the lawn one day because I was refusing to cut it; finally one day he realized it was out of control and needed to be cut and he actually blamed me for not cutting it, claiming that he rarely sees the grass. Not true, as he goes to the backyard every day, but rather than arguing this point with him I simply informed him that it's GRASS and every rational person knows that grass grows and needs regular maintenance. That said, why should someone have to TELL you to cut the grass?

 

Sorry, but I really don't buy the argument that I should have to ask someone to help out around the house. He had to mow the ****ing lawn every week for 10 years before I moved in, didn't he? Was anyone telling him to do it then? (Obviously not.)

Edited August 25, 2010 by Meadow Blue

[Meadow Blue]

 

You have to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to change, but you can.

 

He did change - from a self-sufficient adult to a little boy with no motivation, no common sense, and no common courtesy.

 

Obviously he's not all bad, and I know I pointed out at the beginning of my post (when people were still reading) that generally I'm happy, but occasionally feel this way.

 

He will always stop at the store to pick up something I need for dinner on his way home from work without complaining.

 

Once in awhile he calls me to see if I want him to pick something up for dinner.

 

If I call him to let him know I'm working late he offers to make dinner and have it ready at whatever time I will be home.

 

He never asks me to change the filters in the air conditioner, though that might have more to do with the fact that I don't even know what that means.

Edited August 25, 2010 by Meadow Blue

[luvstarved]

Thank you for the responses, and I'm sorry I don't have time to thoughtfully respond in kind.

 

I do want to say that I think there is something inherently wrong in the assumption that if I don't want to be my SO's mother, and I don't want to do 110% of everything, I should have to ASK him to help out (which, by the way, only turns into nagging, aka mother-behavior).

 

Even if as a man he doesn't think he needs to clean the bathroom, since he can't actually SEE mold, or in some other way (aside from common sense) tell that it needs to be cleaned, there are other things he should be able to figure out and take care of without being told.

 

If there's no toothpaste, toilet paper, dish soap, garbage bags, whatever, do you really need someone to tell you that the logical thing to do is go get some more?

 

We actually had an argument about the lawn one day because I was refusing to cut it; finally one day he realized it was out of control and needed to be cut and he actually blamed me for not cutting it, claiming that he rarely sees the grass. Not true, as he goes to the backyard every day, but rather than arguing this point with him I simply informed him that it's GRASS and every rational person knows that grass grows and needs regular maintenance. That said, why should someone have to TELL you to cut the grass?

 

Sorry, but I really don't buy the argument that I should have to ask someone to help out around the house. He had to mow the ****ing lawn every week for 10 years before I moved in, didn't he? Was anyone telling him to do it then? (Obviously not.)

 

You want him to do what you want him to do without you having to tell him to do it. You came into the situation and took on 110% of the responsibility without firmly establishing an equitable arrangement in the beginning. You want what is important to you to be the same thing that is important to him. You want him to read your mind and/or be what you want him to be without you having to do the additional "work" of telling him or negotiating in any way.

 

You don't need to nag, IMHO, in order to plainly state that you find the division of labor unacceptable and present a clear portrait of what you think would be fair and ask him respectfully what he is and is not willing to do in order to better contribute, and then evaluate whether that is sufficient to you. It does not sound like you have presented it in this way and instead just spew and steam internally that he isn't doing what you want him to do.

 

I get the impression that you must be quite young and new to cohabitation in order to feel so surprised and indignant at the idea that a rational person would not just naturally and automatically do what you consider to be the obvious and correct thing.

 

Honestly, if the cost/benefit ratio of this relationship is just not working for you (e.g., you don't miss him at all when he is gone) then you should probably get out. Your resentment seems to far outweigh any other feelings you have for this guy.

[OnlyJake]

You came into the situation and took on 110% of the responsibility without firmly establishing an equitable arrangement in the beginning.

How do you know that? I bet this is something that happened/happens much more gradually.

 

 

want what is important to you to be the same thing that is important to him. You want him to read your mind and/or be what you want him to be without you having to do the additional "work" of telling him or negotiating in any way.

That's not the sense I got from skimming the OP and subsequent posts. It sounds like it's important to the bf that the house be clean and the lawn mowed (inferred from comments OP said he made), but he's not willing to do it himself.

 

 

I get the impression that you must be quite young and new to cohabitation in order to feel so surprised and indignant at the idea that a rational person would not just naturally and automatically do what you consider to be the obvious and correct thing.

I find this quite funny, and this is what made me respond. I think most people consider it to be obvious and correct to go out and buy more toothpaste when it's out - what are you going to do, stop brushing your teeth until some more magically appears??

[luvstarved]

I find this quite funny, and this is what made me respond. I think most people consider it to be obvious and correct to go out and buy more toothpaste when it's out - what are you going to do, stop brushing your teeth until some more magically appears??

 

You completely missed my point. For that matter, I think it is obvious and correct to buy stuff BEFORE it runs out and always have a ready supply and actually agree with the poster that her SO *should* contribute more than he does and *should* do so without having to be told.

 

The part I disagree with is in how it should be addressed. I believe she needs to negotiate it with him, she seems to think it's a better idea to just quietly resent him for not reading her mind and/or being who she wants him to be, and maybe blow up about it once in a while, while continuing to do 110% of the work.

 

Clearly, he DOES have to be told and ISN'T going to do it on his own. It doesn't matter ultimately what he *should* do and what "most people" would do. She's not living with most people, she's living with HIM, and so the RATIONAL thing to do is deal with THAT reality, instead of bitching that it isn't a different reality. The RATIONAL thing to do is to define her needs, convey them to him, and find out to what extent he can meet them, then decide if that is good enough to make the relationship worthwhile to her. And if not, leave.

 

Having said all that, though, I do think that if you are going to live with someone, you have to be prepared for the fact that people can be different from you without being incorrect or somehow inferior. My H is more bothered by clutter than something not being really clean, while I am more bothered by something not being really clean than a little clutter.

 

And even if this situation came about gradually, it was ultimately with the OP's participation. My big gripe with her attitude is that things have evolved this way and she allowed it and now resents it. I haven't gotten any impression at all that she has tried to have a mutually respectful conversation with him about this. Only that she has silently seethed and occasionally gotten angry about it. I don't honestly think that is any more rational and mature, in fact I think it is LESS rational than him neglecting to do things that he knows someone else will eventually do for him. Which I also think should stop if she really expects things to change.

[atlnay]

If chores aside you adore this man & dont want to end the relationship, bring him to the table and suggest, "sweety, i am pooped working OT & managing our home. Let's take a look at our budget & make room for a blah blah blah" if he rejects...ask him for a suggestion, then you counter & so on till you both settle on something reasonable. Good luck!

[SarahRose]

Well you married a lazy man.

 

No you shouldn't have to ask him but a lot of men assume when they get married the wife will just do everything. They act like it's 1950. They don't consider you working as much or more than they do.

 

He obviously took care of himself and the house before you.

 

So yes you do need to have that conversation to split the chores or hire them out.

 

My husband is lazy. The thing is it does no good to let it go as he'll leave the yard unmowed for 6 months and same with dishes.

 

My sink is piled with dirty dishes. He obviously thinks it's my job.

 

He had the nerve to say I didn't replace the toilet paper and he never does and just throws the empty rolls on the floor.

 

My solution is to pack up everything we aren't using and put it in storage. I'm packing up all the dishes pans etc and getting paper plates.

[BlackLovely]

Well you married a lazy man.

 

No you shouldn't have to ask him but a lot of men assume when they get married the wife will just do everything. They act like it's 1950. They don't consider you working as much or more than they do.

 

He obviously took care of himself and the house before you.

 

So yes you do need to have that conversation to split the chores or hire them out.

 

My husband is lazy. The thing is it does no good to let it go as he'll leave the yard unmowed for 6 months and same with dishes.

 

My sink is piled with dirty dishes. He obviously thinks it's my job.

 

He had the nerve to say I didn't replace the toilet paper and he never does and just throws the empty rolls on the floor.

 

My solution is to pack up everything we aren't using and put it in storage. I'm packing up all the dishes pans etc and getting paper plates.

 

I totally agree with this. It was one of the reasons I feared marriage for many years; I watched my mother run herself ragged, while my dad put his feet up. Mom complains to this day that my dad treats her like the maid, but I tell her that it is partly her fault this dynamic exists. You teach men how to treat you.

 

I don't agree that the OP should have to pay for extra help, if there are two healthy adults in the home. The OP needs to put her foot down and have a serious discussion with her partner. Be clear about what you're expecting from him and be prepared to listen to his side of the story as well.

[hopeful1980]

He did change - from a self-sufficient adult to a little boy with no motivation, no common sense, and no common courtesy.

 

Obviously he's not all bad, and I know I pointed out at the beginning of my post (when people were still reading) that generally I'm happy, but occasionally feel this way.

 

He will always stop at the store to pick up something I need for dinner on his way home from work without complaining.

 

Once in awhile he calls me to see if I want him to pick something up for dinner.

 

If I call him to let him know I'm working late he offers to make dinner and have it ready at whatever time I will be home.

 

He never asks me to change the filters in the air conditioner, though that might have more to do with the fact that I don't even know what that means.

 

My point is, what do YOU want to do? Knowing that you can't get him to clean up and talking really doesn't help, what is your next step? What can you do from here in order for you to feel less taken advantage of and more appreciated?

 

Personally, I think you should stop. Stop nagging him to help, stop being a maid and a personal shopper. Do what you want to do and forget the rest and if he complains tell him he is more than able to do it himself. I mean honestly, what else can you do?

[make me believe]

I do want to say that I think there is something inherently wrong in the assumption that if I don't want to be my SO's mother, and I don't want to do 110% of everything, I should have to ASK him to help out (which, by the way, only turns into nagging, aka mother-behavior).

 

I completetly disagree with this. In a healthy relationship, asking your SO to help out with some chores will NOT result in nagging. This weekend I said to my boyfriend "hey sweetie, do you think you could vacuum the living room while I clean up the bathroom?" It absolutely did not result in me nagging him or us getting into a fight! But then again, I haven't been cleaning the apartment by myself and silently resenting him for it the entire time without communicating my wants & needs to him. Why is asking him to help you out worse than doing it yourself & then being pissed off about it? He's shown you that he's not going to take the initiative to do it himself. Fine. Either accept that behavior and do it yourself, or accept that you will have to communicate your wishes to him. You can't put yourself into this role, refuse to discuss your unhappiness about it with him, and then complain about it.

[carhill]

'Honey, I need help doing the yard. We're both busy, but the yard needs to be done. Let's do it together from now on'

 

OP, there's some communication. It won't be repeated. Try it.

 

In the future, it's merely 'Saturday is yard day'. If he doesn't 'get it', hire the gardener. A healthy marriage is as much about listening as it is about talking. Selective listeners don't get a pass, from me anyway.

[OnlyJake]

In a healthy relationship, asking your SO to help out with some chores will NOT result in nagging. This weekend I said to my boyfriend "hey sweetie, do you think you could vacuum the living room while I clean up the bathroom?" It absolutely did not result in me nagging him or us getting into a fight!

 

Duh, that's because you asked your bf to do something and he did it.

 

Nagging results when someone says "hey sweetie, do you think you could vacuum the living room while I clean the bathroom?" and 10 minutes later it's still not done, and an hour later it's still not done, and 3 hours later it's still not done, and a day later it's still not done, and half a dozen requests later it's still not done.

 

Maybe in your world asking your SO to help out with some chores "will NOT result in nagging" but clearly that is not the case for the OP, or for a few other women who posted in this thread.

[Meadow Blue]

Thank you for the helpful responses. Mostly I needed a place to vent so I wouldn't throw something at him. I do ask for help, but I typically don't get it. I've started to go over our budget, to see if we can cut back somewhere to allow us to hire someone to come in and help.

[Meadow Blue]

Also, thank you to the posters who let me know that I am not alone - when I'm feeling resentful and frustrated over this, there is nothing worse than hearing from others how great their guy is, because he's not at all like that - this, combined with not wanting to complain about him to friends is why I chose to post here rather than bitch over a cup of coffee with someone.

[TinaniT]

If you shop, you can get a good housekeeper really cheap. It is worth the price not being on your relationship... I haven't needed one in my situation but I have tons of friends who use them... and it's cheaper than you might expect and a few hundred dollars a month for weekly cleaning sure is cheaper than a divorce because the building resent and unhappiness!