When do you reveal a biochemical/psychological condition to a potential partner?

[dario]

Gee, I ask alot of questions. And I apologise in advance if I'm a nuisance! Just a quick one...how soon into a relationship should it be before you reveal to a partner that you have...um, bipolar? To explain oncoming behaviour...and not to use it as an excuse for later. Do you know what I mean? Hells bells, I'm just saying that things go great and it's a fight of the senses sometimes and some behaviour comes across as standoffish...but not meaning to. Any help?

[UCFKevin]

When the relationship gets beyong just casual dating. I'd say when you two are one on one and it might go somewhere, then tell him.

[longlegzs80]

Yeah, I agree with KEVIN, after you two have gotten closer and are over the casual dating thing, then I would just let him know that you have this problem. Now, are you doing anything like on some kind of pills to help out your bipolar problem? What are you doing about this problem? He might ask you what your doing about this problem, so just fully preparing you as to what might come.

 

But then too, can't someone tell if you are depressed, bipolar whatever?

[dario]

Thanks guys....oh, I'm a 'he'! Um,...I just remember my last gf. My recent ex. I acted strange sometimes...tried to control my behaviour. There was a time on a couch once when she told me that she wanted to have a future with me and I was so happy and relaxed at this prospect. I told her that there will be moments when I'll be quiet...I didn't explain further. Ofcourse, at the end of the day she broke up with me for various reasons (as posted) and it sent me in a spin. I should have told her...but I didn't. We had been going out for five months and it was just fun, fun, fun...and, well, I didn't want to kinda burdern her with this...I didn't want her to think me a freak (although, I'm sure she wouldn't have). What follwed was a painful couple of months for me which I'm coming out of (other big problems to deal with) and my reaction to the break-up wasn't very healthy (also posted).

 

I'm not taking any medication. I don't want to. I've learnt to deal with what I have. It's bizarre. I am pretty hyper at the moment....rushing around the office...that's how I deal with it. I've convinced myself that if I rush myself into work and keep moving I can overcome it all. It's the moments of stillness that alarm me. Just have to keep moving. It can be exhausting. I've had so many failed r/ships that I don't really want to do it again.

[Tony T]

There are many people who have conditions which may affect a relationship or a prospective partner's view of them and those should be revealed as soon as it seems comfortable to do so but not at the very beginning of a relationship. There are some people who are willing to be patient with someone with a mental challenge and others who are not. There are also many who may feel they can be tolerant but who, in the long run, cannot be. It's a difficult situation for the person with the malady but the very best policy is to be up front always.

 

If someone professes to understand fully, it's very important to date them for a long time to be very sure they can handle the highs and lows of your bipolar. It's also important that they learn as much as possible about the extent to which you suffer from the disease.

[dario]

Thanks Tony....honesty is the key. At the very end (when all is lost) it becomes a scramble of thought in trying to explain something that should have been confessed earlier. Cest la vie.

[faux]

Originally posted by dario

Gee, I ask alot of questions. And I apologise in advance if I'm a nuisance! Just a quick one...how soon into a relationship should it be before you reveal to a partner that you have...um, bipolar? To explain oncoming behaviour...and not to use it as an excuse for later. Do you know what I mean? Hells bells, I'm just saying that things go great and it's a fight of the senses sometimes and some behaviour comes across as standoffish...but not meaning to. Any help?

 

That depends on how serous you are going to get with the person. I'm what you'd call managed bipolar II. No meds, no doctors, no therapists -- I'm perfectly fine and have been for several years now. I don't see any reason to ever mention to anyone I ever went through that hell.

 

And to be honest when I was still battling it, and I was involved, I never told anyone. I never wanted pity or fear from such an announcement.

 

From my experiences with the disorder, I think you should really make sure that you are very well managed before being in ANY relationships. YOU are your first priority here. I wish I had taken that advice way back when.

 

This is a decision you need to make. And I'm curious as to why you haven't discussed this with your therapist or psychiatrist? That is what they are for you know. They know your condition far better then any of us do, and are perhaps better qualified to help you make this decision.

[moimeme]

I was involved with a fellow who had AD/HD. The condition causes lots of interpersonal problems. Unfortunately, he wasn't aware of his situation but I wish he had been and that I had known as well. Some behaviours and issues which these conditions cause are intolerable in a completely well person, but are understandable and can be forgiveable in someone who has a disorder. For example, what appears to be lack of consideration in someone with AD/HD is generally a result of the inability to plan and foresee consequences that AD/HD causes.

 

Definitely, if you want to get involved with someone seriously, you owe it to both of you to inform that person about your situation and allow him or her to make an informed choice about whether to be with you or not. Anybody considering a lifetime with you needs to understand what s/he may have to face and be given the opportunity to learn about the condition and its implications. To do otherwise would be deceitful.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by faux

I'm what you'd call managed bipolar II. No meds, no doctors, no therapists -- I'm perfectly fine and have been for several years now. I don't see any reason to ever mention to anyone I ever went through that hell.

I'm curious - how can you call yourself "managed" if you're not seeing a doctor, a therapist, or taking medications? My understanding of the term "managed bipolar" is that you have a psychiatrist who is prescribing the appropriate medications and you may or may not have a therapist as well. Your post is confusing to me.