dealing with my ex, my first love

[ChrisMc]

Hey all, I'm here to tell my story and get some thoughts/advice. If this is a little long and bloated, my apologies, but I have a lot to say.

 

My ex and I started dating two years ago, July 13th, 2008. At the time I was a very dumb 25 and she was a very energetic 19. We met at work and though the relationship was casual for the first few months we fell DEEPLY in love.

 

Up to this point in my life, I had never experienced true love, nor did I really want to. I had infatuation, lust, etc. But love? Nope. I'm an only child from divorced parents, with an estranged father, so I have a lot of baggage, and before her, I wasn't exactly kind to the women I'd been involved with.

 

The age difference wasn't as big an issue as you'd think. We live in Canada, so at 19 she could still go to bars and we had a lot of fun. She had led a much more experienced life than me, and we always joked with friends that while there was a six year age difference, emotionally, we were right on the same level.

 

During our relationship, we talked often and openly about things like marriage, children, and our lives together. She planned to be a dentist and I was ready and willing to sacrifice during this time, knowing I would be carrying a large financial burden.

 

Having said that, there were definitely rough points. Two times during this, she lost her job (got fired), mostly because she wasn't a good employee, and during both times, I not only helped her pay a lot of her bills, but did my best to carry her emotionally when she was often down, depressed, and without much motivation (at various points, she stopped applying for jobs and would just wallow in her room all day, and I would send her resumes out for her, staying late at the office to do so). She ended getting a great paying job. My point in mentioning all this though is that there were many points where she was absolutely miserable to be with, where I thought "I dunno how to get through this", but I stuck it out, because while we weren't engaged, I felt like we had made a committment to each other and I wasn't going to be a man like my father and run away from things when they got rough.

 

But we would often fight over small stuff. We are both quite stubborn and she would nag me quite a bit. I didn't move out of my mother's house until recently (very much a mommas boy, which might be a part of all this), and she would often complain that she was turning into my mother by asking to do minute choirs like put the toilet seat down, put the lid on the tooth paste etc.

 

The last two months saw a lot of fighting. She moved with her family to the complete opposite end of the city (we previously lived within 15 mins of walking distance) and this had a negative effect. In order to see each other, especially during the work week when we were both quite tired, it would take a lot of effort, and she wasn't putting much in. I grew quite resentful and to an extent stopped making an effort, and well, you can imagine how that went.

 

After a small, but typical fight on Canada Day (July 1st), she came to my office the next day and told me she "couldn't do this anymore" and she wanted space to "get her life back". She claimed she was tired of fighting and wanted to get back to a happy place for herself. While I was angry she was quitting on us, I understood her point. She said she didn't want to be with anyone else, but understood that I had to do what I had to do. She said she would continue to wear the necklace I got her on our 1st anniversary and that as long as she had it on, I had her heart.

 

Well, I ****ed up bad. Instead of giving her the space she asked for, I became clingy, needy, and would call her all the time to rehash the same old things ("do you still love me", "is there someone else"), etc. This got her quite mad because I wasn't giving her the one thing I said I would, and only pushed her away further.

 

About two weeks back, she came by my new apartment to check it out. This was a place we looked at together, even though she wasn't going to be officially moving in, because I knew she'd spend a lot of time there and wanted it to be some place she liked too. We had a nice chat not about our relationship, she gave me a hug and kiss, and went on her way. I felt really good about things, not just in the sense of getting her back, but in general, being on good terms with her.

 

Later that night, I saw her at the club with her friends looking great. I was there with a female friend she knows, strictly platonic, but had a meltdown seeing her without the necklace, and proceeded to go home and for 24 hours try to drink the pain away (/drink myself to death). I called her in the midst of this, trashed out of my mind, and begged her for to come back to me. She said she was tired of this, that while she loved me, she wasn't "in love" with me anymore, and I needed to back off.

 

I woke up that Monday feeling only somewhat bad physically, surprisingly so, but emotionally, knowing I hurt her again, awful. I decided that I needed to give her the space she wanted, and wrote her a very long email saying as much, letting her know I wasn't going anywhere, that I believed in us, and that until she told me it was over, that I would be here. I asked if she felt like there was no hope for us, to show me the respect of telling me so that I wouldn't be sitting around with false hope.

 

While I didn't ask for a response, or ask any questions, I figured, if she cared at all, she'd say something. Nope. After that she untagged herself from all of the pics of us on Facebook and deleted the photo albums of our trip to Cuba in January.

 

I really hit a new low here, and I have begun to realize, it's over. She has yet to say so, but actions speak louder than words, and her actions all say, she's moved on and doesn't want this anymore.

 

I have not spoken to her in two weeks, trying to maintain NC, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that she is The One for me, and what we have can work.

 

What do I do?

 

Based on what I have described, am I in denial with the hope that there is still some chance?

 

All of our friends are telling me that she doesn't deserve me, that she is being unfair, but I cannot turn my heart off, I cannot not love her.

 

Help

[Don Ho]

She has yet to say so, but actions speak louder than words, and her actions all say, she's moved on and doesn't want this anymore. I have not spoken to her in two weeks, trying to maintain NC, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that she is The One for me, and what we have can work. What do I do?

 

Well my friend, I know you don't want to hear this, it is over and she is done. Like you said, actions speak louder than words and hier actions show that she is done. You know in your "heart of hearts, that she is The One for me, and what we have can work"? Bro she is finished with the relationship and has moved on. YOU cannot make it work, only SHE can do that and SHE is unwilling to do so. It DOES NOT matter how much YOU love her or that you believe that she is THE ONE for YOU. It only matter how SHE feels, and, unfortunately for you, SHE does not feel the same about you. All you can do is go NC and move on. Hang in there, it gets easier.

[flyguy23]

My situation is similar, she was my first love etc. I want to make it work out but it seems she has given up on me. She hasn't tried to talk to me in a week and she seems happy with her life without me, while I am sad and lonely without her. Her actions say she doesn't care about me nor want me. So I just have to accept it and move on.

[ChrisMc]

My situation is similar, she was my first love etc. I want to make it work out but it seems she has given up on me. She hasn't tried to talk to me in a week and she seems happy with her life without me, while I am sad and lonely without her. Her actions say she doesn't care about me nor want me. So I just have to accept it and move on.

 

It's very hard. I don't know about you, but I had already pictured my life with this person, so the idea of it without her is crippling.

 

What's also hard is I don't feel any closure from her. Last time we spoke she still referred to it as a "break", yet everything she is doing says it's over, as I said earlier. It's painful to know she doesn't have the guts to tell me so, but some people deal in different ways than others.

 

I am going to remain in NC for my own sanity. I spent too many nights on the phone with her and not once did it do me any good.

 

I would love nothing more than for her to come back to me, but all the signs say it won't happen.

[ChrisMc]

So I sent my ex a text last night, commenting how disappointed I was in her that she deleted all pics of us off her FB.

 

Petty? You bet.

 

Weak? I know.

 

What can I say, I wasn't able to contain myself.

 

And sure enough, no response.

 

It's becoming more and more clear to me that she is 100% moved on, so it's time I do as well.

[Don Ho]

Chris, s$$t happens. That's ok. It would have been better if you came here and vented instead of texting, but keep that in mind for next time. Maybe that's what it took for you to let go. So start moving on bro, you will get better and it will all be fine.

[flyguy23]

It's very hard. I don't know about you, but I had already pictured my life with this person, so the idea of it without her is crippling.

 

What's also hard is I don't feel any closure from her. Last time we spoke she still referred to it as a "break", yet everything she is doing says it's over, as I said earlier. It's painful to know she doesn't have the guts to tell me so, but some people deal in different ways than others.

 

I am going to remain in NC for my own sanity. I spent too many nights on the phone with her and not once did it do me any good.

 

I would love nothing more than for her to come back to me, but all the signs say it won't happen.

 

 

 

Yes we always talked about marriage, starting a family etc, and she is also saying she just needs a break and maybe we can try again and stuff like that but I don't want that at all. Her actions def tell me she is enjoying her life without me and moving on. It sucks a lot for me right now