I have no clue

[spacedowt]

But all of you here seem wise, I've been reading this forum for a while, and seeing as I'm in complete turmoil everyday of my life over whether to stay with my husband or go...I need to get as much advice as I can because I'm at a complete loss so please respond if you can. So here goes...

 

My husband and I met in college and dated for a I'd say about seven months or so then he joined the army. Since he joined the army he left school and went through basic and other training that kept us apart. I was madly in love with him though and we wrote eachother constantly during basic and then when he went to AIT we talked on the phone whenever we could. He visited a couple times during this period, and though I loved him still, I could tell that things were changing between us, on my end anyway. I think I knew that I didn't feel the same about him as I did, but I loved him too much and he is amazing so I didn't even think of breaking things off.

 

During basic we'd spoken a bit about getting married, something I hadn't even ever thought about, didn't even know if I believed in marriage for a myriad of reasons, but I loved him and it seemed romantic and I seriously considered it.

 

So fast-forward a couple of months and he asks me to marry him, and I say yes. But as it comes close to the time I feel really anxious and uncertain about making that leap...for one it was mostly because he was being stationed far away and we didn't want to break up, so for me to come with him, we needed to get married. I had a bevy of misgivings. Friends told me not to do it...and I was genuinely uncertain, but I'd just graduated college and I loved him and I figured why not?

 

So we get married (at a courthouse with only my sister and mother in attendance) and then the drama starts. We get married in March of '09- and he doesn't tell his family. Now we did discuss him and his family before hand, and whether he should tell or not. My mother, my friends and I begged him to be truthful to his family, but he was too afraid of what they would say, or that they would think we were rushing (which we did).

 

Long story short, he eventually told his father who told him not to tell his mother because it would break her heart. His father also called and told me I was a golddigger in so many words (I assure you I am not, especially since he has no gold to dig and is not the best with money) and his father also yelled at my mother and disrespected her. To this day, a year and a half later, no one but his father knows we are married. This took a toll on me.

 

Add to that, he was deployed for a year during which I battled depression and lonliness a million miles away from home (not his fault, he was serving his country). Now that he's back, I don't enjoy sex with him at all, and though I love him sooo much, I don't know that I have strong romantic feeelings for him. But he is a sweet man and a great man and he's respectful and supportive, and other than lying to his parents and family about out marriage he has never really done anything to hurt me.

 

I find myself thinking about other men, and though I've never cheated I don't want to be that way in a marriage, looking at other men because they're more physically appealing to me, though my husband isn't ugly--far from it--he doesn't do "it" for me anymore. But like I said I love him and am scared to leave. I don't know what to do. My parents/family tell me to stay because he's the best man I'll find. He doesn't cheat or hit me and he isn't mean, but I don't want to be unfair to him and his desires...he loves sex and I would be fine never having it again.

 

Also, I gave up my apartment, car/job everything to move with him, I don't currently work and that's taking a toll on me too. I've looked for work and haven't found it, and then I stopped looking because I didn't even know if I was going to stay in this city. I miss working and going to school and being independent. He takes care of me financially but that's no reason to stay with someone and I never want to have a man supporting me when I don't even know if he's "the one".

 

I just don't know whether to stay or go. I do love him and love spending time with him, but things just don't feel right. I need some advice from someone other than my friends and my parents. If you made it through this long a$$ read, please respond. Ask questions too if anything's unclear. I need help. I can't eat or sleep, my stomach hurts everyday as I try to decide.

 

I'm 24 by the way. Thank you again for reading.

[tojaz]

Hi Spaced welcome to LS.

 

What a tough predicament your in. I read your story and can't really get a feel for what your looking for. Do you want to save your marriage? or are you looking for advice for leaving?

 

I know your confused, you say you love him but aren't attracted to him anymore. Are you looking to rekindle the marriage? When did these feelings start? Triggers?

 

I guess I'm saying we could use some more detail to try and help.

 

TOJAZ

[spacedowt]

Thanks for the reply, tojaz.

 

I guess I don't know whether or not my marriage is worth saving. I know marriage is worth saving for intrinsic reasons, but we never had a solid foundation to begin with so I don't know whether or not we're even meant to be together.

 

He's a good man who takes care of me but romantically we don't click at all. He always wants sex and I just don't feel romantically attracted to him and I don't know that I ever will. So I guess the question is, do I stay because some people say sex isn't that important--though I think our discordant libidos will catch up to us in the end and I don't want to waste ten years or more waiting for that to bring us down--or do I go because I don't think it's fair for him to have to beg for sex, and it's not fair for me because I don't enjoy it.

 

I love him dearly but I know that love isn't always enough. I find myself attracted to other men and I wonder whether or not I am meant to be married at all.

 

My misgivings about the marriage were there from the start, and I married him because I was young and dumb and had never really seen anyone married or in a lasting relationship for that matter, and I don't think I took the vows seriously. I will say that I was happy on our wedding day, but once the trouble with his family started I think the rift originated and I can't get over that betrayal. I feel like a secret he doesn't want to reveal to his family, and though now he's decided to tell his mother that we're married I no longer care that anyone know since we're half way on the rocks anyway.

 

I at one point BEGGED him to tell his mother, a year ago I begged him, and he didn't do it. Now I don't care and now I find that my emotions are slowly dying off. I think what keeps me with him now is that I'm comfortable with him, I do love and care for him, and I don't want to hurt him. I even told him that I could almost spend an eternity unhappy as long as he didn't suffer for a day. I can handle sadness and misery, I don't think he can, and that scares me.

 

What's more, I'm scared to get out on the world on my own. I used to be very independent and now I'm in this state of being used to being taken care of and though I don't like that fact, I'm really frightened of going off on my own in this economy with nothing to call my own. I would NEVER stay with him for the money, but since he isn't horrible and he treats me pretty good, I wonder if I would be stupid to leave.

 

I don't know if that shed any more light on the situation, if it didn't I'll try to explain or answer any more questions about the situation.

[habs53]

Hi, my wife felt the same as you. She moved out and now is more miserable than before she left. She has no idea i know this but her bosses husband told me. She wanted to see if the grass was greener. Well, its not.

She is not welcome back here, and best not waste her time asking me.

Please think seriously about what you want to do.

[spacedowt]

HABS53,

Thanks for the reply though it was kind of harsh:)

 

However, I'm not wondering if the grass is greener, in fact, I know it will definitely be harder without him in every way! I'm sure you married your wife under much better circumstances than mine, and though I mentioned other men, I assure you hooking up with "hotter men" is none of my concern. I just want to be certain that the man I am to be with for the rest of my life is the right one.

 

I have a pretty good life by all appearances, my hubby makes good money, takes care of me, doesn't make me work, and is supportive, but he deserves all of my devotion and I'm not sure I can give it to him forever, like marriage intends. Believe me I'm thinking long and hard about this decision, and I predict being miserable because life is always harder on your own...if I decided to leave.

 

I've told my husband everything I've said here by the way. He knows I'm thinking of leaving, I have always tried to be upfront with him because I love him and am not trying to deceive him in any way.

[tojaz]

Thanks for the reply, tojaz.

 

I guess I don't know whether or not my marriage is worth saving. I know marriage is worth saving for intrinsic reasons, but we never had a solid foundation to begin with so I don't know whether or not we're even meant to be together.

 

Firm foundations, hear that all the time here, heard it from my ex as well.

Thing people forget is that foundations are built just like everything above them. I like to think of New Orleans as an example. The place was built on a soggy swamp where most wouldn't want to build anything. But some french guy really wanted a city there, and so there has been for close to 300 years. Not a pointless history lesson but goes to the most important question.... its not if you were meant to be together, but what you want.

 

He's a good man who takes care of me but romantically we don't click at all. He always wants sex and I just don't feel romantically attracted to him and I don't know that I ever will. So I guess the question is, do I stay because some people say sex isn't that important--though I think our discordant libidos will catch up to us in the end and I don't want to waste ten years or more waiting for that to bring us down--or do I go because I don't think it's fair for him to have to beg for sex, and it's not fair for me because I don't enjoy it.

 

Well its true, sex isn't everything, its much more important to some then it is to others but its nothing to base a relationship or the demise of one on its own merit. If you don't enjoy it, it may just be about trying something different. I dont think this is all about sex though.

 

I love him dearly but I know that love isn't always enough. I find myself attracted to other men and I wonder whether or not I am meant to be married at all.

 

My misgivings about the marriage were there from the start, and I married him because I was young and dumb and had never really seen anyone married or in a lasting relationship for that matter, and I don't think I took the vows seriously. I will say that I was happy on our wedding day, but once the trouble with his family started I think the rift originated and I can't get over that betrayal. I feel like a secret he doesn't want to reveal to his family, and though now he's decided to tell his mother that we're married I no longer care that anyone know since we're half way on the rocks anyway.

 

I at one point BEGGED him to tell his mother, a year ago I begged him, and he didn't do it. Now I don't care and now I find that my emotions are slowly dying off. I think what keeps me with him now is that I'm comfortable with him, I do love and care for him, and I don't want to hurt him. I even told him that I could almost spend an eternity unhappy as long as he didn't suffer for a day. I can handle sadness and misery, I don't think he can, and that scares me.

 

Well Im hearing you say you love him, seeing that you care for him, but I'm also reading a lot of resentment for how he has treated you in relation to his family, and rightly so. Especially since it sounds like his family doesn't think too highly of you. That can be very hard on a person and create a lot of mixed emotions if the relationship is "right" (for the record, that resentment can also effect attraction as well). Not trying to wrap everything up in a nice little package, but something to look at as a possible trigger for some of your feelings.

 

What's more, I'm scared to get out on the world on my own. I used to be very independent and now I'm in this state of being used to being taken care of and though I don't like that fact, I'm really frightened of going off on my own in this economy with nothing to call my own. I would NEVER stay with him for the money, but since he isn't horrible and he treats me pretty good, I wonder if I would be stupid to leave.

 

I don't know if that shed any more light on the situation, if it didn't I'll try to explain or answer any more questions about the situation.

 

It did shed a lot of light on things Spaced, I hope I was able to help some although it sounds like you are thinking things out on your own pretty well. Your right, it isn't fair to anyone to stay just for the security he provides, but I think you know that already.

 

Dont be afraid to ask questions as well, there are a lot of smart people here who have been where you are or like myself on the other side of the equation. Be well Spaced

 

TOJAZ

[BetweenHere&There]

Hi Spacedowt - I noticed that you stated that you are 24....how old is your husband? I'm shocked that he wouldn't tell his family about you and I can understand how that would be a big issue.

 

A wife is not something that you just sweep under a rug, you have a right to be worried about that. Before replying more, however, I would like to get more information.

[Jilly Bean]

How sad that at 24, you've already given up on your own happiness.

 

I'm not sure why you're confused about staying with him. You're not in love with him, don't like having sex with him, and are overall miserable in the marriage.

 

It doesn't matter how much you love him, or how good he treats you.

 

Bottom line, you're not HAPPY.

 

Divorce him. Life is too short.

 

BTW, him not telling his family you're married is VERY suspicious...

[habs53]

HABS53,

Thanks for the reply though it was kind of harsh:)

 

However, I'm not wondering if the grass is greener, in fact, I know it will definitely be harder without him in every way! I'm sure you married your wife under much better circumstances than mine, and though I mentioned other men, I assure you hooking up with "hotter men" is none of my concern. I just want to be certain that the man I am to be with for the rest of my life is the right one.

 

I have a pretty good life by all appearances, my hubby makes good money, takes care of me, doesn't make me work, and is supportive, but he deserves all of my devotion and I'm not sure I can give it to him forever, like marriage intends. Believe me I'm thinking long and hard about this decision, and I predict being miserable because life is always harder on your own...if I decided to leave.

 

I've told my husband everything I've said here by the way. He knows I'm thinking of leaving, I have always tried to be upfront with him because I love him and am not trying to deceive him in any way.

Sorry, didnt mean to be harsh. Just stating fact. These decisions are never easy.

You keep mentioning how much you love him, you sound like a person in a midlife crisis at 24. Do you suffer from depression? Keep in mind, its not him that is making you unhappy. It is yourself. Will living alone help this?

[You Go Girl]

I want to focus on what kind of husband would refuse to tell his family for so long that he is a married man.

You're like chattel, but embarassing chattel? What kind of respect and admiration for you is that?

I think you are being used, owned, and you know it.

[Steadfast]

 

I want to focus on what kind of husband would refuse to tell his family for so long that he is a married man.

 

You're like chattel, but embarassing chattel? What kind of respect and admiration for you is that?

 

I think you are being used, owned, and you know it.

 

 

Any kind of betrayal or secrecy is an attraction killer. And sex is important; critically important. If you're not attracted it'll kill you. Were you ever?

 

There is a post here somewhere from a lady who cheated on her cheating hubby, couldn't stand the sight of him, but now because of counseling is happy to be feeling attraction again. It seems to me that female to male attraction is way more than what the wrapping looks like. There has to be a certain element of respect and admiration involved too. Look deeper.

[habs53]

I want to focus on what kind of husband would refuse to tell his family for so long that he is a married man.

You're like chattel, but embarassing chattel? What kind of respect and admiration for you is that?

I think you are being used, owned, and you know it.

You are right on this one You go. There is something wrong in this case. Not the typical walk away thingy. He is not giving her much reason to want to stay.

[spacedowt]

I can honestly say on my wedding day that I was happy to be getting married to my husband, but yes, being hidden from his family has taken a toll on my emotions and undoubtedly sapped my attraction to him. He let his father manipulate him into keeping it a secret and I think it created a rift between us that I don't think we have the power to fix.

 

I don't want to make any excuses for me wanting to leave, I want only to understand why I want to leave and be sure that it's the best thing.

 

Thank you all for your responses as they have given me more insight than I had a few days ago.

 

I told him that I feel like this marriage is tainted, I like to do things properly as most of us in this world do, but when our marriage got off to such a bad and drama-filled start I think I subconsciously lost respect for our marriage.

 

I think it would help also if we didn't live a million miles away from everyone--family and friends, on a beautiful island a million miles away no doubt but believe me your surroundings start to not matter much when things fall apart in your personal life. Yet if we didn't live so far away I wouldn't feel so badly about leaving him here all alone with no one. I just told him I needed a break to figure out if we should be together.

 

In order to prevent him from having to live in the barracks if I leave I've agreed not to get a legal seperation if I do in fact go back to the continental U.S. to sort myself out, although I would like to have a legal seperation just for the sake of doing things properly.

 

I worry so much about him--I think at the expense of myself, but I don't know how to stop because although we have problems and I don't know if this marriage is meant to last, I love him and want to protect him.

 

Argh it's all so hard!! Not to mention the fact that my family does not support me leaving him so when I go home and move back in with my mother that will be another issue for me to face, my family's disappointment in me--whenever I talk to my mother about leaving she says that I've "always been a quitter" and that I need to just stick it out, and that loss of sexual attraction to one's husband is normal and I should get medical help. I know she's trying to help but I'm not sure she's right. Oh well, I guess I'll keep everyone posted on what I end up doing.

 

Thanks again for all the replies and I welcome more if anyone care to respond!!

 

 

You are right on this one You go. There is something wrong in this case. Not the typical walk away thingy. He is not giving her much reason to want to stay.

[willowthewisp]

I can honestly say on my wedding day that I was happy to be getting married to my husband So you were attracted to him once and you can be again

 

I don't want to make any excuses for me wanting to leave, I want only to understand why I want to leave and be sure that it's the best thing You don't KNOW why you want to leave or even if it's for the best and yet you are going to do it???????????????

 

although we have problems and I don't know if this marriage is meant to last, I love him and want to protect him. Nothing is ever meant to be, just like everything in life, if something is worth having you have to work at it.

 

Argh it's all so hard!! Not to mention the fact that my family does not support me leaving him Because they care about you, they don't want to see you make a mistake that will impact you the rest of your life and will be irreversible

 

I know she's trying to help or course, because she loves you, she is trying to help you see what you are doing, just like those of us on here are trying to too, even if what we say seems harsh

 

 

I'd just like to add in response to the above quotes - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????????????????????? I'm really confused by you, I'm not justifying what your H has done keeping you a secret etc, that needs to be addressed, but I can also see that you DO love your H.

 

I'm going to be blunt. I think leaving him will be the biggest mistake you ever make in your life. You see it here from time to time, people who have left then, when it is too late because the spouse has moved on, the trust has been broken, they regret it. You clearly love your H and if he is willing to go to MC to try and figgure this out, to fix it, then there is no reason it cannot be fixed. What do you have to lose by trying? Nothing right? You can only gain. Why don't you at least give MC a go and just see if your marriage can be repaired and better than ever before you throw in the towel? If it can't after trying everything, if you really have tried and it's impossible, then you will know for sure.

[Calendula]

It sounds to me like the love you have for your husband is more akin to love for a best friend or companion, rather than love for one’s partner. It is possible to love someone and leave them BECAUSE you love them and want the best for them, AND realize that you aren’t the best thing for them. Sometimes you have to leave, to let someone go, BECAUSE you love them, not because you don’t.

 

I agree with some of what has been brought up about starting the marriage off the way you two did – i.e. poorly. It sounds like you got married for logistical reasons, and are justifying not leaving for logistical reasons, RATHER than for emotional reasons or reasons based on what each of you two truly want from a long term relationship. Put these logistical-only reasons on top of the stress and dissent created by his issues with his family and not telling them about his marriage (this is BIG), as well as the stress associated with living so far away from all that you’ve known all your life, and it isn’t hard to see why your relationship has hit the rocks. Basing your life decisions on what makes sense logistically or is easy (relatively speaking) just doesn’t give the two of you (especially you) the emotional resources to weather the difficulties of both marriage and a foreign military posting. These problems you’re having now would have eventually surfaced (your initial doubts almost guaranteed it), but it sounds like it is happening sooner rather than later due to all the external sources of stress and discord in your lives.

 

DO NOT let your mother or anyone else (other than perhaps your husband) influence your decision regarding your marriage, in either direction. It is YOUR life, not hers/theirs, and only YOU can decide what will or will not make you happy. Continue to talk about it with your husband, but it is NONE OF YOUR MOTHER’S BUSINESS either way. Not when it really comes down to your long term happiness. You are the one who has to live with your decision, not her or anyone else (except your husband, that is).

 

In so many places in your two narratives you mention how you had doubts, and you still do. LISTEN to these doubts and feelings, even if they aren’t absolutely clear. Acknowledge and DEAL with such doubts instead of ignoring them. If you had paid attention to these gut feelings to begin with, you wouldn’t be in your current predicament. Sometimes your instincts know better than your logical mind what is best for you. Figuring out what your instincts are trying to tell you is the hard part, but you have to at least try in order for those instincts to do you any good. If you have even the slightest doubt that he is not ‘the one’ then he probably isn’t.

 

As I read what you’ve posted, I saw so many places where it seemed that what is keeping you from acting is primarily fear. Fear of the future, of the unknown, of loneliness, of the difficulty of starting again, of never being able to go back, of hurting those you love. Have you ever considered that by NOT acting you could cause an even greater hurt to someone you love, later on down the road? That by NOT acting you are still making a decision? That the future is still going to be unknown whether or not you stay with your husband? That the only thing worse than being alone (i.e. leaving your husband) is being lonely even though you are with him, and NOT being able to do anything about it? If you’re alone and lonely, at least you can search for someone new to match you; if you are lonely and with your husband, then you don’t even get this option (at least not unless you start an affair). It is as though you’ve let your fear of the future keep you from remembering what you were capable of in the past (you mentioned you used to be independent, had a job, etc.). Are you really so different a person now than you once were? If so, who do you want to be two years from now?

 

Quit being scared of the future. Rediscover who YOU are. Decide what you want and go get it. There is no Right or Wrong answer, there is only the answer that is best for you, what YOU decide will lead to your happiness. Only you can figure out what this answer is and how to get from where you are in your life to where you want to be. Don’t let your own fears or the opinions of others (such as your mother) get in your way of what you decide you want.

[spacedowt]

It sounds to me like the love you have for your husband is more akin to love for a best friend or companion, rather than love for one’s partner. It is possible to love someone and leave them BECAUSE you love them and want the best for them, AND realize that you aren’t the best thing for them. Sometimes you have to leave, to let someone go, BECAUSE you love them, not because you don’t.

 

I agree with some of what has been brought up about starting the marriage off the way you two did – i.e. poorly. It sounds like you got married for logistical reasons, and are justifying not leaving for logistical reasons, RATHER than for emotional reasons or reasons based on what each of you two truly want from a long term relationship. Put these logistical-only reasons on top of the stress and dissent created by his issues with his family and not telling them about his marriage (this is BIG), as well as the stress associated with living so far away from all that you’ve known all your life, and it isn’t hard to see why your relationship has hit the rocks. Basing your life decisions on what makes sense logistically or is easy (relatively speaking) just doesn’t give the two of you (especially you) the emotional resources to weather the difficulties of both marriage and a foreign military posting. These problems you’re having now would have eventually surfaced (your initial doubts almost guaranteed it), but it sounds like it is happening sooner rather than later due to all the external sources of stress and discord in your lives.

 

DO NOT let your mother or anyone else (other than perhaps your husband) influence your decision regarding your marriage, in either direction. It is YOUR life, not hers/theirs, and only YOU can decide what will or will not make you happy. Continue to talk about it with your husband, but it is NONE OF YOUR MOTHER’S BUSINESS either way. Not when it really comes down to your long term happiness. You are the one who has to live with your decision, not her or anyone else (except your husband, that is).

 

In so many places in your two narratives you mention how you had doubts, and you still do. LISTEN to these doubts and feelings, even if they aren’t absolutely clear. Acknowledge and DEAL with such doubts instead of ignoring them. If you had paid attention to these gut feelings to begin with, you wouldn’t be in your current predicament. Sometimes your instincts know better than your logical mind what is best for you. Figuring out what your instincts are trying to tell you is the hard part, but you have to at least try in order for those instincts to do you any good. If you have even the slightest doubt that he is not ‘the one’ then he probably isn’t.

 

As I read what you’ve posted, I saw so many places where it seemed that what is keeping you from acting is primarily fear. Fear of the future, of the unknown, of loneliness, of the difficulty of starting again, of never being able to go back, of hurting those you love. Have you ever considered that by NOT acting you could cause an even greater hurt to someone you love, later on down the road? That by NOT acting you are still making a decision? That the future is still going to be unknown whether or not you stay with your husband? That the only thing worse than being alone (i.e. leaving your husband) is being lonely even though you are with him, and NOT being able to do anything about it? If you’re alone and lonely, at least you can search for someone new to match you; if you are lonely and with your husband, then you don’t even get this option (at least not unless you start an affair). It is as though you’ve let your fear of the future keep you from remembering what you were capable of in the past (you mentioned you used to be independent, had a job, etc.). Are you really so different a person now than you once were? If so, who do you want to be two years from now?

 

Quit being scared of the future. Rediscover who YOU are. Decide what you want and go get it. There is no Right or Wrong answer, there is only the answer that is best for you, what YOU decide will lead to your happiness. Only you can figure out what this answer is and how to get from where you are in your life to where you want to be. Don’t let your own fears or the opinions of others (such as your mother) get in your way of what you decide you want.

 

Thank you soooo much for this reply, you were right on the nose with everything you said, so much so that it's scary:)

 

He and I have an open dialogue about the situation, and I know now that as soon as I best the fear that has been dictating my life for almost two years, I'll make a decision that will be the best for both of us.

 

I promise to update my situation when it changes for anyone who cares to know about it, thank you all again!!