His ex is getting to me

[Juliebug]

Hey everybody,

 

been reading along without getting involved until now, but it's time to share my story and hopefully get some feedback.

 

I (20) met my boyfriend (23) in December '09 while volunteering abroad. We spent about three months together before I had to return to my country. The time together was wonderful, even though we moved a bit too quickly for my taste. However, he never gave me a reason to feel uncomfortable. The only thing that bothered me was his ex, who would contact him every now and again and who is still in touch with his mother and his sister, who love her, apparently. He would constantly reassure me and tell me that he was done with her and that she just won't leave him alone. I met a bunch of his friends who all told me that she was a manipulative and crazy b*tch, so I managed to push this issue aside.

 

Fast forward to today - We've been in a LDR since the end of March and it's been rocky, but we managed to make it work. Met up once, even though we're both struggling with finances. We've been talking about her every now and again, but he always tried to end those conversations as quickly as possible. One day, he casually mentioned that she is now pregnant and engaged to the guy she supposedly cheated on him with.

 

Now, I assumed that she would leave us alone already, but she continued threatening to contact me and break us up (according to my BF). She would also write things on his facebook wall (Facebook - The source of all evil) along the lines of "You told me you were single - Want to have it every way, do you?" or comment on his photos ("Want to recreate what we had?"). He deleted her as a friend after this.

Personally, I never heard from her, so I started thinking that she was all talk and would eventually get bored and get away from him / us.

 

Today, she contacted me. This is the e-mail:

 

"Firstly, can I just say that if you show this to A. he will try and persuade you that it isn't true. I have other witnesses here however that can back-up what I'm saying....

 

I'm really sorry to be sending this email, I have tried for a long time now to convince A. to treat you better and to leave me alone but I'm afraid I am at the end of my tether with him.

 

Since last year I receive daily dozens of texts and phone calls from him. This includes the times that you were together in Ireland despite me repeatedly asking him to stop contacting me and to be good to you - at one stage I had to confirm with his mother that he was even dating you as the texts he was sending me were totally inappropriate in that circumstance. A lot of his calls are sent late at night when he is drunk or stoned and I'm sure you can imagine what he is after then....

 

Daily, he says that he wants to get back together. He always says that, and this is a quote from his text "she is a lovely person but she is not you S.". I'm sorry J., but this is not the first time that he has done this. Whilst dating me he slept with a girl called XY who emailed me on Facebook to let me know what he was up to behind my back. Here is a quotation from her email regarding the "lying lepprachaun (XY phrase)" "A. is the only mad messed up person here, we were just mad for trusting him.".

 

He is in constant touch with my Mum telling her how much he wants us to get back together... he is even considering moving to XY so that he can be closer to me and my family. Please J., don't let this happen whilst he is stringing you along.

 

This morning I questioned why he didn't go to Germany to visit you seeing as he is somewhat at a loose end here and his response was that he doesn't speak good enough German. No offence J., but you have no idea what you have let yourself in for and what he is getting up to behind your back.

 

I have threatened A. for months now with emailing you but I had hoped the whole time that I wouldn't need to, however after the last couple of days I want to hit my head against a wall as the problem of A. just won't go away.

 

I'm really sorry about this, I have tried time and time and time again to get him to concentrate on you, but A. is an attention seeking, unfaithful, dillusional boy and unfortunatley with you in Germany this is giving him all the chances he needs to constantly text and phone me and I'm bloody annoyed with it right now. Every day I tell him to ignore me and text you instead and every day nothing changes. I have had to change my number twice since we split up in order to avoid being harrassed.

 

J. I can't tell you what to do, but I can promise that this has happened before with A. He cheated on his ex, he cheated on me and he is doing the same with you.

 

My apologies for sending this email, I hope you understand that I had no other option or way of making A. back off."

 

(Shortened version - Sorry it's still so very, very long.)

 

Now. He told me everything from the perspective of the harrassed ex, but there is no way to be sure that he is telling the truth - It's killing me. He always treated me well and I'm madly in love with him, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified about being the naive rebound (as if all this mess isn't enough, he is also my first BF and I have no idea how to deal with all this: LDR, his ex, his family who can't stand me, etc.). All the people I met who knew this girl told me that she was insane, but then again, they are his friends and would never make him look bad.

 

If you managed to read through all this, thank you very much. Do you see something I don't? Am I too close to the situation to see the blatantly obvious? I could really do with some help here. Thanks.

Edited August 24, 2010 by Juliebug

[Aurora13]

Wow. This whole mess aside, I would say cut your losses with this guy. His family doesn't like you - and that's a sign that this won't ever work (unless his family is just nuts and super dysfuntional). With regards to all of the so called 'crazy ex' - I'm with a man who I'm truly worried might be stabbed by one of his exs if he is ever seen with me by her. But that's because I'm 13 years younger than her, and she's an alcoholic who threatens suicide and all.

 

You have to ask yourself though and really be honest - do you trust this guy? Has he ever given you any reason to distrust him? Because if he has then it's likely he's lying to you and that he knew this would happen so he planted lies ahead of her.

 

Otherwise if you do feel he's trust worthy ask one of his female friends or a gf of one of his friends about whether it's true he cheated on the ex. If not then I would ignore the email as the last graspings of a desperate woman. But to be honest she just sounds pissed off, not desperate. I would be suspicious too.

 

Whether or not it's true though, I'd get out of there fast. His family doesn't like you and its never really a good sign for a long-term relationship if the family hates you.

[Juliebug]

Thank you for your feedback

 

I suppose the reason his mum and his sister don't like me is that they're still friends with his ex. I actually stayed with them at the end of my time in his country and they've always been polite - Only when I was back home did I find out that they talked badly about me behind my back. To be honest, I don't really care about it; Our chemistry is way too good to let them spoil what we have. He doesn't get along with them anyway, so I doubt that it will have a big impact on the relationship. It's just another thing to worry about in the situation I'm in right now, you know what I mean?

 

I want to trust him. It's just that this mail has caught me off guard and I'm not sure if it's just her being vicious and trying to ruin his new relationship (that's what the previous facebook comments sounded like) or if she actually has a point. No matter how well you think you know somebody, you can never be absolutely sure about what they did before you met them. I feel very comfortable around him though, and I find it hard to believe that she's trying to help me because she's oh so kind and genuine.

 

Ah, I really don't know what to think. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

[meerkat stew]

In your shoes, I'd copy the Email to him and CC her AND her fiancee/husband on it. Would include "What the hell is going on here?" in the subject line or body intro, and see what replies result. You just don't have enough direct information to know what the truth is and need to be a witness to a conversation between them to start getting to the truth.

[Maggotface]

Ugh WAY too much drama. I would honestly cut your loses and get far away from both of them, this relationship is going to be nothing but trouble and frustration.

[NYCmitch25]

Ugh WAY too much drama. I would honestly cut your loses and get far away from both of them, this relationship is going to be nothing but trouble and frustration.

 

 

And the award for the best advice of the night goes TO ... "Maggotface"..

[Juliebug]

Ugh, I don't know...

 

If she is lying, I would do exactly what she wants by walking out on him. As I said before, others described her as manipulative; It seems like she knows exactly what to say to make me doubt his commitment. Breaking up would feel a bit like "losing", like giving up and letting her get her way.

 

I'm moving to England to go to Uni in September. It will still be a LDR, but at least we will be in the same country, about 2 hours apart. I'm not going because of him, that's just a pleasant side effect.

 

I love him - We get along so well when we're together. Breaking up because of all the drama would be the easy way out, but would it be the right way?

[Citizen Erased]

If she has witnesses, perhaps you should ask her to get them to prove it.

[Eeyore79]

In my experience, you should cut your losses if things get dramatic; personally I just can't be bothered with the hassle.

 

If you genuinely want to continue with this relationship, your bf needs to cut all contact with his ex, and he needs to politely request that his mother and sister do the same because it's inappropriate of them to remain in contact with his ex. You'll find out very quickly where his priorities lie; if he refuses to cut her off then he values her more than you.

 

I think meerkat's suggestion is a good one - cc the email to your bf, the ex, and the ex's new partner with a comment asking what the hell is going on, and see what results. I think it's reasonable for you to ask to see his phone bill in order to disprove what she's saying; if he has nothing to hide then he'll happily show it to you just to prove her wrong.

[angie44]

Theres nothing like a big net full of lies, deceit drama and mistrust and being caught up in it!

For your own sake you do need to find out the truth ...somehow...only you know how to do this.

 

If this guy is doing what his ex says, then he is one manipulative and cold person to be able to lie and deceive you in such a way, and if its not true then the same applies to the ex.

My stbx was seeing someone behind my back, yet he was so cool, calculated and convincing...he believed his own lies to the point it was truth to him. He denied his affair stating it was only a casual fling whilst we had a separation, but it didnt add up to me, and he was VERY convincing in his lies that I thought it might be true, but my niggling doubt made me like hound on the hunt.

I got his fone records and this womans number and contacted her, and found out the whole truth, subsequently I am now getting divorced, only been married a year.

So honey, you need to find out the truth, but I wouldnt be so open about it so that people can prepare and throw you off the scent.

Be a a Miss Marples, and find out the truth, and it will set you free from all this mess.

good luck

[Juliebug]

Brilliant advice - Thank you, everybody!

 

Finally calmed down a bit, talked to a couple of people. The way I see it, I can't win; If I break up with him and she lied, I will lose a great relationship. If I hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil, I might end up being the stupid, naive idiot who should have seen it coming.

 

I will ask him to change his number. If it's true that she's harrassing him, the problem will be solved by this. If he refuses, that would be highly suspicious. He should be more than willing to put my mind at ease by doing this and perhaps showing me his phone bills. I don't want this to get the best of me, I don't want this to stand between us, and I guess that at this point - Now that those words are stuck in my head - he needs to go the extra mile.

[Ellezz]

I'd say the ex is lying. Who would write a super long email just to warn another girl who is not even a friend? She is obviously just trying to break you up and it worked since you're having doubts now. And if she is not interested in him like she said, how to explain her wall posts? she is crazy:confused:

Plus, who do you trust more, your bf or the ex?

[Maggotface]

And the award for the best advice of the night goes TO ... "Maggotface"..

 

 

Yay! Any updates on this?

[Flavia]

I'd say she is stalking/lying. Its too contrived. That poor man!

[freestyle]

There's one thing in this quagmire that sticks out to me.

 

The exgf complained that your bf is actually the one who's been calling her texting her, emailing her, skywriting messages in the air above her house..........

 

She claims he's been doing that and driving her up a wall for how long??

 

She said "since last year".........

 

If it was that much of a nuisance to her---then why didn't she change her number, or block him?

 

I would respond back to her politely, and explain that since you don't know her, and therefore have no reason to trust her, would she mind providing actual evidence of him contacting her? She could forward one of those texts, or emails, and back up what she's saying.

 

If she's on the level, and truly has your best interests in mind, then I would presume she'd be more than happy to provide concrete evidence.

 

I've been in a similar situation, when the female friend of my SO pulled me to the side to "warn' me about what my SO was "really like"....She claimed to be helping me in the name of sisterhood.

 

 

Turns out she was writing him love letters at that same time. Go figure.

 

Since that happened, I always look very carefully at the motivations of anyone who offers me unsolicited relationship advice, especially if I haven't known them very long.

[torranceshipman]

I REALLY don't think she is harassing him. Tell her you won't tell your boyfriend, but that you need to see other proof. You NEED to see what else she can show you...because I don't think she is lying - that seems like a) a heck of a lot to make up and type out to you for no reason, and b) if she was sending you that message to 'win' him, then I doubt she'd take such a risky approach that would leave her looking bad in his eyes.

Edited September 3, 2010 by torranceshipman

[Juliebug]

Once again, thank you all.

 

Well, I still haven't replied to her mail. It's not that I don't have anything to say to her - Trust me, I'd love to give her a piece of my mind! - but it would feel like playing into her hands in a way. If I did react to it, she would know that I am now doubting his honesty and thereby make myself vulnerable. Who are her so-called witnesses? She could just ask one of her friends to tell me the same bullsh*t all over again. I don't think that this can be resolved by talking to her. Or am I wrong here?

 

Freestyle - She claims that she changed her number multiple times. God only knows if this is true. But you are right - What exactly are her motives? Is she trying to warn me because she's oh so worried about me - Her ex-BF's new girlfriend who she doesn't know at all? Doesn't make any sense.

 

The way I see it, she is either an angelic humanitarian who wants to save me from this awful monster of a boyfriend (who happens to treat me very well - He must be a wonderful actor!) - Or she is a manipulative b*tch with too much time on her hands who simply wants to ruin his new relationship.

 

I think there's nothing I can do for now. I will have to wait till I'm in England so I can talk to my BF face to face. Skype doesn't quite cut it. Plus, I have to prepare myself for Uni. I decided to take a few steps back and see how he reacts to that. So far, he's been calling me regularly, texting me, etc. I can't quite believe he'd do that if he still had feelings for her. Then again, I don't have enough experience to figure this out by myself. Really appreciate all those responses, everybody!

 

Ugh, I wish I wouldn't have read that email.