I have to have dinner with my BF's EX tonight!

[Aurora13]

So tonight I am going over to my boyfriend's place to have dinner with him and a 'friend' of his and her fiance. This is my boyfriend of 4 years (off and on)

 

Backstory: A few years ago I studied abroad for a semester and for that semester my boyfriend and I took a break for a few months - we were still friends, still talked, still said I love you and all. But while I was gone he dated 4 other girls! I was in the middle east so I wasn't dating anyone but sort of had a few romantic moments with one gentleman whom I no longer talk to. He however while I was gone didn't tell me he was dating at all. And Until last december, 2 years later he didn't mention that a friend of his he goes to the gym with 1 or 2 a month was one of the women he dated. Now, I'm not against being friends and she's engaged so it's not like she's still shopping around or out to lure him back. And he did get back together with me and we're blissful together right now as life has settled down. I'm not angry he dated while I was gone - I sort of accidentally had some romance as well. But I'm a bit pissed he didn't tell me until a few months ago.

 

Recently, my boyfriend was buying a house - not with me or anything, but I'm likely to live there in the next year or so. He mentioned while out with her that he was buying a house and she invited herself to come with US to look at houses because she was thinking about looking for houses sometime soon. I had a problem with this, but the BF thought it was stupid because he doesn't think of house shopping as being intimate or anything special.

She ended up not coming with but I was kind of pissed that a woman I've never met who had sex with my boyfriend was inviting herself to house shop with him. I'm not that much of a fan of them going to the gym together once a month and playing squash.

 

I know they dated briefly, and once I got back to the States he stopped seeing all of the women he dated and he says none of them even compare to me. But the idea of having dinner with a woman who has likely had sex with my boyfriend in the same bed I'll be sleeping in tonight bothers me - A LOT.

 

Am I crazy? Am I being irrational in thinking that there's something a bit inappropriate about them hanging out so often? Her fiance seems to be fine with it but I still feel like this is going to be incredibly awkward.

 

Also WHAT DO I WEAR?!!!

[abouttoloseit]

 

But the BF thought it was stupid because he doesn't think of house shopping as being intimate or anything special.

She ended up not coming with but I was kind of pissed that a woman I've never met who had sex with my boyfriend was inviting herself to house shop with him. I'm not that much of a fan of them going to the gym together once a month and playing squash.

 

 

About the house thing, if it means something to you, then thats that. If he doesn't want to share/or have the same feeling about it, then what does that tell you? Personally, I'd be pissed if my s/o was still hanging out with someone she had sex with. Why? I don't know. It's the way we are wired. I actually had to endure one of my ex's being best friends with her ex. That didn't last long. Pissed me off we ended, but I couldn't live with that.

 

I wouldn't be a fan either of said person going to the gym. Ur not alone.

 

But, I can'tsee your relationship. I think discuss with him, certain boundaries. If you can't see eye to eye...

 

 

Am I crazy? Am I being irrational in thinking that there's something a bit inappropriate about them hanging out so often?

 

Also WHAT DO I WEAR?!!!

 

You're not crazy. NO NO NO. I thought I was, but you're not crazy, don't ever think that! WHat you are feeing I gues sis perfectly natural. You might get some on here telling you, that you're insecure...but it's all subjective, and people have different tolerances based upon their life story so far. Some are more extreme than others. My ex didn't mind me hanging out with my ex's (not that I did)...staying at their house, going out alone with them, or any other female for that matter as long as I didn't **** them. But I thought all of that was stupid. I digress...

 

It's all subjective. Is he worth having in your life, with all this going on? You gotta ask yourself. Or you could go all out Chuck Norris and side kick her face off.

 

ANd most importantly, I really don't know what you'd wear. Wear a bikini, at least then you're being original.

[lilyy.12]

you are not crazy for feeling like that

 

but u r for allowing

 

dude she is technically she laughing at your face that they slept together.

that does bother me cuz girls can be bitches && oh yes the thought does go thorough her mind that she made fool of you while u were out & u r bf is such a $%^&*

 

there is no commitment.im sorry.

[Eeyore79]

I think it's unreasonable for your bf to expect you to be friendly towards his ex. If he wants to maintain a friendship with her I'd say that's fine, as long as there are respectable boundaries, but he can't expect you to be friends with her too. He's way out of line by expecting you to have dinner with her. You need to put your foot down and say you don't want any contact with his ex; what he does is up to him, but he has to respect you enough to keep his friendship with her apart from his relationship with you. Tell him you won't be attending this dinner, and ask him in future to respect your decision not to have anything to do with his ex.

[PegNosePete]

My ex put my previous ex in a mental hospital the first time they met. I kid you not. I think that is a more appropriate thing to do, than have dinner together!!

[NightLight]

I can see it from your point of view, not wanting to meet the ex and everything. I am in a situation where my girlfriend hangs out with her ex's but doesn't want me to meet them at all. She says that it would be too weird to have her worlds collide in such a manner. I don't want to be BFF's with them or anything, far from it to tell the truth. I just want them to know that I exist.

[NightLight]

Oh yeah, and as far as what to wear, I say skank it up a little bit. Make sure your boyfriend can't keep his eyes off of you the whole night.

[PegNosePete]

I am in a situation where my girlfriend hangs out with her ex's but doesn't want me to meet them at all. She says that it would be too weird to have her worlds collide in such a manner.

Ouch. That's not right I don't think. She shouldn't be hanging around with ex's and forbidding you to be there! If she asks you along and you decline because it would be awkward, that is different. But you should definitely be invited. She is keeping secrets, even if it's all innocent, it's still secrets.

[NYCmitch25]

What's with these threads on LS, always acute diarrhea of the mouth. 90% of this dialog was redundant (to say the least). Anyway, almost everything you've stated in this thread is irrational - I know, I'm supposed to retort some final solution to your "burning" dilemma (or more like psychosis) with you following up with a "thanks" proceeded by you doing whatever the fu** you wanted to do in the first place.

 

However, let me spell this out for you - one, you guys had a distant relationship which basically nobody on LS has gotten the memo, almost never works out well. Though, when you see him in the States, you really want to be with him so now you have a "problem" with dealing with the consequences of your stint in a god for saken 3rd world country. In America we call that having your cake and eating it too.

 

Even more "exciting" are all of the responses of everyone else putting "themselves" into the situation in the most plain faced manor and tell you sh*t like "Oh dam girlfriend, dats not right.. yada yada". So defer to them, you seem like the type who only listens to the "right answer" meaning, the one which agrees with your original point of view. My answer, you need to get over your hang ups, people sleep with each other all the time, if you really have a problem with this, grow up and make it your problem and unplug from the situation, have cake another day.

 

PS> Where a brown potato sack.

Edited August 26, 2010 by NYCmitch25

[abouttoloseit]

What's with these threads on LS, always acute diarrhea of the mouth. 90% of this dialog was redundant (to say the least). Anyway, almost everything you've stated in this thread is irrational - I know, I'm supposed to retort some final solution to your "burning" dilemma (or more like psychosis) with you following up with a "thanks" proceeded by you doing whatever the fu** you wanted to do in the first place.

 

However, let me spell this out for you - one, you guys had a distant relationship which basically nobody on LS has gotten the memo, almost never works out well. Though, when you see him in the States, you really want to be with him so now you have a "problem" with dealing with the consequences of your stint in a god for saken 3rd world country. In America we call that having your cake and eating it too.

 

 

I agree with.

 

 

My answer, you need to get over your hang ups, people sleep with each other all the time...

 

Really? Every single person? I think her so called bf is having his cake and eating it too. Hanging out with a girl he has slept with, and having his gf too? (In that order) In the western world, this is apparently not acceptable for I asume, most. In this case I would say so. I think you're talking about boundaries.

 

Let's see, would you agree that it is acceptable for a guy and girl who have had a sexual relationship, continue to be good friends and hang out alone with each other, even though in this case, they are in a relationship with someone else? You'd probably say yes?

 

What about, during dinner...this couple with a sexual past, discuss what they did during sex, their positions, how long, how many times etc...whilst in the company of their S/O? I mean, lets think...they had sex, what harm is discussing it? Would you be comfortable listening to them if you were in the S/O's shoes? You should be, if you are willing to let them hang out. Hell, why not just let them have sex in front of you? They already did it once...why not again? It's just sex right? You, NYC, should be comfortable with this because "people sleep with each other all the time" right? Or would you not be comfortable with this? I take it you have a boundary?

 

I get the feeling users on LS are not allowed to show any kind of insecurity, for fear of being riddiculed, being told they are paranoid. My only question to those who say things about "insecure" people, is show me someone who has NEVER felt jealousy, or anger, or felt that they never want to make themselves look better, or care about how they look when they go out, someone who has never judged, critised, cared of what others think of them...and I think you will find yourself looking at a robot. Or a monk.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

I agree with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I get the feeling users on LS are not allowed to show any kind of insecurity, for fear of being riddiculed, being told they are paranoid. My only question to those who say things about "insecure" people, is show me someone who has NEVER felt jealousy, or anger, or felt that they never want to make themselves look better, or care about how they look when they go out, someone who has never judged, critised, cared of what others think of them...and I think you will find yourself looking at a robot. Or a monk.

 

 

AMEN to THAT!

[NYCmitch25]

I agree with.

 

 

 

Really? Every single person? I think her so called bf is having his cake and eating it too. Hanging out with a girl he has slept with, and having his gf too? (In that order) In the western world, this is apparently not acceptable for I asume, most. In this case I would say so. I think you're talking about boundaries.

 

Let's see, would you agree that it is acceptable for a guy and girl who have had a sexual relationship, continue to be good friends and hang out alone with each other, even though in this case, they are in a relationship with someone else? You'd probably say yes?

 

What about, during dinner...this couple with a sexual past, discuss what they did during sex, their positions, how long, how many times etc...whilst in the company of their S/O? I mean, lets think...they had sex, what harm is discussing it? Would you be comfortable listening to them if you were in the S/O's shoes? You should be, if you are willing to let them hang out. Hell, why not just let them have sex in front of you? They already did it once...why not again? It's just sex right? You, NYC, should be comfortable with this because "people sleep with each other all the time" right? Or would you not be comfortable with this? I take it you have a boundary?

 

I get the feeling users on LS are not allowed to show any kind of insecurity, for fear of being riddiculed, being told they are paranoid. My only question to those who say things about "insecure" people, is show me someone who has NEVER felt jealousy, or anger, or felt that they never want to make themselves look better, or care about how they look when they go out, someone who has never judged, critised, cared of what others think of them...and I think you will find yourself looking at a robot. Or a monk.

 

Well, there is a vast difference between "Every Person" and "some people" as well as "being in the same room" opposed to "and having sex in front of everyone". Certainly there is a line drawn here, and I understand and appreciate subjective views such as yours but honestly if you really decode the posters comments, she's telling us much more than simply she has fears. Conversely, most posters run to the aid of the thread starter, never giving them information they should probably hear unless it's blatantely obvious like someone starting a tread on how to cheat on their spouse.

 

To me, this person has unwittingly exhibited very irrational behavior, sure being around someone's ex can be subjectively uncomfortable to anyone but to have flings yourself and to know your SO did as well and then expect them to discontinue contact simply because you moved into their area is begging for trouble. ?? They had an open relationship, she's now trying to close it, and is going about it the wrong way. Sure it's fine to have fears but I'm (as a responder) not going to honor them blindly because they exist. I would prefer to stay above the fray.. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, she can ask her mommy.

 

I've really been much "worse" than this in other posts where I felt saying whats right trumps the feelings of the poster. Sure I could be labled as someone who tells everybody their opinion, one coming from a position of "always being right" but my record speaks to that postitively. I think you really have to look at the big picture, and I really disagree with your assertion that people are quick to knock down other peoples fears and concerns, conversely, I feel it's too far in the other direction, LS posters ONLY address the fears and concerns of others be it positively (mostly) or negatively.

[Aurora13]

- But I figured you guys would make up your own scenario. Like you did.

 

We as a couple have a kind of long and sordid history with each other that isn't worth being fully rehashed here. Understand there's a whole huge piece of the puzzle that adds a nearly soap opera-esque quality that isn't worth discussing. To add more dimension to the saga, I will tell you that I am 22 and he is 35.

 

I apologize for venting my thoughts and feelings here where by golly someone forces you at gun point to read and respond, NYCMitch. Because the forums about jealousy and cheating on Loveshack are never people whining. This is a serious place, for serious people, who are too sensible to have conflicting emotions about anything, ever. And these sensible people on LS, they're never confused and they've never done anything ill-advised in a relationship in their life! You're right, the internet should never waste electrons on people whining. PFFFEW! Now we can delete Angie's List, the better business bureau, and consumer reports straight out!

 

Short and redacted version of the history: We had been together for a year and 3 months, when I left on study abroad for 4 months. We lived in the same city during this beginning period. It was not a distant relationship. He had left for a month or so at a time, three times during that first year so I figured that leaving for 4 months wouldn't be that out of the question. The summer before I went to Dubai, my mother died unexpectedly from a stroke. I was 19 and left to plan a funeral and deal with the grief largely on my own. My BF at the time had been away on business and when he asked if he should come back and be with me, I told him not to. A few months later I went to Dubai alone (no friends with me). I had suggested the open relationship before I left because at the time I couldn't justify to myself making him wait for me when I wasn't sure I wanted to continue the relationship (due to the other issues going on). And when I came back adjusting to the states was incredibly difficult. My life had changed drastically from before, I was living on my own for the first time - in a large city (where my BF lived), I no longer had any real support system and I had no one really to talk to about it. But I'm glad I did the study abroad on my own - I'm a stronger, more resilient person for it.

 

It's true I wanted to have my cake (keep the boyfriend) and eat it too (go abroad and have an amazing experience). But alas, nothing in this world is simple - half of it is my fault for putting him into a position where I suggested something I deep down knew was going to hurt me. But, in hindsight he's also at fault for not recognizing how emotionally not all right I was and not seeing that I wasn't thinking clearly about the situation. And 1 makeout session with a guy who took me to his apartment while I was blacked out drunk in a muslim country where I would get arrested for reporting being accosted, doesn't really compare to having completely consensual sex with 4 different women. But that's beside the point.

I didn't like the idea of meeting her because of the memories and feelings she brought up in me, not because I resented her existence. Anyone he dated at the time, even if there hadn't been sex would've evoked that response in me.

 

But I digress, the dinner went well - I don't hate her at all, and while I know this is bitchy and catty to say, but of all the girls I've seen or met that he's been with, I don't really have any competition.

He and I have changed in some pretty dramatic ways, but despite not being the people we met almost 4 years ago (for the better I might add, both of us have been idiots and *******s) we've grown to love each other more and understand and accept one another for we were, are and will be. Love is a process of compassion and understanding on both ends. I'd like sometimes for him to understand that he has to be compassionate to me too and at least accept and accommodate my feelings on somethings even when he thinks they're irrational. But c'est la vie - now I've clarified to myself what my argument should be next time something like this happens.

 

The truth it seems is in between these two polar opposite opinions. Imagine that!

[abouttoloseit]

So...are you staying with him? Sorry to hear about your mother (

[Viking]

What did a 31 year old have in common with an 18 year old? Is he a father figure to you?