HopeLove Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I'm feeling the urge to contact him. I know I shouldn't. I know I should have move on by now (this wkend will be 4 months since he dumped me). He doesn't want to see me or talk to me. I guess the more he ingnores me the more I want to talk to him. I shouldn't care about him, just the way he doesn't care about me. Today my best female friend saw him on the street and they had a quick chat. They met only twice while we were together. She asked him how was he doing, he said was busy, blah, blah but then she asked him how his hear was so he told her he was still upset but when she said he should take the consequences than he gave her the impression he's sure about the split. He said the few times we saw eachother (always with other common friends) he felt something inside. I still don't want to accept he doesn't love me anymore. I still can't believe the way he treated me. One of the more painful things for me is he ingnoring me and he knows this behaiviour of him is very painful for me but since for him is the best way for him to move on, he does so, no matter how I feel. I don't know anymore what to do with my feelings. I wished I could store them in box and dig it in a garden but I can't. What should I do? Should I "forced" him to meet me? And then tell him what?, that I love and hate him? I'm driving crazy? Any advice?
LostInTurn Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I don't think you should reach out. You've come far, four months is a long time during something like this. Seeing him may put your right back where you started. I don't think you'd want that. As far as accepting he doesn't love you. That's a common thought, but we can't think about that. We can't wonder what they're thinking or feeling. We won't know. They won't tell us. Even if they did tell us, would they be honest about their feelings? Probably not. Your feelings are mixed right now; which is completely normal. You said you love and hate him. Normal. Obviously you don't know how you're really feeling. If you saw him, you'd probably cry, be happy to see him, then get angry, etc. Not a good idea. Being ignored. One of the worst feelings. My ex used to say 'Why are you ignoring me?!' if he asked me a question and it took me more than three seconds to answer. Hello, I was processing the question. I never ignored him. He ignores me now as your ex does. It's a terrible feeling. Why are they ignoring us? Who knows. Why does it matter? Would you ever ignore him if he reached out? Probably not. Would you be there for him if he needed you? Probably. Would you go see him if he called you crying. I'm guessing yes. These people are not doing the same for us. They're leaving us to our thoughts during a time when we need them the most. I hate writing this stuff. It makes it all more real that the people that left us really are insensitive. I remember a story my ex would tell me about one of his good friends. She was on and off with this guy for awhile. He treated her badly, yet she loved him... he supposedly loves her too (who knows) Anyway, they would break up, she would land herself in the E.R. from panic attacks. She would cry, etc. This guy would just live his life after the break up. She would always take him back. I think of this story often. I wonder to myself how my ex can know someone who endured such heartache, saw her fall to pieces... yet, know I feel exactly how she feels. I don't understand it. I never will. Take a step back and think about these things. Sit down for a minute and just think. Remember what everyone has said to you from your posts. Remember how you felt four months ago in relation to now. Think of all your progress. Don't lose sight of that. It's important. You're important. Someone isn't treating you fairly.
Author HopeLove Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 You are absolutely right L.I.T. I know he doesn't deserve me and is not worth of my tears but is like my mind and my heart are fighting against eachother. I guess you know what I mean. I'm not sure I haven't done much progress. A month ago I started a diary to write in every day how I feel about him and you know what? almost every day is the same crap. The difference I've noticed is that the first month I cried every single day and now is not so often and I think or like to think that after every low I have I recover faster though I think that 4 months should have been long enough to move on. After all the relationship went for 10 1/2 months, not years but well, I never loved anyone as much as I loved him so this might be the reason. If I'm going to see him I will feel exactly as you said but I'm already feeling like that!
LostInTurn Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 My relationship with my ex was the same length as yours. You cannot discount your feelings based on the length of the relationship. Feelings are feelings. There are no guides which say you can only feel a certain way if you've been with someone for a certain amount of time. I know how you feel. I never loved and did as much for someone as I did for him. I look back and hate myself for it. You think you feel the way you would feel if you saw him. You're saying you would cry all the time in the beginning, but not as much now. You would probably cry all the time again if you saw him. Seeing him is much more real than thoughts of a person. Seeing them brings the life back to the situation. It doesn't just make it something we are dealing with (if that makes sense. Not sure how to explain what I mean) As for the coping. Four months may not be enough time for you to say 'I'm done. No more'. You could wake up tomorrow and think that. You could wake up in one week and think that. No one knows the time frame for this. You have made progress though and that's the important part.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) I'm feeling the urge to contact him. I know I shouldn't. I know I should have move on by now (this wkend will be 4 months since he dumped me). He doesn't want to see me or talk to me. I guess the more he ingnores me the more I want to talk to him. I shouldn't care about him, just the way he doesn't care about me. Today my best female friend saw him on the street and they had a quick chat. They met only twice while we were together. She asked him how was he doing, he said was busy, blah, blah but then she asked him how his hear was so he told her he was still upset but when she said he should take the consequences than he gave her the impression he's sure about the split. He said the few times we saw eachother (always with other common friends) he felt something inside. I still don't want to accept he doesn't love me anymore. I still can't believe the way he treated me. One of the more painful things for me is he ingnoring me and he knows this behaiviour of him is very painful for me but since for him is the best way for him to move on, he does so, no matter how I feel. I don't know anymore what to do with my feelings. I wished I could store them in box and dig it in a garden but I can't. What should I do? Should I "forced" him to meet me? And then tell him what?, that I love and hate him? I'm driving crazy? Any advice? BIG HUGS TO MY GIRLS!!!! Love you both and I know that you guys are struggling, I am too, and I appreciate all your kind words to me. Let's take the ignoring first. It drove me crazy how he could just stop contact like that, after the constant routine of talking texting emailing every day all day. That takes a lot of getting used to, because it is a big change. And it is a blow to your ego because you can't get it in your head why he doesn't want you.... Hope - this is about you now. You can't contact him and look to him to validate you, tell you how great everything were, etc. because that is not his job anymore. I know you want to tell him all the "closure" things but you know that he doesn't want to hear them. I think that you just saying the words "I don't want to accept that he doesn't love me anymore" means that you are accepting it, but you are afraid to take the next step. This guy is not the one for you and he doesn't deserve all of the energy you are expelling on him. Put that energy into yourself, your life, your future. Don't cling to the past because you are afraid, there are so many better things out there for you Easier said than done ladies (and gents) xoxo Edited August 24, 2010 by bonpaw2008
Author HopeLove Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 BP you are very right too. I'm so glad I'm having your support. All this is so painfull. I also feel anger trapped inside me and this is no good. I know he doesn't want to hear anything but it's like doing yet another pleasure to him. Just leave him in peace... but what about me?
bonpaw2008 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 BP you are very right too. I'm so glad I'm having your support. All this is so painfull. I also feel anger trapped inside me and this is no good. I know he doesn't want to hear anything but it's like doing yet another pleasure to him. Just leave him in peace... but what about me? You - and we all - need to find that peace within ourselves. It is so hard to do when you are used to getting your validation from other sources and other people. It is a human reaction to feel good when other people like you love you respect you. I start everyday now with telling myself that I am the best, and that I will never give someone that much power over me to make me think that I am not. Also when I am struggling with NC I go back and re-read GrayClouds, Tara, Beeoych, BBoy, all of the great people here that are good at giving you a kick in the arse to get back on the right road.
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