Frequent visitor, first post. My story

[rattled]

Hey LS

 

I've been frequenting LS for close to a year now but never registered and posted until now. I've read many threads that give such insightful advice, especially on NC. But hopefully you guys can chime in and give a little advice to my specific situation. Hopefully it isn't too long and you guys can read through it. Here it goes:

__________________________________________________ ____________

I was dating my ex gf for close to 4 and half years before she broke it off with me out of the blue back in Sept 2009 (almost a year ago). Before that period we were (what I thought) close to a perfect couple. We hardly argued, always gave each other the freedom to do whatever we pleased, always took care of each other, constantly told each other how much we loved each other, the works. Early in the relationship I attended college away from home, where we began a LD relationship. It was never a problem for us because we trusted each other and visited each other often. 2 years later she joined me at the same college so it was awesome! She even moved into the same apartment building a floor above me when her sister came and joined us at the same college.

 

Fast forward to the first week of September 2009. It was the start of my last year in college and the last year before I moved to California to pursue more schooling and my dream career (I'm from Canada). When school started, I barely saw her because she wanted to go clubbing and partying with friends that entire week. Because we let each other have the freedom to go out without us being concerned, I thought nothing of it. One morning she called me early in the morning to tell me she was coming over to talk. She came over with typed 3 page note that she read to break up with me. Initially, I wasn't fazed at all and told her if that's what she wanted then I wish her the best. The day after she realized she was making a mistake and asked for the relationship back. However, the following next couple of weeks, I had hardly saw her because she was out drinking 4-5 days a week. She was an angel, never been the one to party hard or go drinking excessively so this foreign behaviour caught me off guard and made me extremely uncomfortable. I started seeing embarrassing pictures of her drunk and with other guys on Facebook, I had friends calling me to say "Hey, did you see those pictures of your gf??" We argued about it but she kept telling me that it's nothing and it's her life so she can do whatever she pleases and doesn't care what people think. I told her that I cared for her well-being and hated to see her spiral down into something I know she's not. Her behaviour and changed attitude broke my heart. I was never a priority to her anymore and my feelings and opinions meant close to nothing with her. After awhile I couldn't take it so I called it off in November. But before we let each other go we decided to have "good-bye sex" which was probably a bad idea. At this time I didn't even go NC with her. I thought it would be too hard because she lived a floor above me and the building only had one elevator and her sister is someone I bumped into frequently. So I thought just not talking as often and keeping things civil would be best (I was wrong).

 

4 Days after we broke up, I find out that she had gone over to her best (guy) friend's place and did things with each other. This best friend of her's was never a threat to me because I knew him for so long and knew that he was a good friend of my ex gfs. I was badly hurt when I heard this because I felt like she cheated even though "technically" we werent together. We constantly argued for the next month until we went NC for December and Christmas holidays where we returned home. After spending every holiday together for the past 4 years, I guess she found that not being together hit her hard (the feeling was mutual) so she broke NC and contacted me. We tried to work things out AGAIN. However, when we both returned back to school, her partying behaviour continued. We argued until February until I once again called it off. I began to realize that every time I break up, she wasn't fazed by it and it hurt me more. We tried to be friends for the next 2 months but found it very hard because i still loved her and cared for her so I constantly tried to get her old personality back. I finally went full NC in April of this year. I graduated from college this year, and she wasn't there to see it. It cut like a knife. I started to get my life back in order, started hanging out with old friends, working out, and moving on with my life.

 

June comes along and I found an email from my ex gf explaining how 2 months of not talking or seeing made her realize all the things she's done this past 8 months and how much she's hurt me and that she needed me back in her life. I didn't want to go back into the same cyclical problem so I said to her that if we were to be back in each other's lives that it would be on specific conditions that mainly outlined that she would not put me through or do anything remotely close to what she has done to me. She agreed. We didn't want to put a title on anything bc we knew that in the coming months it'd be our last chance to enjoy each other's company before I left for California. I wanted to make the best of it. So for all of June and July it was the best 2 months that we've had in awhile and I felt our relationship was renewed. Until the first week of August where I got her to admit that she had developed something with a coworker of hers that she had just met 2 weeks before behind my back. She told me that she didn't want what we had because she didn't want to be hurt when I left for california and now she had developed feeling for someone else. I was devastated. I went NC immediately for the past 3 weeks.

 

During this time of NC, I was planning and preparing for my leave when I started to get cold feet. I didn't know whether or not moving to California was what I wanted anymore because all my dreams and aspirations were developed with my ex gf in mind. The picture we painted in the past of our future lives together was not a reality anymore. However, I need to make a decision very soon as school is starting September 20th. I tried talking to family and friends about the situation but none could help me solidify a decision that made me happy. I wanted to talk to my ex because she was the one person that knew everything about me and about what I wanted and I just wanted her advice. So I decided to break NC (bad decision) yesterday just to see how she was and tell her my situation. I didn't want to get into any conversations about the new guy in her life or anything of that sort. But inevitably it happened and we the conversation went sour and last for 8 hours (yes i was on the phone with her for 8 hours straight). I told her that I wanted her back and that I would drop everything just to have what we had in the last 2 months and the last 4 years prior to the last year. She kept telling me she has nothing left for me and that her feelings were with someone else and that I should leave it alone. But I wouldn't believe her. The conversation finally ended and I'm left here without a decision and with little dignity left.

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Sorry if it's long - I'm hoping that some of you have read all the way through.

So LS what do I do??? I'm hoping that you guys would be my last resort. It's hard for me to move on without her in my life:(

[Don Ho]

You're left here without a decision?? WTF? She told you she doesn't have feelings for you, is seeing another guy and has feelings for him. I don't know how much more clearer she can make it. Bro there's nothing you can do but let go, move on and have no contact what so ever. That's the only thing you can do. Chasing her, professing your love, trying (in vain) to steal her away WILL NOT work. You're only choice is to move on. Remember, it is not how YOU feel about her or how much YOU love her, it's about how SHE feels about you. Sorry to say it bro, but at this point, she doesn't feel much. Get back up, dust yourself off and move on. Good Luck.

[Lost Fish]

Dude.

 

Wow... just wow.

 

Don Ho is right (as usual, lol).

 

I can tell you love her, but let's take a good hard look at how she treated you through this relationship. She may have loved you as well, but she certainly never respected you.

 

Going to California is the best thing you can do right now. I know it hurts like hell, but you have to put yourself and your priorities first. Something that she did through your relationship.

 

It's time to be selfish for once and stop sacrificing your own dreams and happiness to be with someone who is constantly disappointing you.

 

Let her go man. Accept the loss and start looking forward. There are better women out there (especially in Cali, lol) who will treat you with the maturity and respect you deserve. I know it might not seem like any woman can compare to her right now, but that's just your own heart wanting what is familiar. Get to Cali and start a new adventure.

 

That's an order son. Start loving yourself again.

[rattled]

Thanks for the responses guys. In a way I already knew the answers I would get but as always it's easier said then done.

 

And the reason why I didn't believe her when she said that she didn't have feelings for me is because when I called her, she told me how happy she was that I called and for the past 3 weeks there wasn't a day that she wasn't thinking about me. It really played with my emotions so that's why I couldn't let it go. It was the moment I started to tell her that I wanted her back that her attitude, tone of voice, and emotions changed towards me.

 

Not to mention she didn't know my exact leave date and she thought I called her to tell her that I was leaving yesterday (obviously I didn't). I asked her "what if i really was leaving today? Would you be singing a whole different song?" and she responded "Perhaps but that isn't the case anymore". So wtf is she saying? That if I was leaving she'd admit feelings for me? I'm just really confused.

 

Not to mention timing wasn't the greatest. I guess I really didn't have any other options to begin with. I was just looking for some support, I suppose.

[Lost Fish]

rattled,

 

Who cares about the timing?

 

I think you should thank God that all this isn't going down 2 months from now after you already blew your chance at California and your dream job.

 

As far as her singing a different tune - WHAT-THE-F@#K-EVER - she is using you as a sense of relief. She knows she treated you poorly, and she feels bad about it but the fact that you are swooning and calling her and saying things like "I'd drop everything for you" literally does TWO bad things: 1. It let's her off the hook, and 2. It makes you look weak and unattractive. And we both know that she didn't fall for the guy who'd bend over backwards for her.

 

I know it hurts. I know. And I've been in your shoes. But you really need to go NC as soon as possible, because you are so far away from the person you truly are that you aren't thinking straight.

 

I KNOW that if you stayed and then endured another 6 months or so of her selfish flakiness you'd hate yourself for missing this opportunity.

 

Don't call her anymore. Delete her number. If you need to send her a final goodbye email and say everything you need to say. Then leave the past behind you and look forward. Cling to NC like it's your lifeline.

 

The change in California will do so much good for you and will help heal your weary heart in no time. Trust me.

 

You can do this rattled. It is for the best.

 

Also, you being gone might actually save a future for you two down the road. I don't like to look at life in absolutes. Because life is actually funnier than we think.

 

But for right now you need to move on and move forward. Find a nice blonde California girl for me too while you're out there, lol.

Edited August 24, 2010 by Lost Fish
wording

[lalalandman]

hey man. I'm from SoCal, and I'll tell you, the girls in Cali are ****ing whoa. I suggest, for your own good, to just move on. Don't come here to settle down; come here to have fun. Just don't be looking for "the one" when you come to Cali because I think you'll find yourself miserable and disappointed. If she comes along, great, but just play it cool.

 

As for your Girlfriend, I mean, if she wasn't seeing someone else, and you felt she wanted something more, then I would say go for it. But she's seeing someone else, and that's just life man. One series of relationships after another. I would say move on dude. Go be selfish.

[BiAxident]

It would be one thing to get back together with her, but to set aside your school/career for a girl who seems to have changed from one person to another during the course of dating you? Not worth the risk, my friend. If you just finished undergrad, you're probably still plenty young. Cut your losses and go NC.

[rattled]

@Lost - thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Maybe the conversation I had with her helped put the nail in the coffin when I said "I'd drop everything for you" huh? It's funny, the only reason i called her was because prior to this call I thought I had deleted all her contact information until I was looking through my text messages to scroll all the way to the bottom and see her number (which I didn't memorize, just from reading the message I knew). I wish I had never caught it and I would of remained NC.

 

@Lalalandman - I'm not sure if not being able to find "the one" in California is a good thing or a bad thing. The entire state of California has a larger population then all of Canada. If I can't find her there where else would I find her?? lol

 

@BiAxident - She hadn't changed for 4 and half years. The change came so sudden only at the start of last September. But regardless, that's neither here nor there and you are absolutely right. The way I saw my career was always with her in mind. That I would begin my life there and she would soon follow like she did when we attended the same college. Perhaps I was being a little too selfish? In the sense that I made myself believe and always told her that my move to California would benefit the both of us. I guess it's not what she wanted.

[rattled]

Pretend she's pregnant with his child, engaged, and getting married to him tomorrow. Or, pretend she's dead. Just for conversation purposes....

Now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? What's your career aspirations? What things in life do you love besides her? Do you love CA and/or the college of your choice? Then go! Go forth and conquer type of thing!

 

I think out of all advice given, this may be the most effective one I've heard. As for my career aspiration, I think the move is pretty obvious (Canada -> Hollywood). I wanted to pursue a career in talent management and ultimately a film producer. I've been working within the film industry in Canada for the past couple years only to find out that it is limited and resources are even more so. I frequently visit the CA area (at least once a year for the past 8). I'll be attending UCLA and I don't think I can hate it?

 

Hey hun,

I feel for you. Sounds similar enough to my past, I guess - the whole breaking up and gettin back togetehr, it being perfect,then breaking again, then no contact, then renewed feelings etc. It has started to become a circus, which it wasn't when it began.

 

To get any dignity from this relationship, walk away. What you have learned before, is that, if she wants you, she will contact you to work it out. So why hang around, hurting yourself? What's the benefit?

 

Save yourself, go no contact like before. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best

 

Thanks Cailin. I'm not sure how much worse it can get then what I already did, so I guess my only option left is to hope for the best