Frequent visitor, first post. My story

[rattled]

Hey LS

 

I've been frequenting LS for close to a year now but never registered and posted until now. I've read many threads that give such insightful advice, especially on NC. But hopefully you guys can chime in and give a little advice to my specific situation. Hopefully it isn't too long and you guys can read through it. Here it goes:

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I was dating my ex gf for close to 4 and half years before she broke it off with me out of the blue back in Sept 2009 (almost a year ago). Before that period we were (what I thought) close to a perfect couple. We hardly argued, always gave each other the freedom to do whatever we pleased, always took care of each other, constantly told each other how much we loved each other, the works. Early in the relationship I attended college away from home, where we began a LD relationship. It was never a problem for us because we trusted each other and visited each other often. 2 years later she joined me at the same college so it was awesome! She even moved into the same apartment building a floor above me when her sister came and joined us at the same college.

 

Fast forward to the first week of September 2009. It was the start of my last year in college and the last year before I moved to California to pursue more schooling and my dream career (I'm from Canada). When school started, I barely saw her because she wanted to go clubbing and partying with friends that entire week. Because we let each other have the freedom to go out without us being concerned, I thought nothing of it. One morning she called me early in the morning to tell me she was coming over to talk. She came over with typed 3 page note that she read to break up with me. Initially, I wasn't fazed at all and told her if that's what she wanted then I wish her the best. The day after she realized she was making a mistake and asked for the relationship back. However, the following next couple of weeks, I had hardly saw her because she was out drinking 4-5 days a week. She was an angel, never been the one to party hard or go drinking excessively so this foreign behaviour caught me off guard and made me extremely uncomfortable. I started seeing embarrassing pictures of her drunk and with other guys on Facebook, I had friends calling me to say "Hey, did you see those pictures of your gf??" We argued about it but she kept telling me that it's nothing and it's her life so she can do whatever she pleases and doesn't care what people think. I told her that I cared for her well-being and hated to see her spiral down into something I know she's not. Her behaviour and changed attitude broke my heart. I was never a priority to her anymore and my feelings and opinions meant close to nothing with her. After awhile I couldn't take it so I called it off in November. But before we let each other go we decided to have "good-bye sex" which was probably a bad idea. At this time I didn't even go NC with her. I thought it would be too hard because she lived a floor above me and the building only had one elevator and her sister is someone I bumped into frequently. So I thought just not talking as often and keeping things civil would be best (I was wrong).

 

4 Days after we broke up, I find out that she had gone over to her best (guy) friend's place and did things with each other. This best friend of her's was never a threat to me because I knew him for so long and knew that he was a good friend of my ex gfs. I was badly hurt when I heard this because I felt like she cheated even though "technically" we werent together. We constantly argued for the next month until we went NC for December and Christmas holidays where we returned home. After spending every holiday together for the past 4 years, I guess she found that not being together hit her hard (the feeling was mutual) so she broke NC and contacted me. We tried to work things out AGAIN. However, when we both returned back to school, her partying behaviour continued. We argued until February until I once again called it off. I began to realize that every time I break up, she wasn't fazed by it and it hurt me more. We tried to be friends for the next 2 months but found it very hard because i still loved her and cared for her so I constantly tried to get her old personality back. I finally went full NC in April of this year. I graduated from college this year, and she wasn't there to see it. It cut like a knife. I started to get my life back in order, started hanging out with old friends, working out, and moving on with my life.

 

June comes along and I found an email from my ex gf explaining how 2 months of not talking or seeing made her realize all the things she's done this past 8 months and how much she's hurt me and that she needed me back in her life. I didn't want to go back into the same cyclical problem so I said to her that if we were to be back in each other's lives that it would be on specific conditions that mainly outlined that she would not put me through or do anything remotely close to what she has done to me. She agreed. We didn't want to put a title on anything bc we knew that in the coming months it'd be our last chance to enjoy each other's company before I left for California. I wanted to make the best of it. So for all of June and July it was the best 2 months that we've had in awhile and I felt our relationship was renewed. Until the first week of August where I got her to admit that she had developed something with a coworker of hers that she had just met 2 weeks before behind my back. She told me that she didn't want what we had because she didn't want to be hurt when I left for california and now she had developed feeling for someone else. I was devastated. I went NC immediately for the past 3 weeks.

 

During this time of NC, I was planning and preparing for my leave when I started to get cold feet. I didn't know whether or not moving to California was what I wanted anymore because all my dreams and aspirations were developed with my ex gf in mind. The picture we painted in the past of our future lives together was not a reality anymore. However, I need to make a decision very soon as school is starting September 20th. I tried talking to family and friends about the situation but none could help me solidify a decision that made me happy. I wanted to talk to my ex because she was the one person that knew everything about me and about what I wanted and I just wanted her advice. So I decided to break NC (bad decision) yesterday just to see how she was and tell her my situation. I didn't want to get into any conversations about the new guy in her life or anything of that sort. But inevitably it happened and we the conversation went sour and last for 8 hours (yes i was on the phone with her for 8 hours straight). I told her that I wanted her back and that I would drop everything just to have what we had in the last 2 months and the last 4 years prior to the last year. She kept telling me she has nothing left for me and that her feelings were with someone else and that I should leave it alone. But I wouldn't believe her. The conversation finally ended and I'm left here without a decision and with little dignity left.

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Sorry if it's long - I'm hoping that some of you have read all the way through.

So LS what do I do??? I'm hoping that you guys would be my last resort

Edited August 24, 2010 by rattled

[CailinPig]

Hey hun,

I feel for you. Sounds similar enough to my past, I guess - the whole breaking up and gettin back togetehr, it being perfect,then breaking again, then no contact, then renewed feelings etc. It has started to become a circus, which it wasn't when it began.

 

To get any dignity from this relationship, walk away. What you have learned before, is that, if she wants you, she will contact you to work it out. So why hang around, hurting yourself? What's the benefit?

 

Save yourself, go no contact like before. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best

[You Go Girl]

Pretend she's pregnant with his child, engaged, and getting married to him tomorrow. Or, pretend she's dead. Just for conversation purposes....

Now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? What's your career aspirations? What things in life do you love besides her? Do you love CA and/or the college of your choice? Then go! Go forth and conquer type of thing!

[rattled]

just to consolidate the two threads and respond in an orderly fashion

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243006/