prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I've been a member for a short time but this is my first time writing anything on here. I think this place offers plenty of good advice from people that have traveled so many different roads. Anyway, I have a question. What do the OW/OM get out of a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship? Here's my story: I convinced a guy to leave his wife and three children to be with me and my two children. He did leave, for about 2 months. Things were great. I was happy. Then one day he ends it with me. No real reason for it but decides I'm not what he is after. He goes back to his wife, he moves back in with her. We happened to work together and I begged him to continue having a relationship with me. He did. Then his wife found out that we were still having sexual relations. She made him quit his job immediately - which he did and it completely broke my heart. That was almost 5 months ago and I've since met a guy (completely single) who I absolutely adore. I compare the relationship with him and the relationship with my MM and they just don't compare. I can't figure out why I would let myself be the OW? What was I getting out of the deal?
jthorne Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 You pose an excellent question, and I predict you will get a lot of justifications and whatever to say that you are wrong. Your affair must not as been as good as their affair, yada yada. Isn't it funny how a person can think they are relatively happy in one relationship, then have another relationship and see just how unhealthy the previous one was? It happens all the time, and not just in A relationships. Though, as you know, the odds are stacked against an A relationship ultimately being a healthy relationship. But of course, everyone here thinks they are different, so I'm sure you will get lots of different answers. Good for you for moving on. Best of luck to you with your new guy!
Spark1111 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I've been a member for a short time but this is my first time writing anything on here. I think this place offers plenty of good advice from people that have traveled so many different roads. Anyway, I have a question. What do the OW/OM get out of a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship? Here's my story: I convinced a guy to leave his wife and three children to be with me and my two children. He did leave, for about 2 months. Things were great. I was happy. Then one day he ends it with me. No real reason for it but decides I'm not what he is after. He goes back to his wife, he moves back in with her. We happened to work together and I begged him to continue having a relationship with me. He did. Then his wife found out that we were still having sexual relations. She made him quit his job immediately - which he did and it completely broke my heart. That was almost 5 months ago and I've since met a guy (completely single) who I absolutely adore. I compare the relationship with him and the relationship with my MM and they just don't compare. I can't figure out why I would let myself be the OW? What was I getting out of the deal? PLL, why do they not compare? Tell me how are they different. I am happy for you!
carhill Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 What do the OW/OM get out of a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship? Life is a continuum of events. When presented with one event, we react in a unique way to that event, based on our psychology. We have no foreknowledge. We have reflective knowledge. In your case, how you reacted to the event which caused you to become an OW gave you a reflective knowledge which you apply today to your current relationship. At the time of the event, you had no such knowledge. What happened was unique and singular to that event, your psychology at the time, and the psychology of the other person. Though it was a couple decades ago, what I got out of the 'relationship' was a clear understanding of the process within myself whereby I could love another human completely and elementally and also an understanding of how that dynamic could be unhealthy for myself. Since those events provided such clear and understandable reflective knowledge, they've never been repeated with anyone else and served to establish healthier boundaries within intimate relationships. So, in my own circumstances, the experience opened up new frontiers of emotion and gave me a real life education in both handling those emotions and how relationships *can* work. Ours ended negatively after about 25 years, but the life lessons were positive, IMO.
jj33 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 FYI there is an active thread with the same topic that was started prior to this one.
Hazyhead Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Life is a continuum of events. When presented with one event, we react in a unique way to that event, based on our psychology. We have no foreknowledge. We have reflective knowledge. In your case, how you reacted to the event which caused you to become an OW gave you a reflective knowledge which you apply today to your current relationship. At the time of the event, you had no such knowledge. What happened was unique and singular to that event, your psychology at the time, and the psychology of the other person. Though it was a couple decades ago, what I got out of the 'relationship' was a clear understanding of the process within myself whereby I could love another human completely and elementally and also an understanding of how that dynamic could be unhealthy for myself. Since those events provided such clear and understandable reflective knowledge, they've never been repeated with anyone else and served to establish healthier boundaries within intimate relationships. So, in my own circumstances, the experience opened up new frontiers of emotion and gave me a real life education in both handling those emotions and how relationships *can* work. Ours ended negatively after about 25 years, but the life lessons were positive, IMO. Thank you for this post Carhill - there is so much truth in it that I don't usually see... I hope I feel the same as you do in the future, and learn the same lessons.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 What does the OW/OM get out of the relationship? Every OW is different.. some OWs are very unhappy in their A because they want more.. but in my case, I'm very happy... this is exactly what I want.. non committed relationships.. with guys who will NOT want more.. it has worked for me for over 8 years now..
Gfkr2 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) My guess is you craved attention and this MM was aware of your vulnerability and was willing to offer it you. It's often as simple as that. Many of us MM know EXACTLY what women want to hear, see and feel in a R. We can talk the talk and build a special bond based on trust and intimacy that is necessary to capture many PLLs. A smart MM who decides to cheat on his M knows all women want attention, but more importantly he understands the both of you must develop an emotional connection to truly be satisfied and feel loved. If you have low self esteem, all the better says the MM. He can build you up, make you feel good about yourself by treating you like a princess, buying gifts, and taking you to dinner and being attentive to your needs. The recipe is really quite simple, calculating nevertheless:rolleyes: Edited August 24, 2010 by Gfkr2
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 PLL, why do they not compare? Tell me how are they different. I am happy for you! With the MM, there was always something in the back of my mind that his wife didn't deserve this. I would often plan on walking away from him because the guilt would consume me. She was raising his children (only one of them was hers as well) all while he was with me. It just didn't seem fair to her. When he left her, I felt better about it. I knew she wasn't sitting at home with three kids, she was only home with one. As a mother myself, I wouldn't want to be put in that same situation. With the new relationship, he is there for me all the time. I don't have to wait for him to sneak out. If I want to talk at 1 am, I can. I don't feel guilty like I did with the MM.
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 FYI there is an active thread with the same topic that was started prior to this one. Sorry, I didn't see it until now. Thanks!
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 What does the OW/OM get out of the relationship? Every OW is different.. some OWs are very unhappy in their A because they want more.. but in my case, I'm very happy... this is exactly what I want.. non committed relationships.. with guys who will NOT want more.. it has worked for me for over 8 years now.. Don't you ever just feel bad for the wife or girlfriend of the man your with? Do you think you will ever want more for yourself, to be in a relationship with someone who adores only you? I'm just asking. I'm really curious about this.
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I get to have a relationship with the man I love. I want him and no one else. People are not interchangeable.
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Don't you ever just feel bad for the wife or girlfriend of the man your with? Do you think you will ever want more for yourself, to be in a relationship with someone who adores only you? I'm just asking. I'm really curious about this. I do not feel bad for his wife. That is his problem. And he adores only me.
ladydesigner Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I think every situation is different. Of course the OW that wants more out of the relationship is going to feel short-sided. For a MOW it could be just sex, it could be an emotional connection missing in the M. Looking back now at my own situation what I got out of my A was the emotional connection, but the pain of ending was so much to bear. IMO A's are not worth all the pain that comes when they end, especially if strong feelings were involved and ruined friendships. So not worth it.
Gfkr2 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I do not feel bad for his wife. That is his problem. And he adores only me. You are a very lucky woman. Most MM have some flavor of divided loyalteis in these situations. So, why is he unwilling to leave his M for you?
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I do not feel bad for his wife. That is his problem. And he adores only me. Hmmm... I can understand that the relationship he has with his wife is between them and the relationship you and him have is between the two of you. The difference is, you had a choice. You chose to get involved with a married man. His wife has not had the same opportunity. Has your MM told his wife about you? Probably not. Does she not deserve to have a say in what happens in her marriage? The emotional stress that she will endure at some point when she is clued in on the A will have long lasting effects. She has not had a choice in this. Would you want a choice if it were your marriage - a choice to decide whether to stay or go? Please do not think that I'm judging. I was told once that I was no good for an affair because I feel for others so deeply. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how others aren't bothered by inflicting pain on another human being.
BB07 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I've been a member for a short time but this is my first time writing anything on here. I think this place offers plenty of good advice from people that have traveled so many different roads. Anyway, I have a question. What do the OW/OM get out of a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship? Here's my story: I convinced a guy to leave his wife and three children to be with me and my two children. He did leave, for about 2 months. Things were great. I was happy. Then one day he ends it with me. No real reason for it but decides I'm not what he is after. He goes back to his wife, he moves back in with her. We happened to work together and I begged him to continue having a relationship with me. He did. Then his wife found out that we were still having sexual relations. She made him quit his job immediately - which he did and it completely broke my heart. That was almost 5 months ago and I've since met a guy (completely single) who I absolutely adore. I compare the relationship with him and the relationship with my MM and they just don't compare. I can't figure out why I would let myself be the OW? What was I getting out of the deal? Don't you ever just feel bad for the wife or girlfriend of the man your with? Do you think you will ever want more for yourself, to be in a relationship with someone who adores only you? I'm just asking. I'm really curious about this. Doesn't anyone else find the two posts above complete contradictions? I apologize pll, if you are legit, but I'm a little suspicious.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Don't you ever just feel bad for the wife or girlfriend of the man your with? Do you think you will ever want more for yourself, to be in a relationship with someone who adores only you? I'm just asking. I'm really curious about this. To be honest.. I rarely think about their Ws.. I KNOW I will never want more.. I've been with my MMs for SOOOOO long, we're already like old couples. I do not need them to adore me.. I know they love me.. otherwise they wouldn't take that chance to lose everything.. Funny thing.. today I got a message from my last ex.. he's been happily married for over 5 years now... (we split 8 years ago)... he's been with her since we split.. I haven't seen him for the last 2 years.. we just spoke.. we're planning to get together soon... My youngest MM.. will be a father for the second time.. any minute now.. Do I feel sorry for those women.. not really.. since I am not trying to steal them.. I think they're happy.. cause they have no idea..
BB07 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Hmmm... I can understand that the relationship he has with his wife is between them and the relationship you and him have is between the two of you. The difference is, you had a choice. You chose to get involved with a married man. His wife has not had the same opportunity. Has your MM told his wife about you? Probably not. Does she not deserve to have a say in what happens in her marriage? The emotional stress that she will endure at some point when she is clued in on the A will have long lasting effects. She has not had a choice in this. Would you want a choice if it were your marriage - a choice to decide whether to stay or go? Please do not think that I'm judging. I was told once that I was no good for an affair because I feel for others so deeply. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how others aren't bothered by inflicting pain on another human being. Well after reading this response, I am VERY suspicious.
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Doesn't anyone else find the two posts above complete contradictions? I apologize pll, if you are legit, but I'm a little suspicious. Don't apologize. I've read on here several times where everyone jumps on the OP because they don't feel it's legit. Feel how you want, just don't apologize for it. You're entitled to your feelings. I have feelings. I care for others. Just because I fell in love with a man that was married, does not mean that I didn't feel bad for his wife. I wouldn't want that done to me...
Author prettylittleliar Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Do I feel sorry for those women.. not really.. since I am not trying to steal them.. I think they're happy.. cause they have no idea.. and that makes the most sense to me....
silktricks Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Well after reading this response, I am VERY suspicious. I don't think this: Here's my story: I convinced a guy to leave his wife and three children to be with me and my two children. He did leave, for about 2 months. Things were great. I was happy. and this: I was told once that I was no good for an affair because I feel for others so deeply. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how others aren't bothered by inflicting pain on another human being. mesh very well.
Summer Breeze Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I got the love of a lifetime. I don't have a regret for anything that happened.
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Hmmm... I can understand that the relationship he has with his wife is between them and the relationship you and him have is between the two of you. The difference is, you had a choice. You chose to get involved with a married man. His wife has not had the same opportunity. Has your MM told his wife about you? Probably not. Does she not deserve to have a say in what happens in her marriage? The emotional stress that she will endure at some point when she is clued in on the A will have long lasting effects. She has not had a choice in this. Would you want a choice if it were your marriage - a choice to decide whether to stay or go? Please do not think that I'm judging. I was told once that I was no good for an affair because I feel for others so deeply. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how others aren't bothered by inflicting pain on another human being. I am not the one in a relationship with the BS. He is. He is the one inflicting pain on her. I would not do the same as he does. I leave when I have a new partner.
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I got the love of a lifetime. I don't have a regret for anything that happened. I think I need to change my signature.
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