I don't know what else to do to make myself lovable :(

[Eeyore79]

When I was younger, I didn’t realise that guys would hit on me and string me along just because I was pretty – I assumed they must like me as a person, and I was hurt when they dumped me. Now that I’m older, I’ve learned to focus on compatibility more in order to weed out the guys who only want to date me for my looks. I’ve dated some nice people who turned out not to be compatible, but at least they weren’t just using me. I’m still waiting for a lasting relationship to happen.

 

All this waiting really knocks your self esteem, because you begin to wonder why everyone else has someone and you don’t. The confidence that the right person will eventually come along is slowly replaced by a growing sadness and loneliness as you watch everyone else pair off while you’re still alone and unloved. You begin to doubt if anyone will ever want you, because all the exes who didn’t want you are now happily committed to someone else, as are all of your friends. You look at yourself and think “I’m just as good as them, so why don’t I have someone too?” You begin to think there must be something wrong with you that you can’t see, and you frantically self-analyze in the hope of making yourself into a more desirable partner. The clock continues to tick; you’re aware that whatever desirability you may have had is slowly ebbing away, and if nobody wanted you in your prime then you’re pretty much screwed now.

 

I really don’t know what else to do; I can’t see anything seriously wrong with me which would prevent a decent man committing to me. Granted, a lot of the guys I’ve dated haven’t been compatible, but the ones who I thought were compatible, who I truly cared about, simply didn’t want me.

 

I’m in a relationship now with someone who seems like a compatible, decent person, but he just doesn’t love me and I have no idea why. Other men continue to hit on me because they find me attractive, and when I decline they say that my bf is a very lucky guy, but he obviously doesn’t think so. The problem isn’t my looks; I’m sure my bf thinks I’m beautiful, but that isn’t enough… there’s obviously something wrong with my personality which makes him not love me, just like the other guys who dated me because I was pretty but didn’t love me. It’s not a lack of compatibility because we get on really well, or a mismatch of life goals because we want the same things, and he’s definitely looking for an LTR because I asked him… I really don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I’m not good enough for him (or anyone else) to love

*

[TaraMaiden]

Its very simple.

 

Love yourself more than anyone else ever could.

Its only when you have a selfless, fully accepting love for yourself, that you can then love others in this way and expect others to love you in that way too.

 

How on earth can you expect anybody to love you completely for who you are, and what you have become, if you have so little self respect, self esteem and self-love?

Every relationship you head into, you subconsciously sabotage, because you already believe their motives are not straightforward or honourable.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.

Leave it be, let him find someone who he genuinely loves.

And you - you do the same. But only after you have completely and totally believed, and accepted, that you too, deserve exactly that.

[westrock]

The problem isn’t my looks; I’m sure my bf thinks I’m beautiful, but that isn’t enough… there’s obviously something wrong with my personality which makes him not love me, just like the other guys who dated me because I was pretty but didn’t love me. It’s not a lack of compatibility because we get on really well, or a mismatch of life goals because we want the same things, and he’s definitely looking for an LTR because I asked him…

 

How do you know the issue is not a lack of compatibility?

 

Love has to be the first item on your compatibilty checklist. If a person don't love you, then you are not compatible. Everything else is secondary.

 

Having said that, how do you know he doesn't love you?

[Eeyore79]

I do feel that I deserve love; I love myself as a person and I think someone else should love me too, therefore I can't understand why they don't. I can't see anything wrong with me, but there obviously must be something I'm not seeing, because nobody loves me.

 

I do tend to believe that people's motives aren't honorable, but it has more to do with past experience of dishonorable people than anything to do with me thinking I don't deserve someone honorable. I try to assess people to determine whether they're honorable or not before I develop any feelings for them. But being honorable doesn't mean that they'll love me; they could be decent people with honorable intentions, but we just turn out not to be compatible.

 

I don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me, but the fact that they don't love me still hurts. Nobody ever loves me, and it hurts every time. The only reason I'm still in my current relationship is because I was advised that I can't expect love after four months and I need to allow more time.

[Eeyore79]

How do you know the issue is not a lack of compatibility?

We spend a lot of time together, we like the same things, we discuss topics that we're both interested in, we go to concerts and the cinema together because we both like the same sort of music and movies, we share books because we like the same genres. We like the same tv shows and have the same sense of humor, and we have a lot of fun hanging out together. We have similar life goals and similar beliefs about things, and our sexual compatibility is amazing. We have the same approach to a lot of things in life; we rarely disagree and if we do it's resolved quickly and calmly. I can't think of any ways in which we're really incompatible, so I don't feel that the issue is a lack of compatibility.

 

Love has to be the first item on your compatibilty checklist. If a person don't love you, then you are not compatible.

But what is love anyway? Isn't it something that develops when you care about and feel close to a person who is mentally and physically compatible? If we're compatible, then why doesn't he love me?

 

Having said that, how do you know he doesn't love you?

He hasn't said he loves me; in fact he got really uncomfortable because I said something that sounded a bit too much like the L-word. He'll say he cares about me, but that's pretty much meaningless - I care about friends, I care about nice guys I've broken up with, I care about decent people in my life who I'm not in love with, but I don't intend to be in a lasting relationship with any of them. I don't doubt that he likes and cares about me, but liking and caring isn't enough.

[westrock]

He hasn't said he loves me;

 

Ever heard of the 5 love languages? Do a google search. Maybe that applies in your case here.

[Eeyore79]

I looked it up, and my top one is words of affirmation. But regardless of what his "love language" is, he should still be able to tell me that he loves me. Perhaps not yet, because we've only dated for a few months - I'm giving it a bit of time, but eventually he should be able to say it.

 

Maybe he thinks he is expressing affection somehow; I don't know. I don't feel very loved when he doesn't respond to texts and doesn't make enough effort to spend time with me, but he seems to think that introducing me to his parents and having sex with me is an expression of him caring about me, and I don't really see it that way.

[Goldline]

I learned that if it doesn't feel like love, then it probably isn't love. I'm not talking about love relationships only, friendships as well.

 

I do believe that we have to work to make a relationship or marriage work, but I don't think it should be work to make it "start".