The state of mind of a person who ends a relationship

[bboy]

Okey, this is a topic that there are millions of opinions and different approaches. So I'm only reflecting from my own experience and from those who I have been helping through their own process. My reference is a serious relationship, where you have opened up and have a real bond to this person. However, different problems under some time have undermined your relationship.

 

Before the breakup, decision making and a U-turn.

When one is about to end a relationship a lot of the agony and pain comes before. Hardly anyone does a breakup out of the blue. It’s a thought process that can take some time and is related to how the relationship is setup from the beginning. The doubt of breaking or making is a state of mind and it is a meta stable state of mind.

 

I know several people who wondered, how the hell did it change so fast?

• She told me last week: “You’re the one"
  
• She told me this week: “I don’t want you at all in my life”.
  

The main reason for saying “You´re the one” is that they actually appreciated the relationship in the past and try to blind side the negative parts. Forcing them to find the positive and tell themselves, this is something I should do. *I will feel better with this*

 

Somewhere in this process, there is a U-turn. Could be a huge argue, a fling, a travel or something else that brakes the stale mate. A window of “opportunity”. *****, this isn't working!

 

As they have this mental U-turn. Focus goes instead to the negative part. Making a list of things that are convincing to leave this person and subconscious plan for getting out is starting to form. This is the moment where they start to look for a rebound. Someone else who either confirms or deny the inner feelings. Some find a rebound, some are strong enough to just walk out.

 

The breakup

Oh my god, it was a mess! How could she be so cruel? She’s already with someone else. B**TCH! Yeah, so you could say.

 

But the state of mind in a break up is “I need to care for myself – this isn’t working”. So they pick up every possible tool to protect themselves. It can include:

• Turning family members against you
  
• Making friends choose side
  
• Go for a rebound
  
• Burn your stuff
  
• Focus 100% on the bad things
  
• Tell themselves they can “have you whenever they want”
  

And honestly. How many here wouldn’t do EVERYTHING to make themselves feel better?!!

 

This is why some recommend an apology letter to their ex saying: “You’re right, we don’t fit. Sucks, but I realize it too. Anyway, I enjoyed the moments and I hope whatever happens that the future is nice to you.” It’s a way of robbing them from their defenses in this situation. But that is another story…).

 

So… You can imagine what the reactions are when you come, with a cry for help. It is total dismissal of you, your feelings and the result of a totally EGO person. Long relationships are really hard to end so harsh endings can be more common. Stronger reactions and “dirtier” endings.

 

Accusations fly through the air and we say the most stupid stuff we would never imagine we would say. Yelling accusations, cursing them to hell and at the same time wish they would crawl back. Blame is a popular topic here too. "You don’t see what you’re doing because someone possessed you with these thoughts." Ugh... I had this example and it just isn't pretty with these swings are thrown.

 

(Here’s a hint – stay the hell away from criticizing their surroundings. You already have one person who is in doubt – don’t blame EVERYONE around them)

 

After the break-up

First there is a 48H self satisfaction. I did it. This will be great. Then comes the panic. Usually within a week? After that the list of protections are set in motion. Remove all stuff, go out with the rebound. Contact old friends. Go to a bar. Work out. Surround yourself with support. Do something that they couldn’t before. You know… the same list as the dumped has but doesn’t have the energy to do…

 

If the person who got dismissed – starts calling, sending flowers and poetry. Oh boy, that just feeds the beast!

 

No Contact is a great rule. Don't make a fool out of yourself. Don't feed the beast.

 

Neutral (2 months?!)

To return to the state of mind where you can see things clearly, space is needed. No new input, no more argues and a focus shift from not just how the ending was but to the whole relationship. This is also a subconscious part of our selves. You know the phrase: “Absence and time makes the heart grow fonder”. That is when the whole relationship comes in focus, not just the ending or that instant fight. There is no more defense mechanisms that are up and running. They start to peep over their wall of defense and nobody is outside there anymore.

 

But this takes time for people to reach. Some just pass this and continue on, others start missing the person. Small factors rule in. However, the thought that you passed someone’s life and you are no longer in a position that you can have impact in it – is a haunting thought. So there will be agony, moments of FB stalking by the dumper and so on. Justifications of the right decision will start to crumble. The rebound isn’t much fun anymore – and yeah this is how it goes on. Eventually it fades into memories and a little sad feeling comes in...

Edited August 24, 2010 by bboy

[freckles3131]

I'd say this is dead on. (from a dumpee's perspective and the 3 month mark, boy do I wish I didn't do the bargaining etc..and just let him walk. Lesson learned)

Anyways....my ex is in a rebound and I believe he is in the looking over the fence stage.

It's month 2 and a half for him.

Suddenly he is on Facebook. (after saying he didn't have "time" for it, it appears his new "gf" set him up a page...she's unemployed and has nothing better to do with her time...)

Anyways....

His SECOND post on Facebook....(and he knows I'm on there...)

 

"Thank you to my SWEETIE for cooking me dinner"

 

1)When we were together he would say how lucky he was that I would cook for him all the time.

Towards the end he was saying things like "All my girlfriends cooked for me, lots of girls like to cook for their guys.

 

and....this is the KICKER...

2) SWEETIE has been my pet name for him to call me for 8 YEARS....It's on every card/letter/email....I was "Sweetie"

and now he is on FB and calling her "Sweetie"

 

Honestly, I think my NC is eating away at him. It's something I have never, ever done. I tried to maintain the friendship when we broke up the first time...now he has a reality check that I'm not going to be "there" as plan B like he thought and like it was before....I think he can't stand it. He is so insecure and his ego can't stand it.

I mean, to call her "Sweetie" on a public forum that he knows I'm on....(besided get couldn't he get an original nickname for her??LOL!)

Very obvious to me he is trying to get a rise out of me.

The old me would have done just that. Emailed him/texted him saying "WTF?"

She is "Sweetie"

Guess what....not this time pal.

Games like this and pathetic attempts to have me boost your ego by showing I'm affected......not gonna happen and this sh#t is just making me STRONGER!

Yeah!

[HippyChic]

This is a very interesting post.

 

I spent 2 yrs preparing myself to leave the father of my children. He did believe it was out of the blue, but i'd spent all that time going through the pain of the 'break-up' before it actually happened! That's how i managed to not return into the relationship 'for old times sake'. I have to admit that I did not know this of myself at the time.

 

I think it was unfair how he believed i hadn't experienced any emotional hurt. I think the dumper feels it before the dumpee and this is never recognised. Also, he did everything on your list! He tried alot of mean things to hurt me as much as me leaving him hurt him. However, he did not ever see i must have hurt at some point to have left him!

[bboy]

This is a very interesting post.

 

I spent 2 yrs preparing myself to leave the father of my children. He did believe it was out of the blue, but i'd spent all that time going through the pain of the 'break-up' before it actually happened! That's how i managed to not return into the relationship 'for old times sake'. I have to admit that I did not know this of myself at the time.

 

I think it was unfair how he believed i hadn't experienced any emotional hurt. I think the dumper feels it before the dumpee and this is never recognised. Also, he did everything on your list! He tried alot of mean things to hurt me as much as me leaving him hurt him. However, he did not ever see i must have hurt at some point to have left him!

 

Sounds like that story is poor communication. This can either be trained or you are just not compatible with each other.

 

"You're the one, you're my future and I love you to death"

This isn't a declaration of love! It's a cry for help! I'M HAVING DOUBTS!

 

Sorry to say - most don't recognize when help is needed or see the state the other person is in. We are self-occupied-egoistic-centric-viscous animals. We look at ourselves and not others.

 

When people fight, 99% of the times they want someone to listen, contemplate, hug them and say I've heard what you said and I must think about it so I understand it, but meanwhile I want you to know that I love you. Then follow up with some sort of action afterwards. This liberates the other person while you still maintain control of your reaction to the fight.

 

I bet 99% of the romantic things we do, we do when we don't need to. And 99% of the times they are needed we don't do them. Ironic, isn't it?

[BeagleGal]

Once again, another great post!

 

When my ex broke up with me, to me, it was all of a sudden. Even though a couple of weeks before it actually happened, he was acting distant and wierd. And when I would talk to him and try to find out what the problem was, he just said it was him, "his issues", e.g. dealing with the past year and all the changes like me and his son moving in, his new job, the added responsibilities, blah, blah, blah. At the time, I believed him, had no reason to doubt him. He reassured me it didnt have anything to do with me or our relationship; he loved me, loved us, thought we had a good relationship and it was him.

So when we broke up, of course, I was devastated and blindsided because he reassured me that he still wanted to be with me. And even after we broke up, he kept telling me he'd still see me lots, we'd be going on dates and that he couldn't see why down the road we couldnt buy a bigger house for my dog and his son. And all the while, he had already f*cked around with someone else, had gotten her pregnant and they were making their own plans for THEIR lives. They were engaged 2 - 3 weeks after he dumped me.

Now having had time and space, I do realize that he had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Probably after he met this new girl. So although the breakup came as a surprise to me, it was something that was definitely in the works for him for a while.

Coward.

[Nappeal]

This is a great post for those whose relationship ended that way.

 

My X and I just drfited apart...I was somewhat blindsided by his ending of the relationship, but there was no ugliness, no arguing, nothing...There's no hard feelings for the time being. Do I love him? Do I want him back? Do I wish the relationship could work? Absolutely, but things faded w us, and he did mentally check out months before it ended, which was not a surprise to me.

 

I'd hate to have ended things so ugly like its been described here. But this is def insightful.

[bonpaw2008]

B - you are very inspiring and I really appreciate all of your posts. This is a very thoughtful look at the other side, and I do see many similarities in my situation in this.

[bboy]

For those of you who give me encouraging words. Thank you very much for showing the appreciation. I'm here because I'm in the same boat as you are, so I'm very glad being surrounded with people who both give me input, feedback and encouragement.

 

I believe we share many of these thoughts, questions and arguments.

[BeagleGal]

... and seek advice from you!

 

 

 

For those of you who give me encouraging words. Thank you very much for showing the appreciation. I'm here because I'm in the same boat as you are, so I'm very glad being surrounded with people who both give me input, feedback and encouragement.

 

I believe we share many of these thoughts, questions and arguments.

[smk]

Bboy - I know I saw a lot of the signs a few weeks before the break up but I just chose to ignore them thinking that by ignoring it things would change...

 

What you say about them making the decision several weeks before the actual "event" is so true... I am not sure about the rest of it but that made so much sense....

 

Another great thread...

[You Go Girl]

Thanks for this thread. As a "dumper" I see some negative ruts that I could fall into, and pointing them out to me will help me avoid them, or at least understand them.

Just about 2 years since the start of this break-up here, (became a couch wife) and sometimes it feels like 2 days. LC has been 2 months. Much of what you write is true, but at the snail's pace of 2 years-6 years of transition.

Only time and new memories. I know after my first D that my pace is very slow--years to recover. I think I'm better this time at owning my faults, and I'm working on them, even the long hard heel-dug-in worst of them bad habits.Now it's just me, and there's nobody else to blame. That's comforting in a way.

[Username37]

bboy. Great topic man.

 

Been 3 months for me. For my ex missing me? Not sure. Hope absences really makes the heart grow fonder.