smk Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I guess a coping log does make sense after all so here is mine… A lot of you here know my story, for those who don’t here is a quick rundown: Knew her for a couple of years before we got together, things moved really quick with us, she asked me to move in 3 months after we got together, talked about everything from marriage to kids and even grandkids and where we were going to retire. We are both different races (me south Asian, her Mediterranean), met most of her family and they really liked me, and I got on well with her, never met her father though; however she had told him about me and at first he seemed happy. Fast forward to 2 weeks after I have moved in and things seem to going horribly wrong, she became distant, and would pick at the smallest of things, anyways one night she tells me that her dad has given her an ultimatum to choose between her family and me and that as a result this has been causing a lot of friction in her family and that she had made her decision and because our relationship was so short she couldn’t risk not speaking to her dad for the rest of her life. Basically we split up, she wanted me to still be around in her life and I though I could do that and maybe she would come back. Played at this for over a month then I went NC, however I would still receive the odd text form her telling me about all the things she had been doing and how much she had been going out etc… Finally 9 weeks after the break I told her that I could no longer pretend to be just friends because I was still in love with her and if she couldn’t have me in her life as a partner then I couldn’t be in her life at all because I wasn’t ready to be “just friends”. She apologised and said that I would never hear from her again. I am now into week 10 of the break and 10days into full NC and its weird the first week was pretty easy, I went out a lot, chatted up lots of girls in bars and got lots of numbers, even though deep down I knew I wanted nothing to do with them, it was more of an ego booster. In these 10 weeks I have also started seeing a therapist, and dealing with lots of issues that I had that I had suppressed since my childhood. I am thinking positive and now moving on with my life, I no longer make plans with her in mind, I no longer constantly think about her, I am no longer consumed by her memories… sure I do have my moments where I miss her tremendously where I want to share things with her but that’s about it… Anyways back to the reason for my coping log, I had been fine all of last week until one point yesterday where she popped into my head, she stayed there for a while then went away. Then I went to sleep (BTW I should mention am still going through the issues with sleeping I somehow cannot manage more than 4 hours at a stretch) and I had a strange dream. In my dream her brother phoned me up to meet with me to talk to me because I had been avoiding her calls. So I meet the brother and we have a chat and lo behold she comes into the room – anyways we are talking about things and both us talking about getting back together, but then we start having a huge argument and we both walk away and as we leave the room we both turn around and walk to each other and say “The only regret I have about things not working out between us is the losing my best friend” and we both walk away… At this point I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn’t go back to sleep and have had my anxiety attacks back in full force like when we first broke up… the dream just felt so real and weird and its almost as now I may never hear from her again and its scary – I never meant for it to get to that stage – I always thought that at some point we may still be able to friends in the future, but this dream has just really sort of put that finality in my mind and its really scary… Anyone here ever had something similar, something where its really shattered your core, because that’s what this feels like today, like someone has actually gone into my chest and ripped out my heart… I know its only a dream but it just felt so damn real – anyone care to shed any light on the meaning of such dreams? I have tried to google it and come up with nothing….
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 To be honest I don't place much value in dream analysis. Dreams are just too random and obscure. I don't remember my dreams very often. The last one I had, me and my ex had discovered that if you enter a certain code into a microwave oven using the number buttons, you can teleport objects to another microwave. What's that all about!! If disturbing dreams are becoming a regular occurrence then I would recommend teaching yourself to lucid dream. I've had a couple of these and they are really great. It's when you become aware, in your dream, that you are dreaming. You can then take control of the dream and do whatever you want. Want the ex to disappear and be replaced by Tricia Helfer? No problem! One method to achieve this is to habituate "reality checks"... begin a habit, for example, trying to poke your finger through your own palm. Of course in reality you will always fail. But if you try it many times a day, it will become a habit, and you will find you're doing it in your dreams too. But in your dreams, your finger will pass through your palm because that's what you're trying to do. When this happens you will realize you're dreaming, and presto!
bonpaw2008 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 S - yes this happens to me all the time. My conscious mind tells me that I am over it and ready to move on, but then I dream about him. I feel that is my sub-conscious mind telling me it's not ready to let go. I can only hope that it will catch up one day. I hate those dreams because whether we are fighting in them or happy I always wake up miserable and have a terrible day after. You are doing wonderfully, that is just your mind telling you that you have a little ways to go....
Author smk Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 @ Pete - i want to learn how to do that - it sounds like fun... TBH i dont really put much emphasis on dreams either but of all the ones I have had so far this one seemed the most realistic, I guess I am just putting in too much emphasis on it and trying to look for some sort of subliminal message or something.... @ B - good too see that youre doing well too, i know we have all been through some crap in the last few months and I just want it to end... I focus on things that are not related to her and I have even anchored different things to places that brought about her memories but its still a little difficult. I mean I did really well the last couple of weeks and then today just feels like i am falling really hard... I am just going to keep riding the waves until I hit smooth seas again, I guess there really isnt anything else left to do is there...
HopeLove Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 The other night I had a weird dream too. If you want to read about it I posted under "Feeling sad". I don't know the meaning of your dream but maybe means you are living the moment of the split again since you haven't find yet the closure you need. Tell the dream to your therapist and tell us what he/she thinks about. Something else, you said her family liked you but the father whom you never met did not. Do you know for sure this is true? Have you ever asked her brother or someone else? Just wondering.
HopeLove Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I forgot something. Before you go to sleep, an hour before doing so try hard not to think about her, think about something very relaxing, take a bath, calm down. Maybe it might help you to sleep better, nor the first night but maybe after a week. Try doing something like that every night, like a ritual. It migh work and you don't have anything to loose
Author smk Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Hope I will definitely try that tonight - I think that might actually be true because last night I was thinking about her... Actually her brother did speak to me about the situation before we broke up, but who knows what the truth could be... I know my siblings would say things for me if I asked... But hey it's over and done now just getting on with my life...
Author smk Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 I came home to an empty house today and for no reason at all I cried, I cried like I have never cried before. I couldn't stop and the more I did try to stop the more tears came out. Do I miss her? Yeah I do. Do I wish things wouldn't have ended? Yes I do. Do I wish that she was here beside me? Yes I do. But is she? No she isn't. I found out from someone mutual that she misses me and always asks about me, maybe that's what set it off, I don't know.... All I want to do right now though is curl up in a ball and sleep, sleep a sleep so deep that maybe I don't have to wake up, maybe I can be in the perpetual state of sleep... I don't know it may make thugs easier, I may make things go away, who knows it may even stop the tears... I never got my last embrace with her, and I wish I did, I never got to say goodbye properly, I never got any of my last moments... I wish I had cherished every moment as though it was the last... I miss her and wish things could have been different, I wish she would have been in my arms right now, I wish so many things, yet I know they will never happen again... Yet despite knowing this I shed countless tears, I feel nothing for anyone but her...
HopeLove Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Don't worry, tomorrow you feel better. 1 1/2 wk ago, on a Sunday I cried all day long, my eyes were so swallen I felt like 4 months ago but now I'm feeling much better. Every low I have I recover faster and so will you!
Author smk Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Hope I do hope so - I have been like this for almost 2 days now and each day it just seems to e getting worse... Well at least I know that I am still on the roller coaster and may as well enjoy the ride... Lol
HopeLove Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 have a look at my last two postes and write something if you feel up to. It will distract you from your pain.
Author smk Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 3rd night running with random dreams of her... making sure i dont think of her before going to bed, keeping busy, upped the running to a whole new level, i have run 20 miles in the last 48 hours, still cant manage more than 4 hours of sleep straight... just when you think its getting better they have a way of sneaking up on you... well since i am at the funfair i may aswell enjoy the ride... i am however looking forward to the weekend - we have the notting hill carnival and that is bound to be fun...
PegNosePete Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Are you trying the lucid dreaming? Even just trying it, has allowed me to sleep much better because I look forward to going to sleep now, it's part of my new project rather than just something to do between the night and the morning. I am trying it... but I think you have a good headstart on me. I never remember my dreams. The first step is to improve my dream recall, by writing them down as soon as I wake up. So far I've done 3 this week, which is almost as many as I can remember in the whole of my life previously! So if you already have good dream recall, you're well on the way. Give it a go http://www.lucidfun.com/lucid-introduction
Author smk Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Pete - hey, am going to try it tonight, thanks for the link. I will be honest I have been a little lazy to getting the info to try it... yeah hopefully it will work... the thing is though that they just keep on getting weirder each day... like last night was me going to her flat to get changed before a night out because i still had most of my clothes there... random stuff, i tell you... how are you doing now?
PegNosePete Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Last night I dreamed I was riding a horse, which is weird already because I'm allergic. It jumped into a lake and started playing football (in the water - somehow) with some kids, which is weird again because I'm not a football fan at all. The horse (with me still on its back) scored a goal with its nose. The kids all said that hopefully England will play better than the horse in their next game, and I said who cares, he scored a goal that's all that matters. So yeah, much randomness!! I've been doing OK. Did some DIY, painted a door frame and 2 doors. This weekend will be replacing a floor, doing some coving and hopefully touching up some walls. Though next weekend STBX is coming to pick up her stuff from the garage... not really looking forward to that.
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