Why do I feel so bad about him moving on?

[Eeyore79]

A couple of years ago I was totally in love with my ex, who cheated on me with a friend of a friend, and then he dumped me even though I (stupidly) offered to forgive him and work things out.

 

For a while I continued to contact him occasionally, and he always replied to my emails, though it usually took quite some time to receive a reply and what he wrote was just like smalltalk about how his job was going etc, nothing too personal. In January this year, 18 months after the last time I saw him, I went NC because it was too painful to keep wondering when he would reply, if he missed me, if we'd ever manage to be friends or even have a second chance.

 

I haven't contacted him for 7 months, and he hasn't contacted me, so I guess he doesn't even care enough about me to want to be friends. He also defriended me on Facebook about a year ago. But I went on the Facebook page of the mutual friend I share with the girl he cheated with, and this girl just happened to be visible on the Friends list at the side of the page. Her profile photo caught my eye because my ex was in it, and I stupidly clicked on it without thinking.

 

The picture showed her and my ex laughing and smiling outside a beautiful house. It looks like my ex has been promoted at work and they've bought a house together. No doubt they're probably planning marriage and babies too

 

I don't want him back because he cheated on me, and I don't love him any more. I have a new bf who I really care about, but seeing my ex settling down really hit me hard and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm not sure if my new bf even loves me (we've been dating for four months), and settling down isn't even on the cards yet, even though I'm 30 now. I desperately want to be in the position my ex is in: in a settled relationship, financially stable, buying a house with someone, and thinking about kids and marriage. Instead I'm living alone, scraping by financially because I'm still finishing up at college, and feeling unsure about how much my bf even cares about me. I guess I'm just jealous of my ex and this girl having all the things I want in a relationship

Edited August 24, 2010 by Eeyore79

[Tripp]

Ahhh well seeing your ex happy with someone has given you doubts about your own relationship. If I were, continue to NC your ex. I've been cheated on, and I can honestly say that those who cheat are just not worth ANY of your time.

 

What I can suggest is continue to finish college, because you finish it-you get a great job- you buy a bigger house than your ex=you win.

 

If you have doubts about your ex really caring about you, maybe its just not right for you to be with him? I can see you care about him, but ultimately is he making you happy? Because when it all comes down to it, thats what matters most, your happiness. And you've been with him for a few months. To get to that point of marriage and kids takes a VERY long time. So I say, if you can't picture a life with him...then why stay?

 

Remember, jealousy is always a monster. Shakespeare taught us that hahaha try to avoid it at ALL costs. Theres no way to be sure your ex is ACTUALLY happy and is ACTUALLY buying a house. Pictures can lie. They can just be happy for the sake of the photo.

 

So do what makes you feel good. Do whatever it takes for you to be happy. And do great in your studies.

[Eeyore79]

I've been cheated on, and I can honestly say that those who cheat are just not worth ANY of your time.

Yeah, I know. I don't want my ex back; that's why I'm surprised I'm so upset about him moving on. I think it's because he and his gf have all the things I want and can't have.

 

Three of my other exes are engaged, two are married, and another three have kids, but I wasn't as much in love with them so it didn't hit me quite as hard. But the fact that the guy I once loved has everything I want with someone else really hurts. It pains me that all of my exes have someone and I don't; I don't know why nobody wants me and why I don't get to have those things too

 

If you have doubts about your ex really caring about you, maybe its just not right for you to be with him? I can see you care about him, but ultimately is he making you happy? Because when it all comes down to it, thats what matters most, your happiness. And you've been with him for a few months. To get to that point of marriage and kids takes a VERY long time. So I say, if you can't picture a life with him...then why stay?

I expect you mean my current bf, not my ex. I do care about him, and if he cared about me then I could picture us staying together, but I'm not sure if he does care about me that much. I'm trying to give him a chance because it's only been four months and I guess I can't expect him to care about me yet.

 

I know it takes a long time to get to the point of marriage and kids - that's what worries me, because I'm 30 and I don't have a long time. I'm just so tired of dating and being strung along and dumped; I want commitment and stuff, but I just can't seem to find someone who wants it with me. I'm wasting more time on every failed relationship, and I don't even know if my current relationship is going anywhere.

 

Theres no way to be sure your ex is ACTUALLY happy and is ACTUALLY buying a house. Pictures can lie.

No, they definitely bought a house - she had written "Now that Pete has been promoted we've finally bought a house of our own. I'm loving living in my first proper home with my man; I love ya baby! xx." It just makes me feel sick - not because I want him, because I don't - but because I want a house and a committed partner for myself, and it breaks my heart that everyone except me seems to have found someone

[BeagleGal]

Eeyore: I totally understand what you are going thru. My ex dumped me 5 months ago. I found out thru work that not only had he cheated on me with a jr. lawyer he met at a work function while I was at home looking after HIS son, but he also got her pregnant almost immediately and they just got married almost a month ago. Imagine. I know they bought a house as well together before the wedding and all. And it sickens me that he has a house, a wife, a new baby coming and I have what - nothing. BUT, what I dont have is a lying, cheating, manipulative a**hole in my life anymore. His new wife knew he was cheating on me when she got involved with him and after I had to move out of the house, he was still texting/calling me on and off. He's scum. What my ex doesnt know is that a mutual friend of ours (well, more his friend) and told me the reason why my ex married her so quicky (besides her being pregnant) and I quote "cause she is just a wallet for him".

 

So yes, part of me is envious of all the materialistic things they are able to afford and how financially stable they are. And I hate that I am the one suffering because of his choices, I got the sh*t end of the stick when he dumped me. But at what price is the new wife going to have to pay? Yeah she's got the house, their combined income is great and they can enjoy a comfortable life but knowing that he's a cheat, do you think she'll ever be able to trust him 100%, especially after the baby comes?

[Eeyore79]

That thought was in my mind when I thought about my ex being happy with this girl. He's a liar and a cheater, and she's in a relationship with him, so I'm not confident of things going well for them in the long run. But that's kind of beside the point - I guess I'm just jealous because they have all the things I want in terms of love, commitment, a home, etc. If I had those things with someone, I wouldn't really care what my ex was doing, but the fact that I don't have those things makes it painful that he does... especially since he's the lying cheater who should be suffering, not me. He treated me like crap, and then he moved on and has all the happy things I always wanted, while I'm still alone.

[BeagleGal]

I absolutely 100% understand this sentiment exact. Its hard to wish them well because of the hurt and pain they caused us, and I'm not one to wish ill on anyone. But him - after the sh*t he's put me through for his selfish, narcissistic reasons, I find it very hard to wish any good at all. Everyone tells me karma is a bitch and he'll get his but I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for that moment to come. Instead, I try to put my energy towards doing what's good for me and healling and moving on.

 

That thought was in my mind when I thought about my ex being happy with this girl. He's a liar and a cheater, and she's in a relationship with him, so I'm not confident of things going well for them in the long run. But that's kind of beside the point - I guess I'm just jealous because they have all the things I want in terms of love, commitment, a home, etc. If I had those things with someone, I wouldn't really care what my ex was doing, but the fact that I don't have those things makes it painful that he does... especially since he's the lying cheater who should be suffering, not me. He treated me like crap, and then he moved on and has all the happy things I always wanted, while I'm still alone.

[Eeyore79]

I have moved on, and I'm not in love with him any more. I really do wish him well, and I hope he can sort out his problems and be faithful in his current relationship. I just feel sad that he has all the things he didn't want when he was with me, while I wanted those things all along and I still don't have them.

 

Recently I've seen a few of my exes move in with someone, get engaged, and one even got married a few weeks ago. I had the same kind of feelings - I wish them well but I feel sad that I don't have those things in my life. I didn't really want to be with those guys though, so the feelings were less intense. But I genuinely did want to be with this guy, so seeing him having all this happiness just rubs my nose in the fact that he obviously wants those things but not with me - nobody wants those things with me