TomerT Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Dear all, I will be very thankful if you could try to explain me this behaviour: Two weeks ago my X girlfriend broke up with me. Since then she already tried to contact me 2 times, but we never talked. I didn't answer, since first of all I was really busy, and secondly was not sure what I am going to say to her at this moment. After few hours I called her back - she didn't answer, next day I sent her short, friendly, funny SMS (just to release pressure ). Still no reply..nothing... So my question is why is she calling me ? My guess is that she just "teasing" (or may be "testing") me if I still somewhere "near". If she has something important to say she can email, send SMS, right ? Should I answer her next time ? What if I really busy and actually can not answer her phone ? My concern is that she will think that I deliberately ignore her and then will never call again.
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 My concern is that she will think that I deliberately ignore her and then will never call again. This should not be your fear; it should be your objective. If she really really wanted to get back together then she would put effort into it, she would be at your door pounding until 4am, she would be ringing 24/7, she would be crawling through broken glass and hot coals to talk to you. Don't accept a demotion to "friend zone", or "backup plan".
Author TomerT Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 This should not be your fear; it should be your objective. If she really really wanted to get back together then she would put effort into it, she would be at your door pounding until 4am, she would be ringing 24/7, she would be crawling through broken glass and hot coals to talk to you. Don't accept a demotion to "friend zone", or "backup plan". I want her back by her initiative, but I really don't want to "humiliate" her like this. This is not my objective. Is this the only way to make sure that she really wants me back ? The problem also that she abroad now for another 3 weeks and I 'afraid' that if she will think that I already moved on (or just ignore her cause I angry at her) she will do the same (cause I know for sure that her X from last long relationship "orbiting" somewhere near her, and by the way even could be a reason for the break up)
thrownaway Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 This sounds like a tough one. Could you explain a little more about your objective? You want to get back together with her right? Is there a meaning hidden behind what it is you are trying to teach her?
thrownaway Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 The problem also that she abroad now for another 3 weeks and I 'afraid' that if she will think that I already moved on (or just ignore her cause I angry at her) she will do the same (cause I know for sure that her X from last long relationship "orbiting" somewhere near her, and by the way even could be a reason for the break up) I see his concern though... even if she does want to get back together, if she thinks that he moved on and she does the same, then she may do something that could change the course of the relationship for the worse. He's worried he's taking nc too far now.
Author TomerT Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I see his concern though... even if she does want to get back together, if she thinks that he moved on and she does the same, then she may do something that could change the course of the relationship for the worse. He's worried he's taking nc too far now. You absolutely right - this is exactly my concern. I am not trying to teach her anything (may be I naive though) - I just want her back for good So, I am not getting apart from my phone for a second. On the other hand when I call/sms her back she ignores and disappears for several days. I already start thinking "whether I really want her back ?", what if she will behave like this in future ? I don't want (neither deserve) to be in this situation again. I am tired...it already continues for 3 weeks (she left to her country for 6 weeks and broke with me few days after on Skype)
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Have you already told her that you want her back? If so then you need to retain your dignity and not grovel or beg to her any more. If she knows you want her back, then to keep harassing her is just going to piss her off. No woman likes a whiney, clingy man. She ignores your calls and disappears, that tells me she does not feel the same as you. So you need to NC. If she does want you back then she already knows what she needs to do. Constantly asking her is not going to help your cause at all.
Author TomerT Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Have you already told her that you want her back? If so then you need to retain your dignity and not grovel or beg to her any more. If she knows you want her back, then to keep harassing her is just going to piss her off. No woman likes a whiney, clingy man. She ignores your calls and disappears, that tells me she does not feel the same as you. So you need to NC. If she does want you back then she already knows what she needs to do. Constantly asking her is not going to help your cause at all. She knows that I want her back. BUT, I never never begged or grovelled On the contrary, I told her that of course I am not happy, but I respect her decision. That's all. Since the break up we didn't talk in any form (no sms, no email, nothing..) She has no idea what I am going through... Only you know She may even assume that I already moved on and started to see some other girl (that by the way she was jealous about and even asked me about her when she broke with me). This is the reason I concerned that she may think that I already moved on and "give up" on me. She knows me - I will not chase her, I told her many times that I love her and will be happy for her even if she will be with someone else. But I can feel that she tried to contact me, may be to provoke me to chase her...I don't know. May be just to "test" me that I am somewhere "near", in reach...
westrock Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I didn't answer, since first of all I was really busy, and secondly was not sure what I am going to say to her at this moment. Don't worry about what you are going to say.... it's up to her to say what she wants. If she shows any sign of interest then ask her to tell you more. You want her to do the talking. If she has something important to say she can email, send SMS, right ? Should I answer her next time ? What if I really busy and actually can not answer her phone ? My concern is that she will think that I deliberately ignore her and then will never call again. Yes answer her next time! Unless you are truly unable to answer the phone then make an effort to answer it. I don't agree that she would email or SMS if it is important... maybe if it was urgent then yes they can email / SMS. But if it is just important but not urgent, then the preferred method is to talk rather than write. It's possible that she doesn't answer you back because she's not sure what she wants to say either. If she really really wanted to get back together then she would put effort into it, she would be at your door pounding until 4am, she would be ringing 24/7, she would be crawling through broken glass and hot coals to talk to you. I am not a big fan of this approach. It just doesn't happen that way from what I have observed. Even dumpers who come on here and say they want to get back together don't do that. Nobody will be pounding at your door until 4am, ringing 24/7 or crawling through broken glass and hot coals. Not realistic even for Hollywood. A more realistic scenario is that she will make a few attempts to reach out to you, preferably by voice, to see if you are upset at her. If she's comfortable that you are not upset, then maybe she will start to open up but that may not occur until you have talked a few more times. Don't accept a demotion to "friend zone", or "backup plan". I agree with this, but you should still accept her phone calls. She knows that I want her back. BUT, I never never begged or grovelled On the contrary, I told her that of course I am not happy, but I respect her decision. That's all. Since the break up we didn't talk in any form (no sms, no email, nothing..) She has no idea what I am going through... Only you know She may even assume that I already moved on and started to see some other girl (that by the way she was jealous about and even asked me about her when she broke with me). This is the reason I concerned that she may think that I already moved on and "give up" on me. She knows me - I will not chase her, I told her many times that I love her and will be happy for her even if she will be with someone else. But I can feel that she tried to contact me, may be to provoke me to chase her...I don't know. May be just to "test" me that I am somewhere "near", in reach... I think you have the right attitude here. Let her come to you, but don't make it impossible for her to reach you. Next time answer the phone.
Author TomerT Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 You are (all) very supportive. I am going to bathroom with my phone. The other "tricky" thing is that I know for sure that her X from long relationship orbiting somewhere near her those days (and actually may be had some contribution to her breakup with me, although I take most of the responsibility about the breakup on myself)... So lets assume that I answer and we have a friendly, light, funny conversation, what does it mean ? I would like to know have she decided to come back to her X (and she is calling me "as a friend" or "just to be nice"), have they been together (and I don't mean coffee, cause if so - for me this is completely end)... On the other hand I can not ask her all this questions, cause it will only show my insecurity and that I still didn't get over her....So I afraid to talk with her, because after this conversation I will be more confused/depressed, etc.... How do I handle this one ?
Recommended Posts