xx.Kael.xx Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 "ls everything ok?....I have this horrible feeling. You know I'm here if you need anything....always..." I could just be reaching..but something tells me there's more behind this. I mean, I told her 3 days ago I was doing fine, then we said our final goodbye...came home off work tonight and got that msg..hmm. help?
TaraMaiden Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Yes, there is... she's not getting her ego-feed.... DO NOT REPLY!! DO NOT RESPOND - But if you felt like doing so, this is what you could say: "Yes, I do need something. I need you to either commit back to me, 100% and not end this, or I need you to completely stop contacting me for anything at all, ever, period, full stop, end of story. That's what I need. What is it going to be? if it's the second - then don't answer, and please leave me alone from now on." you have a choice. Either send the above, and let her have it loud and clear, or ignore her message, but then risk hearing from her again. Up to you.
Simon Attwood Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Tara, Tara, Tara ... (where's the shaking my head smiley? ) OP ... it could mean nothing or it could mean everything .. we all have hungry egos that need feeding, even the neo-buddhists amongst us . You cannot know what it means unless you follow it. Your ex might have abandonment/intimacy issues that will from time to time make her either push you away, or cause her to pull away from you. You may not get the result you really want. You will have to be prepared for rejection again, but this may all be a test or just a blip caused by her issues. Even if you get the result you really want, then there's a good chance you might have to learn to cope with constant rejections. You won't get answers here, there's no way you can be sure of the response, but if you can cope with a lack of certainty (and this takes considerable fortitude) then just follow it, and see what happens, but prepare yourself for uncertainty and any eventuality.
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Yes, there is... she's not getting her ego-feed.... DO NOT REPLY!! DO NOT RESPOND - Yes, do this. If she wanted you back then she'd be on her hands and knees begging, not sending airy-fairy text messages that don't actually say anything.
Simon Attwood Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 If she wanted you back then she'd be on her hands and knees begging. Have you ever heard of anyone actually really doing this? it's just not the way it works, although i can understand the attraction of this fantasy. It's simple and it strokes the ego Relationships just don't work like that. Relationships are complicated. We make them complicated because our 2 most fundamental needs are almost totally incompatible; security and intimacy. One involves protecting what is vulnerable from other people, and the other involves exposing what is vulnerable to someone else. We weave a terrible mess trying to combine the 2.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Have you ever heard of anyone actually really doing this? it's just not the way it works, although i can understand the attraction of this fantasy. It's simple and it strokes the ego Relationships just don't work like that. Relationships are complicated. We make them complicated because our 2 most fundamental needs are almost totally incompatible; security and intimacy. One involves protecting what is vulnerable from other people, and the other involves exposing what is vulnerable to someone else. We weave a terrible mess trying to combine the 2. Simon - this is not complicated, this girl quit him and he does not deserve to be strung along by ambivelent texts. Asking her outright why she is contacting him protects him from getting hurt once again. He is not having a relationship with this person they broke up and he is in NC to heal himself. She needs to either say she wants him back or leave him alone. That is the only way to heal. (so sorry Kael for jacking your thread, hope you are doing ok and that we gave you good advice )
smk Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Yes, there is... she's not getting her ego-feed.... DO NOT REPLY!! DO NOT RESPOND - But if you felt like doing so, this is what you could say: "Yes, I do need something. I need you to either commit back to me, 100% and not end this, or I need you to completely stop contacting me for anything at all, ever, period, full stop, end of story. That's what I need. What is it going to be? if it's the second - then don't answer, and please leave me alone from now on." you have a choice. Either send the above, and let her have it loud and clear, or ignore her message, but then risk hearing from her again. Up to you. dude listen to this woman - she knows her stuff and she is absolutely right... i was in a similar place except my ex would keep on texting either just to say hello or to tell me about all the great things she had been upto since we broke up and i did have to send a similar msg and guess what she stopped texting me altogether so she obviously didnt want to get back but just wanted to keep me dangling on a string...
Username37 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 "ls everything ok?....I have this horrible feeling. You know I'm here if you need anything....always..." I could just be reaching..but something tells me there's more behind this. I mean, I told her 3 days ago I was doing fine, then we said our final goodbye...came home off work tonight and got that msg..hmm. help? She's feeling bad and she wants to make sure you're not angry at her. Let her feel bad. This is what she wanted: You out of her life. And since you're still in pain and she's out having a ****ing good time. It's just not fair. NC my friend.
Nappeal Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Nope...don't respond. Nothing about responding will get you the results you want...but more heartache and regret.
spriggig Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Have you ever heard of anyone actually really doing this? I think the real-life equivalent of this (obvious) allegory is the 180, where the SO spins on a dime and suddenly makes every effort to reconcile. What_Next's wife is apparently doing this very thing right now (as of a couple of days ago). There is no ambiguity, no question that the SO is seeking reconciliation. There are no "what does this mean" posts when an SO comes "crawling back, begging".
Nappeal Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 There is no ambiguity, no question that the SO is seeking reconciliation. There are no "what does this mean" posts when an SO comes "crawling back, begging". I think this speaks volumes for any dumpees who question the x's motives. If you have to guess what they're saying, then just assume they're not sying anything @ all.
Simon Attwood Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I think the real-life equivalent of this (obvious) allegory is the 180, where the SO spins on a dime and suddenly makes every effort to reconcile. What_Next's wife is apparently doing this very thing right now (as of a couple of days ago). There is no ambiguity, no question that the SO is seeking reconciliation. There are no "what does this mean" posts when an SO comes "crawling back, begging". Went and had a read of What_Next's story ... nothing complicated there then .
TheLoneSock Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 You cannot know what it means unless you follow it. That's exactly the purpose of her message. It's a breadcrumb. Breadcrumb trails are given to be followed, which is exactly what the OP shouldn't do. Bottom line: don't respond, OP.
skydiveaddict Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 "ls everything ok?....I have this horrible feeling. You know I'm here if you need anything....always..." I could just be reaching..but something tells me there's more behind this. I mean, I told her 3 days ago I was doing fine, then we said our final goodbye...came home off work tonight and got that msg..hmm. help? The message means nothing She's trying to pacify guilt. Do not respond
PegNosePete Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Have you ever heard of anyone actually really doing this? Yep exactly what spriggig said. It doesn't have to be literally crawling on hands and knees through hot coals. But it has to be totally obvious, 100% attempt to reconcile, no hidden meanings or vagueness, and no "what does this mean?" posts. If you wonder what it means, then it's not 100% and therefore not worth responding to.
Simon Attwood Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I spent so much time reading What_Next’s story that I ran out of time to give a complete reply, so here it is; What_Next’s story is a perfect example of the incompatibility of our 2 prime basic needs as I discussed above; The need for security, i.e. to protect ourselves from exposing our vulnerabilities. And the need for intimacy, i.e. to be able to expose our vulnerabilities to another person. The wife began feeling insecure and without a rational reason to put on that insecurity, put it on the relationship, this became a destructive influence upon the relationship. She felt threatened by the relationship and rationalised that escaping the relationship would release her from her fears. But it got to the point where her brain kicked in and she realised that destroying her relationship would, instead of release her from her fears, only add to her insecurity. She realised she had made a mistake. But by this time, poor old WN had developed his own insecurities about his vulnerabilities and the need to protect himself kicked in. He is now spurning her attempts reconcile because he is now functioning from the protective mindset. He is now the one feeling insecure and lacking the courage to respond to her attempts to reconcile. Back to the incompatibility issue; although these basic needs, on the face of it, are incompatible, our early experiences with our parents (especially the mother), if these are stable, loving and consistent, teach us to be able to integrate these needs. If our early experiences with our parents involve high levels of stress or anxiety towards the connections with the mother and father, the parts of the brain that develop to regulate emotions and behaviours, that allow us to integrate our 2 basic needs of security and intimacy, do not develop their connections in an optimum manner, they are broken. And we are broken. OP (and others), there is a reason why they say really loving someone is probably the most courageous thing you can do. It involves having the courage to be vulnerable, to be totally exposed. Here am I saying “have courage!” And here there are others saying “put your defences up”, “put your walls up”, “remove yourself from any potential harm”, “Protect yourself”. These others have chosen this path for themselves and may be justifying these choices by preaching these choices to others as if there is no other choice, but there is another choice, the choice to have courage. You have to choose which path to take, the courageous one, or the one where you protect yourself from any further pain. 99.9% of second chances start with an olive branch, and how you respond to that olive branch determines whether it is an olive branch, or whether it is a birch stick to beat you with. As an example; when I was first seeing my wife, she left me after 3 months and went back to an ex. Despite attempts, no explanation from her or get her discuss her decision was forthcoming, until 3 months later, I got an olive branch, she'd had a problem at work, she had been suspended from her job because of a false accusation and she phoned me because she needed to talk to someone and needed advice. It was an olive branch and I was there for her. A year later we were married. We are animals, and our first need is to protect ourselves, and it is this need that is at the root of all the reasons we make relationships complicated. It’s fear, plain and simple primitive animal fear. Overcoming this fear is essential to any healthy relationship. if I didn't say it well enough, perhaps M Scott Peck said it better in "The Road Less Travelled"; When we extend ourselves, our self enters a new and unfamiliar territory. Our self becomes a new and different self. we do things we are not accustomed to do. We change. The experience of change, of unaccustomed activity, of being on unfamiliar ground, of doing things differently, is frightening. It always was and always will be. People handle their fear of change in different ways, but the fear is inescapable if the changes are to take place. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the making a decision in spite of fear, the moving out and changing against the resistance engendered by fear in to the unknown and in to the future. On some level spiritual growth, and therefore love, always requires courage and involves risk. We can love only that which in one way or another has importance for us. But with cathexis there is always the risk of loss or rejection. If you move out to another human being, there is always the risk that that person will move away from you, leaving you more painfully alone than you were before. Love anything that lives - a person, a pet, a plant - and it will die. Trust anybody and you may be hurt, depend on anyone and that someone may let you down. The price of risking love, is pain. If someone is determined not to or fears the risk of pain, then that person must do without a great many things in life - Having Children, Getting Married, The ecstasy of sex, the hope of ambition, friendship - all that makes life alive, meaningful and significant. Risk growing in any direction and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain and suffering, it is inevitable for risk brings with it failure as well as success. But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all. To live in fear.
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