So Now What! How can I ask for a divorce?

[lovelythoughts]

Post from November 2005

 

As a single mother of a little girl... getting into the dating scene seemed rather difficult. Then I met a man that seemed to be everything I was ever looking for... and even more. My daughter upon our meeting was only about 9 months old... and he didn't seem to mind. We shared good times and bad... and despite his saying that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend... he continued to be by my side... there for me... enjoying our time together both mentally and physically. We were together nearly every weekend... and then some. And despite his "not wanting a girlfriend"... he showed me with every date... vacation... or visit... that he enjoyed being with me... with us.

 

Then due to some financial hardship... I was forced to move out of my home, and he allowed my daughter and myself to move into his apartment. Although rules on were set from the beginning as far as relationship expectations, as well as a 90 day time frame... we were still the same as we ever were... enjoying each others time and company.

 

Although there were rules, I began feeling as though we were closer than just a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. I began sharing more... emotionally and financially, and he as well. Getting comfortable... I reached out to a family member of his of whom I never met, in an effort to throw him a surprise birthday celebration for all of his kindness and understanding. However, that was not received well by he or the family member... and in fact, the family member warned me that his intentions may not be what I assumed, and that I should be careful, and even consider moving sooner than I had expected.

 

With these words of caution, I began finding traces that maybe I was being deceived in some way. Although we never officially committed... he called me his girl, and I called him mine... so I assumed we were a couple in a one on one relationship. But text messages and voice mails revealed that he was communicating with all as if I didn't exist. As if we were there out of charity... not that we shared any kind of loving commitment between the two of us.

 

Frustrated as I wasn't prepared to move emotionally or financially... I became very hard to live with... sneaking emails... text messages... anything that would allow me into the real of the situation... despite his denying any kind of infidelity.

 

However... near my 90 day mark I became pregnant... pissing him off... and changing the dynamics of our relationship all together. He didn't want the baby... and explained that he never wanted me. He was just being nice to me because he cared for me and my child.

 

How is this possible?

 

How can a man allow a woman with a young child to be in a situation where he knew there was a chance that all of this could come to pass? Maybe I am just being immature in this matter, as I am 28 and he is nearly 10 years my senior... however I still am confused.

 

 

 

 

 

Sooo, flash forward about 5 years. After much forwarned caution, I married this man about a year and a half after the above post. We relocated early in the marriage, which took me away from family, but allowed us to focus on being a wife and mother, to get things right. We had a plan of working hard, buying a home, having children together...

 

Year one I gave birth to our son, which had a positive impact on our life. He supported me throughout the pregnancy, and there after. However, seemed to be having difficulty in financially supporting the families growing needs. However, after the baby, I was able to assist in getting the finances together enough to move into our first home together.

 

As soon as we moved in, his career became questionable. He seemed more in tune with being a buddy with his son than bringing home the bacon. I became worried, as I was at home, attempting to raise my daughter, and our young son.

 

Year three, I became pregnant with the third child. Definitly unplanned, and only an exacerbation to a hectic financial situation. It seemed that he has grown into the love and the marriage, and the family, but was not and has not been able to provide.

 

I had our baby girl six weeks ago. Becuase of his inabaility to provide, we lost our home, and are currently living back in my home state with some family friends of his. We have no money, and no place to go. My children are displaced, and all of the things we worked for both together and apart is gone.

 

He has been offered a position working with this family friend, however, nothing is guaranteed. I have been busting my behind, 6 weeks postpartum, to find employment, with some positive feedback. I am realizing that I may be better off with out him. Somehow, I'm feeling like my old single, professional, hard working, single mom again.

 

He on the other hand is sleeping, mouth open, on the sofa next to me, without a thought in the world about our current predicament.

 

Although he has turned into a wonderful father, and is a loving husband... he is a flake. Although he has given me 2 beautiful children, and loves my daughter as his own, I can't help but to feel that I should have listened to the advice given before all of this occurred.

 

I am thinking that I want a divorce, or at minimum, a trial separation, but am unclear as to how to go about doing it.

 

Any rational advice (of which I am open and accepting of) is welcomed.

 

Thank you in advance!

[just_some_guy]

Rational? Why start now?

 

He's yours. There's no abuse, apparently no nookie on the side. You have two kids together and a third of your own. Make it work. If he can't hold down a job and you can, get out there and do it. Let him be Mr. Mom. The kids come first and kids do best with two parents whenever possible. He's your flake, you married him, you slept with him, you had two children with him. Can't bug out now just because he doesn't live up to your expectations. You are going to have to make it work as a family.

[WalkInThePark]

Rational? Why start now?

 

He's yours. There's no abuse, apparently no nookie on the side. You have two kids together and a third of your own. Make it work. If he can't hold down a job and you can, get out there and do it. Let him be Mr. Mom. The kids come first and kids do best with two parents whenever possible. He's your flake, you married him, you slept with him, you had two children with him. Can't bug out now just because he doesn't live up to your expectations. You are going to have to make it work as a family.

 

You must be kidding. There is something wrong with this man. I don't know what but his behaviour is not normal.

 

There is also something wrong with the lady who started this topic, because why have children with someone like that? Pregnancies don't just happen! If there are so many problems already, one should do everything possible to avoid another child...

[jamesum]

I dont understand. How will divorcing him make anything better?

 

Unless you are thinking maybe if you were single you would be able to find a rich man or something.

[You Go Girl]

You're going through a lot of stress, and are hurt that he isn't as seriously concerned that your standard of living as fallen so drastically, and it's turning into unproductive anger.

This is not the time to reflect on some real or imagined past transgression. It will work though, if it is your goal, to convince yourself that he's been a bad seed right from the beginning.

However, speaking of seeds...you've sewn two with him, and he's taken on one that isn't his and treated it with love. How about waiting this time period out, having the necessary discussions without accusations, withholding judgment for a bit, and trying to make it work? Give your marriage a shot in hell here. Give your man time to wake up and smell the lack of money to buy some coffee.

I understand you're in pain! Hugs!

Now your man obviously needs to turn a financial corner. Just look him in the eye and say, Where do we go from here, babe? A little resigned disappointment in your tone wouldn't hurt to drive the point home, but angry accusations aren't going to motivate the man nor fix the problem.

The bigger question is this: Is he a forever flake, or a fixable one? In the nicest, most sincere and loving manner you can, subtly show that that is what is at stake here. The D word need not even come up until he's had time to contemplate the consequences on his own. Then I'd simply file, assuming of course, that I thought I could do better on my own, not with the career path of finding a new H.

[carhill]

OP, check with your local social services and see if a college nearby offers free MC. Psych departments often offer it as part of their programs for psychologists in training. That's one step. Also, if you are religious, ask at your place of worship if any counseling is available.

 

You say you're six weeks post-partum. IMO, this is not a time to be making life-altering decisions. If your style is hard and clear timelines, set one, say for the new year, and stick to it. Take the interceding time, give the current dynamic your best shot, communicate *clearly* what you *want* from your husband, and *accept* the results and move on from there.

[just_some_guy]

Although he has turned into a wonderful father, and is a loving husband... he is a flake. Although he has given me 2 beautiful children, and loves my daughter as his own, I can't help but to feel that I should have listened to the advice given before all of this occurred.

 

I am thinking that I want a divorce, or at minimum, a trial separation, but am unclear as to how to go about doing it.

 

Any rational advice (of which I am open and accepting of) is welcomed.

 

Thank you in advance!

 

 

Again I say, you have THREE children in the balance. Ok, he's a flake. But he's not on dope, he's not screwing the entire neighborhood, he's not hurting or abusing you. You said yourself, "a wonderful father and a loving husband."

 

You also said you are the hard working girl.

 

Well, some families flip these roles and the wife becomes the breadwinner and the hubby stays at home and tends the children.

 

Yes, he is not living up to the responsibilities you want him to take on, the traditional father and breadwinner. Yes, he probably needs counseling and I wouldn't be able to live like that myself, but HE lives that way and he is the father of two of your children and the emotional father-role for your first.

 

Find a way to make this WORK. Your children NEED both parents.

 

If he can't find work, go down and get on food stamps, AFDC or whatever is available to you.

 

Where is your first child's father?

[just_some_guy]

You must be kidding. There is something wrong with this man. I don't know what but his behaviour is not normal.

 

There is also something wrong with the lady who started this topic, because why have children with someone like that? Pregnancies don't just happen! If there are so many problems already, one should do everything possible to avoid another child...

 

There is no requirement to be normal for fatherhood. There are three kids who love him as a father. They come first, period.

 

If he doesn't hold down a job, for whatever reason, but is a good, loving caretaker, make it work for the children's sake.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I do realize that pregnancies happen by accident, but you are at least 50% responsible for at least 2 "accidental" ones. I guess my feeling is that you made choices all the way down this road ... and I hope you will hang in there. It does not sound like this man misrepresented himself.

[lovelythoughts]

Thank you all for the advice.

 

I agree that because he is a wonderful father, and I made this commitment... divorce may be a bit irrational at this point.

 

Truthfully, getting a full time job was not in my mindset, as I had other career objectives. However, due to the circumstances, he just may be better off being Mr. Mom. I just fear allowing this will cause an even greater feeling of resentment, and I will ultimately decide to leave him anyway.

 

 

What ever the case, I will support him "lovingly" (Thank you "YOU GO GIRL")

and deal with the consequences of my decision making... for now.

 

Thanks again!

[lovelythoughts]

This is what all of my family thinks. That there is something wrong with him. And a part of me agrees. It is a great part of my frustration!

 

I'm in love with the normal, caring part... resulting in the births of our children. No excuse, however, is the reason!

[2sunny]

just_some_guy;2959124

 

Again I say, you have THREE children in the balance. Ok, he's a flake. But he's not on dope, he's not screwing the entire neighborhood, he's not hurting or abusing you. You said yourself, "a wonderful father and a loving husband."

 

this is quite a huge assumption. he MAY being doing drugs, prescription meds or even be depressed. it's worth looking into to be sure that there's not an issue you have overlooked. IF it is an issue - he may not be willing to be honest about it to you. admitting the problem is the hardest step.

 

on the same but different note - he may very well be depressed. has he been assessed for depression or anything that could be causing his lack of motivation to provide basics for his growing family? don't rule anything out.

 

Where is your first child's father?

 

the first child's father should be paying child support. if he's not - then take action to be sure that starts.

 

 

the other thing - what exactly was it that concerned his family five years ago. what was it that they were trying to warn you about? did you ever talk with him about the concerns they expressed? did he do anything to repair what made them skeptical about him and his behavior back then?

[mem11363]

I think the suggestion below is best. I also believe that IF you can live with the idea of him staying home you should be very clear about what you expect him to do. It is likely if he "plays" with the kids all day and you come home to a messy house, laundry piles and uncooked dinner you will end up in divorce court. On the other hand if he takes it all over so you can focus on career and not feel burned out by having 2 full time jobs - maybe it can work.

 

My W was a SAHM and she did everything. And that let me work really hard resulting in a very positive financial situation. This can work as long as the stay at home spouse works as hard at their job as the breadwinning spouse.

 

 

OP, check with your local social services and see if a college nearby offers free MC. Psych departments often offer it as part of their programs for psychologists in training. That's one step. Also, if you are religious, ask at your place of worship if any counseling is available.

 

You say you're six weeks post-partum. IMO, this is not a time to be making life-altering decisions. If your style is hard and clear timelines, set one, say for the new year, and stick to it. Take the interceding time, give the current dynamic your best shot, communicate *clearly* what you *want* from your husband, and *accept* the results and move on from there.

[TiredSue]

Lovely Thoughts, I can relate.

 

My husband sounds a lot like yours. Very kind and affectionate, and an excellent father. Very helpful around the house. And absolutely terrible with money. Very unmotivated financially. Very unwilling to do anything but the bare minimum financially.

 

I've always worked full time, and I've always made more money. I used to work strictly from my home office, but this is no longer possible, and I now work from 6AM - 2PM, out of the house. (Everyone else in the office works 9-5, but I want to be home with my kids in the afternoon, so I wheedled my way into this schedule. I hate the idea of not being there for them, but recognize that I need to work.)

 

None of his financial shortcomings really used to bother me - I accepted that just wasn't his gift. BUT - last year when I was pregnant he had a mild EA, and all of the things that used to be no big deal, that I used to just overlook because he had so many good qualities - well, all of a sudden they're making me really angry, probably partly because everything seems to be financially escalating.

 

Whenever we have some kind of financial crisis (which is often), it is always up to me to figure out what to do - whether that is find another freelance job to take on, sell something on eBay - whatever. He does NOTHING about it. He just shrugs his shoulders. It drives me crazy.

 

We make plenty of money but our finances have always been a total mess. I agreed to take on a freelance job two weeks ago - a job that means I am staying up till about 2AM every night working on it, and then getting up at 5:30AM to go to work. I am exhausted, but it was worth it because I was going to use that money to pay off what we owe in back taxes.

 

So the other night I woke up when I heard our car alarm going off, and went out front to see that it was being REPOSSESSED. I knew nothing about it. My husband told me he "forgot" to make the car payment. For THREE MONTHS IN A ROW. When we had the money in the bank and could've paid it. So all of that money I was going to put toward bills ($3,000) - will now have to go for a used car for him, so that he can get to work. So every night I'm staying up late working, just seething over his irresponsibility.

 

I FINALLY took over the bills. I don't know why I waited for so long. I realize it's nuts that I continued to go along with letting him be in charge of the bills. He just put such a big stake in having that be "his thing." It's bad enough that I make twice what he does, I didn't want to have that be yet another blow to his masculine pride or whatever. But I can't let him continue to run us into the ground. He is angry about it.

 

I am just so tired. I am so tired of working so hard. I am exhausted all the time. I'm ready to have grown-up finances. I want to buckle down, pay off our bills one by one and be FREE OF IT, and he just refuses to go along with it. I've added up the numbers over and over and I would be better off financially WITHOUT him.

 

When I talk to him about it he says victim stuff like, "I will never make enough money for you," or "go find yourself a rich husband then," as if that's what I wanted. He says my resentment is destroying our marriage, as if it's that and not his fiscal and emotional irresponsibility. Like, I'm mad for a REASON, HELLO. But he doesn't acknowledge what he did to cause the anger, he just points at my anger as though that is the problem.

 

I don't even want to talk about it or fight about it now, there is no point. He doesn't get it. I am mainly just in it for the kids at this point. I'm just so tired. I feel like a shell of my old self.

 

And yes, I chose him. Fourteen years ago. But people change. Some people grow up, and some don't.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I love him as a person, but I resent him for making me into his work slave. I feel like a work horse, like all I will ever be in my life is a drudge.

 

Mostly I'm just really tired. And now I have to get back to work.

Edited September 3, 2010 by TiredSue

[jenifer1972]

Do you think he really meant it that he never really wanted you?? Was HE looking for a caretaker for himself?? My ex was like this and the man that TiredSue mentioned. Total flake. I had to take over everything. Then when after 11 yrs of him not working, I filed for divorce and he sued ME for alimony..

 

However, you are post partum and I agree with the others that this moment is probably not the best to make major life changes. I would take this time to try to get things sorted out, and give him some clear ultimatums. You need to see some effort on his part to be a provider. You have to give actual date deadlines to people like this. And then tell him clearly what you will do if he doesn't start acting like an adult. Sounds like he has some good qualities. Maybe it's redeemable...

[lovelythoughts]

Wow. Your situation sounds JUST like mine.

 

Traditionally, I thought he would take on the role of the head of household, however, he did nothing... bills piled up... both of our cars were repossessed as well!

 

I feel that although it may be his nature to be irresponsible, that is not an excuse in either of our situations.

 

For me, we have been (for all intensive purposes) homeless for the last month. I am not willing to chance having 2 part time jobs, and most importantly losing the precious bonding experiences with my children because of his inadequacies.'

 

I also recently found out from the family friend that we are staying with that my husband dropped out of college. He's been lying about it for years.... even on his resume! I am shocked, and feel totally played!!!

 

He's a fraud!

[lovelythoughts]

Thank you for the confidence. I hope it is redeemable, however, I'm having doubts.