Clemenza Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 (If this is too long please tell me and I can shorten it. Just want to include a little background. Thanks) I'm 28 and she's 30. We live about 800 miles apart, met online last year and met up soon after that (August). We were on and off romantic for about 6 months until she told me that she became attracted to somebody else. We didn't talk for about 3 months until we ran into each other at an event we both attend every year. Sparks flew again and she called me a week or so later to tell me that she had feelings for me and wanted to try something again. I was reluctant, but I really fell for her during this time and decided to give it a go. She visited me a couple of weeks later and we've been officially in a relationship for the past 3 or 4 months. Things started out this time around with major fireworks. We were really into each other. Very affectionate and romantic. We talked about our future. We also talked about how we had been through a lot together since we met last year and that we felt we could overcome anything. Communication was one of our favorite things about our relationship. I had some things that bothered me, I know the guy who she became attracted to, but it's nothing that couldn't be helped out by talking to her. She was also never shy about bringing things up to me and I had no problem listening. About a month or so into this, affection from her started to really drop. I figured it might just be a phase and I didn't mention it. Things were still fine in person. The affection has dwindled even more since then. Very rarely does she say she loves me or misses me. She used to think it was weird if we didn't do anything sexual on web cam for 2 days. Over the past month and a half, we've done something once. She used to always tell me how important I was to her and tell me that I look good. She would tell me how excited she was to see me. No more. I finally brought it up to her about a month ago and she got mad. That was unlike her because I could bring up anything before. She said she wasn't in the mood to talk about it because she talks to me to feel good, not to feel stressed. But it was bugging me, so I brought it up every few days. An explanation I finally got is that it's tiring for her to show affection like before, life gets in the way, she gets irritable, etc. She told me that her feelings have not changed and that we haven't been on the same page, but it's nothing to worry about. Today we had a discussion that caused us to openly question the relationship for the first time. The subject of affection came up again and she got mad cause she said I always bring it up and she just wants to relax. There is currently a 7-hour time difference between us because she's in Europe for a few weeks, so it's always in the evening there when we talk. It came up because we were talking about another couple and I asked her if she thought we were too intense at the beginning of our relationship. I told her that I asked that because the passion has died out quite a bit. And I said that I want to re-kindle some of that because I love her and don't want that stuff to go away. We both deserve to have that. During the conversation she told me a couple of eye-opening things. 1) She wants to be selfish (her words) right now. So she isn't willing to sacrifice spending money on concerts so she could see me. Which, she says, she feels bad about. She said it's because she spent 10 years giving her money and emotions to other people. 2) She's content with our LDR and doesn't feel the need to see me very often. Only when she can afford to pay for concerts THEN airfare to see me. Though she wouldn't object to me living closer. Both of these are far cries from what she told me a few months ago. She told me back then that she was ready to be in a serious relationship with me and would do anything to be with me. But now it's back to her wanting a selfish period. That was a main sticking point when I first met her and she assured me she was over that. I guess not. We decided to not talk online tomorrow and maybe just email. Am I being too needy or is her change in affection and attitude toward the relationship a genuine cause for me to ask questions? I have a ton of other questions, but I'll keep it at that. Thank you, everyone.
aerogurl87 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Point blank she told you in so many words that you are not a priority in her life at this point. She thinks concerts and having fun are more important than seeing you. She doesn't think seeing you on a regular basis is that much of a big deal unless it fits into her budget, meaning she wants to put no effort into being with you. Do you honestly want this out of a relationship?
Author Clemenza Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Point blank she told you in so many words that you are not a priority in her life at this point. She thinks concerts and having fun are more important than seeing you. She doesn't think seeing you on a regular basis is that much of a big deal unless it fits into her budget, meaning she wants to put no effort into being with you. Do you honestly want this out of a relationship? Thank you for your response! It was very blunt and to the point. And also refreshing to read because I've been feeling like I'm not a priority. No, I don't want this out of a relationship. I guess I'm not in a hurry to break up with her because I've put so much energy into this for over a year and I don't want to let a rough patch break us up. I want to be absolutely sure before I end it. And this seems like such a role reversal, too. Hah. Isn't it usually the woman who is in my position in the relationship? That's why I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive. I'm an anxious person, but I've never needed reassurance in a non-LDR. I keep telling my girlfriend that I seem to need reassurance because it's an LDR and I can't get that physical/non-verbal affection. But she still said that she just sees it as a sign of weakness. Almost all of my friends think I should break up with her because she has the signs of being an emotionally abusive partner. I'm starting to agree.
impz Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) Thank you for your response! It was very blunt and to the point. And also refreshing to read because I've been feeling like I'm not a priority. No, I don't want this out of a relationship. I guess I'm not in a hurry to break up with her because I've put so much energy into this for over a year and I don't want to let a rough patch break us up. I want to be absolutely sure before I end it. And this seems like such a role reversal, too. Hah. Isn't it usually the woman who is in my position in the relationship? That's why I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive. I'm an anxious person, but I've never needed reassurance in a non-LDR. I keep telling my girlfriend that I seem to need reassurance because it's an LDR and I can't get that physical/non-verbal affection. But she still said that she just sees it as a sign of weakness. Almost all of my friends think I should break up with her because she has the signs of being an emotionally abusive partner. I'm starting to agree. I read the whole thing and initially wanted to write quite a few things. Then I realize there's no point. This woman simply takes you as a rag that she can stomp on when she requires it and abandons to watch some stupid concerts when she's not free. What the hell? She is clearly too juvenile and immature (my god, she's 30?) to have any responsibility of any sorts. Do yourself a favor and leave her. And this seems like such a role reversal, too. Hah. Isn't it usually the woman who is in my position in the relationship? That's why I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive. I'm an anxious person, but I've never needed reassurance in a non-LDR. I keep telling my girlfriend that I seem to need reassurance because it's an LDR and I can't get that physical/non-verbal affection. But she still said that she just sees it as a sign of weakness. You captured the LDR element very well. It's all about communication and trust, and you should not need reassurance. I will say she doesn't even know about what it means to love someone in the first place if all she wants to do is have fun. She's a self-centered person that is going on a phase of "I do whatever the hell I want" You really don't want someone like that in your life. Edited August 24, 2010 by impz
madjac74 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I think everyone needs a little reassurance sometimes even in the most solid relationships but loving couples often give this to each other all the time without the other having to ask for it. Even if she is completely secure about your relationship she should realize that you are having concerns and take the time to address those concerns instead of basically just blowing you off. Its fine that she wants to go to concerts and stuff but to outright say that you rank behind them would definately hurt my feelings. I understand that its hard to end something you have put time and emotion into so maybe rather than just ending it give her a "We need to talk" message. Tell her exactly how you are feeling and about having doubts about this relationship going any further. This might piss her off but it's how you feel and if she is committed to the relationship then she will want to work it out.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 She has clearly changed and you are on different pages and it does matter I was left last year after 18 years, I now dread my new partner getting bored with me, sometimes I feel like running away or pushing him away before he pushes me away. From what you have said, you deserve better, Im sorry this has happened.
Author Clemenza Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 You captured the LDR element very well. It's all about communication and trust, and you should not need reassurance. I will say she doesn't even know about what it means to love someone in the first place if all she wants to do is have fun. She's a self-centered person that is going on a phase of "I do whatever the hell I want" You really don't want someone like that in your life. The thing is, she wouldn't have to give up having fun entirely. And I have never asked her to do that. There are events going on where she lives all the time. All it takes for her is more of a balance between me and seeing shows and she is apparently not willing to do that. I've even shouldered more than my share of the airfare so she could have money to see shows. I know how much live music means to her and I love her enough to try to give that to her and be able to have normal once-a-month visits. Live music is my favorite thing to partake in as well, that's how she and I met, but I'm seeing the big picture and making sacrifices right now. Maybe I'm giving too much of myself and should be a little more selfish. That's not in my nature at all, but it could be for the best. Thank you for the feedback. I understand that its hard to end something you have put time and emotion into so maybe rather than just ending it give her a "We need to talk" message. Tell her exactly how you are feeling and about having doubts about this relationship going any further. This might piss her off but it's how you feel and if she is committed to the relationship then she will want to work it out. This would definitely piss her off. I'm going out to visit her in 3 weeks, so my plan is just to essentially numb myself (not with drugs or alcohol) during that time and see how things are with us in person. I'm going to try to emotionally detach myself from stuff for a few weeks, though it may backfire like everything else I try. She has clearly changed and you are on different pages and it does matter I was left last year after 18 years, I now dread my new partner getting bored with me, sometimes I feel like running away or pushing him away before he pushes me away. From what you have said, you deserve better, Im sorry this has happened. I think I deserve better, too. I'm just holding on because it wasn't always like this. She thinks I'm impatient and that I don't give things time to get better. Maybe that's true. I've never been in a real long-term serious relationship, and I'm 28, because I've never met anyone whom I've cared about so much for a long period of time. So my inexperience might be showing. I might be guilty of caring too much. Maybe if I just take a step back and allow it to naturally progress/change, it will be for the better. Just talk to her like I would a friend. That's how we became attracted to each other in the first place. Though, when I've tired to have normal everyday chit-chat with her lately, she says it's dull. When I try to be funny and witty with her lately, she says it's pointless to have "witty" banter that goes nowhere and it annoys her. She's turned into one of the most irritable people I've ever met.
lala82 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I am really sorry that you are living this situation. I think your friends are right, you should end this relationship. She is horrible towards you and she does appretiate you as a person. If she really loves you, she will prefer see you than go to concerts. It is not fair that you are the only one who cares about the relationship. If I were you I run away asap. Love yourself first, do not allow that other people play with your feelings. You are young and I am sure you will fine a person who loves spending time with you.
aerogurl87 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Clemenza your trying to rationalize everything because you're scared of going back to a life without her, which is normal. The only bad part about this approach is when you rationalize what's so glaringly obvious till the last minute where the blinds of denial are lifted and you find that your world crashing around you when she leaves you, is imminent. Yes it will be hard, and yes I understand you've invested so much time, energy, and money into this relationship. But why continue to do this when you could be investing your life into being happy by yourself or finding a partner who will value as much as you value them? This is like buying a business, watching it fail and hoping if you keep putting money into it that it will somehow become revived and prosper one day. Yes it could very well one day get better, but the odds are it will not. And if anyone were to do this in the business world, most would call such a man a fool. Well this relationship isn't much different. Just something else to think about.
Author Clemenza Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 She is in the UK right now. On Saturday night she met up with a mutual friend of ours (a male) and his two friends (both males). Keep in mind she just met those 2 guys that night. She was supposed to go back to her uncle's on Sunday, but I didn't hear from her all day. She decided to attend a music festival instead. She text messaged me around midnight her time saying she tired to text me but wasn't getting service. She told me what she did, but didn't mention anything about who she was with. On Monday, I didn't hear from her all day. I text messaged and sent an email because I thought she would be back at her uncle's by then. Since she's my girlfriend and I care about her, I was just wanting to know if she was safe because she was presumably traveling by herself. I got a text at 7:45am her time (12:45 my time) saying that she's fine and not to worry. And that she'll be in touch soon. 3 hours later, she sent me an email saying that she decided to stay in London another couple of days to see shows. At that point, I had found out through a mutual friend that she was with the 2 guys she met on Saturday night. But my GF failed to mention who she was with in her email. At that point, she said she was back at her uncle's, but was going to London in the evening so she could spend the next day in Brighton. I didn't hear from her at all yesterday, though I sent a couple of text messages, and I haven't heard from her today. It's 7:30pm there now. I'm mad because she took off with 2 guys she just met without telling me. And when she had the chance to talk to me, she failed to mention it. That just seems really shady. I'm wondering where she stayed on Sunday, Monday, and last night and if she was with them the entire time. I think it's extremely disrespectful not to keep me in the loop about this, not to mention hanging for a few days with 2 guys she barely even knows. I feel like she's doing something behind my back and she doesn't respect me or our relationship. If the roles were reversed, she would be really mad if met 2 girls and spent the next few days with them without telling her. She gets mad at me for way less. I'm going to break up with her next time I talk to her. I'm tired of this. I'm clearly not a priority and she thinks she can do things like this. I'm done with her.
Space Ritual Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Clemenza..... I think you have all the proof you need my friend. Sorry to say. as above posters have stated, LDR's need constant trust and communication...neither of which sad to say that you have. Why wait until the next time you talk to her to break it off....One thing I have learned from LDR's myself that went south is that at the point that one person stops caring enough to not play these head games, that the no longer care about your reaction to anything.... That is the bad thing with LDR's....out of sight ...out of mind...and I am afraid that everything points to she was having more than just a good time. Failure to mention hanging out with 2 males is about as disrespectful to you as can be. Thank god you found out and can act. My suggestion....don't give her the pleasure of witnessing you crumble. I had something much akin happen to me last night as a matter of fact, and rather than show this person how crushed I was by her actions I chose to let her wonder about the consequences of them.... I went completely and utterly SILENT . I know this is hard as hell to do because you want what is considered closure...and understandably so...However you will not get it. Your exchange with her will sure to be less than your finest hour if you engage her. You may wish to at a later time but I suggest since she was so unabashedly disrespectful to you that she fits into the category of being the type of person who will not get the point unless paid back in their own coin. even then it is a 50-50 prospect that she gives one hoot in hell about how you feel. You must assume she has moved on long ago and "didn't want to hurt you" or is "confused about where things stand:...if you engage her you will get this stock answer in an attempt to patronize you into caving...whereby she will probably take up with two more of these two guys friends and you will be perusing some festival website and see her photo having the time of her life while you sit and crumble... I speak form very hard lessons learned about people and how truly despicable they can be while telling you they love you.... The choice is yours, but I say walk away and go silent...not a word.....
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Dude, I would spare yourself the drama and just end things with her, that or string her along until you find someone else. Honestly, she is telling you in almost every way that she doesn't want anything serious, you might as well benefit from that as well and keep your options open. PS> To me LDRs are largely a fools game unless you've spent a large amount of time with the person before hand. It's simply just asking for trouble.
madjac74 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I agree with space ritual not to break up at all and just go silent. First she will still have in the back of her mind that she has a boyfriend while she's hanging out with these guys. Why breakup with her and give her the satisfaction of being able to to what she wants. Of course if she has no morals then she won't care either way but why make it easy for her. And going silent is a good way to find out if she gives a crap about you at all. It's easy for her to blow you off now because she is busy and having fun. When she returns home she might wonder why you havent talked to her and try to contact you. Make her come to you. If she doesnt then move on. Its a silly game but one you need to play. I've played it with my gf in the past and it takes her about half a day at most to ask me whats wrong. I can tell you will have trouble going no contact but if you plan to breakup with her this is something you will have to do anyway. Find things to do to keep your mind off her. Friends are very important. Let them know the situation and tell them t keep you busy and possibly break your hand if you try to contact her Even if she does contact you. Ignore her a few times...cuz you're busy with friends! Be strong! Stay busy! Good luck!
Author Clemenza Posted September 2, 2010 Author Posted September 2, 2010 We broke up a few hours ago. She said that she did eff up this weekend by not communicating with me and that her priorities have seemed to shift. I told her that isn't fair to me, and things have been adding up, so I don't think we're going to work out. And I said we're done. I'm still sort of in shock I guess, even though I saw it coming. I know I may have a hard time because we actually did have some really great times and loved each other a lot at one point, or we wouldn't have been in this position in the first place. I think about the good things and get a little down. Logically, though, I know it's better this way. I do feel some sense of relief. Thank you to everyone who responded and helped me realize that I wasn't unreasonable to expect certain things from her.
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