Why now

[mistakesweremade]

So its been a while since I posted.

 

Weird things have been happening lately that have got me thinking.

 

It's a year a few months since we broke up, together five years. I've cut all contact in March, I just couldn't talk to her anymore.

 

Lately though, she has been emailing, about very weird things. Nothing about us, just about music. I'v been cordial, responding to her messages, if she asks a question. Then it came, she said shes been thinking about me lately and wanted to reconnect!? She invited me to her town for an event. But I really couldn't swing it.

 

I'm pretty confident that she is involved with someone else though. So any input on why she's reaching out now. Or how I should handle it? She asked once in June if we could be friends, to which I shot her down.

 

 

Oh yeah, funny thing is I met a girl I might be into last night. This timing is uncanny.

 

Thanks

[LostInTurn]

I think there are variations to this answer, but my opinion. People miss us and realize in their own time.

 

You're not sure she's seeing someone. I don't think you want to validate that either.

 

What would you gain from seeing her? You told her you don't want to be friends. I don't see anything positive from seeing her.

 

I had an ex reach out after three years and then again two years later. He realized he made a mistake. I saw him in 2009 and we broke up in 2005. He broke up with me one night because he got scared because of something I said, moved to California, ignored me, etc. Then when I see him four years later he says 'we never got to talk about things' ARE YOU SERIOUS?! We what?! I tried moron, but you ignored me! Now four years later you're still thinking about it?! Yea, that was a great talk.

 

Don't go.

[mistakesweremade]

When I mentioned this to one of my friends, who is her friend on FB. She let me know her status was In a relatiopnship. But you are right, that's my only proof. A much to most peoples dismay, facebook is not the really proof of anything.

 

As for going, I already let her know, I couldn't do it.

 

Right now, I'm just going to be polite. If i feel myself getting dragged down I'll just stop. The only way she can contact me is through email.

 

It's just that, this was the girl. The one, that no matter what I do, will always have a piece of my heart. I won't let her know that, but it exists. Wrong or right it's there.

 

Anyway thanks for responding. It has been weighing heavy on my mind lately.

[LostInTurn]

Would it be more appropriate to say that instead of her having a piece of your heart, you have a place for her memories? She doesn't 'have' a piece of you. She may be someone you loved deeply, and will always remember. I understand. For now she is the reason you are here, posting. For now though, for now. It won't always be this way.

 

As for your friend. I'm not a huge fan of why someone would tell you anything about your ex. That's not necessary. Facebook should be shut down.

[mistakesweremade]

It's actually a really good friend. She only told me because I brought up she contacted me. I think she just wanted to keep me informed.

[skydiveaddict]

Never ever accept second place my friend. If she doesn't want you than so be it. But never come crawling back to her as a "friend"

[mistakesweremade]

Never ever accept second place my friend. If she doesn't want you than so be it. But never come crawling back to her as a "friend"

 

I've been thinking about a that train of thought lately. The absolute no way, never be their friend.

 

It just seems like I would be lying to myself that I never loved her. Love is supposed to be unconditional, right? So if I did love her unconditionally, how could I stop that? Don't get me wrong, I'm open to dating other people and have. And the love I am speaking of is not nessecarily (sp?) the romantic kind.

[PegNosePete]

Love is supposed to be unconditional, right?

There is no such thing as unconditional love between two non-related people. One person can always do something that will destroy the other person's love. You're saying that if I love someone unconditionally then I would be perfectly happy if she was cheating right under my nose, in my bed, while I was there? I would still love her if she did drugs, stole and became a prostitute? What if she murdered someone in cold blood, I'm still supposed to love her unconditionally?

 

Nope sorry, unconditional love is a fallacy. There has to be boundaries.

[edgeofdarkness]

There is no such thing as unconditional love between two non-related people.

Yes, there is.

 

One person can always do something that will destroy the other person's love.

If a person allows their love for that person to be destroyed by outside influences, then it's not unconditional love. Unconditional love is indestructible.

 

You're saying that if I love someone unconditionally then I would be perfectly happy if she was cheating right under my nose, in my bed, while I was there?

Unconditional Love is not dependant on what you like or don't like. Unconditional love is based on accepting a person as things are, however they are.

I would still love her if she did drugs, stole and became a prostitute?

If you were talking about your own daughter, would you stop loving her? The Love you're talking about is conditional. it's conditional on the other person doing something to make you happy. So that's not unconditional, is it?

(Remember that every drug addict, thief or prostitute is, in fact, somebody's child....)

 

What if she murdered someone in cold blood, I'm still supposed to love her unconditionally?

I have a feeling you misunderstand the term completely.

 

Nope sorry, unconditional love is a fallacy. There has to be boundaries.

 

And now, I'm convinced of it. Because by the very fact that Love is unconditional - it has no boundaries. Only Love that is conditional has boundaries, and that's not an all encompassing love.

[PegNosePete]

If you were talking about your own daughter, would you stop loving her?

Ah, I refer back to the last part of my first sentence... I am talking about two non-related people. Family is different. And absolutely if I had a daughter I would love her unconditionally no matter what she did.

 

But for non-family...

 

You can love someone unconditionally, but that person can change or do things, and your "unconditional" love will be no more. Therefore it wasn't unconditional in the first place. Unconditional means "no matter what you do"... and there are always things a partner can do that will destroy your love.

Edited August 24, 2010 by PegNosePete

[Eeyore79]

I wanted to be friends with my ex, but it was clearly painful for him, and I didn't want to hurt him further. I wasn't in love with him, but I genuinely cared about him as a friend, and I missed his friendship. Eventually I contacted him in the hope that by then he was over our relationship enough for us to be friends, but unfortunately he wasn't. I still hope that some day he'll be able to be friends with me.

 

Me contacting him was nothing to do with wanting him back (I was actually dating someone else anyway). I simply missed his friendship and was hoping that he might be ready to be friends now. Maybe your ex genuinely misses your friendship too?

[edgeofdarkness]

Ah, I refer back to the last part of my first sentence... I am talking about two non-related people. Family is different. And absolutely if I had a daughter I would love her unconditionally no matter what she did.But for non-family...

That, in a way, is still conditional.

"I'll give you this love, but nobody else". It's conditional to being selective. Unconditional Love doesn't differentiate.

 

You can love someone unconditionally, but that person can change or do things, and your "unconditional" love will be no more.

Unconditional love cannot be destroyed, unless you yourself permit it to be. Unconditional Love comes form you, no matter what. Nothing can destroy it. if you permit somebody's actions to destroy that love, that's your flaw, not theirs.

 

Therefore it wasn't unconditional in the first place. Unconditional means "no matter what you do"... and there are always things a partner can do that will destroy your love.

No. There is nothing my partner could do to destroy the unconditional Love I have for him.

But get this:

the unconditional Love I have for him, is absolutely, completely identical to the unconditional love I have for anyone else. It's indistinguishable.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you can't be angry, pi$$ed off or hurt and upset by the actions of another person.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you can't tell them what's on your mind and why.

But nothing can affect that unconditional Love - unless you yourself withdraw it.

if something happens to destroy that love, you've destroyed it by being judgemental. Then it reverts to being conditional (was it ever anything else?)

 

If you tell me that you are incapable of loving someone unconditionally - whether related or not - then the quality of your love is insufficiently selfless.

 

Unconditional love means not giving in to selfishness. It has no agenda, no condition, no proviso, no ultimatum. Agendas conditions, provisos and ultimatums are laid down by people who still consider their own needs to be more important than the other person's. Certainly they are equal, but more important? no, not so.

 

But the majority of people cannot distinguish between giving unconditional Love, and being a doormat.

[mistakesweremade]

Pete - I think I am going to have to respectively disagree with you on the unconditional love thing. It just seems like there is a flaw in your logic. But we are allowed to feel and say as we like.

 

 

Edge - Yes, the unconditional love you speak of is what I'm now wondering exists. It seems as the pain of the breakup is starting to subside. There is something inside me that still wants the best for her. Whether it be with or without me.

 

Eeyore - Are you sure you didn't just want to test the waters? You said in a previous post, that the contact was mostly one-sided. I'm just wondering if that frustrated you to the point where you just wrote him off.

 

Also note that I posted this in "coping" not "second chances". Actually if there was a forum called "moving on", I probably would of posted it there.

[PegNosePete]

the unconditional Love I have for him, is absolutely, completely identical to the unconditional love I have for anyone else. It's indistinguishable.

OK, I think I get what you're saying now. The unconditional love you have for everyone as a human being is different from the romantic love you have for your partner, and the love you have for your family?

 

That makes sense to me then.

 

He could do things which would destroy your romantic love, but not your love of him as a person? Am I getting close?

 

Sorry to T/J MWM, it's just a really interesting discussion!

[edgeofdarkness]

OK, I think I get what you're saying now. The unconditional love you have for everyone as a human being is different from the romantic love you have for your partner, and the love you have for your family?

 

 

That makes sense to me then.

 

He could do things which would destroy your romantic love, but not your love of him as a person? Am I getting close?

Yeah, with thanx to my cousin who typed all that for me becos my typing sux.

she says it so much better than i can, basically unconditional love is developed over time, you have to realise it takes time to be able to love this way, im not perfect, hell i know that, but i know everybody deserves loving and acceptance and they have a right to the support and affection. people make mistakes, they screw up and sometimes dont know the way to go, but that doesnt mean they dont need loving. i remember a quotation,

love me when i deserve it the least, for that is when i need it the most, says it all.

 

Romantic love begins by burning with a passion, peaks, settles and then levels out, and if your lucky, you live a life with that person, and everyone i know in a long relationship says that its a love that changes. the intensity, the way you show it, the way you demonstrate it. sometimes its so big it overwhelms you sometimes you wonder what you ever saw in them, but its a love you share uniquely with that person and no one else. if u then fall in love with someone else, that love will be different too, im amazed that people wonder why they feel differently about this guy or that gurl than they did with their last love, well of course its different its a completely differnt person.

unconditional love is diffeeent, it releases the other person form all responsibility of reciprocating it, but it can be tougher, becos unconditional love means letting go sometimes and letting a person find their own way, make their own mistakes and lead their own life. Sometimes unconditional love means loving someone with all your heart and mind even if you have to keep them at arms length.

 

Sorry to T/J MWM, it's just a really interesting discussion!

Yeah sorry, and im sorry i dont write or express stuff as well as my cuz, but i hope its clear...

[edgeofdarkness]

Pete - I think I am going to have to respectively disagree with you on the unconditional love thing. It just seems like there is a flaw in your logic. But we are allowed to feel and say as we like.

i think he gets where i am coming from tho my last post might be confusing.

 

 

Edge - Yes, the unconditional love you speak of is what I'm now wondering exists. It seems as the pain of the breakup is starting to subside. There is something inside me that still wants the best for her. Whether it be with or without me.

sounds pretty much like it to me, and in a way it feels good becos we know actually that to be able to feel that way makes us feel better about ourselves too, we become a better person.

 

Also note that I posted this in "coping" not "second chances". Actually if there was a forum called "moving on", I probably would of posted it there.

maybe we should ask the mod if that would be a possibility, whaddya think.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah sorry, and im sorry i dont write or express stuff as well as my cuz, but i hope its clear...

Yes, no worries. I think a lot of us have a cousin, who writes differently than us

[edgeofdarkness]

i live with her, long story, do u have a problem with that, if so PM me. back.

[PegNosePete]

Nope no problem... but I couldn't PM even if I wanted, I am a n00b

[You Go Girl]

Going out on a limb here but--

all love is unconditional by definition.

 

If you stop loving someone, you never really did.

 

Just drop the word "unconditional" and discuss "love".

 

That doesn't mean that you can't decide you can no longer live with a person, or that you must stay with them, etc.

 

All those I have loved in my life--I still do.

[edgeofdarkness]

No, not true, could you love hitler, could you love someone who raped you, could you love someone who murdered your little girl, could you love someone who beat and abused you as a child, if you say "yes" to all of those you are capable of UNconditional love, if you call a halt somewhere along the line, its not unconditional.

Its easy to love those who have loved us, or shown loveable qualities, the real crunch comes when u find that loving the unlovable is where the rubber hits the road....