therev Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Firstly, before I bore you all with my relationship troubles, I just thought I'd give a brief introduction. I've used this site as a reference point in previous relationships and have always been impressed with the advice and support given on here. For some reason advice on even the most personal of issues is easier to give and receive when it is coming from a total stranger who is looking only at the facts, and is not involved directly with the situation. So with that said, maybe I can find the advice I'm looking for now. Hello to you all, and thanks for taking the time to read this - and an even bigger thanks if you decide to contribute. -- The Facts I'm in an LDR with a young lady who lives 300 miles away. I'm 21, and she's 18. We met on a night out and have been together for 7 months. In that period, we've stayed at one another's 8 times (7 at hers, once at mine. Read into that what you will). The Problem Essentially, there isn't actually a major problem with us. But that in itself is what has bought me here. After the initial "romantic" phase of the relationship where we felt like nothing could stop us, I am now reaching the point where I've differentiated between my feelings for her and the compatibility factor of the actual relationship itself (if that makes sense). Basically, she ticks all my boxes, and is everything I could possibly want in a girlfriend, but I ask myself what is the point of that if I never actually see her? I understand a lot of people are able to cope, but personally, and this is something I'm learning after 7 months, I can't sustain a relationship unless there is regular physical contact (and I don't just mean our sexual and intimate relationship - just seeing her in the flesh each day). This is probably the most frequently asked question on this sub-section of the forum, but is it all worth it? Before you answer that, there's more. In September we are both going to university, and whilst the time difference between us will cut from 7 hours to 1 hour, the fact remains that we will only see each other at weekends (and not necessarily every weekend). She argued that she will make time for me regardless because she loves me, and while I don't doubt that we would both make the effort (at first anyway), I asked her if she could put up with seeing me on odd weekends for potentially 10+ years (as I plan to go into the armed forces straight from uni, something she has always known). She replied that she didn't know what the future held, but she'd be willing to give it a try nonetheless. I should mention that there is one other factor in this. I'm not actually sure myself how much of a bearing this has had on my feelings - it just seems to add to the confusion. Basically, a friend of mine, who I get on very well with and who I must admit share a mutual physical attraction with, has recently declared she has feelings for me, and rightly or wrongly my head is beginning to turn. I know what you'll say - if I start something with this girl I'll be in the same situation of a LDR when I move away, but if I'm honest, if I wasn't moving away, I would have left my girlfriend for this girl by now. The fact I'm moving away has been the only thing that has stopped me. What does that say about my committment? So before I put you all to sleep, these are my questions to the experts and gurus on here: 1) She is essentially perfect. So why don't I want to fight for this as much as she does? 2) Is it normal to feel this way in a LDR, or do I just have commitment issues? I'm constantly being told that I'm 21 and don't need to be tied down, and to be honest, I have never been one to stay in previous relationships longer than 6 or 7 months. 3) Is this other girl (my friend) playing a part in this or am I just looking for excuses? 4) Do I end it now (with the possible consequence that I live to regret this decision), or do I hang tight and at least give it a try, even though I don't see how it could be sustainable in the future? I understand, there is no definitive answer to this question as no-one can predict the future, but thoughts and advice would be welcome nonetheless. I apologise for dragging this out so long but I want to give a good idea of how I'm feeling. She kindly agreed to give me a few days to myself to think about things, and any advice on here would greatly help. Thanks for reading. Best wishes, S.
aerogurl87 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I don't consider myself to be a LDR "expert" or "guru" but I'll try to answer your questions. 1) She is essentially perfect. So why don't I want to fight for this as much as she does? First off, no one on this planet is perfect. Even the "essentially perfect" person has flaws and in the beginning those flaws may seem minimal, but as time and life wears on they become more glaringly obvious once the "love shades" start to lose their vision and reality sweeps in to clear things up a bit. So why don't you want to fight for the relationship you ask? Possibly because you now see her flaws and subconsciously (or consciously) know you can't deal with them anymore, possibly because you think you could do better, or maybe even because you don't want to be in a serious relationship at such a young age. I don't know, only you know that answer. 2) Is it normal to feel this way in a LDR, or do I just have commitment issues? I'm constantly being told that I'm 21 and don't need to be tied down, and to be honest, I have never been one to stay in previous relationships longer than 6 or 7 months. Perhaps you do have commitment issues, which isn't abnormal for someone your age. Most people around our age (I'm 20 now) don't want to "settle down" or be in long term relationships. They want to find themselves and find out what life has to offer before they find one person to be with for a long time. Nothing wrong with that, if that's what you want. And if that is what you want deep down, end things with your girlfriend. It'll hurt her but staying in a relationship but being unhappy because you feel trapped or tied down won't be much better for either of you. 3) Is this other girl (my friend) playing a part in this or am I just looking for excuses? She's a good distraction. She's new, exciting, and you yourself said your previous relationships usually end around 6 to 7 months. The relationship expiration date has hit and now you're looking for something new and exciting, and although she's your friend and has been for awhile I'm guessing, romantically she's still new and exciting. So now you have to figure out do you want her because you actually think you'd be more compatible with her or because dating her would mean being with someone new for the sake of newness? 4) Do I end it now (with the possible consequence that I live to regret this decision), or do I hang tight and at least give it a try, even though I don't see how it could be sustainable in the future? I understand, there is no definitive answer to this question as no-one can predict the future, but thoughts and advice would be welcome nonetheless. This is up to you. I'll interject some of my own experience to answer your question. Like you most of my relationships either end or go downhill once they hit or get close to the 6 month mark. When my boyfriend and I hit our 6 month anniversary last month I started to freak out a little. Never had I been with a guy that long, and for it to be at a distance was a little nervewracking also. I started picking little fights here and there, and became somewhat distant. Why? Because I was scared of the unknown, the fact that what we had did have the potential to be something long term which up until now was a foreign concept to me. But I stuck it out and one month later I'm over my nervousness about our relationship, the uncertainty of it all, and we're doing great. So figure out if it's worth ending it because of reasons other than possibly a fear of commitment. Is the relationship good overall? Does she make you happy? And lastly do you think she's worth it in the grand scheme of things? I mean do you honestly think that dumping her is a decision that you'll be happy with later on down the road and not look back, shake your head, and regret dumping the girl you loved and wanted more than anything else because of a little commitment phobia? Also talk to her about how your feeling. Tell her plainly that you're scared, let her inside your head a little bit because strangely enough this may help make things clearer for you and bring you closer possibly in the process. And lastly, good luck.
Author therev Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Thank you both for taking the time to reply and share your own experiences. It's appreciated. The logic is pretty evident, as sadintexas said: "LDR should be a means to an end, not a way of life." Doesn't change the fact that this still isn't an easy decision however. My head says end it, but my heart says I owe it to her to at least give it a go and see if we can make it work.
Romance Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I'm about 300 miles from my boyfriend too, so I understand since we're at a similar distance thing. However..you're gonna be in college only an hour from each other! you could stay at each others dorms over night, an hour drive isn't bad at all. That's so awesome, I would be so excited if I was moving within an hour of my boyfriend. I wonder if its worth it all the time, especially days like today when i'm sad. There's no way to know. I know I love him a lot, and I think if he wasn't in my life at all i'd be a lot worse off. I do think sometimes its not a real relationship when sometimes im spending a saturday night at home alone(all of my friends have boyfriends, of course) and he's out with his friends. It kind of makes me feel resentful, at times.
BettyBoop Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 but if I'm honest, if I wasn't moving away, I would have left my girlfriend for this girl by now. That quote alone stood out to me. Honestly? I think you're just looking for an excuse. You said a lot about what she's said she is willing to do to make the relationship work - but you're just making up excuses to why it never will. In addition, you'd leave her for your friend if it wasn't for the fact that you're moving. To me, that says a lot. I can relate to you, because I too sometimes just make excuses to why something will never work instead of just enjoying the moment. I realise that this is the person I want to be with right now, even if I can only see him about once a month for the next two years. I don't know if I'll still feel this way in 6 months or a year. But right now, he's the only one I want. I don't care if I only get to see him once a month, that there are 6 hours between us. I only want him. I don't even look at other men, and when I do - all I think of is how badly I wish that guy was my boyfriend standing there instead. THAT is how it is supposed to feel like when you're really in love. Of course you cannot promise one another you will stay committed forever and that it will work - but you don't know that right now. You CANNOT PREDICT THE FUTURE. Life and the present is what you make of it. If you love your girlfriend, make the most of the present while it's still yours. Or end it.
lala82 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 I think that both of you are very young to made a serious commitment about the future. No ones knows the future. You need to live new things and you are in an important age to focus on your careers. I agree BettyBoop. The fact is that your not secure about the relationship and that's why you are making excuses. When you love someone, you will focus only in positive things and how to improve your relationship. But, when you want to finish a relationship any excuse is perfect. You recognize that she is a nice girl. The minimun thing that you can do with her is to be honest about your feelings. I am sure that you can agree something that will be the best for both of you.
Author therev Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Thanks again for replying - this is why I posted this. Because you lot are willing to be bluntly honest, even if sometimes I'm not. So cheers. It's a strange feeling - I don't want to do anything rash while I'm still unsure about my feelings, so I've agreed to at least give it a try in university, with a strong degree of honesty and respect for her feelings on my part, and, as sadintexas says, at some point, for better or worse, my heart and my head will align. And if it is for worse, then at least I gave it a try and I can be sure I'm doing the right thing. Is that fair of me without messing her around?
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