hunnybea Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I'm not sure what to say to that...I know this past 2 months I've known about my husband's affair I've been tempted to cheat on him as revenge. I haven't and I'm not gonna put myself in a position to be tempted either because I'm vulnerable and I recognize that about me. So I don't know what to say...I don't know if that's something everyone goes through or not... Don't let him hold this over your head though...he's still doing it, you aren't. He's trying to guilt you into letting him do what he wants...which is cheat...
2sure Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 A serial cheater is a special kind of person. They feel that showing some remorse and offering an apology is all that is required. They themselves do not change. When he is no longer being inconvenienced ...he is no longer remorseful. When he feels bored with being "good' he makes you the violator by claiming respect and privacy. He will do this entire cycle again and again until ...he does it to someone other than you. He just doesnt get it. Is not capable of getting it. If you look up the term Narcissist Behavior...you will understand that more. Yours, like mine, sounds to me like he actually enjoys the defiant behavior more than the sex of infidelity. In other words...what really floats his boat is doing it even though he shouldn't. To the curb. This is not a dress rehearsal and I am not your supervisor.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I don't know for sure that he is cheating. I just know he is a serial cheater and I am not, I don't think I'm at the same level as him as he thinks. I aslo was'nt trying to make excuses for my actions, because there is none, I just wanted to make it known that I recognize my faults in our problems..my arguement to his is ..gee I'm at your level guess I have about 8 more tries then!
piscis Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 polly please take care of yourself and listen to owl; of course all comments are great and supportive but IMO Owl is always very punctual on his advice. I do not know if you conftonted him yesterday or not but what are you going to do from there because IMO if he is not cheating and he openly gives you the phone and the passwords and everything please do not apologize to him because he was so good to allow you look at that information. He should be 100% interested in not giviong you any motive to feel ok, if he is not doing that he is wortheless as a man to have a R with. Even if he has nothing to hide are you going to be able lo live like this till death do you apart thinking who is he posting, who is he writing is he really where he tell you he is. Please get help with a counsellor and keep posting, do not find help for him find help to be fine you with or without him. Keep posting!!!
jj33 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Polly your affair is irrelevant. You are entitled to want what you want in a marriage and to decide that if your needs arent being met you want out. He doesnt have to think its "fair". Even if neither of you had ever cheated, if you were unhappy and said I need x or Im out, you have a right to take that position (even if it was something ridiculous and then he could say no). Really sorry you are going through this
Silly_Girl Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 A serial cheater is a special kind of person. They feel that showing some remorse and offering an apology is all that is required. They themselves do not change. When he is no longer being inconvenienced ...he is no longer remorseful. When he feels bored with being "good' he makes you the violator by claiming respect and privacy. He will do this entire cycle again and again until ...he does it to someone other than you. He just doesnt get it. Is not capable of getting it. If you look up the term Narcissist Behavior...you will understand that more. Yours, like mine, sounds to me like he actually enjoys the defiant behavior more than the sex of infidelity. In other words...what really floats his boat is doing it even though he shouldn't. To the curb. This is not a dress rehearsal and I am not your supervisor. Oh Christ. I very much recognise these aspects. I wish wish wish I'd found LS sooner. I'm sure it would have helped me to see the wood for the trees and I would be in a totally different place now, instead of wasting most of my 20's on that person you describe above. Polly, please please please listen to the great advice you're getting. You know in your heart and gut there's much truth being spoken here. Use it for your own good
Lizzie60 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Oh Gawd... he will use your affair each and every single time you will confront him with HIS cheating.. even if you've cheated only ONCE and he cheats right and left.. he will rub it in your face every time.. he will use this to manipulate you.. don't waste any more time with this loser.. he will NEVER change.. trust me on that one.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 So what happened with the confrontation, Polly? Well, I confronted him , He said theres nothing going on, he was not mad tho for once! he's somehow making this about his depression and feeling bad about what he did. He always does this to distract me I think, so I feel bad. He however would not give up his fb password, but he did let me see his phone, wich is worthless, theres so many different things on there I don't get..but whatever, somehow he talks me into believeing him and what I'm saying does'nt make sense..he says things like "I've been home everyday".."when I'm playing at shows and your not there I text all the time" I want our family to work, " I'm sorry for what I did, but I was in a bad place" ect....He is so oblivious to the fact he has a problem. Now he's just being extra nice..wants to take me out this weekend and plan a "night" together, witch for us is crazy rollplaying sex, witch we always did, ( we never had a problem in that department) believe it or not..u would think we did! I just dont feel like being intamate .
Lizzie60 Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Poor Polly.. I feel sorry for you.. he's playing you because he knows what to say and how to 'take' you... Good luck in the future.. because trust me.. you should put an end right now to this waste of time.. and energy from your part.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Poor Polly.. I feel sorry for you.. he's playing you because he knows what to say and how to 'take' you... Good luck in the future.. because trust me.. you should put an end right now to this waste of time.. and energy from your part. Please don't feel sorry for me, I make my own choices, the last thing I want is pitty from anyone, just advice. I'm trying to make the right choice, i'm trying to remember this man is not the same man I fell in love with 20 something years a go, and it's hard I wish I could just hate him. Maybe I'm getting there.
kis Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I don't know what i would say now. I know what I would of said before all this happend to me. the way he tries to confince me that he's changed, is that He told me about all of it, and that I would never have known. He told me about all the affairs at the same time, so to him it's like he messed up once, told me and is never doing it again. ...But! if he told me about the first one, wanted to make it work, and then it happed again, he has'nt changed. this is his thinking. He says because he was so "honest" in telling me everything, and risking everything, that I should trust him.....crazy fool! I mean can somebody be that crazy to risk hurting someone they apparently love? is thsi possible?? I know I never would! Do you ever wish you still didnt know. My husband has had several affiars. I wish I didnt know sometimes.
Owl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Polly...do a google search on the term "gaslighting". Not much advice I can give you. If he knew that you wouldn't know what to look for on his phone, then he was 'safe' giving it to you. I don't get the fb password thing...there's nothing my wife can't access if she wants to. If he's refusing...it's because he's hiding something. But you're also choosing to accept that. Until you choose to change that situation, there's not going to be much more advice I can give you. Good luck...I really do hope it all works out to the best for you.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Just thought I'd update. This week has been a week of feeling so uncertain on what to do with my marriage, I told my husband why i'm feeling like I do. He said "maybe we should divorce, you don't trust me and there is nothing else I can do to re assure you, and i"m sick of everthing being brought up again to make me feel like crap, I'mnot the same person, I'm not liooking for a way out like I was before," Then He said he loved me and tried to hug me, he dropped to his knees and held me so tight I could'nt move." We went out with some old friends that night and had a great time, and a great rest of the weekend. This mourning he was on the computer, his phone rang and he left it down stairs so he ran down to get it. He was on Face Book, I of course went over to snoop...I found nothing, no bad letters no nothing. am I convinced ? no...I Don't know, either he is telling the truth and is really changeing..or trying to, or he is just so good at what he does, I'm just waiting it out for a little while, we go to Disney World in two weeks with the family, when we get back my head should be clear and I"ll be away from everything, so maybe I can make a more clear descision about my future.
Recommended Posts