pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Ok I've posted a few times on here, and have read a lot of posts, some people are still with their unfaithful spouses...as am I, I keep hearing serial cheaters are different. This is my H. He had two serious affairs, and about 8 flings..whatever that really means. I found out all of this about 2 years a go. we've been trying to make it work, but I don't know if he really is going to stay faithful for long. I know the reasoning..behind all of it. Truth is I can't handle it again if this happens. we do therapy once a month, otherwise I don't see any real changes in "atmosphere" for him..he's still in his band, still at the same job ect....He's been in the bathroom with his phone a few times..says he's e-mailing and fbing..he uses his phone for work thats what he says. Now there is a lock on his phone so I can't even snoop if I wanted too...he is'nt wearing his wedding ring (wich we got when we renewed our vow last year) because he says he has a rash..wich he does. Idk am i being paranoid? Anybody else have a serial cheater who recoverd? really would like to know. I feel like if I bring theses issues up to him, he gets that look like..oh no not this again! I know he's sorry for what he did,and I'm almost feeling bad for raking him over the coals every so often! If he was this good at lieing before how do I know he would'nt again..after all I never found out anything before either..he told me...he's good real good!
Distant78 Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Ok I've posted a few times on here, and have read a lot of posts, some people are still with their unfaithful spouses...as am I, I keep hearing serial cheaters are different. This is my H. He had two serious affairs, and about 8 flings..whatever that really means. I found out all of this about 2 years a go. we've been trying to make it work, but I don't know if he really is going to stay faithful for long. I know the reasoning..behind all of it. Truth is I can't handle it again if this happens. we do therapy once a month, otherwise I don't see any real changes in "atmosphere" for him..he's still in his band, still at the same job ect....He's been in the bathroom with his phone a few times..says he's e-mailing and fbing..he uses his phone for work thats what he says. Now there is a lock on his phone so I can't even snoop if I wanted too...he is'nt wearing his wedding ring (wich we got when we renewed our vow last year) because he says he has a rash..wich he does. Idk am i being paranoid? Anybody else have a serial cheater who recoverd? really would like to know. I feel like if I bring theses issues up to him, he gets that look like..oh no not this again! I know he's sorry for what he did,and I'm almost feeling bad for raking him over the coals every so often! If he was this good at lieing before how do I know he would'nt again..after all I never found out anything before either..he told me...he's good real good! He may be still cheating since he has a lock on his phone. I'd say pull out those divorce papers.
Owl Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I've never believed that "Once a cheater, always a cheater" concept. But I AM an advocate of "Twice a cheater, always a cheater". If he's done it twice, knowing what it does to you...it indicates a major flaw in him. I don't believe that this is typically "fixable" for most people, nor do I believe that full recovery from a marriage with multiple affairs is at all likely (there may be exceptions...but I've never met one). With all the information that you've provided...what do YOU expect to happen from here? What would you say if you read the same information as though it were from another poster?
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I don't know what i would say now. I know what I would of said before all this happend to me. the way he tries to confince me that he's changed, is that He told me about all of it, and that I would never have known. He told me about all the affairs at the same time, so to him it's like he messed up once, told me and is never doing it again. ...But! if he told me about the first one, wanted to make it work, and then it happed again, he has'nt changed. this is his thinking. He says because he was so "honest" in telling me everything, and risking everything, that I should trust him.....crazy fool! I mean can somebody be that crazy to risk hurting someone they apparently love? is thsi possible?? I know I never would!
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 oh...and I wish so deeply I could talk to the tow women he cared about. not sure why, I think part of it is when this all came out, I actually called them both and told them off...like it was all their fault, I know thats not true now, I feel like I need closure from that, but I don't want to contact them for fear of looking "pysco" witch I probably would! Maybe someday if we do divorce iwill try to do that.
Allthehurt Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Pollyanna, Just walk up to him and ask to see his phone. Have him unlock it Here are my thoughts.....do you really need proof for what you already know? I'm sorry you are going through this :-(
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I guess I do need proof, because I don't "really" know, and what if Im wrong?
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 :(besides...he could of just deleted everything
Allthehurt Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 If you must have the proof then go online or to your carrier and get the "detailed usage" report for the cell phone. You already know the truth. Another thing is put a voice activated recorder in his car. I wish you the best
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 the car thing might work, but his personal phone we let my daughter use now, he only has his Nextel for work now, and I don't have that bill to look at.
Owl Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 If he keeps it locked, he's probably not deleting anything. He probably doesn't think you'll get access to it. So...do NOT give him ANY warning at all. Act normal. Wait til the two of you are alone...and point blank tell him you want him to unlock his phone and hand it to you in front of you...RIGHT NOW. Do NOT let him take it anywhere before he hands it over to you unlocked. He's got no reason to delete anything if he doesn't expect you'll be able to access it. If he refuses...you have your answer. If he stalls or attempts to access it without letting you see it first...you have your answer. If he complies and hands it over...odds are high that you'll have an answer one way or another. JUST DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY KIND OF WARNING AT ALL BEFORE YOU DO THIS, AND DO NOT LET HIM ACCESS THE PHONE WITHOUT YOU SEEING WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. Tell him you NEED him to do this right now, in front of you, no hiding of anything...in order for you to begin rebuilding your trust in him given his cheating past.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 If he keeps it locked, he's probably not deleting anything. He probably doesn't think you'll get access to it. So...do NOT give him ANY warning at all. Act normal. Wait til the two of you are alone...and point blank tell him you want him to unlock his phone and hand it to you in front of you...RIGHT NOW. Do NOT let him take it anywhere before he hands it over to you unlocked. He's got no reason to delete anything if he doesn't expect you'll be able to access it. If he refuses...you have your answer. If he stalls or attempts to access it without letting you see it first...you have your answer. If he complies and hands it over...odds are high that you'll have an answer one way or another. JUST DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY KIND OF WARNING AT ALL BEFORE YOU DO THIS, AND DO NOT LET HIM ACCESS THE PHONE WITHOUT YOU SEEING WHAT HE'S DOING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. Tell him you NEED him to do this right now, in front of you, no hiding of anything...in order for you to begin rebuilding your trust in him given his cheating past. Tx for the response, I am going to try that tonight, i think I'll also ask him to show me his FB messages, the fact I am doing this should tell me something. He will say I'm being crazy and not giviing him any privacey, Is it me or does he not deserve that much privacy anymore. lol
hunnybea Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Since he has had multiple affairs, he shouldn't have ANY privacy...
cavedweller Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 pollyanna, I was married to a woman who was a serial cheater. I am glad to be divorced and to have all of the lies and drama behind me.. BTW, she can have anyone she wants, but, she can't have me.. Good luck...........
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Yes if he complains about privacy then tell him he didn't respect your privacy when he stuck his dick in some other woman.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Yes if he complains about privacy then tell him he didn't respect your privacy when he stuck his dick in some other woman. woman..you mean women.plural! wow that image is a beautiful one!
Spark1111 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Pollyanna, If you wouldn't talk to it, look at it, text it, without your spouse standing right next to you, then it is cheating. Because otherwise, you are trying to keep it secret from your spouse. And secrecy is not the same thing as privacy, certainly within a marriage. If my H felt insecure for any reason, and I loved him and was committed to this relationship, I would do everything in my power to make him feel secure: my passwords, my phone, my texts, anything! ANd it would not be an invasion of privacy for me. Why? Because people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. As for serial cheaters, that's a tough one. The need serious and intensive IC to discover why they do what they do. It's complicated psychologically. And they usually do not care to attend IC until they hit rock bottom, sometimes several times over, and are forced to. Dissolving a marriage is a form of rock bottom. Separating and telling the world about his exploits could be another. STD results could be a third form of rock bottom. But as long as you keep forgiving him without consequences, why should he change? Why work on his addictive behavior? He gets you to forgive him, and then gets back to work on his next conquest. He may really love you, but they are about empowerment. ANd those flings are extremely dangerous to your health.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Ok I've posted a few times on here, and have read a lot of posts, some people are still with their unfaithful spouses...as am I, I keep hearing serial cheaters are different. This is my H. He had two serious affairs, and about 8 flings..whatever that really means. I found out all of this about 2 years a go. we've been trying to make it work, but I don't know if he really is going to stay faithful for long. I know the reasoning..behind all of it. Truth is I can't handle it again if this happens. we do therapy once a month, otherwise I don't see any real changes in "atmosphere" for him..he's still in his band, still at the same job ect....He's been in the bathroom with his phone a few times..says he's e-mailing and fbing..he uses his phone for work thats what he says. Now there is a lock on his phone so I can't even snoop if I wanted too...he is'nt wearing his wedding ring (wich we got when we renewed our vow last year) because he says he has a rash..wich he does. Idk am i being paranoid? Anybody else have a serial cheater who recoverd? really would like to know. I feel like if I bring theses issues up to him, he gets that look like..oh no not this again! I know he's sorry for what he did,and I'm almost feeling bad for raking him over the coals every so often! If he was this good at lieing before how do I know he would'nt again..after all I never found out anything before either..he told me...he's good real good! Everything SCREAMS .. serial cheater.. he is still cheating.. trust me on that one.. why are you still with this guy? he will not stop... because why would he? nothing has changed for him.. you're still with him.. so he's got the best of both worlds.. you remind me of a WS who caught me with her husband.. she later told me that he started cheating on her only a few months after their wedding.. they were married 20 years when we got caught... it's been 5 years now.. (or so).. and he's still on 'dating sites'.. he called me a few times.. They never stop.. because they are 'allowed' to..
Spark1111 Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Everything SCREAMS .. serial cheater.. he is still cheating.. trust me on that one.. why are you still with this guy? he will not stop... because why would he? nothing has changed for him.. you're still with him.. so he's got the best of both worlds.. you remind me of a WS who caught me with her husband.. she later told me that he started cheating on her only a few months after their wedding.. they were married 20 years when we got caught... it's been 5 years now.. (or so).. and he's still on 'dating sites'.. he called me a few times.. They never stop.. because they are 'allowed' to.. Listen to Lizzie.... Tell him you do not trust him anymore. Tell him he has not proven to you he can be trusted. Tell him why. His phone is locked and he brings it into the bathroom with him and he does many, many behaviors that continue to erode your trust. He is not trying hard enough. Listen to Owl. Confront him face to face to see his phone now. Have him unlock it right in front of you. You will have your answers by the look on his face. Be ready to have a ba packed. Or pack his and throw him out. It is NOT what he says, it is what HE DOES, his actions, that tell the truth of the situation. Good luck to you.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Listen to Lizzie.... Tell him you do not trust him anymore. Tell him he has not proven to you he can be trusted. Tell him why. His phone is locked and he brings it into the bathroom with him and he does many, many behaviors that continue to erode your trust. He is not trying hard enough. Listen to Owl. Confront him face to face to see his phone now. Have him unlock it right in front of you. You will have your answers by the look on his face. Be ready to have a ba packed. Or pack his and throw him out. It is NOT what he says, it is what HE DOES, his actions, that tell the truth of the situation. Good luck to you. tx for all your responses...my eyes are tearing up reading them, I trust complete strangers more than my spouse at this point. The sad part is he thinks he has no problems, he just made mistakes, and he will bring all this to his next relationship..i'm so on the edge of jumping, to bad he's at work at the moment lol!
misternoname Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I was married to a serial cheater as well. The one thing you can count on is more of the same! My ex wife had 4 affairs that I know of...each time the same suspicious behavior occured (locked phone, changed password on computer, cell phone never left her side, etc, etc). Trust me...you are wasting precious time! One universally agreed result of an affair is the open door policy impossed on the cheater. Trust can NEVER be regained if they insist on privacy. Conversely, if they truly wanted to regain their spouse's trust they should WILLINGLY offer total access. If they are reformed and serious about changing their ways, what could they possibly have to hide? Get out with whatever dignity you still have intact...I personally waited way too long.
Owl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Everything SCREAMS .. serial cheater.. he is still cheating.. trust me on that one.. why are you still with this guy? he will not stop... because why would he? nothing has changed for him.. you're still with him.. so he's got the best of both worlds.. you remind me of a WS who caught me with her husband.. she later told me that he started cheating on her only a few months after their wedding.. they were married 20 years when we got caught... it's been 5 years now.. (or so).. and he's still on 'dating sites'.. he called me a few times.. They never stop.. because they are 'allowed' to.. Good post. It's all about "consequences". The pain of getting caught cheating has to outweigh the pleasure derived from cheating. Lizzie is right...what she describes is a situation where that never happened...and so he never had a reason to stop cheating.
Owl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 tx for all your responses...my eyes are tearing up reading them, I trust complete strangers more than my spouse at this point. The sad part is he thinks he has no problems, he just made mistakes, and he will bring all this to his next relationship..i'm so on the edge of jumping, to bad he's at work at the moment lol! So what's your plan from here, given the information and advice you've received here?
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 So what's your plan from here, given the information and advice you've received here? I'm going home tonight and telling him I want to see his phone, his facebook, and tell him how I really fell and what I really want, if nothing changes i'm out!
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I also just want to clarify something so I get an honest opinion. We were separted for 3 months , about 2 months after he came back he was still dwelling on her..she was showing up at his shows, and she was still on his FB..I was so hurt and felt so rejected, I had a short affair myself, this was so wrong, I know this is not me at all! I never would normally do this! but he comapares me to himself, that im just as bad, and i know i'm not! I'd never do it again...am I just as bad? maybe I need to get his trust too. Just wanted to make it clear I'm not trying to make myself the complete victom..tx!
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