inaspot Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Married 4 years, have a 4 year old daughter and two step children which are teenagers. I have become disgusted at the things I see going on around my house with the older kids and am not happy with things my daughter is picking up. We have talked about it and talked about it, and my wife just cannot stick to any punishment no matter how severe, or not severe. I'm not talking about just swearing, I'm talking drinking, smoking, etc. I feel like I have lost control because she has never carried through with any punishment regardless of what I say. Now I feel that I may have rushed into this relationship and whammo, now I have a four year old daughter. I am seriously thinking about leaving and trying to gain custody of my daughter. I have absolutely no record, a steady job, squeaky clean. My other half has some incidents on record, and so do some other people on that side of the family. What kind of damage could I do to my baby girl if I attempt this type of maneuver??
HaWhoKnew Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Have you approached your wife about this? I would think that she would enforce punishment if she knew it would destroy the marriage. They say communication in a relation is key for a reason. Your wife won't change unless you speak to her about it. You can't expect her to change without knowing the problem. I bet it is extremely frustrating when your teenagers are acting like this and your wife isn't so mad that she'd lock them on their room for days (I would). And you don't think you can enforce it because their not your biological kids?
Author inaspot Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 We have talked about it, but nothing changes. Frankly it is not just her, but most of her family. All anyone knows how to do is yell at each other, but never enforce any punishment - ever. I am the complete opposite. This behavior is rubbing off on my daughter. Just don't think I can live with it. I am sure I could get custody of her. But is it the right thing to do? I know I could completely take care of her and give her everything she needs, and a calm loving home etc. and of course there would still be time she would have to spend with her mother. But I would want primary care of her. Which would have the possibility of doing more harm to her, staying among all the chaos and drama and screaming and yelling - but having her family together? Or getting her away so she is not exposed to the goings on in the house currently? I know I would be happier if I were away from it, but is it the right move for my little girl?
HaWhoKnew Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 If we're talkin legalities..and the court sees her teenage daughters doing wrong things, they will definitly give you custody. But is this worth ending your marriage? Have you, and I hate to use the term threatened, but have you threatened her and said if she doesn't enforce punishment, you will leave her. You can say that you don't want your daughter to end up like hers. If they do something wrong, punishment is needed. Yelling and screaming doesn't do a damn thing. I feel like if she knew her marriage was in jeopardy, she would do something. And there is no way for you to punish the teenagers?
Author inaspot Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I have not given an ultimatum. I have punished them in the past, but it always gets "overridden". I work about 45 minutes from our house, and they always talk her into giving in, no matter what it is, before I am around to enforce it. She is a pushover. I feel like I have given up and become numb, and want some time to be alone with my daughter with out all of the excitement going on, daily. I cannot even explain it on here. This is not your normal teenage drama, etc. The more I talk about this, I do think it is worth ending my marriage over I suppose. Just don't want to hurt my daughter too much in the process, but I feel it would be beneficial to her in the long run...
HopelessinDTW Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I have not given an ultimatum. I have punished them in the past, but it always gets "overridden". I work about 45 minutes from our house, and they always talk her into giving in, no matter what it is, before I am around to enforce it. She is a pushover. I feel like I have given up and become numb, and want some time to be alone with my daughter with out all of the excitement going on, daily. I cannot even explain it on here. This is not your normal teenage drama, etc. The more I talk about this, I do think it is worth ending my marriage over I suppose. Just don't want to hurt my daughter too much in the process, but I feel it would be beneficial to her in the long run... You know there used to be a TV show where there was a boot camp for teenagers who were out of control. Not sure if there is something like this in your area, but this may be an option. At the same time, you and your wife need to get on the SAME page. I don't know how you do this except to give your wife ultimatums, and show her what the consequences of the kids being out of control will be. I don't think all this a reason for you to get out of the marriage. This in fact could be even worse for your kids. Is there a therapist you can talk to and get some advice as how to deal with your situation?
You Go Girl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 A house divided against itself cannot stand--Abraham Lincoln. Getting on the same page is paramount. If your W won't see the wisdom in that, then you'll be talking to a brick wall, and nothing will ever change. I'm not sure threats and ultimatums are the right step...yet. I think a long discussion about boundaries, equal parenting, supporting each other's rules and punishments, is the right step. If you have several of these discussions every single week, and still there is zero progress in your W and she's looking like a blank page, her parental and marital IQ is questionable. First though, try to hammer the discussions home, many many times. If you need to sit down every single day after dinner and have a discussion with her, then do it! If you decide to leave at some point, you will have to ask yourself why did you marry someone without the same boundaries and standards as yourself? This, so you don't make that mistake again.
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