am i doing the right thing?

[xomissraddox]

My husband and i got married at the very young ages of 18 and 21 in June 2010. We were very happy, and very much in love for the whole time before the marriage. He has a child with a very recent relationship but assured me he was over her and wanted me. The child is about 9 months old. They are in court for custody, and have a order of protection. He moved into my house with me, my family, and my parents, and we are expecting a son in November. Everything was picture perfect until he got a job in the mall by where she lives. He started acting more distant, and i had no idea why. He told me he was very depressed because of court, and i believed him (he was and still is getting his ass kicked).

Our sex life began to suffer, and i knew there was more to what he was telling me.

 

One night him and his bff were bsing under the hood of his car and he had given me his cell to hold on to while they did theyre thing. It got really late and i was bored and tiard of sitting there so i went inside(at this point i totally forgot i had his phone). When i realized i had his phone i decided to look through it. I saw a unsaved number in his inbox and read the messages. It was his ex. They were meeting up before and after his shift at the mall doing god knows what. Then, i saw something that made me want to either break down and cry, or chop his head off. "I love you babezz<333" from her and the response that totally broke my heart "I love you too <3."

 

I went back outside an pulled him away from his friend. I had asked him why he was talking to her again. He played stupid and that is when i took out his phone. Quoting her i asked him "I love you babez??? You told her you LOVE her???" I knew it was her because he had told me they called each other "babez." He told me it was what she had expected him to say, and he was only seeing her to talk about the baby. Me being a complete dumbass believed him and asked him to tell me when he is going to go and see her. Shortly after that he got fired from that job, which was a huge relief on my part. But he continued seeing her.

 

One day i decided to contact her to make a peace offering. She accepted and we started talking. I asked her about theyre "visits" and she told me he was cheating on me with her. as mad as i was i dident flip out on her. She told me what he was doing was horrible and that i am such a cool person etc, and that she wouldent sleep with him anymore. I dident know wether to believe her or not.

 

I confronted my husband with the fact i was talking to her and he obviously wasent happy and i told him what she told me and he just kept denying it. im torn wether to believe her or him.

 

I later found on his email naked pictures of her, and emails from other people on craigslist "wanting to ****" in the area where we live. i put a keylogger on the computer to monitor what he does. he is on craigslist looking at other women in the area, but doesnt respond to their adds, and he does this either when i am sleeping or when he is on porn sites. his response to when i confronted him about the pictures of her was that he looks at them only as porn (well DUH pics of her and her va jay jay is considered porn).

 

i am so confused, and have no idea how to confront him with *all* my findings (there is a lot i havent told him about), and really dont know what to do with him. we were soo happy until she was back in the picture, and now i am miserable and pregnant and dont want to be a single 19 year old mom :'c

i still love him and i love him unconditionally, but i dont want to share him.

[Owl]

I wouldn't confront.

 

I believe that the term is "anullment".

 

You've been married < 3 months, and he's doing this. He's clearly not ready for a committed relationship. Cut your losses and file now before you have to pay for a full blown divorce later when he continues to cheat on you.

 

I don't believe that you need any further info in order to have the divorce annulled.

[Owl]

i love him unconditionally, but i dont want to share him

 

Just giving you a rough time here...but not sharing him is a condition.

 

Don't be afraid to love with conditions...it's reality.

 

Unconditional love is a Hollywood fiction. Romantic love is nearly always based on several conditions...don't feel like you have to meet Hollywood expectations to have a good life.

[xomissraddox]

i really dont want to break up, i want to try to fix things. i feel like he will change once the baby is born. but i also feel like he is just using me and my family for not only money, but a place to live so he can get some custody of his daughter.

 

also, there is a order of protection against him, it is illegal for him to see her. i dont know if i should call the police, and let them know whats going on. for all i know jail will fix him.

 

i am not 100% that he is having an affair, but i really think he is. it hurts me a lot knowing he is going to see her, and just recently he has been doing it behind my back...again.

 

i was thinking of kicking him out and telling him to have her. she is the kinda person that sleeps around. she cheated on him with 9 different people while pregnant with their daughter. just recently i went through his phone and found he got angry and jealous when she told him she had a guy friend and she wasent going to sleep with him(my husband) because the guy friend kissed her and she dident want to mess things up with him. she told him she has every right to move on just like he did- i feel he rly dident "move on" because of this jealousy.

[xomissraddox]

i also believe anullment is an easy way out. that is a last resort kinda thing.

[Darren Steez]

And may the cloud or fog of love that obscures your sight prepare you for a life time of pain, wondering what he's up to when he's not home. You continue to swallow his bull, he keeps denying when he's been wilfully cheating on you. He's not sorry and he'll continue with this behaviour because his actions have no consequences and it will get easier and easier. There's a song..Love should have brought you home last night...if he respected you and your baby, he wouldn't be searching for other ass!

[hunnybea]

i really dont want to break up, i want to try to fix things. i feel like he will change once the baby is born. but i also feel like he is just using me and my family for not only money, but a place to live so he can get some custody of his daughter.

 

also, there is a order of protection against him, it is illegal for him to see her. i dont know if i should call the police, and let them know whats going on. for all i know jail will fix him.

 

i am not 100% that he is having an affair, but i really think he is. it hurts me a lot knowing he is going to see her, and just recently he has been doing it behind my back...again.

 

i was thinking of kicking him out and telling him to have her. she is the kinda person that sleeps around. she cheated on him with 9 different people while pregnant with their daughter. just recently i went through his phone and found he got angry and jealous when she told him she had a guy friend and she wasent going to sleep with him(my husband) because the guy friend kissed her and she dident want to mess things up with him. she told him she has every right to move on just like he did- i feel he rly dident "move on" because of this jealousy.

 

I remember being 19...feeling everything so much deeper...ugh...I hate this for you, but he isn't worth it...no matter how you feel about him, you are 19. You have your WHOLE life to live...even though it feels like it's over now, it's not. Pregnant ISN'T the end of the world either. You don't need him because he will NOT grow up and he won't change after the baby is born...he has a 9 MO already...if he were gonna change, it would have happened.

 

I wish I could tell you to stay...but this is an IMPOSSIBLE situation...she won't quit sleeping with him. Don't trust anyone, tell your parents about it and kick him out. And get tested for STD'S! Your baby can suffer if you have them! I married young also my first time around...and it took a long time to figure out my guy wasn't worth it...don't waste you life on someone who isn't gonna care...

 

A baby is NOT a band-aid and won't fix a thing...my heart breaks for you sweetie...

[spriggig]

I feel like he will change once the baby is born.

Why?

But i also feel like he is just using me and my family for not only money, but a place to live so he can get some custody of his daughter.

Pretty much the only thing here that makes sense to me.

for all i know jail will fix him.

Right. Because what you want for a husband and provider is an unemployed cheater with a criminal record--because that will make it easier for him to get a job?

I am not 100% that he is having an affair

What would it take to convince you, if not simply re-reading your own words? For instance, this part:

and she told me he was cheating on me with her. as mad as i was i dident flip out on her. She told me what he was doing was horrible and that i am such a cool person etc, and that she wouldent sleep with him anymore.

 

Regardless of whether or not he has slept with her since you've been married, he IS cheating on you. Emotional Affairs are at least as devastating to a marriage as Physical Affairs. He still loves her, she still has his heart--that which he vowed to give only to you.

 

Considering you still live at home I'm assuming you trust and love your parents. I suggest talking to them about this and partaking of their wisdom in these matters.

[alexandria35]

XO, I don't want to sound harsh but your husband doesn't sound like much of a catch. Besides the obvious cheating and lying, he also doesnt' seem able to provide for his family. You live with your parents with a baby on the way and he has a kid from a previous relationship. He had a job at the mall and then he got fired and he's cheating on you while you are pregnant with his baby!

 

Sorry but this just sounds bad all the way around and I think you should cut him loose. I know that being pregnant and young and in-love makes it difficult for you to picture your future without him. However your future with him looks pretty bleak to me. And men don't change when they have babies. Your husband already has a baby and that obviously hasn't turned him into a man of honesty and integrity. Your baby isn't going to change him either.

 

Instead of depending on him to change and become a good husband and provider, how about you start depending on yourself? Since you live with your family they could help you with childcare and you could go to school or learn a trade. Something that would make you self sufficient and able to take care of your child. You are to young to be settling for this and the sooner you end it the better. You have a whole life ahead of you and you can make it into whatever you want. Please don't let your husband or guys like him hold you back.

[RobD70]

i really dont want to break up, i want to try to fix things.

You can’t fix him, he has to want to do that himself and it doesn’t appear that he is interested.

i feel like he will change once the baby is born.

No.

Everyone says that and they are always disappointed. He already has a baby by his ex, think that changed him?

but i also feel like he is just using me and my family for not only money, but a place to live so he can get some custody of his daughter.

This is most likely correct.

 

also, there is a order of protection against him, it is illegal for him to see her. i dont know if i should call the police, and let them know whats going on. for all i know jail will fix him.

Not unless he’s in jail for several years and by then you should have moved on. Jail rarely is ever “fixes” anyone.

 

i am not 100% that he is having an affair, but i really think he is. it hurts me a lot knowing he is going to see her, and just recently he has been doing it behind my back...again.

He’s having an affair.

 

i was thinking of kicking him out and telling him to have her. she is the kinda person that sleeps around. she cheated on him with 9 different people while pregnant with their daughter. just recently i went through his phone and found he got angry and jealous when she told him she had a guy friend and she wasent going to sleep with him(my husband) because the guy friend kissed her and she dident want to mess things up with him. she told him she has every right to move on just like he did- i feel he rly dident "move on" because of this jealousy.

Looks like a baby didn’t change her either.

 

He’s a loser, once you realize you can do better you’ll see that.

[xomissraddox]

thank you all for your input, this is all so hard for me. i feel like you all are right. i just wanted to add that i looked through his phone yet again and to my knowledge he hasent talked to his ex. but i did find some other girl he talks to. im not sure if he is trying to get with her too, but she seems 100% not interested. he told her he felt "obligated" to marry me because he told my father i im pregnant. he said he was sick of marriage already because i "start drama" and when he ends things i bring them back up. i honestly HATE finding out something new every day. i treat him so well. i give him everything he needs and it seems like what i do is not enough. i make a very small amount of money a week babysitting for a friend of my mother in law, and it used to go to his very expensive gluten-free meals (he has a allergy to wheat and such). he ignores my texts while he is at work, and claims he is soo busy since its back to school week (he works in a childrens shoe store) but i go through his phone and find he has all the time to talk to his ex while at work.

 

so recently i started to ignore him. i ignored his texts (the very few that he sends) and i stopped sleeping closely next to him. i stopped spending my money on him (which brings me to the bank acct problem, 2gs from the wedding all in his name and he refuses to make a joint acct= no money access for me ) and i stopped cooking for him. i also put a password on the computer (one he doesnt know)

 

he has been a bit sweeter since i have been doing this. but idk if he is just sucking up to me. i dont know how to confront him about the whole feeling obligated to marry me thing, or if i rly should.

[cyabye]

LISTEN! HE IS CHEATING ON YOU and does NOT care about you or the baby. PERIOD. His actions speak louder than ANYTHING he will tell you. Throw him out of your parent's house or have your father do it and start thinking about you and that baby NOW! It's time to get your head on straight. THINK what's best for you and the baby now! Have your parent's help you divorce this guy (he is NOT a man in my book) and move forward from this.

 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE OR STOP! Why? Because he knows you will not do anything about it. The choice is yours but since he is living in your parent's home and you are pregnant, I think you hold the cards here. You let him do whatever he wants. Claim some power. You are about to be a mother and that comes first now. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but it's what you NEED to hear. Good luck.

 

Cya

[hunnybea]

Ignoring him isn't gonna fix a thing...I've been there, I KNOW. You can't make it work if he is sick of the marriage already...as soon as things get back to "normal" it'll be the same all over again. He isn't ready to grow up. That's all it boils down too...and you can't make a marriage work with a kid. It doesn't matter if he has children of his own or not, if he isn't ready to grow up, that's on him and you can't help him in that. He'll just put you through misery.

 

I've been in a marriage where the guy felt "obligated"...it NEVER works. Ever. And I was 17 and he was 18. He wanted to work on cars all his free time and ignore me...I wanted a husband...but we didn't get it. Building a life together, being happy together, loving, REALLY loving the other person...it wasn't there and the marriage struggled for 5 years...I wasted my teenage years on a boy who didn't care about me...only what he could try and change me into.

 

That's why I say it's impossible. Talk to your parents...I'm sure they are waiting for you to come to them. They have eyes, and they can see what's going on. How did they feel about the marriage in the first place?

[xomissraddox]

my parents were very supportive of the whole thing. none of us saw any of this coming. i can def. say we were blindsided.

 

my husband and my communication skills SUCK. we "talk" through words in a notebook. he wrote to me today and basically told me he wants out. i am too stressful and immature for him and he has wayy to much on his plate between court, parenting classes, work, and now my parents are making us pay 500 rent (which they are putting away in a separate account to give us when we accumulate enough to start living on our own) that he cant afford (but they will take anything and he has offered them nothing)he said that he is going to the bank tomorrow and taking out all the wedding money and giving it to me.

[spriggig]

and it used to go to his very expensive gluten-free meals

 

Since all gluten products are completely unnecessary in any diet (and harmful to everyone to boot), there is no reason to spend one extra cent on "gluten-free" products. Simply give up all gluten products. Everyone can benefit from this advice, not just those few with Celiac.

 

Here's the products he can simply eliminate from his diet without replacing with expensive substitutes:

 

http://www.celiac.com/articles/182/1/Unsafe-Gluten-Free-Food-List-Unsafe-Ingredients/Page1.html

[hunnybea]

my parents were very supportive of the whole thing. none of us saw any of this coming. i can def. say we were blindsided.

 

my husband and my communication skills SUCK. we "talk" through words in a notebook. he wrote to me today and basically told me he wants out. i am too stressful and immature for him and he has wayy to much on his plate between court, parenting classes, work, and now my parents are making us pay 500 rent (which they are putting away in a separate account to give us when we accumulate enough to start living on our own) that he cant afford (but they will take anything and he has offered them nothing)he said that he is going to the bank tomorrow and taking out all the wedding money and giving it to me.

 

He's saying you are immature to make himself feel better. Let him go, find out who you are before you start any relationship again and focus on that baby.

[2long]

Just giving you a rough time here...but not sharing him is a condition.

 

Don't be afraid to love with conditions...it's reality.

 

Unconditional love is a Hollywood fiction. Romantic love is nearly always based on several conditions...don't feel like you have to meet Hollywood expectations to have a good life.

 

Sorry Owl. Romantic love is the Hollywood fiction. Unconditional love is real, it just isn't anything like most people try 2 characterize it. And marriage is a contract based on conditions. Trying 2 apply unconditional love in a si2ation like this is silly.

 

-ol' 2long

[spriggig]

my husband and my communication skills SUCK.

 

This, by the way, is exactly right. In terms of communicating, you're both half responsible. Just talking about you now, if you have trouble with confrontation to the point of becoming anxious, work on it, get help, find some way to deal with it. Avoiding confrontation is a sure way to kill every long term relationship you'll ever have.

 

Men, especially young men, virtually never get the subtle clues women naturally use for communicating. Also, realize if you don't already, that men don't constantly analyze relationships in the way that women do. If there isn't an immediate problem, e.g. you yelling at him, then he isn't thinking very deeply about the relationship.

[spriggig]

my parents were very supportive of the whole thing. none of us saw any of this coming. i can def. say we were blindsided.

 

Time to go talk to the ol' mom and dad. No anonymous advice you get on this board can match what your mom and dad can provide. They've watched you since the day you were born, in some ways they know you better than you know yourself. If you haven't talked to them on this level before, you might be surprised what they've had to overcome in their own marriage and past relationships.

[xomissraddox]

okay, so the other day he was acting as if he wants to leave. but yesterday, he made me dinner, spent the day with me, and dident start up one argument. now he is talking about paying my father rent, and talking about our future together. he even went to look at baby things at the store with me! this was all out of the blue. should i trust it?

[Jilly Bean]

Baby. Mama. Drama.

 

This guy is 21, and already has two kids with two different women. Who knows how many more are out there, considering he's actively looking for sex on craigslist.

 

Honey - what will it take for you to see him for what he is?

 

You have SO much evidence against him, yet you seem to be turning a blind eye to all of it.

[2long]

should i trust it?

 

Of course not.

 

-ol' 2long