Lost Fish Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Hi again Kristin, OK... breathe! I feel like you are trying to justify everything you did - but you really don't have to. Breakups are harsh on both sides, no matter how you go around it. One thing you have to be aware of when posting here is to know your audience. A fair amount of the people replying to you are dealing with their own broken hearts and this definitely holds a sway into how people are responding to you. You did what you did. You have conviction that it was the right thing to end it and we agree with you. Who cares about the exact details of how the breakup happened? Don't worry about trying to take on responsibility for your ex's happiness. He'll figure things out on his own. I would really try to be careful as it sounds like he is really taking things hard and his violent actions at work are a bit disconcerting. You are smart and strong and I think you will be just fine. End this chapter of your life and remember the experience and what you learned to apply to the next relationship (type of guy you want or don't want, red flags to be aware of, ideals to live by and hold strong...etc). You'll be fine!
YellowShark Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I am trying to make a happy life for myself, and I can't spend it being someone else's psychiatrist. I bought him books on overcoming anger and being optimistic, and he never bothered to crack the covers. I really tried. I encouraged him by bringing him job applications, etc, by trying to take him fun places, but he resisted me all the way. I really did all I could! The way he is handling it is making me feel like I am such a horrible person, so I think I am going to write it out so he can read it, un-interrupted, and maybe it will begin to process....we'll see I guess! Here's some tough love. Life is too short to be his mommy kristinpea1979. You have set some benchmarks and goals as to what YOU NEED to be happy in a relationship. None of which are unreasonable. Since he doesn't want to meet the benchmarks you need, he is obviously not the right man for you. A man who is truly in love and a good healthy partner will move mountains to make his woman happy. Sadly this is not the case in your current relationship. You have even gone so far as to open a lot of doors for him - (buying books, bringing job applications, clearly communicating your needs) - and he still refuses to walk through those doors. His past is not a free pass to be a dickwad as an adult. I would say - sadly - that you need to walk away until he proves himself to you. You deserve better than a XBOX-playing pot-headed child, you deserve a man. Just my two cents. Best of luck.
Cuccoon Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Type A personality can be characterized by impatience, rudeness, hostility, anger, easily upset over small things, self-critical (but not in a productive way), high stress all the time. Some of the other traits of type A, like caring about money, not showing emotion, being obsessed with getting to places on time, and being a workaholic etc, are clearly NOT traits he shows, lol) Another thing we have in common, Kristen. Although I was married to, have a child with, and worked in marital counselling with my ex to save our marriage, he fits all the descriptions you put here for type A, and more. Anger management is needed! I have been the one trying to save this relaitonship and it will never happen as long as everyone else outside my ex are the ones he deems as at fault for causing him stress and anger. You were stronger than I to get up and leave. Very good call. Go NC. My H continued to berate me for a year after he left (we have to see each other almost daily because of our small son). Constant criticisms about how messy the house was, or my car, or how I'm crazy, etc. I was literally having panic attacks hours before I'd have to see him. It was so not worth it. I have gone as NC as I can, since we have a child, and he has suddenly been nice. It's very suspect and frustrating. There is no change with these guys as long as they are blaming everyone else. Sounds like he is continuing to act crazy, now blaming you since you left. It's not your fault. He needs a serious reality check and look in the mirror. Not your problem any more. The less contact with him the better. Keep us posted!
callingyouuu Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Hello! After reading your story, I'm sorry it turned out that way. You did your best. At least now you know to stay away from people with anger issues like the plague. From what I hear, and as with a few other posters, the only thing I could possibly fault you with is the two months of distance. Yes, you tried to speak with him about how you felt, and yes, he was being unresponsive. However, I feel as if you gave yourself this time to mentally check out of the relationship, and on principle I always feel like that is unfair to the other person who has only the slightest clue of what might be going on. It might just be my personal experience on the other side of this treatment, but it hurts like hell when you finally get confirmation that your significant other has slowly abandoned ship without telling you until she's already swum 20 miles away. You did say that you were unhappy, but that's not quite the same as actually telling him you want to leave the relationship. Knowing that he has anger issues, I think waiting might have actually exacerbated his anger in the end. That said, his reaction is still unacceptable, and I'm still on your side. I just can't help but feel a little sympathy for the guy, especially since your life is on the up and up while he is still stuck in a world without responsibility.
Author kristinpea1979 Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 Oh, I am not without sympathy for him. Of course now that he keeps calling me and begging me to let him change, my normal thought pattern is being disrupted and I start second guessing myself, probably out of guilt. Suddenly I forgot all the "cons" that I know are there, and I feel like it would be easier just to not hurt him. This is a horrible thought pattern, but I revert to it, briefly, every time I break up with someone! I do feel bad about the last couple months, and how I handled it. I guess I am inexperienced with this sort if thing. All my other break-ups, even though I had been the one that wanted them, sort of just happened spontaneously and then it was over and we both moved on, usually because my behavior pushed it until he just wasn't happy anymore. My current ex said that he didn't like my behavior, and knew I was withdrawing, and he even claims he thought about leaving me, but he didn't, he "loves me too much." I love him too, but it's a different kind of love - not romantic love. I just saw a hard life ahead of me, full of arguing, crying, keeping things inside, and I just didn't see having a partner in him. I started to think of things like planning a wedding, having kids, going through the inevitable tough/sad times, and feeling like I'd be dealing with those things alone, without much input or support from him. I feel better every day, and I think he will too. I can't take back how I handled it, but I still believe that he would have been just as angry, and responded in exactly the same way even if I had done it as soon as I knew...then again who knows. I guess I wasn't even really sure until we had officially moved out, so in essence, those last 2 months were my deciding period, and once the boxes were packed and the house was clear, I saw it more clearly and was more detached from the situation....it will get better! Thank you for the continued support! :-)
Cuccoon Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 EVerytime my ex turns nice I second guess myself too. I suppose it's just part of the process. When you second guess yourself, read your posts here, or write out why you left and work hard at reminding yourself. It's good to know yourself and what you want - it's the only way to get it! It's a different ballgame once you are married, the second guessing grabs one much stronger. It's good you left before you had this kind of commitment.
WTRanger Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I do feel bad about the last couple months, and how I handled it. I guess I am inexperienced with this sort if thing. All my other break-ups, even though I had been the one that wanted them, sort of just happened spontaneously and then it was over and we both moved on, usually because my behavior pushed it until he just wasn't happy anymore. My current ex said that he didn't like my behavior, and knew I was withdrawing, and he even claims he thought about leaving me, The bold part is really an unhealthy, yet all too common, practice. Get out when you feel it no longer works. Don't push his buttons until he finally ends it, thus freeing you of the guilt of actually saying "We're through." Learn to stand up for what you feel and learn to be vocal about it.
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