Am I REALLY the "bad guy" here?

[kristinpea1979]

OK, so I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 15 months. Without giving a huge back-story, it was basically because I grew tired of his attitude, his lack of work ethic and not wanting to better himself, road-rage, pot-smoking (daily, several times a day, not casual), chewing tobacco (and cigarettes which he was hiding), general attitude towards the world/people/issues - classic type A. He has always been sweet to me, but he just has such a crappy attitude towards life, and he bores me. I'm a happy, outgoing person, I like to take weekend trips to NYC, Boston, etc, go shopping, go to dinner...his idea of a great Friday night is being in PJ's, getting high and playing on Xbox 360. He's a good cook, and he'd always be willing to rub my feet when I got home from work, he'd do the laundry or the dishes, but these things, in the grand scheme just aren't enough.

 

We lived together and had to give 2 months notice, so for the last 2 months I was pretty distant, barely showing any affection, but not being mean either. We were basically more like roommates. Any time I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, he got defensive and said he didn't want to talk if it was going to be all about him and his "flaws."

 

I went away with some friends, and told him I'd talk to him when I got back. He was freaking out saying that ever since the day we moved out, I'd been ignoring him, and being distant, which I admit I sort of was...but he gets very angry and irrational, so I was sort of delaying a big fight....someone who doesn't like to talk is difficult because it seemed like there was no good time to say what I had to say. So, I said it finally. He has been handling it VERY poorly, acting as if I am being ridiculous, telling me I am being "prissy, petty and stuck up" and just now starting breaking out the "c-word" - yikes! He isn't taking it well even though it has been weeks. I've already started dating, because I had ample time to think about it and I have no regrets.

 

He keeps texting me saying he will do whatever I want him to do to fix it (there isn't enough time in the world for that to happen). My feelings have simply changed. He didn't want to change while we were together, and I lost my romantic feelings for him. Not to mention he calls me and screams at me, saying that what I am doing to him is way worse than anything he did to me, saying that I am not "a child of God, I am evil" (he is using my religiousness against me now - not cool). He is screaming at me as he is outside his workplace, which is very unprofessional. He said I sound like "the last 4 broads" he has dated (jeez, you think it's us, or him????). He keeps saying that I need to come up with a better solution because this won't work. LOL. It works for me!

 

I hate being mean, but this is what I had to do. He is just making me out to be such a bad person, and I really don't know what I could have/should have done differently - except maybe doing this sooner!!! He can't give me any reasons why he thinks we are compatible, just that he loves me. Not enough in my book. We differ in every way a couple can differ - interests, taste, values, personalities, conflict management, anger management, etc. I just started seeing that I won't have the kind of life I want if I stay. Also, we are both 30. It's not like we're in our early 20's...

 

What is your take on this? Should I feel like a horrible person!? He is saying such nasty, horrible things and it really hurts me! I have broken up with all my past BFs and no one handled it the way this guy is handling it. He says I am abandoning him and that he'd never do that to me, and not to be conceited, but on his end he really has no reasons to want to abandon me...he just isn't seeing it from my perspective at all. Deep down I know I am doing the right thing, but I just feel terrible!!

Edited August 23, 2010 by kristinpea1979

[edgeofdarkness]

u know when people post on here all we ever get is one perspective just the person posting and i always think to myself there are always 2 sides but i guess he really does sound like a complete jerk, so the best u can do is to ignore him as best u can, if he goes on like this, let him stare a restriction order in the face.........

[kristinpea1979]

You are definitely right about that, which is why I tried to put all the facts from both sides. While he is not a bad, evil person, he does have a lot of personality flaws, both from his past and the way his family is. He could be very sweet to me, but in the course of our relationship, his actions and inactions, and blatant disregard for the things I asked him to change (and that he said he would, and wanted to) hurt a lot. I get the concept of not changing someone, but he made a lot of false promises, which I realize were probably to shut me up most of the time. He made it seem that he knew he had flaws, and wanted to change for the better, but it just never happeend. Not sure what he was waiting for. I hung in there for so long because I wanted to believe that he sincerely wanted to change for a better future for him and for us.

 

A breakup is when one or both parties realize that you just aren't compatible, it is not fulfilling any longer, and it's time to move on. One or both people end up being hurt by it, and in this case, it is him...I feel bad for upsetting him, but it is ultimately me that I need to look out for. The things he is saying lead me to believe that he'd rather I stay in an unhappy relationship just to keep him happy. He simply got too comfortable, didn't think I'd ever leave, and it's really throwing him that I did....it's what's best for me. He will find someone more compatible, maybe someone who is OK with all his bad habits, etc.

 

I am not perfect by any means, and I'm sure there is a different way I could have handled the breakup, but like I said, I'm dealing with a very defensive person who doesn't know how to discuss things calmly and like an adult, so I had no other options, really...

[WTRanger]

Did he have all of those habits when you met him, decided to get into a relationship with him, then decided to move in with him or did he develop them all of a sudden over the course of 15 months?

[kristinpea1979]

Did he have all of those habits when you met him, decided to get into a relationship with him, then decided to move in with him or did he develop them all of a sudden over the course of 15 months?

 

I knew someone would ask this question, and to me, it is irrelevant. Yes, he did have the bad habits (the pot smoking he insisted from day 1 he didn't do it that often and that his plan was to quit in the year to come - never happened). When he moved in I realized just how much he did it - he definitely lied about that part. I didn't realize how much he did it until I saw him all day, every day. I feel he was very deceptive about that, and said what I wanted to hear in the beginning.

 

The personality stuff was noticeable early on (road rage, etc), but I let it go for a while, because it wasn't really directed at me, just other people. In the beginning these things are OK and then when they start to affect the relationship, it doesn't work. I took him for a long weekend to Boston, for example, and all he did the entire time was complain about the crowds, the "jerks" who were in his way, etc etc etc.

 

In terms of the work ethic, no. In the beginning he said he was at his dead-end job temporarily because his ex and he broke up, he moved out, and needed a job. He talked about all these plans to do this and that, which never came to fruition. He said he was quitting smoking so he could pass a drug test, etc. He quit and then I found out he'd started again. I was online looking for jobs, bringing home applications, etc, and he never did anything with it. "I really need a new job," "I should start looking soon," etc is all he ever said. He liked to talk about doing things, but they never happened. Not attractive to a woman of 30.

 

So, just because I knew these things going in, and decided to proceed, doesn't mean that I should stay in an unhappy relationship and just deal with it, does it? Why do couples get divorced all the time, due to irreconcilable differences? You can't fault someone for breaking up just because you had the same habits and they knew this. Sometimes it just gets old. In my case, though, he talked a lot of BS about changing....I gave him a year, and nothing. Now he wants to change - too little, too late in my opinion.

[Lost Fish]

Hey Kristin,

 

You know break-ups aren't supposed to be easy. No one walks away from a broken relationship unscathed.

 

Here at LS we usually only hear from the people who've been dumped and are blindsided trying to find meaning, so I found your posts refreshing to come from the dumper.

 

If you laid out the reasoning for why you left him then there really is nothing left to say. If he REALLY wants you back then maybe this will finally give him the kick in the ass to start getting his life in order. I feel for the guy because it also sounds like he is stuck in a depression (unemployed, doesn't like to go out, stuck in bad habits, lack of willpower to change...etc). One way for him to start finding motivation in life is to quit the pot. That stuff makes people so lazy.

 

As for yourself, I think you sacrificed a lot to be with him for so long. There was a bit of codependence / enabling going on and I think it was strong of you to break away from that type of relationship - it shows that you are a woman with values and a strong sense of self-worth.

 

If you still feel like there is more to say I would consider writing him a letter or email and speak from a place of compassion - you could essentially take a lot of what you posted above and phrase it in a more personal way to him. State what happened in your heart over the final months and why. Tell him that unfortunately you just aren't attracted to him anymore, but do wish him the best.

 

Then go completely no contact. For this guy to get better he has to walk the hard lonely path to find himself and then start figuring out what he wants to do with the person he's become.

 

You'll be just fine. Stay strong!

 

Oh, and nice pic, too bad you don't live in Illinois, lol.

[WintersNightTraveler]

pot-smoking (daily, several times a day, not casual)...classic type A...getting high and playing on Xbox 360

 

Huh?!? How is this classic type A?

 

Anyway sounds like it was inevitiable, sorry it feels so crappy. Good luck.

[kristinpea1979]

Hey Kristin,

 

You know break-ups aren't supposed to be easy. No one walks away from a broken relationship unscathed.

 

Here at LS we usually only hear from the people who've been dumped and are blindsided trying to find meaning, so I found your posts refreshing to come from the dumper.

 

If you laid out the reasoning for why you left him then there really is nothing left to say. If he REALLY wants you back then maybe this will finally give him the kick in the ass to start getting his life in order. I feel for the guy because it also sounds like he is stuck in a depression (unemployed, doesn't like to go out, stuck in bad habits, lack of willpower to change...etc). One way for him to start finding motivation in life is to quit the pot. That stuff makes people so lazy.

 

As for yourself, I think you sacrificed a lot to be with him for so long. There was a bit of codependence / enabling going on and I think it was strong of you to break away from that type of relationship - it shows that you are a woman with values and a strong sense of self-worth.

 

If you still feel like there is more to say I would consider writing him a letter or email and speak from a place of compassion - you could essentially take a lot of what you posted above and phrase it in a more personal way to him. State what happened in your heart over the final months and why. Tell him that unfortunately you just aren't attracted to him anymore, but do wish him the best.

 

Then go completely no contact. For this guy to get better he has to walk the hard lonely path to find himself and then start figuring out what he wants to do with the person he's become.

 

You'll be just fine. Stay strong!

 

Oh, and nice pic, too bad you don't live in Illinois, lol.

 

Ah, thank you for that, Lost Fish! For the advice, and the compliment, haha...Illinois is only an hour flight, isn't it? ;-) JK...

 

I definitely think I sacrificed a lot, as well. I am not saying I am a better person or anything like that - just different. When I met him, I had my reservations about us being compatible, however it was refreshing at the time to meet someone who was more "simple-minded," for lack of a better word - my BF before him was very materialistic, always go-go-go, all about making money, spending money, and was mean to me quite often. I had met someone who was sweet, and didn't seem to care about all that - but months in, I learned just how NOT into those things he was, and it was like the polar opposite!!! Is there such thing as a happy medium!?! lol. Good grief!

 

I was strongly considering writing a letter, also. He has been impossible to have a conversation with, because he cuts me off, he swears, he says really vulgar, rude things, and I cannot express myself. Just knowing that is how he handles conflict and hard situations reinforces that I just don't want to spend my life with him - what if we were to have kids? What if something really hard happened, and it's bound to? Just got to the point where I didn't feel like I'd have a partner who could be there for me to help me through the tough times that can happen in life. Writing it all out and not being interrupted in my thoughts may definitely help. It doesn't seem like it would make him feel much better at this point in time, but maybe eventually.

 

He has made comments already about changing, and when I say that it's too late, he says things like "well what's the point in changing, then?" It's clear that he's only willing to change to keep me around, he doesn't take pride in himself enough to want to change either way, whether I stay or not. The fact of the matter is, my feelings have changed so much, I definitely am not attracted to him anymore, and haven't been for a while. He could do a 180 today and it wouldn't change the way I feel. Besides, he thinks its solely about the bad habits and pot, but there are fundamental value and personality traits that he has that I will never be OK with.

 

I will write something out and see how that goes - thank you for the feedback!! :-)

[kristinpea1979]

Huh?!? How is this classic type A?

 

Anyway sounds like it was inevitiable, sorry it feels so crappy. Good luck.

 

I wasn't implying that pot-smoking and laziness were classic type A, it was just another characteristic of him in a long list. A lot of his behavior is Type B, but his PERSONALITY/ATTITUDE/THE WAY HE DEALS WITH PEOPLE are Type A (I have a degree in Psychology, I wouldn't throw around a term without knowing what it means).

 

Type A personality can be characterized by impatience, rudeness, hostility, anger, easily upset over small things, self-critical (but not in a productive way), high stress all the time. Some of the other traits of type A, like caring about money, not showing emotion, being obsessed with getting to places on time, and being a workaholic etc, are clearly NOT traits he shows, lol)

[WintersNightTraveler]

I wasn't implying that pot-smoking and laziness were classic type A

 

Well when you put it in a list whose sentence culminates in declaring him type A, you are implying that - all we have to go on is what you write...

 

But anyway I don't think you even need to justify your breaking up with him. Just the laziness and tobacco chewing would probably be enough for me. Don't feel bad, which seems to be the topic of the post. You probably should reduce talking to him as much as you can, since he sounds like he's dealing with it crappily and nastily.

[kristinpea1979]

Well when you put it in a list whose sentence culminates in declaring him type A, you are implying that - all we have to go on is what you write...

 

But anyway I don't think you even need to justify your breaking up with him. Just the laziness and tobacco chewing would probably be enough for me. Don't feel bad, which seems to be the topic of the post. You probably should reduce talking to him as much as you can, since he sounds like he's dealing with it crappily and nastily.

 

Fair enough - let's chalk it up to a poor choice in punctuation, on my part :-)

 

I know I shouldn't be justifying it, but I am sure there are people out there who would argue that if I knew all this going in, I have no right to be upset. I will always beg to differ with that - if we all thought that way, there would be no breakups, because we'd never take chances with people who may not be right for us!! :-)

 

I will write him a letter, and then make sure he realize we need NC. He only sends me nasty messages and when I do answer the phone, he just screams and yells. I don't think he realizes, that had I been considering changing my mind, just the way he's handled this would be a huge deal-breaker!

[WintersNightTraveler]

I know I shouldn't be justifying it, but I am sure there are people out there who would argue that if I knew all this going in, I have no right to be upset. I will always beg to differ with that - if we all thought that way, there would be no breakups, because we'd never take chances with people who may not be right for us!! :-)

 

Of course you're upset, you're human and you care for him.

 

Really I think the only thing that jumped out at me as a bit sketch was how you kind of had that 2 month cool down where you basically knew what was coming but waited out the lease. That must have been really rough on him. When it comes to things like this, it's better to do the right thing immediately, even if it will be logistically inconvenient. I had something like that done to me once, although we had been dating much longer. It sucked.

 

But anyway there's no excuse for screaming. He needs to man up, and there's nothing you can do to help that. Good luck.

[WTRanger]

I'm not saying you have no right to be upset, you just can't be so shocked about it. You act as if this stuff popped up over night. Everything you dumped him for, you knew from the start. It's no different than buying a car with a bad motor then acting shocked that the engine died on you. Did you not pay attention to the red flags going up? Usually pot smokers aren't exactly the most motivated people on this planet. Despite the fact that his personality didn't mesh with yours, he treated you well. Which compared to other relationships on this board, you should be so lucky.

 

I think you took him on as your little experiment. You wanted to see if you could change him. Instead of figuring him out, you should focus on yourself. Your experiment is over, time to let him go. If you have to block his phone calls, then do so. You aren't being Miss Nice by taking his calls. You are only feeding his false hope that he's got a second chance. The humane thing to do is to cut him off completely, no matter how much he tries.

 

Why did you engage in such a serious relationship, I mean you moved in with him in less than 1.5 years of knowing him, with someone you knew from the start wasn't a good fit for you? I quote you on this "but there are fundamental value and personality traits that he has that I will never be OK with." So why, since you are not okay with some core things that he is, did you allow yourself to get into this relationship? You cannot change someone's core personality. Just as he couldn't change you into a care-free person who'd rather be high and play video games and you couldn't change him into a weekend traveler.

[kristinpea1979]

You are 100%, absolutely right. I did enter into it knowing he wasn't a good match. We do things like that sometimes - I had a bad experience with someone who was the total opposite, so I figured I'd see what happened. He did treat me nicely, but there are SO many things he'd do that hurt. We had plans for the morning, for example, and he'd stay up smoking so late, and sleep in, hitting snooze and not caring about getting up, until we were late for what I wanted to do, or until it didn't happen at all. I told him over and over I didn't like it when he would stay up til 4am then crash on the couch, leaving me to go to bed by myself, but he did it anyways for months.

 

I asked him to not smoke in the bathroom, he could do it someplace else like his "man cave" if he had to do it in the house, but he couldn't do that either. He knew how I felt when he got fired up in the car with road rage, ALWAYS interrupting a nice conversation we might have been having, but he did it anyways.

 

Yes, in retrospect, I shouldn't have gotten so involved. He could say the same for me, but he is clinging to me for some reason. Why doesn't he notice the glaring differences that I do? Let's not forget all the ways he promised to change. I felt like I had a son, not a partner. And also, let's not forget that "all 4 broads" from his past said the exact same things I am saying. We all want to give someone the benefit of the doubt, myself especially. Perhaps I dragged it out too long, but I was somewhat torn, even those last 2 months. I thought he'd see how he was affecting me and would want to change, but he didn't. He'd say he was going fishing with his buddies, and I'd find out he went out to a bar, drove home (drunk), and showed up to work the next morning, also drunk. Not responsible. Also, he'd go to work, wouldn't like the other guy he was supposed to work with, and he'd leave. He did this 2-3nights in a row sometimes. Is it fair that I bust my butt at work and he gives up his shifts left and right, and does nothing productive with that free time? These are NOT things I knew about going in. It is not fair to say that I knew all this going in. No one ever knows the full extent of someone until they spend time with them. Yes, he moved in too soon, that I know. If he hadn't, however, I may not know what I know, and this inevitable situation would simply be delayed...

 

I did write this post hoping that more people will sympathize, but it seems as if he is getting just as much sympathy, which I find interesting. I did admit that the last 2 months which I spent adjusting to my decision wasn't necessarily the way to go, but with an angry person like this, I felt it was best to keep the peace. Whether I'd done it then or now, he'd have responded the same exact way, and that is a fact.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I did write this post hoping that more people will sympathize, but it seems as if he is getting just as much sympathy, which I find interesting. I did admit that the last 2 months which I spent adjusting to my decision wasn't necessarily the way to go, but with an angry person like this, I felt it was best to keep the peace. Whether I'd done it then or now, he'd have responded the same exact way, and that is a fact.

 

Just so it's clear, I don't sympathize with his response. Whining is sad and screaming is reprehensible. It's just that he sounds smart enough to have known something was wrong in those 2 months, and it probably hurt him a lot. But aside from that, his response is terrible.

 

I think you are not getting much sympathy not because people disagree with your decision, but because you need a lot less sympathy! You are an attractive woman with the courage and clarity to make a difficult decision, you do cool things on the weekend instead of sitting around smoking weed and playing xbox, and you're moving on. That's a good spot! Your BF sounds like a mess in comparison. This will pass for you. I am sorry for you that it's rough. I have had to break up with people when I knew it was the right thing to do, and it sucks. But I also think you'll do well...

[WTRanger]

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between sh*t and syphilis in the dictionary.

 

The point of this board isn't to just agree with everything you say. It's also not a place to get just sympathy. The point is to get you to look into yourself and realize what went wrong so you become a better person. If all I tell you is "Aww you poor thing. That ******* was wrong for you. You are a queen. You'll find your King." you'd always make the same mistake over and over again. Does that really help you in any way?

 

When I first joined I thought certain posters weren't sympathetic, but as time went I to realized they were just getting me to look inward. You've listed his faults, but you need to realize he doesn't matter anymore. As far as you are concerned, he was hit by a run-away bread truck and no longer exists. So focus on you and you alone. Try to figure out why you let this go on for so long. Why didn't you hold your ground on stuff he refused to change and let things go for a while? Were you as vocal in your needs for him to change as you'd like? Things like that, if you understand them, your next relationship stands a better chance at succeeding.

 

I'm not favoring you or him over the other. That guy was a moron if he didn't think that by doing what he was doing he'd keep you around. He played an equal role in this breakup. Yes, he's taking it hard because I bet to him this is a complete surprise while you've been fading out over the past months. It almost always is a surprise to one party in any breakup. He's handling it poorly and it just affirms your decision to leave him.

 

What I've learned in the past year of being on here is that when I looked back, all of my worst break-ups (and the one that brought me here) were the ones where I compromised a core belief of mine to be with someone. There's a reason we have a gut feeling somethings wrong. There's a reason we see a red flag. We have to choose which ones to obey and which ones are not that important to us. Say for instance, if a girl has poor spelling or if she absolutely bitches out the waitstaff at a restaurant for no reason. Both are red flags for me, but one I'm willing to let slide in lieu of other personality strong points and one is a core personality trait of hers that if I let slide will ultimately end in catastrophic failure of the relationship.

 

Put it this way. If you found a house that you really liked but the realator told you that the house had a electrical problem that couldn't be fixed and would burn the house down. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. The house would burn to the ground, but they couldn't say when. Would you purchase it? If you go out to eat and the waiter tells you the special of the day is steaks from a cow they found dead on the side of the road, and they are pretty sure if you eat it you will crap like you just hit a Vegas jackpot. Would you order it?

 

So if you are not willing to compromise those, why compromise with your heart? Just learn from this and you cannot learn by looking at his faults. You've got to take the all painful journey inward. You'll find help here. It just may not be in the way you are expecting it.

 

By the way, moving out the way you did and letting your lease end in term, that takes a pair of brass ovaries to stick it out like that. It shows that you are a decent person. Most people would have left the other holding the bag and the full rent payment. You shouldn't be ashamed of that. You were committed to that lease, and you ended it when you exhausted all other options. Actually, a lot like this relationship. You gave it everything, stuck in there when most people would have bailed and you will become a better person for it. Just next time, pick a better apartment.

Edited August 23, 2010 by WTRanger

[LostInTurn]

Well, I don't know...

 

I just got out of a relationship where my significant other smoked cigarettes and weed. I don't know how you could not have known the extent of it. The first thing that I thought was... did you really know this person? How could you not have known the extend of it? Didn't you smell the cigarettes? Didn't you notice he was high?

 

As for video games. Typical. As for going places on the weekend. Did you ask him or did you expect him to ask you? Did you make a plan and he was never willing to go?

 

You say he gets upset since the break. Do you talk with him or are you short with him? Sometimes people just need the other person to listen. You obviously have your thoughts where they are and his differ (right now) so, when you speak are you short with him?

 

I ask these questions being on the other side of things. I know it can be upsetting when you're close with someone and they're no longer in your life. People can change, I believe that. The fact that he loves you, that's important. Maybe he can't think of any other reasons to be together right now because he's upset. Perhaps it would be in both of your best interests to take some time and think and then re-group.

 

People typically make rash decisions, fight, fight, fight, lose one another in the process and realize a few weeks down the line when it's too late.

 

You obviously invested time and effort in this person and cared about them enough to understand their 'flaws' in the beginning.

[LostInTurn]

 

But anyway there's no excuse for screaming. He needs to man up, and there's nothing you can do to help that. Good luck.

 

I shouldn't even comment; however...

 

I think when someone breaks up with us, sometimes people get upset. They are hurt, feel rejected, etc. People say things they don't mean. Has he apologized for anything he's said which you see as 'nasty and terrible'. My ex told me I was 'mean and terrible' When in reality, he was because he had no idea which end was up, didn't see that his actions forced my reactions, didn't take ownership of things he said during the breakup which in turn led me to say things, etc.

 

The list goes on. Breaking up is not easy. I don't know how it's been handled. If my ex told you his side of the story, I'd probably seem like a complete moron, yet I'm not. I'm the one who gave my all the entire relationship while he got high all the time and was in his own world.

[WintersNightTraveler]

I shouldn't even comment; however...

 

I think when someone breaks up with us, sometimes people get upset. They are hurt, feel rejected, etc. People say things they don't mean.

 

According to the poster, this man has on multiple occasions called her up and screamed at her, as well as screamed at her in public outside the workplace.

 

That level of anger and lack of self control goes way beyond any anguish over breaking up. The break-up may have brought out the worst but no break-up will reduce a genuinely mature and reasonable man to a screaming, uncontrolled public mess, no matter how bad it is.

 

Of course if this is a completely exaggerated account of the breakup, then maybe I am wrong. But since the poster is here and her ex-BF is not I will assume this close to what really happened. Yes people will exaggerate their side of the breakup, that is just a given. But if the simple facts presented are true, I think the guy needs to grow up and gain self control, and probably deal with some anger issues. If the simple facts presented are not true, and this guy really wasn't screaming at her in the parking lot, then this thread is doomed to be useless no matter how closely or well we analyze it.

[Chi townD]

I don't disagree with you breaking up with him. It is what it is. However, you wrote that you started dating just a couple of weeks after you broke up with him. If he got word of that (and I'm sure he did...) that is a VERY painful cut!

 

He probably thinks that you were already looking for someone new even while you were dating, and it shows him (in his frame of mind) that you are heartless towards his feelings by "rubbing his face in it". I think you should have given yourself a cooling off period from dating in general. And given yourself time to reset. I don't mean sitting at home and not doing anything because of him. Of course go out with your girlfriends! Have a good time! But, if it were me, I wouldn't want to go out with a girl for a while until I was ready and my ex was a distant memory.

[LostInTurn]

According to the poster, this man has on multiple occasions called her up and screamed at her, as well as screamed at her in public outside the workplace.

 

That level of anger and lack of self control goes way beyond any anguish over breaking up. The break-up may have brought out the worst but no break-up will reduce a genuinely mature and reasonable man to a screaming, uncontrolled public mess, no matter how bad it is.

 

Of course if this is a completely exaggerated account of the breakup, then maybe I am wrong. But since the poster is here and her ex-BF is not I will assume this close to what really happened. Yes people will exaggerate their side of the breakup, that is just a given. But if the simple facts presented are true, I think the guy needs to grow up and gain self control, and probably deal with some anger issues. If the simple facts presented are not true, and this guy really wasn't screaming at her in the parking lot, then this thread is doomed to be useless no matter how closely or well we analyze it.

 

My ex pulled over on the side of the highway once, got out, screamed at me for 5 minutes. I said nothing. I guess I'm a jerk for dealing with that. I was yelled at almost everyday for something stupid. Glad I read this thread... made me realize some anger issues.

 

Guess I'm not one to comment here.

[Chi townD]

Let me see if I can word that better. I'm not defending him or his behavior, but I understand his feelings.

 

You checked out of the relationship a long time ago; therefore, you probably didn't feel bad about going on dates. The ending of the relationship is new to him; still fresh. The pain is big on his shoulders. Thus, the lashing out.

 

Just a thought.

[WintersNightTraveler]

My ex pulled over on the side of the highway once, got out, screamed at me for 5 minutes. I said nothing. I guess I'm a jerk for dealing with that. I was yelled at almost everyday for something stupid. Glad I read this thread... made me realize some anger issues.

 

Guess I'm not one to comment here.

 

I am not sure what you mean. Of course you are one to comment, I'm sure you have valuable things to add.

 

But I would certainly say your ex was not a mature and reasonable man. I don't know what the best way to deal with it was since I don't know the circumstances. But certainly it was nothing you did that made him act this way, just like it was not the break up that make the ex-BF of the poster act that way. I am very sorry you were yelled at so much. In my youth I dealt with a lot of yelling, it was very painful. That is why I feel the way i do about it now as an adult. I hope things are better for you now.

 

Now to put in perspective, if they had some phone conversations with crying and some moderate arguments, yes that is very reasonable and you can't blame the poor guy for being upset. It was the screaming in the parking lot that really jumped out at me.

[PrettyPoppy]

You don't sound like a "bad guy" you sound ...healthy

 

Sure, you tried, we all do. You may have signed onto some things that were red flags, but most of us do in this life, and heck, what would the world be without giving people chances?

 

I hear a woman who stated what she needed pretty clearly to her X and, for whatever reason, he just couldn't, even after a bit of time.

 

So what is there one can do? Obviously he will need a bit of work on himself (always good for all of us) as you too will need to figure out how you got quite so entrenched. The real thing is you didn't let it turn into a martyr dysfunction, but just let yourself be a person doing her best to take care of herself and pretty functionally I may add.

 

I liked reading this post. Some of the better choices you made are ones that I aim for.

I don't think people sign onto dysfunction; one has to enter relationship with an open heart/mind. I just think we often fail to leave if necessary, before it is really damaging to all involved.

 

So, to summarize: if taking care of yourself with boundaries and realistic self-appraisal is "bad" ...well I'm all about being a bad girl.

[kristinpea1979]

Great feedback, thank you everyone!

 

I really tried to report the facts accurately, exactly how they happened. I realize that if I were to exaggerate, none of this advice/feedback would be effective, and I'd be lying to everyone, and myself. I am certainly not trying to make myself seem like an angel, because I know I am not, but I did all I could. Throughout this breakup I have been calm and mature when speaking with him. Someone asked if I have been short with him, and the answer is no. I haven't even raised my voice. I've tried to explain to him the areas where I just feel we aren't compatible, and he just cuts me off by screaming at me, using very bad words to describe me as well, says I am being very immature about all this. I know he is angry, but the way he's been responding is definitely not par with someone who can process anger a healthy way. My best friend's husband works with my ex, and said that he punched a wall last week at work, which created quite a scene. Also, yesterday he threw some glasses (he busses tables at a chain restaurant). He will go outside to the break area, call me from there and scream at the top of his lungs. People are starting to talk about him being crazy. Yikes!

 

In terms of me dating, well, the opportunity presented itself, and I just felt so un-fulfilled that I took the opportunity. Perhaps it was too soon, as that experience actually ended up hurting me, so I had that hurt on top of this stress - learned my lesson there! Will definitely give it some time. Although, I am positive that he didn't get wind that I went on a date - he is the type of person who would have definitely said something/mentioned it somehow, and he didn't say a word about it. He isn't on facebook, barely knows how to use a computer, and has a tiny circle of friends in town 35 minutes from me. The odds of that getting out to him are slim to none. Was it wrong? Perhaps - I can own up to that. Just curiosity about what else is out there, I suppose!

 

We definitely all want to give people a chance, and the benefit of the doubt. It's very possible, before you live with someone, to not see the extent of their bad habit, which someone asked about. He SAID he only smoked "once in a while," (pot), and the cigarette thing I guess was sporadic, like if was out fishing with his buddy he might have one here and there. The cigarettes are the least of my worries, as when he was at home he was chewing tobacco most the time, anyways. The things that make me the most upset, especially in the last 2 months are this: he knows how I feel about the chew, but he'd not think ahead and he'd end up "needing" it when I was in the car with him, so we'd have to stop. If I knew something upset my SO, I'd definitely be cautious and do that type of thing on my own time - sort of like out of sight, out of mind, you know? He spent plenty of time in the car without me, and we had a convenient store within walking distance, so there was no need to do it with me in the car. It was like he was rubbing it in my face! He did the same thing with pot about 2 weeks before the breakup. He knows my stance, but he HAD to stop at a house (in a bad neighborhood), left me in the car, at night, for over 10 minutes while he went into some strange house. He just had to have it that badly that he couldn't wait until I wasn't with him. These are the choices he made that were in very poor judgement, in my opinion. You know how your SO feels about these habits, but you're not even trying to at least keep them out of sight!?! He wasn't working hard enough to prove to me that he wanted to change, and that hurt.

 

I rode it out, was cordial to him and didn't treat him like crap the last 3 months or so. Would it have been better if I'd put on a front and acted 100% happy until we moved out, and THEN dropped this on him? At least I was giving off some signals that I wasn't happy, I even said I wasn't several times, but as I mentioned, he NEVER wanted to talk to me. He'd clam up, get defensive and leave the room and say we could talk about it "later," and later never came. He is in regret over his actions, and he is taking it out on me. He actually has a lot of regret about a lot in his past, and I think that is where a lot of his anger comes from. I am trying to make a happy life for myself, and I can't spend it being someone else's psychiatrist. I bought him books on overcoming anger and being optimistic, and he never bothered to crack the covers. I really tried. I encouraged him by bringing him job applications, etc, by trying to take him fun places, but he resisted me all the way. I really did all I could! The way he is handling it is making me feel like I am such a horrible person, so I think I am going to write it out so he can read it, un-interrupted, and maybe it will begin to process....we'll see I guess!