candleboxes Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 About two weeks ago my ex of 1+ years broke up with me - he did it while he was angry at me, moved all of his stuff out of the apartment, and because we were about to sign a lease on a new place together, he essentially left me homeless. (I've been riding couches these past 2 weeks and have now found some roommates so yay!) He seemed very insistent on being friends and at first I thought I'd do anything to keep him in my life, even if it meant having him as a friend. But as the days go on I started thinking clearer and wrote him, what I thought, was a nice email last Sunday saying goodbye for Real, because I couldn't be friends with him, and also couldn't forgive him for what he'd done. (He feels no remorse for how he broke up with me and says he did nothing wrong) He put all of the blame of our failed relationship at my feet and even made comments like if I somehow went out and changed everything that was wrong about myself, to give him a call in the future (*******). I accept my part of the downfall of the relationship but it cuts very deep for him to be so remorseless about everything, or if he does feel remorse he doesn't indicate it to me at all. The last communication we had was after my email to him, and that was him pretty much insulting me yet again and going on about what a bad girlfriend and bad friend and bad person I was. (Clearly I should want to be friends with this guy, right?) heh. Saturday afternoon he randomly calls me and I stupidly pick up. I am kind of curt to him then apologize for being curt and I tell him I'll call him back in a few minutes. I don't. Not because I didn't want to, obviously I still love him, but I just didn't know what to say to him. I went out clubbing that night and then I stupidly drunk dialed him. It was only about a 2 minute phone call and I'm pretty sure I told him I loved him but then said I had to go. How humiliating. I guess I'm mostly upset because I can't figure out why someone that doesn't want to be with me keeps thrusting themselves into my life. For example, I met him on Okcupid, so when this relationship died, a week goes by, and I remake my account. I knew he was on there but never expected to come across his profile because I knew it'd hurt me to see his. Well he saw mine and has viewed it like 3 times now, and he viewed it after my drunk dialing him. I feel confused. And annoyed. And I feel like I'm getting mixed signals and then I feel like I'm just reaching for signals that aren't there. It's weird - you tell someone you're sorry it didn't work out but you wish them the best, they insult you for being a terrible person for not wanting to be friends, and then they keep popping up here and there. What gives?
ShannonMI Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 (edited) Sounds like my ex except he doesn't insult me. He puts the blame on himself. The classic "it's not you, it's me" BS. He wants to be friends as well and I told him that I didn't think that was possible. He insists we can be, that I just need time. Keep dreaming dude! We also had a dog together and he's tried using the dog as a way to keep contact. He wanted visitation and I agreed that he could, but he had to come get the dog and drop the dog off while I was at work. I told him I didn't want to see him or talk to him. Then I'd get these stupid text messages from him regarding the dog and realized he was most likely using him as a way to contact me. After I dealt with this for a month, I told him no more dog and no more contact. He told me ok and to contact him when I was ready to be friends and let him see the dog. Also I emailed him a list of some of my belongings that were still at his house that I needed him to drop off. It was a fairly short list and one of the items was my passport which I consider very important. Well he dropped off all the things on the list EXCEPT the passport. I see this as a way to get me to contact him. A game. I don't need my passport right now, so I haven't asked him for it. He knows eventually I'm going to want it. How ridiculous! It's like you broke up with me! You wanted to end things! Why do you find ways to try to have me in your life? Yes, we spent 8 years together and we were close, but come on! Let me go and let the f-ing dog go! This was your choice buddy! I feel like your ex is doing the same type of thing. Wants to be your friend even though he insults you. He calls you. He wants to have some sort of contact or to keep tabs (checking and re-checking your Okcupid profile). Maybe you should try going on another dating site and forget the Okcupid site since he's on it too. You need to tell him to not call you, email you or text you. Try to stay away from the phone too when you're drunk! It's tempting when you are drinking to want to call or text him. Give your phone to a friend when you are out clubbing. Don't beat yourself up for drunk dialing and professing your love to him. Just don't do it anymore. It doesn't do you any good. I did the same thing and my ex didn't give me the response I wanted and it hurt even more. It was like even more rejection. I hope that helps. Just know you aren't alone and a lot of the people on this forum are dealing with the same issues:) Edited August 23, 2010 by ShannonMI
Author candleboxes Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Why? Why do they do this? I haven't called him. (Except hours after he called me and I DRUNK dialed him). I don't text. I don't look at his twitter or facebook or his stupid OKC. He threw me away and then insulted me when I said I couldn't be friends. Why bother me? He said he owed me no consideration as far as how he broke up with me because I'd "constantly mistreated" him, so I guess he feels he owes me no consideration for the time that we're actually broken up. I really hate this. And I'm afraid I'm going to hate him.
ShannonMI Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Why? Why do they do this? I haven't called him. (Except hours after he called me and I DRUNK dialed him). I don't text. I don't look at his twitter or facebook or his stupid OKC. He threw me away and then insulted me when I said I couldn't be friends. Why bother me? He said he owed me no consideration as far as how he broke up with me because I'd "constantly mistreated" him, so I guess he feels he owes me no consideration for the time that we're actually broken up. I really hate this. And I'm afraid I'm going to hate him. They do this because they want some sort of contact or to keep tabs on you, is what I'm guessing. Men can be complete morons. If you start hating him, that will be a good thing! Then you won't be tempted to call him or whatever. If he tries contacting you again by phone or email just say "I want no more contact with you because you are contantly insulting me and YOU wanted to end things." "I need to move on and I suggest you do the same." Hopefully that works.
LostInTurn Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I was blamed for everything that's happened since the breakup. My ex doesn't think he owes me consideration after our breakup either. What he fails to realize is that his actions caused my reactions. This was all started by him to begin with, so if we're going to start placing blame I start with my ex. It sounds like the same goes for you. The blame starts with your ex. You cannot feel bad about contacting him. That should be your last concern. You're human. You have feelings. Someone walked all over you. What are you supposed to do? Suppress your feelings? No. That's not realistic and if someone doesn't realize that then they are blind by their irrational thoughts right now and it will hit them twice as hard when they see what they have done.
Nappeal Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 You're an ecxuse. He doesn't seem to want to take the blame (probably a pattern in his life?). He doesn't want you as a GF, yet he wants you to be a friend, yet he degrades you when you stand up for yourself and give him a NO?! Wtf... Some people's psyche I will never understand. Does it honestly sound as if he has remorse? No, it doesn't. You know, my mom said to me in complaining yesterday that my x had thrown me away was 'don't let someone validate your worth'. I feel as if I have a shytload of confidence in myself and I don't need a fkn guy to 'validate' me, so I blew her off. I thought about it more, and you know what? When we as dumpees allow ourselves to feel disregarded, we are ALLOWING the dumpers to impress their value of us onto ourselves...and we believe it. 'How could s/he have no remorse?' "how could s/he throw me away like that?' 'How could s/he not care?' Obviously, when we ask ourselves these questions, we are relying on them to let us believe that we have no value. The truth is, we don't have value to these douchbags and douchebaggettes, and anyone who can't see your true worth and value doesn't deserve any place in our lives. Sorry, I'm kinda talking out of my butt...I have my own issues lol. You, me and everyone else is worth a lot more then we let these people believe we are. Its hard to blow these people off, but that's all you can do is put forth the effort to give them a huge middle finger. It gets easier, w time. And hey, remember this - I WISH I could never talk to my x again...I'm gonna pop out his baby in November. Even if he showed no interest in the baby, I still have no choice but have some kind of association...FOREVER! LOL things could always be worse honey.
LostInTurn Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 We're all 'EXcuses' because our EX's don't think! I hate them all.
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