ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I think this might be a better place to talk about my situations and get some forum advice? maybe somebody has been in a similar situation? Hopefully I can get the terminology correct So I am the OM to woman who lives with her BF of I guess now about 7 years. When we first met should say they were drifting apart and would be done soon. Wee fast forward two years and not much has changed, just that she stated she is no going anywhere. Early on she talked of kids and what not and was even the one too tell me she loved me. She tried ending with this guy a couple times, but apparently could never follow through. Can she truly just go back and act like we never were? I cannot imagine that is possible, our relationship was pretty intense, the only time we fought was over this issue. I am certain I should just walk but it is hard I did feel like we were meant to be.
lilbunny Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I think this might be a better place to talk about my situations and get some forum advice? maybe somebody has been in a similar situation? Hopefully I can get the terminology correct So I am the OM to woman who lives with her BF of I guess now about 7 years. When we first met should say they were drifting apart and would be done soon. Wee fast forward two years and not much has changed, just that she stated she is no going anywhere. Early on she talked of kids and what not and was even the one too tell me she loved me. She tried ending with this guy a couple times, but apparently could never follow through. Can she truly just go back and act like we never were? I cannot imagine that is possible, our relationship was pretty intense, the only time we fought was over this issue. I am certain I should just walk but it is hard I did feel like we were meant to be. It is hard to walk away, anyone who has actually been there will more than likely understand that. It is also hard being the OM or OW for lots of people. It sounds like you know what you should do and can't follow it up easily, remember that it cuts both ways. On the other hand they are not married, from your post it sounds like there are no children, she is in a position that is easier to walk out of than most and hasn't for two years. Take a step back and think about what you want. If you aren't happy being the OM, how long are you willing to wait for change? Be clear and stick to what you say (that isn't easy either and I'm waiting it out for a decision at the moment). I came to the conclusion that if it is meant to be he will leave and be with me, if it isn't then at least I know and will be able to move on with my life. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
Confused4Now Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I think this might be a better place to talk about my situations and get some forum advice? maybe somebody has been in a similar situation? Hopefully I can get the terminology correct So I am the OM to woman who lives with her BF of I guess now about 7 years. When we first met should say they were drifting apart and would be done soon. Wee fast forward two years and not much has changed, just that she stated she is no going anywhere. Early on she talked of kids and what not and was even the one too tell me she loved me. She tried ending with this guy a couple times, but apparently could never follow through. Can she truly just go back and act like we never were? I cannot imagine that is possible, our relationship was pretty intense, the only time we fought was over this issue. I am certain I should just walk but it is hard I did feel like we were meant to be.Wow!!! She straight up told you that? This is the problem with most OM/OW they are being strung along when all you want is clarity in the situation. If my MW told me that early on I would have saved myself 3 or 4 years of grief and time wasted. Take my advice she did you a favor. If you stick around then its on you.....your choice. UGH!!!
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 that is what she said, but then I go so many mixed messages throughout the time that I never knew what to think. I just figured at some point she would be ready to give us a go (actually a big part of me was hoping to get caught to force things) but that never happened.
Confused4Now Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 that is what she said, but then I go so many mixed messages throughout the time that I never knew what to think. I just figured at some point she would be ready to give us a go (actually a big part of me was hoping to get caught to force things) but that never happened.Well I did that....11/08 D-day for me and guess what I was thrown under the bus. Once all the dust had settled for her she just contacted me assuring me that things were going to progress.....but guess what...it never did. Fast forward to today..She's still there in her marriage....still in the house and I'm sure sleeping with her husband. This is why you step away from it. Let her figure it out...you say you are a OM...are you married or single? Cause I was married and did get a divorce so I could have a better life so I thought!!!
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 (edited) I am single, and pretty much treated this relationship as a real one, daily calls and texts, was not out looking for anyone else, thought I had " the one" I do not really have any way to expose us other than in a very evil way which I am sure would not help. I do not know her friends and her family already knows about me (we've met). DO not know who her BF is or even what he looks like I would have to figure all that out first. Edited August 23, 2010 by ragegnst
YellowShark Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 So I am the OM to woman who lives with her BF of I guess now about 7 years. When we first met should say they were drifting apart and would be done soon. Wee fast forward two years and not much has changed, just that she stated she is no going anywhere. Let's say you had a car that had a bad transmission and you kept taking it to different mechanics to be repaired. After two years of this all the mechanics said they can't fix it and you have to live with a busted transmission. Would you then keep the unusable car and live with it sitting in your driveway?
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 I know what you are saying but love is not logical, is easy to say just walk away but harder then said. I am actually quite a bit of a mess right now, we have "broken up" many times but still seem to end up right back where we were.
YellowShark Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I know what you are saying but love is not logical, is easy to say just walk away but harder then said. I am actually quite a bit of a mess right now, we have "broken up" many times but still seem to end up right back where we were. I hear what you are saying. And it's very painful to walk away from a person you "love." But how can you really "love" a person who is stringing you along and never going to leave her live-in boyfriend? That for me is not love but emotional torture. Wouldn't you rather have a girl you can proudly walk down the street with arm-in-arm and openly show affection? Wouldn't you rather have a girl who you are not sharing sexually with her boyfriend? (...and if you think they are not having sex you are just lying to yourself.) So my advice - (as painful is it is for you) - is to set her free and go find yourself a nice honest SINGLE woman who you can woo and be with 100%.
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Just trying to figure out how I got here, Yes I got they are not having sex line but I just tried not to think about it.
lilbunny Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I know what you are saying but love is not logical, is easy to say just walk away but harder then said. I am actually quite a bit of a mess right now, we have "broken up" many times but still seem to end up right back where we were. I understand completely. I have been there. You have to be strong if you want a relationship in the long term. If you broke it off and told her to come back when she had left her bf and was single and available and stuck to it, what do you think would be the outcome? If she comes back single you have got what you hoped for. If she stays with her bf you know she has no intentions of leaving. At least you will know either way.
YellowShark Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Just trying to figure out how I got here, Yes I got they are not having sex line but I just tried not to think about it. They ARE having sex. And you are sharing her with her boyfriend. That's really gross IMHO. The line that "they are not having sex" is as old as the dinosaurs.
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 well to me honest I have no idea what the outcome would be, I just know that way back when she was the one that said she was leaving, then she just gave up. I should have walked away then, it would not have been as hard as it is now. Yes yellow I guess we are sharing and I never really believed that line again I just tried not to think about it.
Author ragegnst Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 we are chatting again, very lightly and she is open to seeing me again, we are just taking "baby steps", I know walking away now would be best just cannot bring myself to do it,
Fallen Angel Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 You have been in a relationship with this woman for two years and do not know who her boyfriend is? I would have to say that in my opinion, you do not really know who she is. You know only the small part of her that she has chosen to share with you. And obviously she has no problem keeping you separate from the rest of her life. It is said here often that MM are good at compartmentalizing, but it appears your CW (commited-woman, since she is not married MW didn't seem to fit) is high in the ranks of "great compartmentalizers"! You have to either decide if you are okay knowing only a very small part of who she is and being her man on the side, or if you want more. You have the right to demand that your needs be met, and if they are not you have the right to walk away. I know that is easier said than done, but those appear to be your only options, as not only has she out-and-out told you that she is not leaving her boyfriend for you, she has worked hard at keeping you very much separate from her "real life". I would suggest you really think hard on how little you really know this woman. Perhaps when you sit down and see your relationship for what it is, walking away will be easier. Good luck to you friend. ((hugs)) P.S. Welcome to the boards. It is nice to meet you, but I wish for you that it had been under happier circumstances.
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I know his name and that is about it, The life of hers that I know is her sister and her cousin, I know her friends names and what they are about but have never met them. I know where she lives but never been there never been close. I know her job(s) but am likely to not stop in. I was in some sense ok with how things were but all my needs probably were not being met. She always used to say "we'll see what happens!" and that was the fuel i was running on.
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 thanks for welcoming me wish it was under better circumstances as well
Woggle Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 She is playing you like a guitar. Just remove from your life and move on. She likes the security of her BF but wants to play around with you. Do you want to waste anymore time on this?
lilbunny Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I know his name and that is about it, The life of hers that I know is her sister and her cousin, I know her friends names and what they are about but have never met them. I know where she lives but never been there never been close. I know her job(s) but am likely to not stop in. I was in some sense ok with how things were but all my needs probably were not being met. She always used to say "we'll see what happens!" and that was the fuel i was running on. I have heard 'I don't know how this is going to turn out' quite a lot. I am pretty convinced that was an honest answer, so I came to the conclusion that since I was sure about what I wanted to happen next and he wasn't, a bit of space wouldn't do any harm. Remember she also said she wasn't going anywhere. I hated being the OW, I knew I couldn't keep it up for long without seriously compromising my sanity. How do you genuinely feel about taking on the role of OM again? That is what you would be going back to and only you know how you feel about that.
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 losing someone special in your life sucks, there was awhile way back when I was just in it for sex, then I was in it so she would get caught, now I just am not sure. I guess I figured if stayed in there long enough something would happen. I know it sounds lame but when we are together it is pretty amazing.
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 being the OM was a drag at times but other times not so bad, I guess the worst part was her actually getting jealous, and treating things on our side like we were committed.
Owl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 So now that you know she's not going to end her relationship with her BF, and that your relationship with her will be "second place" to that...what do you intend to do? Accept that and continue on as things have been? Insist on more? End the relationship? What do YOUR values/morals/feelings tell you about what you should do here?
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I am just trying to heal right now I really do not know what I am going to do. I hate the feeling that occurs at the end of relationships and some way I just wish everything was status quo.
Author ragegnst Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 and I should mention several weeks ago I tried to force here hand and things got pretty ugly, which leaves me where I am at today
Woggle Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Just walk away and salvage yourself. This woman is no good and she will continue to do this to you. She only got jealous because women like her are territorial. It has nothing to do with love or any feelings for you. She just hates losing control. Go out and do some manly things so you can help get control back of your spine again.
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