InAgaony Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 I have been married for 9 years and with my husband for 12, we have 2 small children that we both love dearly. For most of our relationship, my husband has mistreated me badly and for many, many years I have tried to make things good between us but little by little I fell out of love with him until I know longer know how I feel. In June I decided to leave him, and started building up the courage to do so. Shortly after that, I met someone else who I am deeply attracted to and started talking to them online. Our conversations were not intimate, but eventually he told me that he was interested in me. Even though I also had feelings for him, I told him that I could not talk to him while things were still unresolved with my husband. I left my husband shortly after that, and he was devastated. He started going to counselling and has done his best to change so that we can have a good marriage. Despite this, I no longer feel like I love him, and I didn't want to be with him. Several weeks went by, and I felt terribly confused because I hate to see my husband in pain, and I don't want to hurt my children, but I also didn't want to be in my marriage anymore if it meant being married to someone I don't love. I started talking to the other man again and he was still interested in me, but I was also talking to my husband and just didn't know what I wanted. I told my husband about my feelings for the other man, and he threatened to keep my children from me, and indicated that if I was not with him he would "hurt somebody". So, I decided to reconcile with him. I don't know if I did this because of fear, or because I believe we can fix our marriage. My husband sent the other man a message and asked him to stay away from me, and the other man agreed to do so. The problem is, I am very, very unhappy. I don't think I love my husband, and I can't stop thinking about the other man. I don't know what to do.
Zoinkers Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Unfortunately it sounds like you are in a very toxic relationship. Ignoring the 'other man' for a second, do you really think the man you are seeing has your best interests in mind? It sounds like he is very controling and manipulative. I realize there are children involved, and not having any of my own it is hard to see the mental rational for some of the choices people make. However, can you say that staying with someone that treats you the way he does is going to set a good example for your children? Remember, the way you interact with your significant others will make very powerful impression on young children and could very well affect the way they carry on their relationships in the future. Just me thoughts.
2sure Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 You left. Your husband did not start threatening to hurt people until he found out about the other man. Leave your husband without a relationship with the other man. He doesnt need it and neither do you. If your husband continues counseling after you leave , stay separated until he proves to you that he is no longer abusive and able to handle his anger in a non threatening way. If that doesnt happen - do not go back. Ever. Leaving while you have a relationship with someone else will only play on your guilt feelings as someone who has been the victim of an abusive spouse.
Author InAgaony Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Well, I did my best to reconcile with my husband, but when he didn't get the answers he wanted (because I told him honestly that I didn't know if I could still love him), he kidnapped our 2 children. Tonight the police have temporarily stopped them about an hour from our home, but there is a good chance I will lose my children.
SidLyon Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Well, I did my best to reconcile with my husband, but when he didn't get the answers he wanted (because I told him honestly that I didn't know if I could still love him), he kidnapped our 2 children. Tonight the police have temporarily stopped them about an hour from our home, but there is a good chance I will lose my children. Oh no this is terrible. I'm in a different country to you and it's late Friday afternoon here but I'm guessing it's Thursday evening there. You must seek legal advice first thing tomorrow - someone who specializes in family law - if he has taken the children I cannot see how you can lose them - surely the police will return them to you very soon?
thinkfast444 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Well, I did my best to reconcile with my husband, but when he didn't get the answers he wanted (because I told him honestly that I didn't know if I could still love him), he kidnapped our 2 children. Tonight the police have temporarily stopped them about an hour from our home, but there is a good chance I will lose my children. If he took the children and you had to call the police to get them back why would he have any standing to have primary custody? You're first impulse to get rid of him seems right to me. You don't love him anymore and that doesn't sound like it will change. Why would you want to be married to him, especially now? I agree with the other posts to stay away from the OM for a while until your life settles down. If the OM loves you he will understand and wait.
TinaniT Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Hi. I was in an abusive marriage. My husband made multiple threats to take our son if I did not to do everything as he wanted. I went to a lawyer. The lawyer said nay. That would not happen unless I was an extremely unfit mother. Infidelity (which you didn't even have here) even has nothing to do with it. Parenting does. And him trying to kidnap the children could lose him any custody, even visitation, period. Acting against their welfare. Stay strong. It is really, really, really, really hard. But you can do it. And listen to a lawyer. Not to him. He will just try to manipulate you. Its what pricks who abuse women are good at.
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