LL23 Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Ok, I met my boyfriend out of state while traveling and we hit it off great. We have been together for almost 2 years and it was long distance for the last year and a half. We were beginning to bicker a lot and I decided to make a move and I quit my job at the hospital and left my place to move across the country to be with him. Now that I am here I have encountered every issue under the sun and need some advice. I have never lived with a man before and my bf is 11 years older..he has been married and divorced 6 years ago and has two daughters. He is a very established man, lives is a nice house, has a great job, he is gone 3 days at a time for travel with his job, but he is very personable and sweet and does everyuthing for me...BUT I have always had an insecurity problem and control issue and I cant understand where it has come from and it is eating me up inside. We have argued over petty things like if he thinks another woman is attractive. I have found boxes from his oast of exes and his family life before me and the list goes on. Ofcourse I got jealous of everything and we have just been fighting. I am not employed yet so I spend most of my time waiting for him to get home from work, I have no friends down here or family, completely lonely. He has two daughters and I have been having issues with that because the ex is being spiteful...the girls are both preteens and jealous of me being with their dad all the time. They make comments about him to get under my skin. The older one knows I get jealous easy and has made comments about celebrities and other things to upset me. She has said very nasty things to me and talks back all the time. Everything I do is being scrutinized and even his mom calls me and stops by and checks on me. I am so frustrated with the situation and I cant seem to win and I am trying to deal with my own jealousy issues..let alone the issues arising from his kids and the fact that my bf when he gets upset he gets silent and wont communicatre with me. I can cry in front of him and he wont say anything..he shuts down and is cold hearted when hes mad. So my question is how do I deal with everything I am very overwhelmed!!!!!
FryFish Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Has there been any attempt at "integrating" you into his family? I mean do you, him and his daughters spend "family" time together? You need to prove to his daughters that you are good for him.
Author LL23 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 yes, we have done a lot of little family trips and gone places together
finding_serenity Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 been there and still struggling.lucky you and your H don't have kids.if you can't carry the baggages, put em down and move on.
Art_Critic Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Does he want to marry you ? The reason I ask is that you gave up so much and got very little in the sense of commitment from him. I feel like the problems with the daughters is partly fueled by the fact you are not his wife and as such are not the children's step parent.. which is what it would take to wake the kids up some.. Something to remember also is that the kids will always look at you as a mom replacement.. even if they tell you no they still think you are trying to be their mom and fill her shoes. I think you need to talk with your BF and work out some of your future with him.. Nail it down some.. He obviously cares enough about you to be in his children's lives and in his but it sounds like he needs to put both feet in the relationship for your sake
Author LL23 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 He said he wanted to get married and wanted more kids, but lately because of all the bickering and tension he has actually told me we will never be married. Then when he is in a better mood he says he just doesnt want to fight. I feel like I gave up so much for him and I am being tossed back and forth. The divorce hit him hard, he felt like a failure as a father and husband, and now the second time around it almost has to seem perfect for him to want to get married....I am almost wondering if somehow I am in a no win situation. I love him and care for him very much, but not totally reassured he will in the long run take the plunge of marriage...I am just very confused...
finding_serenity Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 girl if you are single,u might as well find some single guy too.its not easy to be a stepmom.u won't get credits for good things you do and even slight mistake will make you an "evil stepmom". I made sure my H kids know that I am not replacing their mom and I'm not interested to do it,now they are so jealous cause I pamper my baby with love and attention unlike their mom who yells and nags at them.but the thing is I don't care that much for my H no more.
Author LL23 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 yeah...its a tough decision...I am putting a lot of thought into it..Hes got a lot of great qualities so it is hard to throw it away. His kids live primarily with there mom and he gets them one or two days every other week...do your H kids live with you guys full time? Do they act up with you??? Ofcourse his kids are both hitting the teenage phase which is the worst. Its really hard for me to decide if I should give up on this or keep trying. I wish it was a simple answer. How does your H handle his kids when they act up with you???
Jilly Bean Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 LL - you said you were fighting before you gave up your life to move in with him, and now you are fighting even more! Honestly, I don't think you guys are very well suited for each other. Hes got a LOT of baggage, horrible resolution skills, you are obsessively jealous and needy. So, now you live somewhere with no friends, no job, no family support. Did you guys not think out what was going to happen when you moved for him? Personally, without benefit of a ring, I wouldn't have be so impulsive. You both have a LOT of work to do to make this relationship work. Do you think you're both up for a lot of intensive counseling, personal and couples, to resolve things?
Author LL23 Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 Jilly Bean- I agree fighting is not a good outlook, I am also willing to put in a couple more months to see if there is any solutions. There are many issues going on at once, I am currently counseling for the jealousy and there are also positives to the relationship. I guess only time will tell
thrownaway Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 LL23, I was in a similar situation.... dump him, you are seeing the beginning of a bad cycle. What really struck me is this: "the fact that my bf when he gets upset he gets silent and wont communicatre with me. I can cry in front of him and he wont say anything..he shuts down and is cold hearted when hes mad." READ: gets upset gets silent wont communicatre I can cry and he wont say anything shuts down is cold hearted when hes mad Just think how supportive he'll be in another 6 months of your 'whining'... that's what they call it anyway. Dump him!!!.... "next"....
Author LL23 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 (edited) Things have turned for the better. We had a long talk and have resolved a lot of the issues with the children, and how we are interacting with eachother. Since then everything has been going 100 percent better. I manage to not get jealous over petty things and he is actually more affectionate. I am going to Cali in a couple months to visit some friends and he is going to take the trip with me.... Edited August 30, 2010 by LL23
finding_serenity Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 yeah...its a tough decision...I am putting a lot of thought into it..Hes got a lot of great qualities so it is hard to throw it away. His kids live primarily with there mom and he gets them one or two days every other week...do your H kids live with you guys full time? Do they act up with you??? Ofcourse his kids are both hitting the teenage phase which is the worst. Its really hard for me to decide if I should give up on this or keep trying. I wish it was a simple answer. How does your H handle his kids when they act up with you??? nope,live with their mom.thank God, they can be rude and nasty and I tell em straight,u are rude and they shut up or I say don't be rude to me because I am not rude to you.i hate my H for trying to control and dominate over me infront of his kids,before I keep quiet,now I answer back.hes teaching his kids to disrespect me,hell no I won't put up with that.im just waiting to get my license and good job,im out of here.
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