malkyr Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Hi, I became a member today. A friend who is on this site told me that I should make a post here and say whatever I am feeling so I decided to go with it. Lets see .... I am 32 years old. Originally from India. Been living in Australia since I was 12. I have had only one relationship in my life. Lasted around 6-7 years and basically I got screwed. Wasn't all her fault ... I made mistakes too. Got depressed as hell. Did not know how to get out of it ... still don't. Did not want to meet another woman or think I would find love again ... not sure I wanted to find it ... it hurt too much. I have 2 friends. One is a RL friend who lives near me and has helped me a LOT. I try and listen to him when I can but sometimes I'm an idiot and I don't cause I don't care. I have another online friend. She is young compared to me. But lately I have started getting feelings for her. I don't want to say anything to her for several reasons: I am afraid of ruining our friendship (its very important to me), She has not given any indication she feels the same way, she is focused on uni at the moment and I don't want to get in the way, I am in no position to be a positive effect in her life. What she has given me is motivation. Last week my RL friend also gave me a punch in the face (so to speak) and said some things which while they hurt a lot were all true. This combination has made me want to fix my life for the nth time. I am basically at rock bottom and can only go up. So I have started doing things to better myself, eating better, exercising, going out of the house, focusing on finding work, Seeing a psychologist. But every night I go to bed afraid and have panic attacks. I am getting through them as well as I can. I don't want to give up and am afraid of failing. Currently I am not financially secure. I want to be now. I am getting feelings that I did not think I would ever have after my breakup. And I am liking them. But if an opportunity comes knocking I am currently in no position to take advantage of it. So I am trying to change that. I am also trying to learn how to make my life be about me. I have always lived for someone else in the past. I don't think that is good. So I'm trying to find a better meaning in my life and to feel better about myself. Anyway I think I am rambling now So I will stop. I am not sure what to expect by writing this ... personally am not expecting anything. But it sort of felt good to write it out.
Recommended Posts