dating a divorced man who is 'emotionally numb'

[baconlover]

I've been dating my BF for a year. He is divorced (which was finalized 3.5 yrs ago) but told me early on that he had no regrets about it and was looking to move on.

 

The relationship has gone slower than I am used to or want, but i've been patient because I've grown to really care for him. We are a great match in terms of life goals, values, personalities, hobbies - everything! I've noticed that he is very private and cautious about what he says, in part because he is a lawyer, and I was assuming also because of the divorce.

 

Never the less, its been a year like I said, and we still hadn't talked about us or said the L word or whatnot. So, I brought it up last night and we actually had a good converation about it, but the converation really didn't resolve anything.

 

In the converation he said that the divorce, which he previously said wasn't a big deal, actually hurt him deeply and that he feels emotionally numb. He said that he wants to work on it but doesn't know how. He said that he will work on it because he knows that its important to me. He also said he believes there is long term potential for us. But, when I asked him exactly how does he feel about us right now, all he said is 'I have fun with you and enjoy being around you' which in my mind is something you say to someone on date 3. Not 12-months later. He explained to me how hurt he is inside, how scared of emotions he is and how going through the divorce made him doubt the concept of love. At the same time, he tells me often how he wants to get married again and have kids....

 

I told him that i will help him 'open up' emotionally if he wants me to help & that everything else that he does is just wonderful, which is true. The challenge I have is that nothing is guaranteed... what if he isn't able to open up? How long do I give him to try? I'll wait a while more - but I'm approaching 30 and can't wait forever. I need a relationship that has open communication and deep affection.

 

Anyways, I guess this post is a bit of a venting technique for me, and also to see if anyone else out there has had similar experiences. I'd like to hear about them. What did you do? What do you advise? I'm scared of giving it more time, then just being hurt even more when he can't give me what I need emotionally.

 

Thanks for your thoughts...

[habs53]

I've been dating my BF for a year. He is divorced (which was finalized 3.5 yrs ago) but told me early on that he had no regrets about it and was looking to move on.

 

The relationship has gone slower than I am used to or want, but i've been patient because I've grown to really care for him. We are a great match in terms of life goals, values, personalities, hobbies - everything! I've noticed that he is very private and cautious about what he says, in part because he is a lawyer, and I was assuming also because of the divorce.

 

Never the less, its been a year like I said, and we still hadn't talked about us or said the L word or whatnot. So, I brought it up last night and we actually had a good converation about it, but the converation really didn't resolve anything.

 

In the converation he said that the divorce, which he previously said wasn't a big deal, actually hurt him deeply and that he feels emotionally numb. He said that he wants to work on it but doesn't know how. He said that he will work on it because he knows that its important to me. He also said he believes there is long term potential for us. But, when I asked him exactly how does he feel about us right now, all he said is 'I have fun with you and enjoy being around you' which in my mind is something you say to someone on date 3. Not 12-months later. He explained to me how hurt he is inside, how scared of emotions he is and how going through the divorce made him doubt the concept of love. At the same time, he tells me often how he wants to get married again and have kids....

 

I told him that i will help him 'open up' emotionally if he wants me to help & that everything else that he does is just wonderful, which is true. The challenge I have is that nothing is guaranteed... what if he isn't able to open up? How long do I give him to try? I'll wait a while more - but I'm approaching 30 and can't wait forever. I need a relationship that has open communication and deep affection.

 

Anyways, I guess this post is a bit of a venting technique for me, and also to see if anyone else out there has had similar experiences. I'd like to hear about them. What did you do? What do you advise? I'm scared of giving it more time, then just being hurt even more when he can't give me what I need emotionally.

 

Thanks for your thoughts...

I can understand how he feels. He probably does like you but you may simply be filling a void in his life. Hope things work out.

[baconlover]

I can understand how he feels. He probably does like you but you may simply be filling a void in his life. Hope things work out.

 

Thanks for the empathy. I'd appreciate any thoughts you may have on what signs I might be able to look for that would suggest I am simiply filling a void in his life (his 'transition' girl) vs. wanting something more.

[catersi]

I was a guy who was in a relationship like that and i was the "numb" one, i remember ebing in that relationship for almost 1 and a half years and when she tried bringing up the convo about this subject, i would tell her the same thing he told you, and in reality i didnt even care about her at all, i was just filling in hole for the time being because i was tired of being alone. I was at the point that i just bailed out one day when things were getting too serious, i realized that its not really what i wanted because i hadent really worked out things in my head just yet and cared too much for her to be with her and not offer her the love back that she gave me. As a matter of fact i remembered agreeing to her that i was gonna try to work things out in my head so we could have a healthier relationship but i was lying to my teeth just to keep her around. It would suck if this was your case as well but i hope otherwise for you. One thing that you might want to do is to just give him time and space if you really want things to work out.

[baconlover]

I was a guy who was in a relationship like that and i was the "numb" one, i remember ebing in that relationship for almost 1 and a half years and when she tried bringing up the convo about this subject, i would tell her the same thing he told you, and in reality i didnt even care about her at all, i was just filling in hole for the time being because i was tired of being alone. I was at the point that i just bailed out one day when things were getting too serious, i realized that its not really what i wanted because i hadent really worked out things in my head just yet and cared too much for her to be with her and not offer her the love back that she gave me. As a matter of fact i remembered agreeing to her that i was gonna try to work things out in my head so we could have a healthier relationship but i was lying to my teeth just to keep her around. It would suck if this was your case as well but i hope otherwise for you. One thing that you might want to do is to just give him time and space if you really want things to work out.

 

Thanks for the honesty. Did you ever get over your numbness? what actually did it for you if you did?

 

When you say give him time/space, do you mean break up with him? Or do you mean just keep dating him without pushing it or bringing it up again?

 

thanks a millions, seriously.

[Eeyore79]

I've been in relationships where I didn't love the other person and I thought I was just numb because of being hurt before. After those relationships ended and I dated someone else, I realised that I wasn't numb after all; I just wasn't really into the guys I'd been dating (despite the fact that each relationship lasted for a couple of years). I guess I was dating them because I was vulnerable and they were "safe" - I didn't want to be alone but I didn't have the nerve to be seriously involved with someone I had feelings for, so those guys were a safe option for keeping me company without making me too vulnerable.

 

I eventually bailed out when they started getting too serious and pushing me to resolve my issues with intimacy. With me, the signs that I wasn't really into those guys were probably lack of sex and physical affection, and a general emotional distance, not talking about the future etc.

 

If you'd been dating for a few months I'd be inclined to tell you to give it more time, but you've been dating for a year and he still can't even say he loves you. To me it sounds like you're wasting your time. I think you need to talk things through with him, and make sure you get some resolution this time. Tell him you're concerned about the lack of emotional involvement given how long you've been dating, and you need to know how he feels about you. If he still says something unsatisfactory like "I have fun with you", you need to bite the bullet and tell him that simply isn't enough, and if he doesn't feel more than that for you then perhaps you should consider ending the relationship.

[catersi]

I got over my numbness barely about 3 months back to tell you the truth and i actually "bailed" on her in other word i stopped talking and seeing her cold turkey about 4 months back, and i realized that 1. i needed to work it out on my own and it didnt help when people pushed the subject on me, it was somehow prolonging it. 2. Breaking up with her cold turkey helped a lot!!!! i mean it, because now that i think about i dont think i would of been able to work on it because i was in what i call a "comfort zone" when being with her which kept me in my state of mentality of numbness and which also paused my progress of course when i said progress i mean nothing. I cant promise you hell come back to you if you break up with him and im not saying break up with him but in my opinion it is the best thing you can do, just cut him out cold turkey and youll either see a behavior change and the willingness to change or a loss.

[Iconoclast]

Did his ex wife betray him?

[baconlover]

Did his ex wife betray him?

 

not that i know of. they just 'grew apart' as he tells it.

[Angel1111]

Right off the bat, I can see where you're making two classic mistakes that almost all women make. First of all, you are being 'patient because you've grown to really care for him'. This is behavior that says, 'I'm going against my own principles here because I am personally attached'. Really what's happening is that because of how YOU feel, you're ignoring how HE feels - which isn't much, and you're excusing it. The relationship isn't really going anywhere, either, but you also tolerate this.

 

The second huge mistake you're making is thinking you can 'be there' for a guy and help him fix his problems. It is much better to look at a situation realistically and ask yourself if, based on how things are, are you willing to live with that? Yes or no, you have your answer. In the case of men, the absolute worst thing a woman can do is hang around in the face of dead or non-existent feelings. Men understand only one thing - action. By sticking around, your actions are telling him that you have no real self-respect and that your standards in relationships are very low. Sticking around only does one thing - it numbs his feelings even more.

[Eeyore79]

It sounds like you don't want to rock the boat because you're afraid of what he'll say if you demand to know whether he has any feelings for you or not. You prefer to live with not knowing because you're scared that the real answer is "no". You aren't achieving anything by sticking your head in the sand; you need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you can't stick around if he doesn't have any real feelings for you.

[baconlover]

It sounds like you don't want to rock the boat because you're afraid of what he'll say if you demand to know whether he has any feelings for you or not. You prefer to live with not knowing because you're scared that the real answer is "no". You aren't achieving anything by sticking your head in the sand; you need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you can't stick around if he doesn't have any real feelings for you.

 

 

Adding more info:

He is very good at showing his affections through actions, touch, spending time with me, prioritizing us etc. He just can't say 'it'.

 

We've done all the classic things like meet eachothers parents, go on trips together, hang out with eachothers friends etc. That being said, I made it clear to him that if he can't open up emotionally that our relationship won't work out.

[baconlover]

Right off the bat, I can see where you're making two classic mistakes that almost all women make. First of all, you are being 'patient because you've grown to really care for him'. This is behavior that says, 'I'm going against my own principles here because I am personally attached'. Really what's happening is that because of how YOU feel, you're ignoring how HE feels - which isn't much, and you're excusing it. The relationship isn't really going anywhere, either, but you also tolerate this.

 

The second huge mistake you're making is thinking you can 'be there' for a guy and help him fix his problems. It is much better to look at a situation realistically and ask yourself if, based on how things are, are you willing to live with that? Yes or no, you have your answer. In the case of men, the absolute worst thing a woman can do is hang around in the face of dead or non-existent feelings. Men understand only one thing - action. By sticking around, your actions are telling him that you have no real self-respect and that your standards in relationships are very low. Sticking around only does one thing - it numbs his feelings even more.

 

I halfway agree with you. Have you ever heard the term "what doesn't bend, breaks?" Its not possible to have a relationship without some give and take (i.e. tolerance). Its been fine up to this point, but I'm at my limit, which is why i spurred on this converation last night.

 

He is hurt emotionally. I suppose it might force him to deal with his issues if I leave him (b/c there are no more distractions) but, could it not also hurt him more as well? A turtle sucking its head back into its hole? What if he just needs to be coaxed out? And, to be clear its not 'dead' or 'non-existent' feelings. He does care for me - just maybe not enough.

Edited August 23, 2010 by baconlover
adding

[You Go Girl]

This is going to hurt.

I'm very sorry, but, he doesn't love you as much as he loved his wife. This he knows, and wants to marry again, and say those three little words, when a new woman arouses feelings in him that are at least as passionate as it was with her.

Break up with him. He can't get past the "you're fun" stage. If there's anything else in his heart for you, breaking up with him is going to release it, make him want to keep you, and try to get you back. That's on the assumption that he is procrastinating being committed again, and needs to be jolted into waking up.

3 1/2 years is a long time though. Sorry, don't bet on him.

[Woggle]

If she was a walkaway wife then I understand it. Not saying you should stick around it for it but I really think women have a hard time understanding what being blindsided like that does to a man.

[Angel1111]

I halfway agree with you. Have you ever heard the term "what doesn't bend, breaks?" Its not possible to have a relationship without some give and take (i.e. tolerance). Its been fine up to this point, but I'm at my limit, which is why i spurred on this converation last night.

 

He is hurt emotionally. I suppose it might force him to deal with his issues if I leave him (b/c there are no more distractions) but, could it not also hurt him more as well? A turtle sucking its head back into its hole? What if he just needs to be coaxed out? And, to be clear its not 'dead' or 'non-existent' feelings. He does care for me - just maybe not enough.

 

It's just more second-guessing as to what he's thinking or not thinking; what he's feeling or not feeling. Of course there's tolerance and compromise in all relationships but women in particular do not seem to know the end-point; they don't seem to know when it's time to walk.

 

Just understand that if he and his wife 'grew apart' there was probably a reason for that. He has most likely always been somewhat withholding in his relationships and a lot of relationships will fall apart in the face of that. Don't kid yourself into thinking that he suddenly became a different person after his divorce. He's probably exactly the same person, and he may be repeating the exact behavior - and then whining about how HE can't trust in love.

[carhill]

OK, rant deleted. I feel much better now

 

If he's stuck, he can do something any person with intellect and money can do. Get professional psychological help. Suggest that to him. Set an internal timeline for hearing a sincere and open 'I love you'. Stick to it. Good luck

[baconlover]

OK, rant deleted. I feel much better now

 

If he's stuck, he can do something any person with intellect and money can do. Get professional psychological help. Suggest that to him. Set an internal timeline for hearing a sincere and open 'I love you'. Stick to it. Good luck

 

what rant? now i'm curious...

[LosingitAll]

I don't know if this will help u or not. I can tell u really care about him a lot & love him or u wouldn't be on here looking for advice. What I do know is that a relationship with someone that emotionally numb can quickly become a one way street. You can't help someone they have to help themselves, that doesn't mean u can give them support.

 

You don't want to end up like myself I put everything I had into the love of my life for her to walk out on me leaving me emotionally wrecked after a 3 year marriage.

 

I don't wish this pain on anyone. I'm not saying that this will happen to u. I just want u to be cautious it is a very painful road.

 

Its very possible that his ex betrayed him in some way. If this is so it will be hard for him to trust again & open up. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about u though. I would advice that u guys work on this together maybe with some group counseling if he is willing to let u work on it with him. That may require him to open up to u more. He may prefer to work on it by himself.

 

Regardless of what make work best for u guys. I would start working on those issues first before u get to far in.

[habs53]

Thanks for the empathy. I'd appreciate any thoughts you may have on what signs I might be able to look for that would suggest I am simiply filling a void in his life (his 'transition' girl) vs. wanting something more.

Well, i am truly sorry this is happening to you. I am kinda in his shoes at this time. I can like someone but not sure if i can love. Although in the same breath dont wanna lose them as well. Very confusing stuff.

 

Is he very quiet at times? Maybe looks or acts depressed? See for me it wasnt losing my wife that really is hurting me. Its my family in general being broken. Not being able to save my family. Not wanting my wife back and feeling a bit guilty for it. There is so many emotions its scary.

Im sure he likes you, possibly loves you in a way. He may not even be able to describe to you the way he feels. But i will tell you one thing, if he didnt like you he would be gone.

[Angel1111]

I would advice that u guys work on this together maybe with some group counseling if he is willing to let u work on it with him. That may require him to open up to u more. He may prefer to work on it by himself.

 

Here's my problem with that. I feel that if you're going to counseling as a couple BEFORE marriage, you're going to ultimately end up in divorce court. Love and relationships should not be such a struggle. It should come easy. Not to say that you won't have a few problems or disagreements but, when something is really right, you won't be in a therapist's office, and you won't be online getting advice and trying to figure it out.

 

This is precisely why divorces happen - because people refuse to see the red flags before going into the marriage. This guy is not in a place where he can fully commit - emotionally or legally. So either accept it for what it is and stop trying to make it more, or walk away from it and find someone who's capable of giving you what you need. It's your choice.

Edited August 23, 2010 by Angel1111

[norajane]

I've read through this thread, and so far, it's been all about him. What about you?

 

Never the less, its been a year like I said, and we still hadn't talked about us or said the L word or whatnot.

 

This, to me, is the most telling thing you said. Why didn't YOU say you love him in all that time? Why do you call it the L word instead of love? Why did it take you a year to consider having a discussion with him about the nature of your relationship?

 

And when you did talk to him, was it all about you asking him about his thoughts and feelings? Did he ask about yours? Did you tell him you love him? Do you actually love him?

 

You two may be compatible and all, but maybe you aren't as crazy about him, either. Maybe you have some hesitancy about real love, intimacy and commitment, so dating a non-committal guy makes you feel like you're taking steps toward love, intimacy and commitment, but, really, you are keeping yourself "safe" because he isn't demanding those things from you, and may never want and expect those things from you.

 

In my experience, otherwise mature people who call it the L word have issues related to love, intimacy and commitment. So unless he is the one who used that phrase and you are just using his words here, you might want to give some thought to what you really feel (or fear) about relationships in general, and specifically about him.

[freestyle]

Baconlover.........

 

Beware of "fixer-uppers' in relationships.

 

There are so many cases of the woman being too tolerant and patient with a man in a transitional stage---you can put in all the work to help him get better, then when they do, they suddenly want to express their freedom with their newfound self........leaving you behind, and some other woman down the road will reap the benefits of your investment. It's not your job to be his therapist.It will create a lopsided dynamic.

[carhill]

what rant? now i'm curious...

The rant was about women incessantly chasing emotionally unavailable men and tossing aside the available ones because they're not a challenge. It's irrelevant to the thread and hence I deleted it.

 

It's not your job to be his therapist.It will create a lopsided dynamic.

 

BTDT with many broken women. This is good advice.

[Cee]

Right off the bat, I can see where you're making two classic mistakes that almost all women make. First of all, you are being 'patient because you've grown to really care for him'. This is behavior that says, 'I'm going against my own principles here because I am personally attached'. Really what's happening is that because of how YOU feel, you're ignoring how HE feels - which isn't much, and you're excusing it. The relationship isn't really going anywhere, either, but you also tolerate this.

 

The second huge mistake you're making is thinking you can 'be there' for a guy and help him fix his problems. It is much better to look at a situation realistically and ask yourself if, based on how things are, are you willing to live with that? Yes or no, you have your answer. In the case of men, the absolute worst thing a woman can do is hang around in the face of dead or non-existent feelings. Men understand only one thing - action. By sticking around, your actions are telling him that you have no real self-respect and that your standards in relationships are very low. Sticking around only does one thing - it numbs his feelings even more.

 

^ This says it better than I could have. I totally agree.

 

The only thing I would add is that the man has probably been emotionally numb for many years, including during his marriage. And it doesn't look like he's taking steps to address it. I feel bad for the man, but you being there to witness his quiet implosion isn't helpful for him or for you.