Broke up with coworker two weeks ago. Can we still be friends? How to maintain NC???

[dextm]

We started off as friends when she joined the company just over a year ago. We were really compatible, we got to know each other well, and during our company Christmas party we really hit it off. She told me I was her best friend (I don't deal with that kind of BFF ****) and told me things that she couldn't tell her other best friend of 5 years - but I couldn't do the same.

 

Just after Christmas we started dating and it was official. And I opened up and confided in her. We loved each other. Don't want to get into too many details in the past, but from Jan-Aug, I thought we had a pretty good run, though rocky, and despite 2-3 breakups within that time period (over some very small ****), we improved ourselves and the relationship got better and better (that's the whole point of coming back together no?).

 

Just two weeks ago, after beating her in a friendly match of tennis, she got pissed off that I won (she's the type of person that gets angry when I beat her in anything - I'm the type of person that plays to win). I was a bit amused, so perhaps I said something I shouldn't have, anyhow she totally misunderstood and took it the wrong way - thinking I'm an egotistical, sexist, women-hater - and stormed off the court, to her home.

 

I immediately text her the same evening, slightly apologizing and clarifying what I had said earlier, and she tells me she wants a one week break. I raised her and asked: "Why don't we just break up then?" After messaging each other back and forth, we decided to just end it mutually, over text. ****ty way to end a committed relationship but I got what I asked for.

 

The day after was the dreaded Monday, first day of the work week...I tried to avoid her at all costs, no lunch together, no hi/bye, no contact together. But my job requires me to walk around the whole office so it's impossible to do 100% NC (after the breakup, me and her also agreed to not make it seem weird and obvious because we didn't need additional added drama from other office co-workers whom are more than 80% women - sorry to be stereotypical but it's true LOL). In a nutshell, it was too hard for both of us to maintain NC, and on the following Tuesday, we ended up back together (not together-together), doing couple things, having meals, sharing food, touching, kissing, holding hands, even after we both promised ourselves to NEVER get back together. I felt uncomfortable doing all of the above but we did it anyways because we were used to it.

 

Then she proposed the unthinkable (actually that's all I could think of post-breakup). The Last Supper *hint hint* if you know what I mean. I didn't want to, because it'll feel like **** when it's all over, but I accepted it anyways - I mean, why not end it with a BANG, a somewhat "happy" ending? The day came, and we were so excited and hyped, but something unfortunate and embarrassing happened and we were interrupted (don't ask lol). A great start with no middle and no finish.

 

I wanted to resume "it" another day, she didn't really want to, I was slightly irked at her reason, so I decided to do NC once and for all. The other day she couldn't take the NC anymore and stormed my desk after work, telling me the same classic BS I've been reading on the forums. "I miss you", "I still love you", "I will always love you", "We can still be good friends", "We were friends before dating" blah blah blah, and she still wants to hang out with me and my friends, learn/watch me play competitive sports, borrow my DVD/TV collection, etc. You could say I have anger management issues - I was pissed at her, pissed at myself (still am), so I told her: "You are too needy", told her off, and even threw her baked goods in her face (not literally, just returned it to her with a BS excuse).

 

So we have had NC since this incident at work, but just yesterday I felt so down (rainy weekend, nothing to do) that I texted her a simple "How are you doing? I'm checking out restaurant x tonight to see if it's worth the hype." She said "I'm good, going to relative's BBQ, I'm extremely surprised to hear from you". I did not text her back. Had nothing to say really. Just wanted to hear from her, make sure she's still alive, and that's that.

 

My question to you guys is, WTF do I do now? How do I maintain NC? How do I not let my feelings get in the way? I still like her, have physical feelings for her, and although I'm the most pessimistic human being on this planet, I am very optimistic when it comes to relationships. Is it because I don't have a best friend? Am I the one that's too needy? I was fine before I met her ('tho I gotta admit it's better being a couple than single), so why am I feeling this way now? How long do I maintain NC for (I told her NC for weeks, maybe months)? Should I bother being friends with her in the future? I really don't know. Right now, all I know is that I'm selfish and I don't want her to be happy if I'm not happy. Deep down inside though, I want her to be happy, because SHE has opened my eyes, shown me how wonderful it can be to share life with another person, made me an improved man (and I know I can be an even better one), and dare I say given me a better reason to LIVE...

 

[Tayla]

Real simple (yet soo hard to do) , change your habits and change your standard schedule. Find things that occupy your time. THe less time thinking and dwelling will create the space. From there , Learn that friendships happen after you rid yourself of the physical and emotional aspect. You are no where near that stage. Usually three to four months after the initial break will you be actually able to gain a stance to reconsider the friendship. You are too fresh and unable to see the long term goal if indeed you can handle this person on a friend level. One question to ask yourself is simple: Could you handle this friend and be supportive when they start dating again? If jealousy or hurt exist from this concept then you aren't ready. I am a supporter that friendship can exist so long as lines are drawn and regrouping of attitudes occur. Most guys will just move on though..and that is okay too.

[dextm]

Real simple (yet soo hard to do) , change your habits and change your standard schedule. Find things that occupy your time. THe less time thinking and dwelling will create the space. From there , Learn that friendships happen after you rid yourself of the physical and emotional aspect. You are no where near that stage. Usually three to four months after the initial break will you be actually able to gain a stance to reconsider the friendship. You are too fresh and unable to see the long term goal if indeed you can handle this person on a friend level. One question to ask yourself is simple: Could you handle this friend and be supportive when they start dating again? If jealousy or hurt exist from this concept then you aren't ready. I am a supporter that friendship can exist so long as lines are drawn and regrouping of attitudes occur. Most guys will just move on though..and that is okay too.

 

Still doesn't help the fact that we work in the same office and I have to walk past her cube every time I need to get to the other side of the office...The thing is she already knows I feel like **** (people can see thru your feelings, you can't just hide this **** and pretend to be happy) and yet she keeps trying to befriend me, coming to my cube from time to time and smiling at me like it's gonna fix everything

[dextm]

Am I allowed to have lunch with mutual friends when she is around, sitting on the same table? **** is so complicated, might have to just end up being friends just so I don't have to constantly look over my back...