Desperate to get my gf back

August 22, 2010

About a week ago me and my gf broke up. After a week of constantly texting and pleading ive only made the situation worse, i come onto the internet and this site appears the best way to get some real honest advice and i thank any1 in advance for any advice you may have

situation is this is the 3rd time we have split up over 5 years, to be honest its always been my fault, originally i lied to her about smoking cannabis after a couple years we split up and about 3 weeks later we ended up back together, when we got back together same thing happened again a while later. so after this happening twice we split up again, this time a week later i went round with last of her things i had told her i was ok to try and move on and she quickly realised she did not want this and we again ended up back together.

since then things were good she insisted earlier this year for me to take a cannabis test which i did and all was good, i had stopped smoking cannabis right after the second time we split i knew/know i want to spend the rest of my life with her and that it simply wasnt worth it, she was worth more than smoking weed. The last year my dad has been ill with cancer and died about 2 months ago, this hit me for 6 and i instantly went into a shell almost depressed i suppose and ended up at a mates house smoking cannabis again, im not proud of myself one bit and rather than helping me all it did was send me further down the wrong track and now i realise that i can focus myself away from the habbit

i really want her back but my constant texting has only pushed her away further, she flies to america tonight for 10 days looking after her boss's children whist they have some time free on holiday, so kinda like a working holiday. i probably stupidly bought the e-book by t dub jackson - magic of making up, and from what i get from a quick read so far is that its all about No Contact, in my situation i cant see how it can make things any worse so today i sent her i nice text (again with text) telling her to have a nice time and appologising for what ive done and saying i will try and move on also and im planning to leave her be whilst she is away in the hope some of her anger turns more towards missing me.

is this the right way to go about things? and do you think there is any hope left for me, she has come back before im hoping thats a good starter

thanks again for reading all that and any advice

August 23, 2010

Wanting, did you read T Dub's e-book? I thought it said do not tell them that you're going NC, just do it. Regardless, you have to do NC. And that means NO CONTACT! Not while she's in the States, not after she returns in 10 days. You have to back way, way off if there is going to be any chance for you. Again: do not contact her.

August 23, 2010

i started reading the book, not the whole way through yet, i never said i was going NC to her though she asked me to leave her alone and i said ok in a roundabout way and i left it with a nice appology and the fact that i will try and move on in a msg

i will go no contact while she is away, we were very close up until this happend a week ago i just hope NC works for me and she calls me sometime while she is away

August 23, 2010

i started reading the book, not the whole way through yet, i never said i was going NC to her though she asked me to leave her alone and i said ok in a roundabout way and i left it with a nice appology and the fact that i will try and move on in a msg

i will go no contact while she is away, we were very close up until this happend a week ago i just hope NC works for me and she calls me sometime while she is away

I saw something on that T dub book online and he says that you should take the reverse psychology approach and say "I'm sorry for the crazy way I acted, pouring my heart out to you and all that." "I agree with you and I think this break-up is a good idea." To me that sounded crazy to agree with it, but that's what he suggests doing at first. Then go no contact. I didn't order the e-book and I don't know what other steps he suggests. I hope reading the book helps and you can get her back. Keep us posted.

August 23, 2010

yh he does say that about agreeing with the break up, this is what i tried to do in my last msg whislt sending an appology about lying.

as far as i get it though, no contact is about yourself and improving your own life and basically being able to move on from the relationship whislt putting you ex in a position where they might start to miss you. if they do great follow the rest of the steps, if they dont miss you or contact you then after 30days try to arrange a light meeting if still nothing go back to no contact and move on

this is only how i see it, i would be interested to know if t dubs methods have worked for other people and if my thinking on the book is correct

anyway this is day one of no contact and im keeping busy, tbh as gutted as i am about her leaving im going out tonight and looking forward to the leeds festival this weekend so it could be worse lol

thanks for the advice aswel guys i will keep this thread posted as the days go by

August 24, 2010

I broke NC twice in three weeks. You have it right. If you text and call you will push them further away from where you hope they might end up. My ex told me straight out that I pushed, my texts and calls weren't helping and if I didn't act like this maybe things would be different. I was acting via feelings. Ok, great. Look where that got me.

I messaged him today and basically said have a nice life I'm not doing this anymore.

Don't contact her. It's the biggest favor you'll do for yourself. Regardless of how it ends up. You will only be helping yourself, either way.

August 24, 2010

No, don't contact her bro. It's interesting what T-Dub says about agreeing with the breakup ... I used to do that intuitively when I was 20. Now it's a "strategy"! LOL. You already sent a message so DO NOT try to send another or a "better" one. Just leave it and go NC. Also, you cannot count on her coming back. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you have to accept that as a possibility and move forward with your life.

August 24, 2010

There's a small part of me that hopes after NC (and not breaking it and not having pushed too much!) that he'll come back. However, I don't know how he'd ever get a hold of me. I have a sneaky suspicion after his weekend at Dave Matthew's he'll think of me. I know this.

Don't break NC. Don Ho is right. You need to go into this thinking she's gone forever. You need to expect the worst regardless of what you're hoping for.

Also, you will feel sad, angry, etc. Don't give in. I did. Don't.

August 24, 2010

I have no intention of breaking NC even after she returns from florida although each time we got back together in the past it was down to me chasing her daily which is the opposite of what im trying here so i do have mixed feelings about this as a way of getting her back, but from a selfish point of view if it dont work at least i will be moving on

my problem will be when she rings me, do i ignor the calls or just answer be polite and upbeat and get through the call as fast as possible? she will call for certain when she comes back but this could either be because she wants to see me and talk about things or just to collect the rest of her stuff from my house

August 24, 2010

Er, hate to say it, but I think this is a lost cause. Smoking cannabis is obviously a deal-breaker for her. I'm not going to judge whether it is right or wrong, but for her, it obviously is not tolerable.

You did it first time and lied to her about it.

Then you did it again.

Then you did it AGAIN.

If I were her then I would not be wanting you back either! Sorry...

August 24, 2010

Er, hate to say it, but I think this is a lost cause. Smoking cannabis is obviously a deal-breaker for her. I'm not going to judge whether it is right or wrong, but for her, it obviously is not tolerable.

You did it first time and lied to her about it.

Then you did it again.

Then you did it AGAIN.

If I were her then I would not be wanting you back either! Sorry...

August 24, 2010

i take your point about doing it again i know for this I dont really deserve her time anymore the canabis is not to much the problem infact when my dad died she said if you wanna take some time at mates and you do smoke canabis then just tell me, i told her i wouldnt and slowly i fell back into the old path anyway, i knew i was in the wrong and instead of being honest which would have stopped these problems i panic and then I lied, the though of losing both my dad and then my gf all at once just made me panic and make the wrong choice

August 24, 2010

Bro, you had a "relapse" because of a major event in your life. That's normal. I understand that you lied and she's mad about that. I told my Ex a little white lie and into turned into a big deal (she has issues about being lied to and cheated on in the past). The other part of it is that you hid it or lied because, as most "addicts" you probably feel ashamed, guilty, dumb and embarrassed. That's something that she should understand. But regardless, let's leave your cannabis and lying issue aside for now.

I have no intention of breaking NC even after she returns from florida although each time we got back together in the past it was down to me chasing her daily which is the opposite of what im trying here so i do have mixed feelings about this as a way of getting her back, but from a selfish point of view if it dont work at least i will be moving on. My problem will be when she rings me, do i ignor the calls or just answer be polite and upbeat and get through the call as fast as possible? she will call for certain when she comes back but this could either be because she wants to see me and talk about things or just to collect the rest of her stuff from my house

1. Good! Do not break no contact. Ok, you chased her down in the past. That probably won't work this time and your ONLY alternative is NC. Counter intuitive I know, but it's at least always better to error on the side of caution. Despite what you think, NC will not damage the situation. Contacting her will.

2. It's not a "problem". Yes, you ignore the calls and do not answer. You let her leave a message so you can find out what she's thinking and so you do not appear so available and eager. Do not talk with her or meet with her if she wants to finalize it or have "closure" with you. That will make her feel better and you feel worse. Only meet her if she says she made a mistake and wants another shot. Other than that, no. Her stuff? Either box it up and take it to her house when you know she's not there or give it to one of her friends. DO NOT meet up with her. DO NOT use that as an excuse to see her because you will fck it all up.

August 25, 2010

Her stuff? Either box it up and take it to her house when you know she's not there or give it to one of her friends. DO NOT meet up with her. DO NOT use that as an excuse to see her because you will fck it all up.

sounds like a plan, i better get prepared for a slap off her mother when i arrive lol, this only 3rd day of NC and i get so many urges to send a txt, its worse thinking about it at work, once i get home is not too bad been doing different things to keep me busy with the mates

August 25, 2010

She didn't leave you; you pushed her away with your bad behaviour. You smoked drugs and lied to her about it, and you did it on THREE separate occasions... if I was her I'd have dumped you too, because I wouldn't want to date a drug addict either.

NC is for getting over someone who doesn't want you - this girl wanted you and you drove her away. That's why I think she might come back if you change the behaviour that drove her away. If you want to have a chance of getting her back, you need to show her somehow that you've stopped taking drugs and will never do it again. Of course, whether she'll believe you is another matter, because you've lied to her and broken your promises before. You owe her a huge apology and some sort of big romantic gesture if you even want to stand a chance of getting her back. In this case, NC will just push her further away.

August 25, 2010

She didn't leave you; you pushed her away with your bad behaviour. You smoked drugs and lied to her about it, and you did it on THREE separate occasions... if I was her I'd have dumped you too, because I wouldn't want to date a drug addict either.

NC is for getting over someone who doesn't want you - this girl wanted you and you drove her away. That's why I think she might come back if you change the behaviour that drove her away. If you want to have a chance of getting her back, you need to show her somehow that you've stopped taking drugs and will never do it again. Of course, whether she'll believe you is another matter, because you've lied to her and broken your promises before. You owe her a huge apology and some sort of big romantic gesture if you even want to stand a chance of getting her back. In this case, NC will just push her further away.

I hope you realize how fatal this can get if you do it wrong?

August 25, 2010

You owe her a huge apology and some sort of big romantic gesture if you even want to stand a chance of getting her back. In this case, NC will just push her further away.

I totally disagree. She needs a chance to cool off and the only way for that to happen is NC. IF she cools off and thinks about it, she may start to miss you and contact you. If not, then it wasn't going to happen anyway. This idea of sending flowers, a big apology and a romantic gesture is what the AFC (average fckn chump) aka pussy does. That WILL NOT work in this situation. That approach might work if you're living with a woman or married and you stayed out all night drinking and playing poker, but NOT here. This IS NOT a good strategy for a dumpee. I hope other guys will read this and understand this is the wrong approach when you have been dumped and it will only push them further away. Acting like a pussy -> further loss of attraction and interest on her part. Stick with the plan I advised. Good luck bro.

August 25, 2010

I'm leaning towards Don's suggestion.

And if you even think about typing a letter... make sure you have someone check it first so that it clearly shows some insight in the situation and not a "Oh I'm sorry, will never f*ck up again, pleeeeeeeeeeease come back!!!" - Because that will be written on the tombstone of your relationship.

August 25, 2010

I'm leaning towards Don's suggestion.

And if you even think about typing a letter... make sure you have someone check it first so that it clearly shows some insight in the situation and not a "Oh I'm sorry, will never f*ck up again, pleeeeeeeeeeease come back!!!" - Because that will be written on the tombstone of your relationship.

If you write a letter, give it to your friend to throw in the fireplace or just put it in the shredder yourself. DO NOT send a letter or anything. NC and wait. If you have to, wait forever. If she doesn't contact, it's over.

August 25, 2010

Listen to Don Ho and BBoy! I said the same thing. Do not contact her. Did you read what I wrote you a few days ago? Don't break NC! You don't want to end up where I am. It's not a fun place. The only thing that is going to get someone back is making them understand what life is like WITHOUT YOU IN IT. You cannot achieve this unless you stay the sh*t away from them. No texts, calls or emails. Nothing.

This is the last thing you want us to say. I know, I get it. And as I write this to you I feel sick. Why? Because I get it. I want to get in my car and drive to wherever the he*ll my ex is right now, stand there with a sign that says 'I LOVE YOU!' and cry. We can't do that.

Start thinking about what your ex would need to do in order to get YOU back. Seriously. That's something people don't think about during this. Someone left us, whatever the reason. Right or wrong. Having thought about it or not.

What if you reach out and get nothing in return? You're going to feel terrible. I reached out once, got a nice email, but was yelled at the rest of the day by my ex about what a 'terrible' person I was. Did I need that? No. Did I deserve that? No. You cannot do this to yourself. Maybe I seem like I'm lecturing, but I'm really just trying to protect you.

August 25, 2010

Think of it this way: If I slap you in the face and you run away crying, what's the best strategy for me to get you back? Should I:

a) Ignore you and hope you'll come back (ie. NC), or

b) Follow you and apologise for having slapped you, and promise never to do it again?

He has given her a huge slap in the face by taking drugs and lying about it; he has to apologise and show her that he's changed if he's to stand any chance of getting her back.

I just don't think NC will help in this situation. He was an ass, and now he's an ass who's ignoring her... she probably thinks she's well rid of him because of his bad behaviour. NC will not make her miss him and come back... why would she want to come back to someone who behaves so badly? The only way to have a chance of getting her back is to show her his behaviour has changed.

August 25, 2010

Start thinking about what your ex would need to do in order to get YOU back.

Erm... she's not the one who repeatedly lied and took drugs. Why should she have to do anything? She's not the one at fault here - he's the one who screwed up.

How many times do I have to say this? She did not leave; he drove her away! Therefore the usual rules regarding how to treat someone who's left you (i.e. NC) do not apply, because she did not leave of her own accord.

August 25, 2010

erm....not really sure now, i can understand points from both sides so is difficult, i would agree this is not the average breakup where ppl drift apart i lied and hurt her again and because i lied again i did drive her away, had i not done this we would still be together and this thread would not exist

i am not still smoking either infact i was not smoking everyday at the time not saying it was right but it was only on certain occasions

one thing is for sure she needs time alone maybe not even to miss me but to cool down while shes in florida at least she will have this time

i think the point you make Eeyore about showing her i have changed is bang on the money, in order to do this i cannot stay in NC tho which is well what im aiming for at the moment so now really not sure

edit: also thanks again ppl for not only taking the time to read but to give advice, if i get her back in the end or not this thread has been a great help

Edited August 25, 2010 by WantingHerBack

August 25, 2010

My ex and I didn't 'drift apart' either. He lied (essentially)

Yet, I'm the one apologizing. We were fine until the second it happened (I know this, I'm not assuming, I know)

I can say, breaking NC has not helped me. Sometimes people need some time is my point, I guess. Maybe one apology email, but that's it and see what happens.

August 25, 2010

one thing is for sure she needs time alone maybe not even to miss me but to cool down while shes in florida at least she will have this time

Ok Wanting, but keep NC for now. She does need to cool off and think. I'm not saying go NC forever. Ok, you made a mistake and lied. But that does not mean you run after her and apologize. NC will not make her forget about you and if it does, then she wasn't that into you anyway. I'm in a similar situation with my Ex and lied to her. I apologized at the time. I don't think that was the REAL issue for her, but your situation might be different. Anyway, I don't think that contacting AT THIS POINT will do anything but push her away. Best to error on the side of caution rather than take the risk. Hang in there.

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